You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

Brendon’s kitchen table looked like a group of five year olds trashed it with art supplies. Bits of card, paper, glue, glitter, sticky tape, buttons and ribbon littered the table top. Brendon was glad when he accidently knocked the glue over for the second time he had thought to cover the table with newspaper first.

The idea to make birthday cards was actually Brendon’s idea; Spencer was naming a list of things they could do other than watching TV and said something about crafts. Pete’s birthday was coming up, after visiting and looking after Brendon for those few weeks, Brendon wanted to do something more than just send a gift.

So, while Brendon was making the prettiest card he could do with as much pink as possible, Spencer was making glitter covered paper planes and Ryan was making what looked to be a picture frame or a wall hanging, it was hard to tell but whatever it was had a lot of crossed lined shapes. Brendon didn’t think that Ryan even knew what he was making but knew better that to voice that, he had enough blue glitter and sequins in his hair already from earlier.

Brendon picked up the glue bottle quickly after it fell but still managed to get glue all over his fingers from the from what ran down the side of the lid. He started searching around for a tissue or something to wipe the mess clean before it got anywhere else, when the phone started ringing. The sudden noise was enough to make everyone in the room jump. Brendon panicked a little and tried to push the chair back without using his hands.

“I’ll get it,” Ryan said as he slid easily out of his chair and jogged to the phone in the hallway.

Brendon moved things around on the table and still couldn’t find anything to wipe his hands on. He was considering just using his shirt when Ryan re-entered the room.

“Okay, he’s right here,” Ryan said into the phone before handing it out to Brendon.

“I can’t.” Brendon waved his hands around. “I’ve got glue everywhere.”

Spencer got up from the table the same time Ryan walked over to him and held the phone to his ear.

“Hello,” Brendon greeted sounding a little unsure.

“Hello Brendon, I’m Wendy from the doctor’s surgery. I’m calling to inform you that all but one of your tests results have came back and that the last one should be in tomorrow afternoon. Dr Carol has asked for you to make an appointment as soon as you’re able from two days time. Wednesday onwards.”

Brendon paused for a moment, blinking. The first thing he thought was ‘finally’, then ‘oh shit, it’s the call’. His heart leaped and he took a quick breath.

“I’m able to make it at anytime; are there any openings on Wednesday?” Brendon asked, hoping that there was.

Spencer walked back into the room then and handed Brendon a bunch of kitchen paper. Brendon nodded in thanks and started wiping up the mess.

“Dr Carol has left one open at nine thirty or there is one a two thirty on Thursday. Friday is fully booked.” Wendy said over clicked from a computer mouse.

“Nine thirty is good.”

“Okay, I’ll book it right away. You’ll be the first patient of the day, so you will be seen on time.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Bye.”

Brendon echoed the farewell and moved away from the phone when she hung up. Ryan pressed the end button and wait for Brendon to explain. Spencer was doing the same where he was sitting on the other side of the table.

“The results are back, I have an appointment on Wednesday morning.”

Ryan nodded and wondered off to put the phone back. Spencer hummed.

“Need a ride there?” He asked in a way that suggested if Brendon also needed someone to go into the room with him too, he would.

“Yeah, please.” Brendon answered both the spoken and silent question.

Ryan sat back down and Brendon looked over at him. That question and answer was silent too.
Brendon heart felt like it was in this throat and he took a deep breath to try and force it back down into place. The next two days were going to be agony.

*

Brendon didn’t sleep much Tuesday night; he managed a couple of hours of dozing but other than that he had just lied there staring at the ceiling thinking. It’s been a long few months, a lot of ups and downs, left and rights, one huge whirlwind.

Despite that the realisation of having cancer has sunk in quite a while ago, thinking back on everything that has happened, to Brendon felt like it was all still a really bad dream. The mix of emotions were hard to pick though and sort out, the blurry days of sickness meshed together confusing the sense of time. Now that Brendon was thinking about some of that, he realised that there aren’t just a few days here and there missing, but a few weeks too. That in itself was scary.

