You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

When Brendon saw the bright strip of light on the wall above his head, he knew it was way too early to be awake. The house was silent and the only noises he could hear from outside was faint chirps of birds singing. Brendon was sure if his phone was to suddenly starting ringing it would probably wake the neighbours.

Sighing, he rolled over but knew he was not about to drift off anytime soon. It didn’t take long to realise what woke him up and wasn’t the morning sun shining into the room. Butterflies were going mad in his stomach, fluttering around and hitting the walls with a light but sickening pitter-patter.

For a long moment Brendon lied frozen waiting to see what sort of panic attack was going to happen. After five or so minutes, nothing happened, but the butterflies and thumping didn’t stop. When cold sweat trickled down the back of his neck, Brendon knew he couldn’t lie there anymore and sat up gingerly. Stumbling out of the room he let his feet led him only focusing on not waking Pete, who was in one of the guests rooms.

The back sliding door wasn’t key locked and before he knew it Brendon was standing outside, trying to take in deep breaths of air while shielding his eyes from the sun. It wasn’t fully up yet but still bright enough to blind.

Brendon made his way over to the patio chairs and sat down, taking in how pretty the morning sun looked reflecting off last night’s dew. That same moment he realised his track pants were now wet.
The sight calmed the anxious feelings swelling in his chest some and helped him breathe better, now he had something else to focus on.

By seeing how much dew was around Brendon guessed it was around six, maybe six thirty in the morning and he didn’t have to be at the hospital until eleven. Despite the wet chair he sat back and let himself slowly calm down.

It wasn’t until half an hour later Brendon heard the first car pass his house. The birds were a little louder now and the odd one flew past every now and then, but the other than that it was still quiet. Brendon hoped it would stay like that.

Eventually at some point Brendon heard movement coming from his house and a dull thud that sounded like a kitchen cupboard closing. Water whistled in the old pipes and it was silent again. Brendon tried looking though one of the kitchen windows but couldn’t see Pete moving around. Not long later the back door slid open and Pete’s rumpled fluff of hair poked around the corner.

“I was wondering where you were.” Pete said softly in greeting.

Brendon lifted his hand in a small wave. Pete moved over to where he was sitting and took a sip of his coffee.

“How long have you been up?”

“Not sure.” Brendon croaked out before clearing his throat. “About six I guess.”

Pete hummed and took another long sip from the cup. He offered what looked like coffee to Brendon and he shook his head.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Pete asked, eyeing the other still wet chair.

“Once I woke up that was it.” Brendon sighed sliding down in the chair, feet stretched out in front of him.

“The sun woke me up. I forgot to shut the curtains.”

A small bird that looked like a honey-eater flew overhead whistling. Brendon watched it until it went behind a large three about three houses down the street.

“It’s nice out here.” Pete admired after a few minutes.

Brendon nodded in agreement and looked out across his back yard. It was basically the same as the day Brendon grabbed a spare blanket from the laundry and spent almost a full afternoon lying in the sun. The grass was a shade greener from the recent rain and a lot of weeds were gone thanks to Spencer, but that was about it.

“Was there anything you needed to do before we go to the hospital? Shopping or whatever?” Pete asked.

“No, I don’t think so. As long as there is enough milk left,” Brendon answered, thoughtful.
Pete nodded and drank the rest of his coffee.

“Spencer said he’ll be here around ten. If I remember right,” Pete said heading towards the back door. “I need something to dry that chair.”

“Okay.”

*

The building loomed up high over their heads like it was going to tumble over at any moment and squish them alive. At least that’s how Brendon saw the hospital as they approached the main doors with nerves so bad it felt like his insides had turned to liquid. He could almost hear them sloshing around as he walked and wondered if Spencer could feel that, where his hand was on Brendon’s lower back guiding him forward gently.

In a way Brendon was annoyed, angry even, with himself for freaking out so badly. It wasn’t like he was doing anything he hasn’t done every two weeks for the last couple of months now.

But for some reason being the last session stressed him out as much as the first one had. He should be happy, bouncing with joy that this was the end, not hoping that he wouldn’t throw up in the hospitals hallway. He honestly wasn’t good with this type of emotional stress and felt exhausted by the time they reached the elevators.

Spencer gave him a nudge to steer him in the right direction as one of the elevator doors opened, letting a family of four out onto the main level. Pete pressed the button for the second floor and the doors closed. As the left moved up Brendon was sure the blood was draining from his face leaving his cheeks with soft pins and needles.

