Beautiful Soul

Holden and I walked into the funeral home side by side. We were close enough to where it looked as though we were touching, but we weren’t. I could feel the heat radiating off of his body, which kept me warm.

The funeral home was decorated subtly, yet beautifully. The benches were all organized accordingly in rows. There were doors along the walls, each leading into separate rooms. The casket, my father’s casket, was in the front of the room. An isle in the center of the room led to the casket.

Ander came out of a door to my left still in his wheelchair. “Hey, Lex!” Ander glanced to my right, a frown coming to his face, “Who is this?” he asked, raising his right eyebrow slightly.

“Ander, this is Holden, my roommate. Well, your roommate. Holden,” I looked over to him, holding out my hand to Ander, “this is Ander, or Alexander.”

Ander stared. Holden took the chance to say hello, “Hello, Alexander.” he said. It was extremely awkward.

“Hey! I’m Alexander, but you can call me Ander if you’d like.” There was the Ander I knew.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alexander.” Holden was obviously uncomfortable with calling him Ander even though he had given him permission. Holden was incredibly stiff as though he was meeting my father.

“You too, Holden.” Ander responded, wheeling himself closer to me. “Lex, how have you been?” he asked, holding his arms out for me to hug him, which I did.

“I’ve been okay.” I replied, squeezing him tightly. “I’ve missed you.”

“Aw, sis, don’t start being sappy with me. The funeral hasn’t even began.” he said, which was pretty insensitive of him, but I knew he meant well. Ander would always try to make everyone happier. It was weird, but he’d always been like that.

I tried my best to chuckle, “Shush, And.” I replied, squeezing him a little tighter. I pulled away and noticed the hurt in Ander’s eyes.

“You look great, by the way, Lex.” he told me, giving me a soft smile.

“Thanks, you too.” I said, complementing his black suit and red tie. It was Dad’s tie.

Ander and I talked for a while, until I remembered Holden was there, too. He had been silent the whole time. I looked back at him wondering if he was listening to our entire conversation, but he was just staring at the floor. I wouldn’t have minded him listening, but he seemed to respect our privacy. Ander wheeled himself away after say that he needed to talk to the pastor about a few more things before the funeral started. The funeral started in fifteen minutes.

Ander had reserved seats for family in the front, but he hadn’t planned on Holden being here, so he hadn’t reserved him a seat. I knew Ander would be sitting by me, but he wasn’t Holden. Holden somehow knew how to calm me. He knew how to comfort me in a way that no one had ever done before. I don’t know how, but he did.

“I guess I’ll sit back there somewhere.” Holden said walking back a little.

I grabbed his hand before he could back away any further, “No.” I said a little too forcefully. Holden looked surprised by this, but he walked forward a bit, “Sit by me. I need you to sit by me.” I finished, holding onto his hand. He looked down at my hand before nodding in agreement that he would sit by me.

The funeral began shortly after three o’clock. I tried by best to stay focused, but it was so hard for me to. I could hardly believe my father was dead. The last time I had seen or even heard from him was at lunch a few months back. I didn’t even get the chance to actually say goodbye.

This thought brought the tears to my eyes. That, and the slowly moving pictures of the slideshow in front of us. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling as a few tears came out of my eyes and slid down my cheeks. Remembering all of those times we had as a family together before mom died made the tears fall even more, but I tried to hold it in.

Before I knew it, Holden’s hand was grabbing mine. He squeezed my hand softly as he intertwined our fingers. He drew small, invisible circles in the back of my hand with his other while scooting closer to me. Our thighs softly touched as we were knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder. I closed my eyes, letting more tears flow from my eyes, and he squeezed a little harder and more reassuringly.

---

The funeral ended about an hour later, and the burial an hour after that, which made it nearly six. The sky had grew darker, the stars popping out slowly.

I looked up at the stars, knowing my father was now in peace. Whether was proud of me, or disappointed in me, I knew he was watching me. I wrapped my arms as tightly around myself as I could. The late-October wind was chillier than I would have expected.

Holden and I walked in silence down a concrete path just outside the burial site of my father. He had been so incredibly sweet today, let alone very helpful. He had comforted me so much, which I was extremely thankful for. I couldn’t have gotten through it without him.

Holden looked over at me, noticing me shiver. He tried his best not to make it noticeable to me that he saw. I pretended as if I didn’t.

“Aren’t you cold?” He asked, looking directly at me as we walk.

“I’m okay.” I lied, shivering once again. All I had was my long-sleeved dress. I had forgotten to bring a jacket, which was rather dumb of me considering it was the end of October. It was warmer during the funeral than it was now, as well.

