You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

The house was silent to the point of deafening when Brendon pulled the phone away from his ear. Half dried tears were still covering his cheeks and he felt too warm in the cool room.

Phone call after phone call was basically how he had spent the last twenty four hours. Zack, Pete, Dallon, Patrick, Ken, Ian, his parents, brothers, sisters, close cousins and many other friends and family members he hadn’t seen in ages had been calling nonstop. Word had spread before Brendon knew the word was out. It was nice to know they all cared but it felt a little too much, too fast. It was getting to the point that all Brendon could hear was the same static white noise bubbling in his ears.

The only people that seemed to understand the need of space was close his friends. They called to offer support and left it at that, knowing Brendon was capable enough to reach out if he needed. Though Pete did call twice, but only after Brendon had text him for an early-morning chat when Jon had fallen asleep on the couch around three, maybe four am.

Brendon was awake all night.

Before Brendon could put his mobile phone on the coffee table his house phone lit up, playing some over happy turn that made him flinch.

For a second he thought about throwing answering machine across the room, letting it hit the wall and cracking into pieces. Instead he hung his head back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Jon answered it.

*

The soft sounds of acoustic guitar drifted through Spencer’s living room, calming the swirl of emotions that hung in the air constantly over the last two days. Brendon didn’t recognise the song Jon was playing, but it was nice, soft on the ears.

The longer Jon played the more Brendon was sure the song was something that Jon had written himself. Ryan seemed to know it because every now and then he would hum quietly, tapping his fingers on his thigh in some sort of slow drum beat. Brendon wanted to ask what the song was, maybe even if Ryan had lyrics to this, but didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to interrupt the music. He shifted on the couch, curling up more where he was lying with his head resting on Spencer’s lap.

With the movement Brendon could feel Spencer’s eyes dart down but he ignored it and kept watching Jon play. It was nice to just hear music like this for the first time in five months without it being a practice session, concert or from his iPod. Brendon missed this.

He had to admit that this reminded him of the early days when the band was only just starting to get somewhere, and the time they spent in the cabin before the second album...it basically reminded him of the days when he wasn’t sick.

“Was that something you both wrote together?” Spencer asked after a while when Ryan started humming again.

Ryan nodded without stopping his like humming. He looked lost in thought as if he was trying to remember something, part of the lyrics maybe. Jon looked towards the couch at Brendon and Spencer and grinned.

“Just something we messed around with one day on tour when we were still in Panic! We never finished it,” Jon said looking back at the guitar strings. “I like playing it though. It’s calming, in a way.”

“I like it.” Spencer smiled.

Brendon nodded in agreement, though he doesn’t think anyone noticed. Jon played the song over again from the top, before switching to picking at the strings randomly, not really making a solid melody. Ryan smiled softy and sat back in his seat as he said something to Jon about lyrics, Jon chuckled.

Biting back a yawn Brendon shifted again on the couch to stay comfortable without his leg cramping up. He felt fingers combing through his hair, twirling it around slowly. He glanced up at Spencer who just shrugged with a small smile that clearly asked ‘is this ok?’. Brendon turned his head to allow more access and nuzzled his face more into Spencer’s thigh to show he was fine with it.

Any little distraction or comfort was welcomed with open arms as far as he was concerned right now and Spencer playing with his hair felt calming, like Jon and Ryan’s song. Brendon kind of wished Jon would play it again. Maybe if he asked Jon could record it for him.

After a few minutes of watching Jon pluck strings, Ryan reached out to touch the neck of the guitar. Jon looked up, stopping the movements of his fingers.

“Can I play for a bit?”

“Sure,” Jon grinned as he removed the strap over his head. “Knock yourself out.”

Ryan rolled his eyes but smiled taking the instrument from Jon’s hands. He sat back, not bothering with the strap and placed his fingers on the strings. He started playing some light tune simular to Jon’s. Again Brendon did not recognise it, but liked it all the same.

Until the tune changed and Ryan looked from the guitar with a playful smirk and a cheeky glint in his eyes. Spencer stopped moving his fingers in Brendon’s hair and started laughing.

Brendon lifted sleepily his head up confused and looked over at Ryan, then up at Spencer. Jon just sat there with a big grin on the verge of laughing.

