Props & Mayhem

"When I'm sober, I feel pain..."
- Props & Mayhem, Pierce The Veil.

---

I took another drink from my red solo cup, wincing slightly as the Jack Daniel’s burnt its way down my throat. The room was spinning, yet I could still see Jack and that slut over in the corner, pawing at each other like there was no one else in the room. It was disgusting, seeing them like that. It made me want to storm over and rip Jack out of her hands. But then again, I was biased. Very biased.

I would be, being in love with Jack and all. No one – especially not Jack – knew about my feelings. They’d made their appearance soon after I’d met Jack. It was such a revelation that to this day, I can remember the exact time when I realised.

---

I was lying on my back on Jack’s bed, idly strumming my guitar and daydreaming about what it would be like to have my own band. By the time Jack came back with the crisps, I’d decided that it would be awesome. I put my guitar on the floor as he entered. I smiled.

“Hey Jack!” I said, as he threw a packet on my stomach.

“Hey ‘Lex.” He replied, smiling and opening his crisps.

We ate our crisps as we chatted about random shit – Jack talking about how he’d found Rian (a drummer apparently, if Jack was to be believed) in his English class. I listened half-heartedly when the topic moved on to girls that he found attractive. I’d been despondent for a while when Jack brought up the topic of girls, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why. Maybe it was because he talked about the same girls, and I had – somewhere along the line – gotten fed up with them. Or maybe it was the fact that, over the past couple of months, I’d started to notice things about Jack that I already knew but I was seeing them in a different light. And I didn’t know why. It was weird.

As Jack continued to talk about girls, I smiled, looking at the way his lips moved and attempting to focus on the words he was saying. But it didn’t work – I stared at Jack’s lips forming words, and not on the words. I thought this was torture, for some reason.

I sat up properly, my back straight against the wall behind me. I’d realised why I was so downhearted when Jack talked about girls.

Jack’s voice floated through the pounding of my heart in my ears, “Alex? What is it?”

“N-nothing.” I said, still trying to wrap my head around my realisation. Holy shit – I loved Jack.

---

I snapped out of my memory to find that Jack and that slut had moved to the sofa that was directly in from of me. My heart broke into pieces as I watched silently as they began to kiss. I felt the urge to get drunk. So drunk that I couldn’t remember my own name, let alone Jack’s.

As I walked over to the drinks table that the crew had set up, I knew in my heart that I’d never be able to rid myself of Jack. I picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and proceeded to pour some of it in my plastic cup. I didn’t let go of the neck of the bottle as I made my way back over to the wall where I’d been standing unsteadily. Maybe I’d had too much to drink, but then I couldn’t have, not when I could still feel the sharpness of heartache go through me when I glanced at Jack. Decisively, I gulped my cup of alcohol down, feeling it burn my throat, and put it on a table. Now I only had the bottle to drown the sorrows of unrequited love down with.

Kind of ironic though, I thought, looking over at Jack and that goddamn slut, that the alcohol I’d chosen was Jack Daniels.

---
“He hasn’t been sober for days…”
- Remembering Sunday, All Time Low.

---

It had been three weeks since that party where Jack and the slut had got together. Of course, I could take comfort in the fact that the slut hadn’t stayed longer than the party had lasted, but since then, we’d had other parties. The only way I’d found that enabled me to cope with the amount of sluts Jack brought to the parties was to get drunk. It had escalated from just getting drunk when I saw them together, kissing and touching – all the things I wanted to do with him – to me having a drink first thing in the morning. It was very bad, I knew that, but I couldn’t find it in me to care, not when my one love was with a slut every other night.

I could tell that Rian and Zack were worried about me, as well as the crew. It was obvious in the way they looked at me as I took my first drink of alcohol of each day. I couldn’t blame them – I’d be worried if one of them was drinking alcohol like it was water. The only thing that aggravated me, besides the obvious fact that my body had become tolerant of alcohol, was that Jack hadn’t noticed. It made me think that he didn’t care for me more than a friend, which naturally I already knew, but it hurt and caused me to drink even more.

---

“Hey Alex?”