Holden, knowing that I was lying, removed his jacket from his suit, placing it over my shoulders lightly with a smile. I smiled back at him as a silent thank you. I shoved my arms gently through the arms of the jacket to avoid tearing anything. I knew it probably wouldn’t rip with how luxurious it was. The jacket was no doubt big on me, but it actually did a pretty good job at keeping me warm.

“Are you doing all right?” Holden asked after a moment of silence.

I buttoned the button on his jacket, nodding my head, “Yes.” I replied.

“That is exactly the reason why I like you, Alex. I don’t like you for your looks, or your intelligence level. I like you because you are someone who didn’t just use me for my fame like everyone else. You are nice to me, caring, and everything.” The words popped into my head so suddenly, I stopped in place. Why had the memory all of a sudden decide to come back at this moment?

“How do you know that I didn’t use your for your fame?” I remember myself asking.

“I can see it in your eyes that you didn’t. You have the total opposite look that Serenity does when she looks at me. Her eyes show desperation and greed. Your eyes show compassion and care. Alex, I like you. I really do like you.”

Holden had confessed to me the night my father died. He’d confessed that he liked me, and I had turned him down. Why had I remembered now? What brought this on? Was it because he was caring so much?

“Alex?” I heard my name being called, but I couldn’t think. He had a hold of my shoulders, shaking me lightly. “Alex?” he called again, and I snapped out of my daze.

“You confessed that you liked me.” I said, looking up at him. I could see the breath coming out of his mouth from how cold it was. We were standing only a foot apart at this point. His arms dropped to his side.

“You remember.” he replied, looking directly into my eyes with his.

“And I turned you down.” I continued. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me go on thinking nothing happened, Holden?” I asked him, feeling confused and honestly a little hurt.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to distance yourself from me like you were before.” he explained as he continued to hold onto my shoulders. Holden walked close to me to where we were only inches apart, “Even if you don’t want to admit it, I can see in your eyes that you feel something for me. When I’m near you, your eyes have this gleam in them. You’re not telling me something, I know that. I don’t know why you are so afraid to come clean. I’ve already told you how I feel about you, and you refuse to let me know your feelings, but if you want to be ‘secretive’, then fine. I won’t bother you anymore.” He let go of my shoulders and turned to start walking again, but I grabbed his arm.

“Holden…” I looked into his chocolate brown eyes, noticing the truth that came with every word he said. I stood on the tip of my toes, reaching my arms around his neck. I brought my lips closer to his, barely grazing them with mine. Our lips met softly, yet a little slowly. My lips tingled against his as I felt a rush of electricity travel between the two of us. His lips were incredibly soft and they tasted of vanilla coffee. His favorite. I hadn’t remembered him drinking coffee. Maybe that was his natural taste since he drank it so much.

My lips slowly left his after a minute, and I instantly regretted kissing him. I don’t know why I did it. It was a huge mistake on my part. If Serenity found out, I wouldn’t be able to make Ander’s dream come true. She would out my secret so fast. I wouldn’t even have a chance to explain to her that it was a accident. His face held a goofy smile.

“Holden…” I repeated, bracing myself for what I was going to say next, “I’m sorry. This was a really big mistake…” I backed away watching his smile fade instantly and he wore a look of hurt on his face. My heart broke for him. I couldn’t.

“Alexandria.” He used my full name. My eyes grew wet with tears, realizing that this was the first actual time he had said my name. He’d never said it before and the way he said it was so devastating. I didn’t even know that he knew my full name, so when he had said it, it shocked me.

“I’m so sorry.” Tears fell from my eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

“No. You aren’t going to do this to me again. I know you like me, Alexandria, I know you do. I like you, too. Why are you so adamant about us not being together? Is it because of Serenity? We haven’t been together for a month.” he stated, raising an eyebrow. It didn’t matter if he and Serenity were together or not. I couldn’t be with him. It would risk too much.

“It’s not that-” I started, but he cut me off.

“Then why won’t you give me a chance? Why can’t we be something more than what we are?” he asked.

Once I heard the desperation in his voice, I knew he had meant it. I knew that he truly liked me. Maybe this was one of those things that he just needed to try it in order to get over it. Maybe it wasn’t. I didn’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.

It was my turn to confess, “Holden, I do like you. I like you more than I’ve ever liked anyone. I don’t know where these feelings came from, but they are here and they are real. I’ve had them for a while now and I didn’t want to admit it, but now I finally am. I like you.” I paused thinking one last time before finally saying, “I will give you a chance, Holden.”