Beautiful Soul

-Alex-

I woke up without a clue of where I was. It looked like the medical wing. I glanced around the room, noticing Holden beside me. He was asleep with his head on the side of the bed. He was snoring lightly, which made me chuckle a little. He awakened at my chuckle, immediately jumping up into a standing position.

“Alex!” he yelled.

“Holden?” I questioned.

“Thank you, God.” I heard him say quietly, “How are you feeling?” he asked.

“My head hurts a little, but I’m fine. Why am I here?” I asked. Then I remembered. Dad was dead, but that didn’t explain why I was here.

“What do you remember?” he asked.

“Dad…” I paused, feeling tears come to my eyes. “Dad…he’s dead.” I said, and tears instantly poured out of my eyes. Holden scooted me over, pulling me into his arms to comfort me. I started to resist, but he held me even tighter. I struggled for a little longer, but gave up, letting the tears flow from my eyes. He smoothed my hair, softly whispering, “Shh.”

Why was he comforting me? I had been avoiding him for so long, and he’s totally okay with that? I wouldn’t be if someone did that to me. It’s like that never happened.

I cried, letting my tears fall onto Holden’s plain white t-shirt, surly staining it. He held me close, and I could hear his heartbeat. It was beating perfectly in sync with mine, which was wild. Without even realizing it, I leaned in closer to him.

I eventually fell back to sleep, crying myself there. Of course, I fell asleep in Holden’s arms, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything at the moment. Serenity’s deal with me, how the doctor could walk in at any moment, nothing. Nothing mattered to me.

I woke up in the morning and Holden was gone. He was probably in class by this time. The clock on the wall said that it was eight seventeen. Holden wasn’t in class. He had study hall this period.

I thought back to yesterday. It was like there was a big hole where yesterday is supposed to be in my memories. I couldn’t remember anything but the fact that my father was no longer apart of this earth. He was gone. Just like my mother. He was with her now, which I know would make him happy. He was probably happier now than he was when he was alive. He was now by mom’s side, watching me from above.

I didn’t even get to tell him what I was doing for Ander. I didn’t even get to talk to him one last time. I hadn’t actually talked to him since our lunch a few week ago. Thinking this way made tears once again come to my eyes.

“Miss. Oakland.” I heard as the doctor came in. I wiped my tears away, keeping the rest in for when I was alone. The doctor was the same from the first day. It was the same doctor who took care of my hand. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

How was I feeling? I felt damaged, heartbroken, and remorseful. So many emotions were running through me, but I could say how I felt mentally. He was meaning how I felt physically. “I feel fine.” I lied. “Only a small headache. That’s all.” I said, glancing at him. Wait… Had he said Miss. Oakland?

“Wait, Dr. Pena, did you say Miss?” I asked, truly frightened that he had figured out my secret.

“Yes, Miss, I did. It’s good that you aren’t feeling anything more than a headache. I’m sure you don’t remember some things, am I correct?” he asked. How had he known that I was a girl? Did Holden tell him?

“Yes, you’re correct, but how? How do you know?” I asked, confused.

“I’m a doctor, sweetheart. I had to run tests. Plus, it’s rather obvious.” he said, shortly continuing afterwards, “You are suffering from short term memory loss. We think it is short term, but we aren’t for certain. How much do you remember?” he asked. I was still flabbergasted that he knew about my secret, but I didn’t question it any further.

“I don’t remember anything that happened yesterday besides the fact…that my dad passed away.” I said, looking away from him.

“I see.” Dr. Pena started, “Well, it’s very common for this to happen to people after they have experienced some sort of shock. I’m honestly surprised that you remember what put you here. You’ll most likely begin to get your memories back from yesterday soon, but there is no guaranteeing when that will happen. There is a slight chance that you will not receive the memories back, but it’s quite unlikely.” I thought he was finished talking, but he added one last thing, “You’re lucky.”

I nodded, knowing how lucky I was. I was thankful that I didn’t lose more of my memory. I wouldn’t have remembered even coming here if I had lost any more of my memory. Ander would have been screwed if that happened.

“So, are you going to say anything about me being a girl?” I asked, glancing at him, but I instantly glanced away when he looked at me.

“No, I’m not. I should, but I won’t. I’ll let you figure that situation out on your own. It’s none of my business, nor will it ever be.” he said. I sighed out of relief. I was quite surprised that he wasn’t going to say something. Usually in the position he’s in, you’d think he’d let the head of the academy know, but I guess not. “You’ll have to stay in the medical wing at least for tonight. We need to make sure there isn’t any head trauma or anything seriously wrong with you. You’ll be able to return to class tomorrow.” he told me.