I looked up from my cup of Jack Daniels to find Jack looking at me with wide, brown eyes clearly showing concern. Like he’d been so concerned when I’d first started this habit, but I still loved him, so I didn’t snap at him. He didn’t deserve it. (Even if a part of me was saying that he did deserve it for not paying attention.)

“Yeah Jack?” I said, smiling at him.

“What are you drinking?” He asked, sitting down on the chair next to me.

“Oh. Just some water,” I lied, “Yeah, water.”

“You’re not.”

I blinked and took a sip from my cup, “What?”

“You’re not drinking water Alex. I know it.” Jack said.

I raised an eyebrow, “How would you know? You’ve been too busy with the sluts lately.”

“I have,” He argued, frowning, “I just haven’t known what to do about it.”

I laughed, bitterly, “And now, magically you do?”

Jack nodded seriously, “You need to get a girlfriend.”

Tears sprung to my eyes as I downed my drink. He didn’t know about my feelings. Of course he didn’t – I’d never told him. And now isn’t the time. But it was on the tip of my tongue, wanting to be said.

But before I could get further than, “Jack, I –”, we got interrupted by Rian, coming in for something to eat.

---

“You’re the closest thing to hell I’ve seen so far…”
- Death Rattle, Mallory Knox.

---

It was another party, and instead of putting myself through the heartache of seeing Jack with another girl – who obviously wasn’t me – I was sat outside, on the curb in the car park. I could hear the music blaring out of the open windows. It was a warm night.

I flicked the lighter in my hand, causing the flame to light up. I shouldn’t really have it, but earlier, in the venue, I saw it. On impulse I’d pocketed it, and spent a good chunk of the set thinking about it in the back of my mind. I also had a packet of cigarettes burning a hole in my hoodie pocket. I shouldn’t have those either, but I couldn’t help it. Maybe instead of drinking tonight, I could smoke.

But then Jack would be disappointed in me, like he had been when I’d started the habit in school, and I didn’t want that.

I’d just have one. Jack would never have to know.

---

I was on the low wall backing on to the small wooded area behind school. It was a common place for smokers to hang out, but it was empty now. And I was one of them. I knew Jack would be disappointed in me. But the feelings that had snuck into my side of our friendship had been overwhelming me lately. Like this morning, all Jack had done was call me ‘Lex’, but it had been enough for me to grin stupidly. And that wasn’t on, not when Jack was my best friend. As well as Rian and Zack, of course.

I dug the packet of cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one. On the first drag, I coughed a lot, but as I preserved, it got better. By my third one, I wasn’t coughing at all. I closed my eyes, tilted my head back, and blew smoke into to the air, letting my body relax completely.

“Alex?!”

My eyes snapped open and focused on Jack, standing in front of me with a gobsmacked expression on his face.

“Err…hi Jack?” I said weakly, taking another drag of my cigarette and then stubbing it out, flicking it away.

“What are you doing?!” He said angrily, his eyebrows furrowing on his forehead.

This is why I’d been keeping my new habit a secret from Jack – I’d known his reaction would be like this.

“Smoking.” I said, putting my packet back in my pocket. It was clear to me that I wouldn’t be getting another today, which was a shame because I’m usually really relaxed after my fourth cigarette.

“But why?”

Because I love you and you don’t notice, I thought with such intensity that it surprised me.

“Just because.” I said with a shrug.

“Just because?!” He yelled quietly, even though no one was around.

I nodded, “Yeah exactly.”

“That’s not the real reason!” Jack said, “And you know it!”

I looked away, so I didn’t look at Jack’s brown eyes and not getting lost in them, and gulped. Jack always did this – tried to guess at my ‘real’ reason. It was tiring, especially when I knew I could tell him about a lot of things – but not this, not my feelings for him. I’d never tell him for fear of ruining out friendship. I’d never put him through the pain of knowing that I loved him and he didn’t love me. I loved Jack too much to do that to him.

“Yes it is Jack,” I said firmly, getting off the wall and beginning to walk away from him, “It is.”

---

“Alex? Is that you?” Jack said.

Quickly, I stubbed my fourth cigarette under my converse. I said, “Yeah. It’s me.”

“Were you smoking?” He asked, the light from the bus showing me his face.