The whole journey has been terrifying and lying alone in his room, knowing that in a few hours he was going to find out if he was cancer free or not was downright terrifying. That was the only emotion amongst the others that he could pinpoint and put a name to; the rest sat in his chest and made it hard to breathe.

When the pressure on his chest got too much, Brendon gave up lying there and pushed the blankets off and sat on the side of the bed, head in his hands. To clear his mind he concentrated on breathing for a while, it took a bit but he finally got to the point that when he breathed in it actually felt like it filled his lungs.

He checked the time then and sighed. Five thirty. Way too early or late to be awake.

Looking around the room, Brendon spotted his acoustic guitar in the corner. Considering it for a long moment, he got up, grabbed it and returned to the bed. He made a nest out of the blankets and scavenged for a notepad and pen in his bedside draw.

If he was going to stay awake, he may as well do something with the time rather than sinking into a hole. He found the last lot of music notes he wrote a couple of weeks ago and started from there, playing softly to himself.

His chest felt a little lighter.

*

“Brendon?”

Brendon stopped playing, cutting the song off by placing his hand over the strings as he could hear Spencer walking down the hallway. After a moment his bedroom door slowly pushed open and Spencer poked his head around the door frame, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“Good morning,” Brendon greeted lightly.

Spencer smiled softly and stepped into the room. He looked around slowly like he was still trying to wake up and fiddled with the empty glass he was holding.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Brendon apologised before moving the guitar off his lap and onto the pillows.

“You didn’t.” Spencer held up the glass as a way of explanation. “Can’t sleep?”

Brendon shook his head and Spencer walked towards him, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed. Neither said anything for a moment, Brendon didn’t know say and Spencer looked more asleep than awake, blinking slowly and shaking his head a couple of times. Brendon knew that was something Spencer did in the mornings after a rough night or when he didn’t sleep much.

Noticing a water bottle on the bedside table, Spencer swapped it for his empty glass and drowned half the bottle in one go.

“Did you sleep at all?” Spencer asked looked at the mass of paper thrown over the bed, most of it was screwed up or ripped in half.

“Not really,” Brendon admitted making a face, pulling his knees up to his chest. “I tried but I just couldn’t.”

Spencer nodded knowingly. Brendon took a glance at the clock, it was almost eight.

“Is Ryan still planning to get here at half past?”

“He told me last night that he would, unless he gets ready early. He’ll text one of us when he’s on his way.” Spencer said sounding more awake now. “What were you playing?”

“That little melody I told you about a couple of weeks ago. The one I got the idea from ‘The Gummy Bear Song’ Jon and I made up.”

“I really like it, it’s...nice and calming.”

Brendon smiled and plucked a couple of strings on the guitar. He silently agreed. Most if not all the paper littering the bed was for that song, Brendon was trying to write lyrics for it but couldn’t quite get the words in his head to work. But he managed to figure out more of the notes and have a general idea what he wanted the song to be about, so the lack of sleep didn’t go completely to waste.

Spencer picked up one of the pieces of paper closest to him, and studied it. It was full of lines and scribbled out words. Brendon doubt anything on it was readable, but he watch Spencer run his eyes over it in silence. Eventually Spencer let it slip from his fingers and back onto the covers.

“So I guess I better make something for breakfast,” Spencer announced while stretching his arms out and almost hit Brendon in the head. “Are you eating?”

“I’ll take my meds and see how I feel, probably not though.”

Spencer nodded and stood. He looked down at Brendon for a long moment and Brendon stared back, trying not to look away like he wanted to. The look Spencer had him under was soft, worried and caring all in one, it made Brendon feel a little calmer somehow.

“Whatever happens today...we have your back. We’re in this fight too, we all are.” Spencer spoke so soft it was almost a whisper.

Brendon wanted to say ‘I know’ or ‘thankyou’ but couldn’t get the words out, instead he smiled softly with a nod. Spencer smiled back and wondered out of the room.