Dr. Pena left the room shortly after, leaving me by myself. I only was able to get a few minutes of peace and quiet before Holden walked in. He was carrying a tray of some sort. He smiled at me. Why was he like this?

“I brought you breakfast.” he said, setting the tray down on the bedside table. It was very generous of him to do so, but I wasn’t very hungry. I hadn’t been very hungry at all lately. I decided to be nice and eat it anyway.

I grabbed for the drink that he brought, taking a giant gulp. I was parched. I regretted taking as big of a drink as I did, considering half of it when down the wrong way. I coughed, placing my hand on my throat. Holden patted my back to help me. I could feel my eyes tear up from all the coughing.

“Are you alright?” Holden asked me. I nodded, still coughing a little.

“Yep.” I cleared my throat. “Just choking a little.” I said, taking another sip to calm the coughing. It tasted like orange juice, but with a hint of banana. It had a rather odd taste, but in a good way.

“Thanks, you know, for the food.” I said, clearing my throat one last time. I sounded awkward when I said this, but I shrugged it off.

“It’s no problem. Really.” he said, giving me yet another smile.

This was the time. It was the time to ask him why he was here. Did her really care all that much to do what he has done? “Holden, can I ask you something.” I asked, turning my gaze toward him.

He nodded, “Sure, anything.” he took a sip of water, placing the cap back on the bottle after he was finished. He leaned back in the chair he sat in, putting his hands behind his head.

“Why exactly are you here? I’ve been avoiding you for weeks now.” I asked him, waiting for his response.

“What?” he asked. He sounded surprised. Why was he surprised?

“Why are you here?” I repeated, furrowing my eyebrows.

“You don't...” he stopped. I don’t what?

“What?” I asked, “I don’t what?” I raised an eyebrow toward him, turning my head slightly to the side. Was I missing something?

“Never mind. It isn’t that important I guess. I’m here because you need someone to watch over you.” he said, but I had the feeling that he was hiding something from me.

“Are you sure that’s it? I feel like there is more.” I said, giving him a suspicious look.

He mumbled something that I couldn’t make out, but said something shortly after. “I’m sure.” he said, although when he said this, I felt that he wasn’t so sure.

We sat in silence as I ate. It was delicious, the food. He brought me a variety of food, ranging from bacon to biscuits.

“I’ll just leave you to eat.” Holden said after a few moments of neither of us talking. I nodded, and he left. Just like that.

---

-Holden-

I grabbed a little bit of everything from the breakfast table this morning to bring back to Alex. I hope she remembered everything. There was a little feeling inside of me that was telling me that I didn’t want her to remember, but I truly did.

“I brought you breakfast.” I said as I entered, setting the tray down on the bedside table. I sat in the chair beside her bed, waiting for her to take a bite of something, or drink something.

She grabbed for the drink I brought, taking a giant gulp. She seemed rather thirsty like she hadn’t drunk anything for days. I smiled a little at this, until she started to choke on the juice. She coughed, putting her hand on her throat. I leaned over, patting her gently on the back, trying to help her.

“Are you alright?” I asked her, concerned. She nodded, still coughing a little.

“Yep.” she answered, clearing her throat a bit. “Just choking a little.” she took another sip to calm the coughing. I could tell she was contemplating whether she liked it or not. She gave a look as though to say she did like it.

“Thanks, you know, for the food.” she said, clearing her throat one last time. There was a weird tone to her voice as she said this. I didn’t know whether it was from her previously choking, or from me being in the room.

“It’s no problem. Really.” I said, giving her a soft smile.

“Holden, can I ask you something.” she asked me, looking at me.

I nodded, twisting the cap off of my bottle, “Sure, anything.” I took a drink of the water, placing the cap back on the bottle after I had finished. I leaned back in the chair, making myself comfortable by putting my hands behind my head.

“Why exactly are you here? I’ve been avoiding you for weeks now.” She asked.

This shocked me a little. “What?” I asked. It honestly surprised me that she asked that.

“Why are you here?” she repeated, furrowing her eyebrows in a peculiar way.

“You don’t…” I stopped, remembering what Dr. Pena had told me. She night not remember everything, and if she doesn’t don’t force it on her. It could lead to things worsening.

“What?” she asked, “I don’t what?” I glanced at her, and she raised an eyebrow toward me, turning her head slightly to the side as if confused.

“Never mind. It isn’t that important I guess. I’m here because you need someone to watch over you.” I lied. That wasn’t the real reason, of course.

“Are you sure that’s it? I feel like there is more.” she said, sending a look in my direction.

“No, it’s not.” I mumbled low enough so that she wouldn’t be able to hear me. “I’m sure.” I said, covering it up.