What happened if he can’t get himself under control before they connect him to the machine? Would they send him home if he was having some sort of anxiety attack and would have to come back another day for the treatment? With the sudden thought Brendon felt a new wave of panic ripple through him and took a step back like someone had hit him. He bumped up against the back wall of the elevator, the hand railing digging onto his spine.

Spencer turned around sharply at the movement.

“You alright?”

Pete, who was standing closer to the doors, turned around eyes wide and alert.

Taking a shallow breath, Brendon nodded. He had to try and be calm, get some control over himself. There is no fucking way he can have today rescheduled. If he can help it he was never going to go through this again. Ever.

The thought set fire to something and Brendon managed to take in a deeper breath as he took a step forward from the wall.

“Yeah.” He breathed licking over his dry lips.

Neither looked totally convinced. Brendon didn’t blame them. Pete turned away as the doors opened and Spencer eyed him for a second longer before taking Brendon’s wrist and led him out into the hallway. It was only a short walk from there to the waiting room.

The waiting area was empty, which was a good and a bad thing. Good thing; the room was mostly his and there would be no problem with having both Spencer and Pete with him. Bad thing; the second he walked into the waiting room he was being ushered into signing the paper work and right into the hands of a nurse.

Everything was a blur as Brendon was taken into one of the rooms to be set up and people fluttered around him. The nurses chatted happily as the guys went to another room to get some chairs and Brendon wasn’t sure what the ladies were talking about, wasn’t paying much attention, but at least he had his feet on the ground enough to answer back to anything medical they asked.

Once the nurse first inserted the needle looking for a vain, everything came crushing back down to earth and whatever fog was over Brendon’s mind lifted. He winced at the stab of pain but remained still.

It was only then he realised that Pete was holding his free hand reassuringly.

“Alright, first time lucky today.” One of the ladies smiled as she tapped the needle into position.

The other nurse finished setting the machine and turned it on. There was no way Brendon could watch the poison drain down to the needle today. It was nauseating on the best of days.

Pete watched on curiously, head tilting slightly to the side. Brendon and Spencer looked at each other at the same time and screwed up their faces. Brendon smiled at that. The familiar beep echoed in the room, followed by a couple more.

“Okay, everything’s looking well. One of us will be back in a minute to double check. If for some reason you need us, we’ll be in the nurse’s office. Don’t be afraid to call out.”

“Okay,” Brendon said glancing over at the nurse and smiled softly. “Thank you.”

Both ladies grinned before disappearing behind the blue curtain at the end of the room. Spencer moved his chair closer making it scrape against the floor.

“I can totally see why Jon freaks out sometimes when he comes with you. Watching that stuff in the bag and...that was kind of gross.” Pete blanched.

Spencer laughed and Brendon bit his lip. Pete wiggled his nose sticking his tongue out. Brendon smiled and tapped the back of Pete’s hand softly, as if to say it was ok.

It was kind of okay in a way too, because now that Brendon was strapped to the machine with the familiar beeping ringing in his ears everything other minute, his insides didn’t feel like liquid goo anymore.

It was quiet for a moment and just as he went to ask if anyone brought a puzzle book because he forgot, again, Spencer beat him to the punch.

“I’m going to make a petition to install a mute button on those machines. Fuck, it’s already annoying!” Spencer exclaimed.

Somebody cleared their throat and all three of them looked over to see one of the nurses looking at Spencer disapprovingly. Spencer’s face went red and he quickly looked away as Brendon and Pete cracked up.

*

“You guys can go and get something to eat if you’re hungry. I’ll be alright by myself for a few minutes.” Brendon reassured when Pete’s stomach growled for the second time in as many minutes.

Spencer let out a breath and lifted his legs off Brendon’s lap that he was using as a footrest. He looked at Brendon, practically studying his face for a moment. Brendon wasn’t sure what Spencer was looking for or what he saw, but it must have been something good because Spencer nodded and stood up.

“Before you say anything, we are only going to the hospital cafe,” Spencer said gesturing for Pete to follow. “Are you sure you’ll be fine? One of us can stay.”

“Yeah, the nurses are only a call away.”

Pete looked hesitant but followed Spencer towards the door and glanced over his shoulder as the door swung close behind them. Brendon waiting for one of them to come back thinking that was a little too easy. The door stayed closed.

