These Letters I Never Sent
These Letters I Never Sent
Dear Thiago,
It's been a week now since we broke up. An entire week that I haven't seen your face, been held in your arms or kissed by you. A whole week that the walls of that apartment we used to share, have stopped echoing to the sound of our incessant fights.
This morning I decided to take out my favorite pen and a piece of paper to write you this letter because it's the best way I found to reach out to you, through writing.
You'll never read these words because I won't send them, I think I'll just keep them in that drawer in the cupboard where your favorite shirts used to be before you packed your things.
But I feel closer to you somehow by laying my thoughts on this piece of paper, which is sort of contradictory since I don't even know where you are in the world right now. You could still be in Brazil but I don't know for sure. What I do know is that I miss you, a lot.
Dear Lena,
Today, I came back from practice around 8 p.m, we had a tough practice and I felt exhausted. I drove to that temporary apartment I rented after we broke up and when I opened the door, for a second, I almost expected to find you there, to be greeted by you, to kiss and hug you. But reality hit me hard when I came up to an empty apartment that felt nothing like the home we built together.
My tired mind commanded me to take out a piece of paper and a pen and I ended up writing you this letter. Pretty old school I know. It feels weird to know you're just a phone call away but I don't intend on sending this either. Too much pride i guess. But no amount of pride could make me deny, not to myself at least, the fact that I miss you, a lot.
Dear Thiago,
I woke up this morning to the sound of Alister, our cat, meowing in front of his empty bowl. You usually were the one who woke up early to feed him. This morning I had to do it myself for once. But I think Alister could sense the difference because he kept meowing for a while after I had filled his bowl with his usual morning dry food. I guess Alister misses you too, not as much as I do though.
Dear Lena,
I'm back in France, training with the club. We had a match today, a friendly one against the club of Lyon. We lost 4 to 0, pretty painful even for a friendly match. But I wasn't even looking at the score board, all I did was wonder about whether you still watched every single one of my games on TV when you couldn't be cheering from the sidelines. I hope you did but I'll never know. If you saw this game you would've seen me lose but at least you'd see how nothing is right when you're not there.
Dear Thiago,
Today my sister came to visit. She wanted to check up on me mostly, I can't say i blame her, I'd be worried too if i saw her in the same state as I am. She asked me how I was and how I've been holding up since the breakup. It felt good to have a shoulder to cry on. She tried to cheer me up by staying over, ordering pizzas, watching movies... The usual post-breakup remedies.
It was nice. But it would've been better to have you there.
Dear Lena,
I've been in Brazil for 2 days now. We had practice with the national team this morning. As I greeted all of my teammates, David and Dani asked me about you. I had to tell them we had broken up for over a month. They were surprised, almost shocked, they tried to comfort me and I knew they were feeling sorry for me. Today was one of those lonely days where I also felt sorry for myself.
Dear Thiago,
This is the first Christmas I've spent without you in 3 years. I'm far from being alone though, I'm spending Christmas at my parents' house this year, my whole family is there. But somehow the tree seems to glow less and I can't help but notice one less stocking by the fireplace.
There's always so much going on and everybody is always running around but for me it's just a lonely time because there were Christmases when you were mine.
Dear Lena,
Christmas has always been your favorite time of the year. I hope you're enjoying it more than I am. There was a dinner organized with the whole team and i know you would've liked it. I might have enjoyed it myself if you were there with me. I felt sad seeing the mistletoe; it only reminded me of the 3 Christmases we kissed under it.
Dear Thiago
I decided to spend New Year's Eve on my own this year, even though my friends begged me to go partying with them. They're all in such a cheerful mood; I'd hate to ruin it for them. All this festivity reminds me of you and how we used to spend that precious time together. I just stayed home and watched TV with Alister curled on my lap. I wish you were there to kiss me at midnight.
Dear Lena,
I was in no mood to celebrate but my teammates dragged me to Marcelo's New Year party. They say they're worried about me. It was a great party but I couldn't enjoy it, I kept wondering if you had anyone to kiss at midnight. I went back home early that night and felt lonely at the sight of my empty bed. I guess i'm just tired of sleeping alone. And I just wish I had someone to hold this New Year's Eve. Not just anyone obviously. Only you.
Dear Thiago,
Today I opened the sports channel to watch your match against Bastia for the First League. I had always forbid myself to do that, but today, I gave in. It felt nice to see you so happy when you scored but I can't say it wasn't painful as well. When the match ended, i went to my bedside table and opened the drawer where we kept our picture albums. I went through all the memories we made during the 3 years of our relationship, and every "first" we had: our first vacation together, my first birthday with you, the first time we moved in together, the first picture we took with Alister, our first Christmas...