She ate silently, and I didn’t speak. “I’ll just leave you to eat.” I said after a few moments of neither of us talking. She nodded, and I simply left.

I walked out of the hospital wing, feeling slightly sad. She didn’t remember our talk from yesterday. The talk where I admitted my feeling for her. I guess it really didn’t matter anyways. She said she hadn’t felt the same way I did. I couldn’t tell her again. She’d have to remember on her own. That was the only way.

---

-Alex-

I finished my breakfast shortly after Holden left. I had nothing to do for the majority of the day. Lee Am came to visit during his free period, which was around two.

“Alexandier, you’re just too clumsy!” Lee Am said as he entered my area. His voice made me smile.

“Yeah, seems like it, doesn’t it?” I laughed a little, and he chucked, too. It was nice to hear his voice.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as he sat in the chair Holden was in earlier. Oh, Holden. There was a twinge of hope in me that wanted him come back, but it was highly unlikely that he would, and probably not the best idea.

“Better than I was this morning.” I said, “I kind of lost some of my memory, you know, because I’m clumsy and lose things easily.” I finished.

Lee Am’s eyes widened for a split second, and then he asked, “From when?”

“Just yesterday’s memories. Nothing important, I guess. The doctor said I should get them back sometime soon, if at all.”

“So you don’t remember telling all of us that secret?" he asked me. What was he talking about? What secret? Hopefully it was some stupid little thing, and not that I was a girl. My stomach twisted with nervousness.

“What secret?” I asked, my eyes becoming slightly wider.

“You told us some sort of gibberish. That you were a girl, or something.” he said, acting as though it was nothing.

Had I actually said that? How stupid could I actually be? “What? What are you talking about?” I asked, frantically trying to find a reasonable explanation.

“I'm kidding!” he said, giving a laugh. A weight lifted off my shoulder. How could he do that?

“Funny. Really.” I said, giving him a fake laugh. I literally had such a shock right then.

“No, but we did make plans for Saturday to practice out piece of music.” he informed me. Saturday. No plan except for that.

“Okay, well, thank you for informing me.” I hit his arm, “And that’s for the joke.” I said.

He rubbed his arm as if it hurt when I hit him. I knew it didn’t because I barely hit him. “That’s rude, Alexandier.” he said, playfully glaring. I smiled, giggling softly.

“I never said I was nice.” I said, smiling at him. He smiled back.

“Did anything else important happen?” I asked him after a little while.

He shook his head, “Not that I can recall on short notice, no.” he said, putting his feet up in the bed. I knocked them off instantly.

“No. That’s gross. Don’t do that.” I said, shaking my head.

“Since when did you become such a neat freak?” he asked, but I knew he was just kidding. Or at least I thought he was. It was true though. I had become more of a neat freak since I started attending the school. Maybe it was because Holden like things more organized and neat.

“I don’t know.” I said, “It just sprung on me, I guess.” I lied, knowing it was because of Holden.

“It’s weird. It’s just not like you.” Lee Am stated as he stood up. “Anyways, I don’t think I can stay any longer. I have a piano class to attend soon.” he finished. I glanced at the wall clock the hospital provided, realizing that it was only almost three. Time had been going by way too slow. I still had over twelve hours left in this room.

“Adios, Alexandier!” he said, waving his hand at me as he started to leave.

“I thought you were Korean.” I said, waving my hand back.

“I am.” he said, stopping in the doorway.

“Then why’d you say goodbye in Spanish?” I asked, laughing a little.

“Am I not allowed to?” he asked, smiling a tad.

“Well, I just thought you’d say it in Korean.” I said quietly.

“Fine. Annyeong.” he said, “Are you happy now?” he asked me, turning his head to the side.

I laughed, “Yes, I am.” I said, “Goodbye.” I finished as he left. I know he couldn’t hear me, but I said it anyways to be nice.

I sighed, relaxing back against the hospital bed. Why couldn’t I remembered what happened yesterday? Was it really not that important? Or maybe it was extremely important. Did it have something to do with Holden? Was that why he was being oddly generous? I laid there trying to remember even though Dr. Pena told me not to. He told me that it was important to let the memories come back on their own, but I couldn’t cope with the fact that I was missing something. It bothered me not knowing what happened the previous day.

I turned over on my side, closing my eyes as I thought about my father. He, like my mother, was incredibly too young to have passed away. He was only thirty-eight years old. My mother, on the other hand, was in her late twenties when she had passed away.

I still remember that night. It was horrible. Our father had gotten the call and almost immediately broke down. Ander and I were only eight when it happened. He comforted me when our father had been gone. He left us alone at our house while he went to the hospital. Ander and I were both sobbing our eyes out, but he had tried to keep it in, He tried to be strong for me, and succeeded for the most part. He comforted me until I fell asleep.