Brendon sat there for a moment, eyes prickling as he listened to Spencer shuffle around in the kitchen. He took a deep breath and started picking up the pages from the bed as he tried to get himself under control again. He didn’t want to be crying yet, whether he would cry from happiness or sadness today, it was going to be done after he saw Dr Carol, not before. At least that’s what he told himself.

He dumped the mess into the empty bottom bedside draw to sort through later and put the guitar away before making his bed. Then set on finding some clean clothes, taking his meds and taking really hot shower.

By the time Brendon finished doing everything to get ready for the day that didn’t include eating breakfast, Ryan turned up, rushing in the front door and placing a bag of groceries on the table. Brendon peeked into the bag and remembered that Ryan had stolen his shopping list the night before.

“You didn’t have to rush around getting this all now.” Brendon frowned as Ryan chugged down the rest of his take-away coffee.

Ryan held up a finger to tell Brendon to wait and threw the cup into the bin. Spencer chewed on his breakfast slowly and stealthily hid his mug of coffee under the table before Ryan saw it.

“Actually I did, you’re going to need it later.” Ryan said picking up Brendon empty cup of orange juice and frowned.

Spencer smiled to himself keeping his cup well hidden. Brendon raised an eyebrow in question at what Ryan said.

“I’m sorry Bren; I can’t make it to the doctors with you. I have to run to the airport to pick up Jon. He flies in at quarter to ten.” Ryan turned to the fridge and poured himself a drink of apple juice.

Brendon blinked surprised and looked over at Spencer, who was looking at Ryan.

“I didn’t know he was flying in.” Spencer said sounding confused. “He didn’t tell me he was planning to.”

“He booked a ticket yesterday afternoon and got an early morning flight. It was totally last minute, said he wanted to be here for the results.” Ryan explained.

Brendon opened his mouth to talk but Ryan quickly cut in.

“I know what you’re about to say and yes he did have to. He wants to be here for you whatever the outcome. Oh, and Pete said he’s got his phone on standby all day.”

“To be honest I think everyone has.” Spencer muttered.

Brendon hummed in agreement but smiled. It was awesome to know how many people cared; though having to contact so many people in a short amount of time was always bit troublesome. Ryan drowned his drink and put the cup in the sink.

“I have to go now, apparently the freeway is backed up or something, so I’m taking the long way.”

Ryan moved around the table and pulled Brendon into a hug. Brendon squeezed back just as hard and clung a little. Not having Ryan there at the doctors will suck but he was glad he was going to see Jon and in a way understood why Ryan was the one to pick him up. It was easy to tell that Ryan’s nerves were as frayed as his own by the way he was rushing around. Out of the four of them Brendon and Ryan were the worst at dealing with this sort of stress.

“Good luck. I’ll get back here with Jon as soon as I can.” Ryan whispered before he let go and looked over at Spencer. “Call me.”

Spencer nodded and Ryan ruffled his hair as he walked quickly out of the room. He shouted ‘see you’ then shut the front door with a loud thud. They sat there silently for a few minutes, Brendon looking down at the table top and Spencer pulling the cup out from under the table, taking a sip.

Brendon took a deep breath to steady himself and got up to find his keys and wallet. Both were sitting out on the kitchen bench and Brendon guessed Spencer put them there while he was making breakfast.

Brendon looked up at the clock, it was five past nine.

“We should probably go, if what Ryan said was true the main streets are going to be busy with everyone who’s trying to avoid the freeway.” Spencer said in a way that sounded more like a suggestion rather than a fact.

“Yeah,” Brendon let out a slow breath. “I’m ready...I think.”

“You are. Just think of when we first played to a live crowd, you got through that so you can get through this.”

Brendon managed a smile at the memory. Yeah, he got through that by the skin of his teeth but Spencer did have a point. Spencer put his dishes into the sink and the two of them locked up and piled into Spencer’s car.

In about half an hour he was going to find out if he was in remission or not. Brendon tried his best not to crack under the pressure and the swirl of emotions in his chest.