“No.” I lied. I hated lying to Jack – he was my best friend – but he couldn’t understand why I smoked. In truth, it was because of my love for him, and it was painfully unrequited. The way he looked and acted around women proved that much to me. That was why I indulged in a cigarette from time to time – to help dull the pain when alcohol wouldn’t quite cut it.

“You’re lying!” He said, glaring at me with his brown eyes that I could drown in and be perfectly happy about it.

“No, I’m not.” I said, and smoothly directed the attention away from myself by asking him, “Why are you out here? Instead of inside?”

“You weren’t there.” Jack replied.

Fuck, if only he meant that in the way I wanted it to be, I thought distantly. My eyes focus on Jack’s face.

“Y-yeah?”

Jack nodded, and breathed, “Yeah – you’re my best friend.”

My heart sunk as I clutched the lighter hard in my hoodie pocket and walked in with Jack.

---

“Without a doubt you’re all I dream about…”
- Vegas, All Time Low.

---

When I go to sleep, I dreamt of having Jack as my boyfriend. Of doing all the stupid things with him, like cuddling as we watched movies, and just kissing him whenever I felt like it. If I could do that then I would be happy.

---

We were on the road, heading towards New York. I didn’t know how long we’d be on the road for, nor could I be bothered to go and ask our tour manager. What I did know though, was that someone needed to distract Jack from the fact that we were stuck on the tour bus for the next few hours. I decided to offer him something to do.

“Hey Jack?” I said, watching him as his leg bounced up and down, a sure sign that he was getting angsty at being on the bus.

His head snapped towards me, “Yeah Alex?”

“Wanna watch a movie in the back longue?” I asked, silently hoping he’d say yes. I wouldn’t mind watching Home Alone again, if it was time spent with him.

“Sure!” Jack said, leaping up from his place on the couch and walking to me, “What d’you wanna watch?”

I shrugged, “Don’t mind. You choose – please don’t pick Home Alone again though.”

“Ok!”

I smiled fondly as he lead the way to the back longue, stopping briefly to grab crisps and drinks, and sat on the couch, leaving me to sort the DVD player out. I went through all the DVDs the band and crew had collected over the time we’d been touring. We always ended up buying more even if there was a few that we hadn’t seen yet. I chucked a couple to Jack, who caught them effortlessly.

I got up and grabbed a handful of crisps out of the open bag, asking, “Which one?”

Jack handed me a DVD and I put it in before joining him on the couch. As I settled down, nabbing a few crisps from Jack’s bag, the opening credits came on. Jack had chosen ‘How to Train Your Dragon.’ I didn’t even know that we had that movie, but I guessed you learnt something new every day.

About halfway through the film, I felt my eyelids drooping, the world fading to black. My head sagged back against the cushions and my breathing slowed until I fell asleep.

---

I woke up slowly, becoming aware of a body next me. I was in a double-bed for some reason, but I wasn’t going to question it, not when the body next to me was Jack. I watched him for a few minutes until he opened his beautiful brown eyes. I smiled as they fixed on me.

“Hey Jack.” I said softly, my heart bursting with love for this man.

“Hey yourself.”

I grinned as he pressed several kisses to my cheeks before eventually kissing me on the lips. I smiled into the kiss, which caused Jack to smile. We stopped kissing because we’d started laughing too much for us to continue kissing. It was nice though, to be able to love Jack and yet still be able to share silly, stupid things with him.

---

“Alex, Alex, Alex,” Jack was saying, shaking my shoulder gently, “Alex, wake up.”

“…Mmhm…” I mumbled into the thing that my face was pressed into. I slowly opened my eyes to find I was pressing my face into the Jack’s shoulder. I knew I recognised that t-shirt from somewhere.

With a grunt, I sat upright and squinted at Jack, my eyes not used to the light yet. I grumbled, “Why did you wake me up?”

“Alex, we’ve got sound check.” He replied, smiling.

I frowned, “Why?”

“Because we’ve got a show tonight.” Jack said.

He was used to how I was when I first woke up. I would be the first to admit that I’m like a grumpy five year old when I’ve just woken up.

“Oh.”

---

“A kiss I stole from your mouth…”
- Song For Someone, U2.

---

During the set, due to the fans yelling ‘Jalex’ at the top of their voices, I’d kissed Jack. His lips were very soft. I wished I got to kiss them on a daily basis. I wish I could do ‘boyfriend’ things with him.