“I’m ready to go! Get me out of my mind, get me out of my mind!” Ryan sang in what had to be the worst copy of Brendon’s voice he had ever done, ever.

Brendon snorted back a laugh but couldn’t help smiling widely as Spencer and Jon lost it laughing. Ryan grinned mischievously and continued on playing the song, feet tapping the bass on the ground. Brendon was a little amazed that Ryan knew the song acoustically so well, but was happy to hear someone else play it besides himself.

“Want me to dance?” Spencer smirked, moving his hand by his face coping what Brendon did in the music video.

Brendon slapped Spencer’s knee before hiding his face so no one could hear him laugh. At least Spencer wasn’t demonstrating the hoping with the mic part, as funny as that would be.

“That video clip was awesome.” Jon chuckled.

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you Spence, but I loved the look on your face when you lit the cannon.” Ryan said as he stopped playing the song, letting the last note fade out. “We should have done that on the circus tour! That would have been awesome.”

“We could have had the whole smoke and mirrors effect with it.” Spencer added thoughtful.

“And Ryan could have caught Bren.” Jon laughed.

Ryan made a face to cover up his smile. Brendon couldn’t help laughing imagining the whole scene in his head. Spencer giggled and patted Brendon softly on the head. Brendon peaked up keeping his smiled hidden where his face was pressed into Spencer’s lower thigh. Spencer ruffled his hair but it didn’t have the desired effect, his hair was a mess in the first place.

“Ryan catching me would be something to see.” Brendon said muffled.

“What?” Spencer poked his shoulder.

“I said,” Brendon moved his head up. “That would be something to see. I don’t think Ryan’s bag of flimsy bones would be able to catch me.”

Reaching for the closest thing to him, Ryan grabbed one of the guitar picks from the coffee table and threw it at Brendon’s head. He missed completely hitting the back of the couch instead, before bouncing off and skidding across the carpet.

Brendon burst out laughing almost falling off the couch when he rolled over to get air back into his lungs. Ryan changed his revenge tactic and started playing ‘Miss Jackson’ singing in the highest voice possible.

*

The words on the page seemed to blur more and more into the white background the longer Brendon stared at it. He had read this page from top to bottom at least four times now, but he needed to know this. It was important to his operation of ‘removal of a tumour’. He was afraid he was going to forget something when the day came.

He wanted to happen without a hitch – quick and painless as possible, as anyone would want for an operation. The doctor however, had warned him there is a small chance they may not be able to remove everything depending on what his leg looked like when it was opened up. But was reassured that if surgery couldn’t remove it all, it would be dissolved in some way. That’s when Dr Carol started talking in medical mumbo jumbo and Brendon got lost.

In a way Brendon didn’t care how they removed it; he just wants the bloody thing out of his body.

This entire thing still feels unreal in a way. Brendon was starting to think it would never feel real. He tried reading again but the words still looked blurred through his tired eyes.

“Can I come in?”

Without looking up Brendon nodded and shuffled over a little on the bed, though it wasn’t necessary. Spencer entered the room slowly, shutting the door before sitting down on the edge of the bed, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth. He waited until Brendon looked up at him.

Brendon knew right away he wasn’t going to like this conversation. Not with how Spencer couldn’t meet his eyes and looked around the room not stopping on anything in particular.

“So, um, as you know,” Spencer muttered glancing down at the bedspread. “We’re due back on tour in a few weeks time...what are we going to do about that?”

Brendon groaned and let his head fall onto the bed. He was right; he wasn’t going to like this.

“I mean like...you’ll be having chemo for quite a while and won’t be able to go. We’ll obviously have to cancel the tour and anything else that we have booked. I already talked to Dallon a little about it.”

Brendon let his eyes close as turned his head to the side so he was facing Spencer while lying on his stomach. He was too tired to think about this much right now and it felt way too soon to think about this while trying to sort everything else out. But it has to be done sooner than later and things need to be cancelled immediately, not left hanging.

Who knows how long they have to put the tours, the band, everything on hold for.

“Yeah,” Brendon sighed, opening his eyes slowly. “I Don’t. I don’t know how long this could take. We might not be able to tour again until next year...”