Now that the room feel empty, it felt too empty, like the room halved its size again. Brendon could hear quiet murmurs of the nurses and shuffling of paper between the machines beeping. Other than that it was quiet and eerie.

For the first time since walking into the room Brendon took the time to look around. This was Brendon’s most liked room out of all the chemotherapy rooms because this one had had a better view of the horizon. It wasn’t much of a view with the hospital blocking half of it, but it was something.

It’s kept Brendon sane many times while he was stuck in this little while box that smelt like disinfectant.

He smiled sadly looking out the window and around the room again. As much as he hated being here, he does have a few good memories of his friends and the lovely nurses. It was weird to think this was the last day (hopefully) after doing this for so long.

His smile slowly faded as the machine continued to beep in his ear. He hope when this was all over he could use these memories as a reminder to do whatever he can to never end up back here ever again.

*

It was a complete utter relief when the machine started beeping in warning the bag of fluids was almost empty, meaning the session was over. Not that doing crossword puzzles with Spencer and Pete wasn’t fun, it was, but right now he just wanted to go home. He was exhausted, actually starting to feel a little hungry and was getting restless for sitting in the same spot for so long.

Brendon restlessness must have been noticeable because Spencer kept glancing at him, watching silently while trying to look reassuring. Brendon wanted to tell him he’s ok, really, but couldn’t quite make himself say it out loud.

Pete didn’t seem to notice the silent conversation or just ignored it, too happily engulfed in the puzzle. At least until the machine then started to double beep every few seconds.

“Is that normal?” Pete asked, looking up from the book he brought in the cafe.

“Means it’s almost done.” Brendon said shifting in the chair.

As if on cue, one of the ladies came out from the office, the curtain swishing behind her.

“Not long now.” She grinned turning to the machine and pressed a couple of buttons. “Just this last little bit and you’re free.”

Brendon let out a deep breath and smiled softly watching. With how today was mixed with so many emotions he wanted to watch the last of it go through, so he can remember the end.

Spencer started putting the book away and Pete helped collect up the other bits and pieces they had brought with them. Just as they finished the machine made one long final beep. Brendon watched as the last drip was pushed through before the machine stopped.

“That’s it. You’re all done.”

Feeling a surge of emotions, too many to name or identify, Brendon watched as the nurse pressed more buttons and disconnected the now empty bag. She took her time tidying up and being carefully to make sure everything was put away or discarded properly. He continued to watch until she was about to remove the needle and that was when he looked away.

As earlier, Pete was watching on like a cat that was a bit too curious for its own good.

The needle was removed without much bleeding and Brendon was subjected to the usual round of ‘how are you feeling’ questions. He signed some paper work and was out into the waiting room before he knew it. On the way out of the door he hung back and managed to catch a last glance out the window of the view. If there would be one this he would miss, it was going to be that.

“Good luck, Brendon. I hope everything goes well for you,” The nurse smiled as she led the group to through the door. “And that your final test comes back clear.”

“Thank you.” Brendon smiled.

He felt like he should say more, really thank her and all the other nurses for looking after him but couldn’t find the right words. The lady nodded as if she understood and squeezed his shoulder before walking back towards the office. As the three of them walked to the next set of doors, the other nurse on duty who was collecting the next patient to go in looked up and smiled at Brendon. He smiled back.

“Well, that was different.” Pete said thoughtfully pressing the call button on the elevator when they reached it.

Spencer snorted and bumped his shoulder.

“Okay, differed may not be the right word, but, you know.” Pete shrugged.

“Different isn’t a strong enough word.” Brendon shrugged as Spencer looked over at him. “Are we going home? I’m tired.”

Spencer’s face softened and he nodded as the elevator doors slid open. They walked inside and the doors closed with a loud clunk.

“Yeah, but we were thinking of stopping off somewhere on the way back to your house.” Spencer said looking a bit sheepish. “Is it okay if we got to the icecream shop?”

Pete’s eyes lit up and he bounced over to Brendon like a puppy. Brendon laughed.

“Can we? Can we, please?”

Brendon nodded and Pete did a little jump clapping his hands. Spencer laughed and pressed the button for the ground floor.

As they walked out the hospitals main doors Brendon smiled down at the pavement. It was official ten out of ten treatments done. The battle was done, now just to find if peace was on the cards.