---

“Jalex, Jalex, Jalex, JALEX!” The crowd was chanting, making it impossible not to hear them.

“Hey Alex,” Jack said into his microphone, “I think the fans want us to kiss.”

“You think?” I said, microphone in hand, already walking across the stage to him.

“Yeah.” He replied, just before I pressed my lips to his for a few seconds. After that, I tore myself away before Jack could begin to suspect that I wanted more.

“The things you guys have us do!” I said, walking back over to my microphone stand as Rian did a quick drum solo.

I smiled and waved, announcing that the next song would be, “Lost In Stereo” and covering up my broken heart.

---

Which brings me to now, smoking a cigarette behind the venue and clutching a bottle of beer like it’s a buoyance aid keeping me above water. Which, I reflected, it kind of was.

As I took a drag of my cigarette, Jack appeared around the corner.

“Jack!” I said, stumbling over my own feet in my hurry to get to him.

“Hey Alex,” Jack replied, as I dragged him into a hug, “Are – are you drunk?”

I giggled, “Yeah! Join me Jack!”

“Uh…not right now.”

I pouted and whined, “Why not Jack?”

“Because we’ve got to go.” He began to walk away.

I dropped my cigarette on the ground and went after him. I put my arms around his waist.

“Jacky,” I whined, “No, don’t go.”

He put an arm around my shoulders, and gently pulled the bottle out of my grip.

“Give it back,” I said, as he directed us towards the bus, “Give it to me.”

“No Alex, you’re drunk enough as it is.”

Just before we entered the tour bus, I remembered something very important that I had to tell Jack.

“Hey, hey Jack,” I said, “I need to tell you something. Something important.”

Jack looked at me and I narrowly avoided begin drowned in his chocolate brown eyes.

“Yeah Alex?”

“Jack, I love you.” I said in a steady voice, despite how much alcohol I’d consumed.

“Dude I love you too.”

“No, like as in I wanna be your boyfriend type of love,” The world was spinning I noticed, glancing around, “As in I wanna lie in bed and just cuddle, as in I wanna be able to kiss you all the time, not just on stage.”

The world was darkening. Hm. That generally means I was going to pass out. And…fuck.

Jack’s face was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes a few moments later. Jack was a nice person to wake up looking at, I wish I could do it every morning. I smiled.

“Hi.”

“Alex, don’t do that to me!” Jack said, pulling me up into a sitting position, “You scared me.”

I fumbled around in my pockets and took my lighter and cigarettes out, lighting one with ease. I exhaled the smoke and smiled again. They really did put me at ease.

Jack frowned, “You love me?”

“Holy shit. I said that?” I gulped when he nodded, “Fuck, I suppose it’s too late for me to try and say it’s just how best friends love each other?”

“Yeah, it kind of is.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” I repeated, putting my head in my left palm, not wanting to look at Jack when he turned me down.

Jack lifted my face with two of his long fingers and I looked up at him, blinking sluggishly.

“Hey Alex…” He began, “You know I’ll always love you as a friend right?”

I nodded, tapping ash on the ground.

“And well, it flatters me that you feel that way about me. But… I don’t feel that way about you. I’m truly sorry.”

And he looked at me with such care that it broke my heart. It made my love for him grow, but I couldn’t say that.

“I – I know that,” I said softly, glancing at the ground again and taking a long drag of my cigarette, “And I accepted that a long time ago.”

“Well ok then – so long as you’re sure.”

“Yeah, I am.” I wasn’t, but now wasn’t the time to think that. I stubbed my cigarette out and got up.

How did I get such a good best friend? I asked myself as Jack opened the door and helped me into the tour bus.

---

“I loved you first, I love you still.
I always will…”
- Always Summer, Yellowcard.

---

I watched with a sad smile as Jack sat with the slut of the night, making out with her. I winced as Jack sloppily pushed his tongue into the slut’s mouth. I took a drink of my Jack Daniels. It was painful, watching him be with someone else.

But at least, I would always have the satisfaction of being the first one to love Jack Barakat. No one else did it first. And I thought I always would love him, I don’t think I’d ever stop loving him.