“I guess we just have to go on some type of hiatus, right? That’s pretty much the only thing that we can do.” Spencer said softly but calmly, like he was offering to take control of the situation. “There is no way in hell that I’m letting you perform across the country side until everything had settled. Zack already said he would drag you back home, same as Dallon and Ken.”

Taking a deep breath, Brendon nodded in agreement. He couldn’t do that to himself. This right now was enough as it was, and to keep touring on top of everything would be impossible, not to mention a possible death wish. The doctors would never let him anyway until he was a hundred percent healthy again, even if he insisted and begged for them to let him.

They really had no choice. They had to go on hiatus – fuck, Brendon hated that word – on hold, on pause. Brendon had never imagined that would ever happen, but then again he never thought half the band would split and that happened.

At least, he could figure in his sleepy mind. As long as he recovered from the cancer he still had the band. That was better than nothing, a hell of a lot better, though it didn’t make him happy with the situation.

Spencer looked up from the bedspread to Brendon’s face that clearly showed how upset he was.

“Right now it’s the right thing to do. You’re health is more important. Dallon told me to stress that part.” Spencer said quietly.

Brendon nodded again. It felt like another stab in the back from a blunt rusting knife. One thing after another. Brendon knew these things were expected the moment he was told there was a tumour in his leg, but it didn’t stop them from hurting so much.

Music and touring had become his life, and now he had to stop, at least for a while due to something out of his control. Not only because he couldn’t perform, Spencer couldn’t either, or Dallon or Ken and the rest of the crew were out of a job for the time being too.

Brendon knows they the guys could easily get a singer to fill in for him but he also knew they the guys wouldn’t do that, even if he asked them to.

Guilt swirled dangerously in his stomach, spilling up into his lungs.

“I’m sorry.” Brendon whispered.

“For what?” Spencer asked.

“This.”

Brendon lifted his hand up, gesturing around the room then down at his leg that was somewhere propped up by a very flat looking pillow. Spencer raised an eyebrow.

“...Everything.”

“Nothing is your fault, Bren. You have no reason to be sorry at all,” Spencer stated with no room for argument. “Things like this happen and we have no control over them.”

Spencer sighed and placed his hand on Brendon’s shoulder blade, feeling how tense Brendon was under the fabric of his shirt. Brendon shifted to lie on his side and pushed the sheet of paper out of the way.

“Don’t go beating yourself up about it, ok? Because there is no reason too.”

“Okay.”

It was silent as Spencer started at him like he was trying to figure out what Brendon was thinking and quickly gave up. That surprised Brendon, Spencer was usually never gives up so easily when it came to him.

“So I guess we have some phone calls to make, huh?” Brendon asked wincing.

“Dallon and I will take care of it. I’ll ring Pete as well so he can help sort it out label wise.” Spencer said with an air of business.

He patted Brendon on the shoulder and slowly slid off the bed.

Brendon wanted to say thank you because he doubt he would be able to sort that all out right now, some of it yes, but not the hard stuff. He didn’t say it though. Slowly, he nodded and sat himself up, twisting around, gently and mindful of his leg. He was going to say he could at least sit with Spencer when he called Pete but what came out was a loud, wide mouth yawn. Spencer chuckled.

“Looks like someone needs to go to bed earlier.” Spencer smirked playfully.

“A bit hard when you’re snoring like a freight train from the other side of the house.”

Spencer snorted as Brendon grinned cheekily. Shaking his head smiling, Spencer walked out of the room leaving the door open like it had been when he walked in. Brendon lifted a hand up to his face to rub his eyes, which only succeeded to make him feel even more tired.

Brendon yawned again and shuffled up the bed and pulled the covers back. He wondered for a moment if he should ask Spencer if it was alright to sleep here, being that it his bedroom and all, but when he realised he had to get up to asked, Brendon guessed Spencer wouldn’t mind. It was only a bed.

Brendon moved under the covers then saw the piece of paper was still on the bed. He placed it on the bedside table before snuggling down, pulling the blankets up to his chin.

Lying there Brendon could hear muffled noises float in through the opened door but it wasn’t loud enough to disturb him from sleep. He let those noises help him drift off.