It's so painful to think we'll never have any more "firsts" ever again.
Dear Lena,
I saw your sister this weekend at some bar in Rio. I didn't expect to see her at all and it felt like I was hit by train because she still looks so much like you. I came up to talk to her and I know she wanted to avoid me as much as she could. I tried to engage a conversation but she pretended she had somewhere to be and left before I could ask her about you. I hope it's nice were you are, I hope you still hold that beautiful smile of yours.
Dear Thiago,
David came to visit yesterday, it felt so good to see him again. He asked me how I was doing and I could only say the truth. I saw an apologetic smile on his face as he tried to comfort me in the best way he could. David is a lot like you, you know, kind-hearted, compassionate... I couldn't help myself but ask if he knew how you were doing. He couldn't face me while dropping the words "not good" almost embarrassed. At least it was honest.
"He misses you a lot Lena"
Well I miss you too Thiago and I don't know what to do about it.
Dear Lena,
David scolded me today, he said he went to visit you last week and saw how sad and broken you were. I'm embarrassed to say I felt sort of relieved to know you hadn't moved on yet. It means I still have a chance.
David said i was already an idiot for letting you go but I'd be an even bigger idiot not to go talk to you and try to fix this.
I knew he was right.
Dear Thiago,
It feels like I've had my head underwater these past few months and seeing you at my front door after so many lonely nights of imagining it made me finally recover my breath. All the tears I cried for you, all the pain I felt... it's like none of it mattered when your lips said the exact words I've needed to hear all along. It was like every single one of my fantasies came true when you asked if we could talk. We must've spent about two hours laying everything down about our relationship, sitting on that sofa we always cuddled in before. While we spoke I could feel us getting much closer and I was already feeling like the love of my life was mine again. Our eyes never left each other the whole while our conversation lasted, as if some magnetic field attracted the both of them together. It was a familiar feeling yet, it felt so new.
You asked if we could give us another another try and I said yes. And when you leaned in to kiss me, after all these months, it finally felt like home. Just the feeling of being in your arms has made all of this pain worth it and I knew we were beginning a new chapter in our lives, a chapter we would write together.
This is the last letter I will write to you Thiago. There's no point in it anymore since you've come back to me now. The difference is, I will actually let you read this one. And probably even all the ones before that, just to show how you never left my mind during the 7 months of our breakup, and how I've kept loving you every day during that time.
It's been a week now since we broke up. An entire week that I haven't seen your face, been held in your arms or kissed by you. A whole week that the walls of that apartment we used to share, have stopped echoing to the sound of our incessant fights.
This morning I decided to take out my favorite pen and a piece of paper to write you this letter because it's the best way I found to reach out to you, through writing.
You'll never read these words because I won't send them, I think I'll just keep them in that drawer in the cupboard where your favorite shirts used to be before you packed your things.
But I feel closer to you somehow by laying my thoughts on this piece of paper, which is sort of contradictory since I don't even know where you are in the world right now. You could still be in Brazil but I don't know for sure. What I do know is that I miss you, a lot.
Dear Lena,
Today, I came back from practice around 8 p.m, we had a tough practice and I felt exhausted. I drove to that temporary apartment I rented after we broke up and when I opened the door, for a second, I almost expected to find you there, to be greeted by you, to kiss and hug you. But reality hit me hard when I came up to an empty apartment that felt nothing like the home we built together.
My tired mind commanded me to take out a piece of paper and a pen and I ended up writing you this letter. Pretty old school I know. It feels weird to know you're just a phone call away but I don't intend on sending this either. Too much pride i guess. But no amount of pride could make me deny, not to myself at least, the fact that I miss you, a lot.
Dear Thiago,
I woke up this morning to the sound of Alister, our cat, meowing in front of his empty bowl. You usually were the one who woke up early to feed him. This morning I had to do it myself for once. But I think Alister could sense the difference because he kept meowing for a while after I had filled his bowl with his usual morning dry food. I guess Alister misses you too, not as much as I do though.
Dear Lena,
I'm back in France, training with the club. We had a match today, a friendly one against the club of Lyon. We lost 4 to 0, pretty painful even for a friendly match. But I wasn't even looking at the score board, all I did was wonder about whether you still watched every single one of my games on TV when you couldn't be cheering from the sidelines. I hope you did but I'll never know. If you saw this game you would've seen me lose but at least you'd see how nothing is right when you're not there.
Dear Thiago,
Today my sister came to visit. She wanted to check up on me mostly, I can't say i blame her, I'd be worried too if i saw her in the same state as I am. She asked me how I was and how I've been holding up since the breakup. It felt good to have a shoulder to cry on. She tried to cheer me up by staying over, ordering pizzas, watching movies... The usual post-breakup remedies.