A drunk driver had hit her head on. She was coming back home from work, and the road conditions were perfectly fine. The driver ran a red light, swerved into the lane my mother was in, and hit her. The paramedics told us that she died instantly from the impact. The drunk driver lived. A few months later, we learned that he had committed suicide because he couldn’t take the guilt. He had wrote it in a letter that he left for his wife.

My mother’s car accident had been the reason why Ander’s was so terrifying. My father and I were incredibly scared that the same thing had happened to her, had happened to him.

I hadn’t realized it, but I dozed off while trapped in my thoughts. When I awoke, Holden was back. Why was her here? I didn’t really need him anymore, if ever.

“Good, you’re awake!” Holden said, a little more excited than I had expected. He said this immediately as I opened my eyes. “I grabbed your work from Trigonometry for you.” He handed me a book along with a notebook.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, squinting at the lights from above. I grabbed the notebook from him, “Thanks, Holden, but-“ he cut me off.

“Mr. Tate asked me to tutor you. I agreed to do so, if you’re okay with it.”

In all honesty, I wasn’t okay with it, but there was no way I could tell him that. “All right, but you are going to have to let me have a minute or two to actually wake up.” I said, yawning shortly after. A few second after, Holden yawned as well. This was not how I wanted to spend my time. I wanted to be alone, but with Holden here, that wasn’t going to happen.

“All right, but you are going to have to give me a moment to wake up.” I said, stretching my arms out. Not only did I have to do something I was horrible at, but I also had to deal with Holden. “Don’t expect me to understand anything that comes out of your mouth, by the way. Math is like a whole other language to me.” I bluntly said, yawning once again.

He nodded, “I know it’s not your best subject, so I understand.” he said. I could hear a slight hint of awkwardness in his voice. What he said was somewhat insulting, but I didn’t take it to heart.

“Okay, I think I’m ready. Hit me with the Trig.” I said, trying to put some humor into the conversation. Holden opened the book without a laugh.

“All right, so the first page he gave me was page one fourteen.” he said, flipping to the page. I stared at him, wondering how this was going to work. He had a book, and I didn’t. Holden finally looked up after a few minutes, giving me a look that signaled he was confused.

“Um, Holden, you only brought one book.” I said, ending his confusion. He looked down at his book, then back to me.

“Guess we are going to have to share then.” he stated rather calmly. He got up from his chair, walking over to the bed. I stared at him blankly.

“What are you doing?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I was utterly confused at this point.

“Well, we have to share the book. Scoot over.” he said, nudging me gently.

Share? The bed? What in the hell was he thinking?

“S-share?” I asked, feeling alarmed. I hadn’t meant to stutter, but it came out anyways.

“Yeah, the book, now scoot.” he said, nudging me with a little more force this time. He actually was able to move me this time, taking the opportunity to sit beside me. I felt awkward, but comfortable at the same time. I looked at him, and after a second, he looked at me, too. He gave a soft smile, in which I had to return. We stared into each other’s eyes for a minute, until I broke the stare. I looked down at my notebook, but I could feel his eyes still on me.

"Anyways." I said, breaking the silence. "We should start on this Trig." I said, scooting a little ways away from him.

He cleared his throat, looking away from me. "Yeah, of course." he said quietly, continuing shortly after, "So, we need to find-" he started but I blanked out. I could understand why this felt so awkward.

"Holden, wait." I said, looking at him once again. He stopped talking about the problem to look at me.

"What?" he asked.

"What happened last night?" I asked, watching as a slight blush moved it's way across his cheeks. "I can tell something happened, I just can't tell what. Something to affect us." I continued, waiting to see if he would reply.

"Nothing ha-"

"Please don't lie about it. I've been trying to figure out what happened, but I can't. The memories won't come back. It's like they don't want to. Please, Holden, just tell me." I closed my eye at this point.

He sighed, "I can't." was all he said.

"Why can't you? There is no reason you can't." I said, raising my voice. I hadn't meant to. I felt the anger start to bubble up inside of me.

"Because I can't, Alex. I just can't. Can we just leave it at that?" he asked, raising his voice as well.

I slumped back against my pillow. "Just leave." I said. He looked back at me, a look of shock spreading across his face.

"We are suppo-" I cut him off once again.

"I don't care what we are supposed to be doing. Just leave."

"But-"

"Holden! I can't deal with this right now. Leave." I said with more force. He stood up slowly, grabbing the book. "Fine." I heard him mumble. He stopped for a minute at the entrance way, taking a glance back, but left after.