You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

For a top cancer specialist office it was actually quite small, even smaller than Dr Murray’s. As the specialist, Dr Carol, went over Brendon’s latest blood tests and x-rays, he looked around taking in the room. The walls were a classic hospital off-white and mostly bare apart from a couple of health posters that were starting to look a little old. The carpet was a complete contrast to the walls, a deep grey-blue colour that looked even darker next to the dark stained wooden furniture. None of it really matched but at the same time it didn’t look bad either.

The same could have been said for Dr Carol. She wasn’t exactly the doctor looking type, if there was such a thing, with bright friendly smiles that touches her eyes and a calm easy-going attitude. Brendon had been told by Dr Murray she was one of the best in the city and hoped he was right.
Swallowing the lump in this throat, Brendon turned his attention back to Dr Carol just as she put the last x-ray down. She pusher her computer chair over to where he was sitting on the bed and examined his leg again with a thoughtful look.

“Your GP was defiantly right about the tumour and if you are right in the date that you first noticed this, it’s a very fast growing one. Which I’ll admit has me a little worried.” She said tapping her long nail against the wooden frame of the bed.

Brendon’s heart jumped into his throat but before he could start panicking Dr Carol patted his leg and slid back over to her desk. Taking a deep breath he tried not to freak out or do something embarrassing like flake out, because it really wouldn’t help anything. Easy said than done though.

“He did well ordering these blood tests and x-rays so you have them ahead of time, but I will have to do a biopsy.” She picked up a piece of paper and pen before rolling back over to the bed again. “Do you know what a biopsy is?”

Brendon nodded a little stiffly and tried to swallow the lump in his throat again that was stuck next to his pounding heart. He knew his hands were shaking and tried to hide them so she wouldn’t notice.

Dr Carol started drawing roughly what would happen and how the needle that would get the sample tissue would work. All Brendon could do was nod along. Ever since the first doctor’s appointment everything was like a large rollercoaster of emotions that made everything feel like it was in slow motion and blurred around the edges. He figured it was like being in some sort of tumble dryer that didn’t have a timer and a fogged up window.

Brendon really just wanted to run out of the office door and all the way back home to hid under his bed. Instead he forced himself to stay where he was and drew his legs in closer to his chest.

“So that is really all there is to it. We numb the area, insert a needle, take a sample and then get it straight to the labs. You’ll have only a tiny cut roughly a bit wider than your average paper cut.” Dr Carol smiled reassuringly, tapping the page with the pen as she spoke. “Do you have any other questions?”

“Uh,” Brendon blinked. “No, not really.”

“Okay, if you do at any point, feel free to ask. I do want to get this done soon as possible. Give me a moment and I’ll see if there are any spots open on the priority list.”

Dr Carol once again slip back to her computer and started clicking away. Brendon didn’t move other than to breathe or blink. He was a little afraid to because his head had started spinning and was scared he would faint or throw up. Or even have a full blown panic attack.

He took a couple of slow deep breaths, it helped a little but not very much.

“I have a spot open two days from now. Is that ok?”

Brendon nodded not trusting his voice and ducked his head down when Dr Carol frowned at his reaction. Actually leaving her chair this time, she walked over and rested her hand on Brendon’s shoulder. It wasn’t until then he realised how much he was shaking.

“It’ll be alright. I know it’s overwhelming but you are in good hands. Just take it one step at a time.” She smiled leaning down to be able to see his face. “You’ll be alright.”

Brendon looked up a little and nodded. He tried to smile, just a tiny one, but got nothing.

*

“You know you should really call Ryan or Spencer, or even me.” Jon’s voice echoed through the answering machine. “I hate to point this out but you’re pretty shit at hiding things that are troubling you. We’re worried. Zack is even starting to freak out. At least text one of us, please?”

It was silent as Brendon stared up at the ceiling unmoving. He knew that Jon was waiting to see if he would pick up the phone before he sighed and eventually ended the message. Brendon continued to listen through another two messages where it was just rustling before the person hung up without saying anything.

Guilt twisted in his stomach. He hated this. He hated ignoring them and hiding away at his house and wanted more than anything to tell them, but he was scared to. Petrified would probably be a better word.

In all he was still in shock with it all, not to mention all the information both doctors had crammed into his brain made him feel heavy headed. It felt surreal and for a while Brendon actually wondered if this was just some weird crazy-ass dream.

But you can’t feel pain in dreams and Brendon was sure you didn’t find out you had a tumour growing in your leg and have to mentally prepare yourself to have a biopsy the very next day either.

*

Sitting in the hospital room alone, Brendon was practically shaking with the amount of emotion that clawed away at his insides. There was that many floating around in his chest that he didn’t know which one was the worst: fear, worry, stress or the regret that he hadn’t told his friends yet.

Whatever it was, it was making him inch more towards panic as the seconds ticked past.

He hoped that this biopsy would be over quick as possible.

Taking a long slow breath in attempt to keep calm, he balled his hands into fists and looked over at the second door in the room, to see two shadows move across the glazed window. Other than the pumping of the blood in his ears, he could hear Dr Carol in the other room with a nurse moving objects around and talking in quiet murmurs.

Brendon had never wished so hard for one of this friends to be with him before in his life, or his Mum to be completely honest with himself.

Another shadow fluttered across the blurry glass before the door handle twisted and the door opened. Dr Carol walked out smiling at Brendon and moved towards the bed he was sitting on, pulling surgical gloves onto her hands.

The nurse then entered the room as well wheeling a trolley in front of her. Brendon made sure not to look at the equipment that was placed on it.

“Alright Brendon,” Dr Carol said making sure her gloves where on properly. “Lay down on the bed, on your side with your back facing towards me, please.”

Doing as she said, Brendon moved a little shaky until he was comfortable as he could get on the hard surface dressed in a scratchy cream coloured hospital gown. Cold hands touched his leg and he tried not to flinch away as the limb was being moved to where it was needed.

“I’m going to give you the numbing needle right here,” She said tapping the skin below the lump. Under the mixed emotions Brendon appreciated that she was telling him this. “It won’t be more than a pinch and should start working in a couple of minutes. Are you afraid of needles?”

He shook his head and pressed his face into the pillow and closed his eyes. As much as he would like to know what they were doing, he couldn’t watch this. He can’t.

“You’re going to feel a little pinch...right now.”

The ‘pinch’ felt more like a punch and Brendon winced but managed to keep still. He felt the needle being removed followed by a small clunk as the needle was placed in a waist bin. There was some rustling as Dr Carol explained that they were going to clean the area again, just in case, as they waiting for the numbing drug to work. Brendon nodded, not saying anything.

As he felt soft cotton swabs flutter over his skin, Brendon opened his eyes and looked towards the four hard plastic chairs that sat empty against the wall, where he wished that someone was sitting with encouraging smiles on their faces.

No matter how hard he wished, the seats stayed empty.

He needed to tell them.