It was nice. But it would've been better to have you there.
Dear Lena,
I've been in Brazil for 2 days now. We had practice with the national team this morning. As I greeted all of my teammates, David and Dani asked me about you. I had to tell them we had broken up for over a month. They were surprised, almost shocked, they tried to comfort me and I knew they were feeling sorry for me. Today was one of those lonely days where I also felt sorry for myself.
Dear Thiago,
This is the first Christmas I've spent without you in 3 years. I'm far from being alone though, I'm spending Christmas at my parents' house this year, my whole family is there. But somehow the tree seems to glow less and I can't help but notice one less stocking by the fireplace.
There's always so much going on and everybody is always running around but for me it's just a lonely time because there were Christmases when you were mine.
Dear Lena,
Christmas has always been your favorite time of the year. I hope you're enjoying it more than I am. There was a dinner organized with the whole team and i know you would've liked it. I might have enjoyed it myself if you were there with me. I felt sad seeing the mistletoe; it only reminded me of the 3 Christmases we kissed under it.
Dear Thiago
I decided to spend New Year's Eve on my own this year, even though my friends begged me to go partying with them. They're all in such a cheerful mood; I'd hate to ruin it for them. All this festivity reminds me of you and how we used to spend that precious time together. I just stayed home and watched TV with Alister curled on my lap. I wish you were there to kiss me at midnight.
Dear Lena,
I was in no mood to celebrate but my teammates dragged me to Marcelo's New Year party. They say they're worried about me. It was a great party but I couldn't enjoy it, I kept wondering if you had anyone to kiss at midnight. I went back home early that night and felt lonely at the sight of my empty bed. I guess i'm just tired of sleeping alone. And I just wish I had someone to hold this New Year's Eve. Not just anyone obviously. Only you.
Dear Thiago,
Today I opened the sports channel to watch your match against Bastia for the First League. I had always forbid myself to do that, but today, I gave in. It felt nice to see you so happy when you scored but I can't say it wasn't painful as well. When the match ended, i went to my bedside table and opened the drawer where we kept our picture albums. I went through all the memories we made during the 3 years of our relationship, and every "first" we had: our first vacation together, my first birthday with you, the first time we moved in together, the first picture we took with Alister, our first Christmas...
It's so painful to think we'll never have any more "firsts" ever again.
Dear Lena,
I saw your sister this weekend at some bar in Rio. I didn't expect to see her at all and it felt like I was hit by train because she still looks so much like you. I came up to talk to her and I know she wanted to avoid me as much as she could. I tried to engage a conversation but she pretended she had somewhere to be and left before I could ask her about you. I hope it's nice were you are, I hope you still hold that beautiful smile of yours.
Dear Thiago,
David came to visit yesterday, it felt so good to see him again. He asked me how I was doing and I could only say the truth. I saw an apologetic smile on his face as he tried to comfort me in the best way he could. David is a lot like you, you know, kind-hearted, compassionate... I couldn't help myself but ask if he knew how you were doing. He couldn't face me while dropping the words "not good" almost embarrassed. At least it was honest.
"He misses you a lot Lena"
Well I miss you too Thiago and I don't know what to do about it.
Dear Lena,
David scolded me today, he said he went to visit you last week and saw how sad and broken you were. I'm embarrassed to say I felt sort of relieved to know you hadn't moved on yet. It means I still have a chance.
David said i was already an idiot for letting you go but I'd be an even bigger idiot not to go talk to you and try to fix this.
I knew he was right.
Dear Thiago,
It feels like I've had my head underwater these past few months and seeing you at my front door after so many lonely nights of imagining it made me finally recover my breath. All the tears I cried for you, all the pain I felt... it's like none of it mattered when your lips said the exact words I've needed to hear all along. It was like every single one of my fantasies came true when you asked if we could talk. We must've spent about two hours laying everything down about our relationship, sitting on that sofa we always cuddled in before. While we spoke I could feel us getting much closer and I was already feeling like the love of my life was mine again. Our eyes never left each other the whole while our conversation lasted, as if some magnetic field attracted the both of them together. It was a familiar feeling yet, it felt so new.
You asked if we could give us another another try and I said yes. And when you leaned in to kiss me, after all these months, it finally felt like home. Just the feeling of being in your arms has made all of this pain worth it and I knew we were beginning a new chapter in our lives, a chapter we would write together.
This is the last letter I will write to you Thiago. There's no point in it anymore since you've come back to me now. The difference is, I will actually let you read this one. And probably even all the ones before that, just to show how you never left my mind during the 7 months of our breakup, and how I've kept loving you every day during that time.