So I Need You

"We are not here today to mourn the death of Justin Mathew Jensen, but to celebrate his life," the pastor spoke solemnly. "He was an extraordinary man, kind and giving. Loved by so many, and it was very evident that he loved those surrounding him as well. He will be missed, and always remembered as the loving son, brother, grandchild and friend that he was. I step down now and give the stand to Miss. Elizabeth Courtney Jensen, who has prepared something today in honor of her brother."

I proceeded to standing at the foot of the mahogany casket, my legs trembling violently. I kissed the tip of my fingers, then pressed them against the case in which my big brother laid in. "J-Justin was my brother, and as different as we were, we always understood each other. There was never anything I couldn't go to him with, because everyone knows that Justin was the most free-spirited person this town has ever encountered." I took a deep ragged breath, willing myself not to cry. "He was m-my best friend aside from being my brother. He was the only person I could count on, the only one who'd never let me down, and now he's gone." I heard my mother cry out in despair, and I saw my father sitting stiff as a board, not daring to show any emotion. "Justin was the type of guy who accepted anyone, even with all their faults, he was the last person to judge. I don't know why God would take someone who was such an example to the world, we need more people like him." I let my head fall as my attempt to hide my emotions faltered, I couldn't take it. "I-I-I c-can't believe I'm going to have to live in a world without him," I cried, as I lowered my face to the casket, "Justin, I love you. I'm so sorry, you deserve to be here more than anyone in the world, I miss you."

I shook my head, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes until I felt a small hand grabbing mine, causing me to stop abruptly. "T-t-t-that was b-b-beautiful Beth," Amber sobbed. "I-I-I'm s-so sorry."

She wrapped her arms around me, hugging onto me so tightly it became hard to breathe. "W-we're going to be okay," she insisted, stroking my hair.

"I know," I replied, my voice not nearly as shaky as hers, "I know. So, smile Am, that's what Justin would've wanted. He loved you so much, and even though he's gone, I know he's loving you from wherever he is," I looked up at the sunny sky, "he's smiling at all of us right now Am."

►►►►

I sat facing the tombstone, my heart tearing apart at the memories of my big brother. "I miss you Justin, you're s-so stupid for leaving," I spoke harshly at the ground underneath me. It had been one year since the accident, since my brother was hit by a drunk driver on his way home from work. Things were hard in the beginning, and I thought time would heal it all, but the truth was it was getting worse with every passing day.

What once was a loving, civilized family had turned into a house filled with hatred and coldness. Nothing was the same since my brother left us. My father was always raged. In attempt to hide his grief, he turned that sadness into anger and resentment. Resentment towards me, towards my mother, towards the entire world. He quit his job, as a lawyer and as a father. He'd taken to consuming alcohol on a regular basis, hoping to drink his pain away, but it had no affect. He just continued to drink, and the more he drank the angrier he got. The angrier he got, the more violent he got. And well, you can put two and two together. My mother was no help, she was too scared for her life to take action. She put her foot down when he came after me, but was far too traumatized to leave him, after all, she still loved him.

I spent most of my time in the company of my best friend, who could otherwise be known as my soul sister. Amber Marie Daniels. She was supposed to be my sister-in-law, but Justin went an change the plans. I always spoke about his death as though he brought it upon himself, it was easier to cope with that way.

Ever since he died, life had not only been different...it'd been lonely. Even when as I was in a crowd of people, I felt so alone. I tried to find love, someone to love me, but it wasn't as easy as the movies make it seem. The only time I didn't feel so alone were times like these, sitting there in the middle of the cemetery, reading and re-reading the words engraved on his tombstone:

Justin Mathew Jensen
1987-2007

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I had picked those words, a quote I loved, one I also believed in. It fit Justin so well, as he always lived life to his fullest capacity, and I knew that he never feared death, he wasn't sad to go because he'd been happy his whole life.

"Why can't you speak to me?" I questioned in frustration, "A sign, anything would be nice. I can't stand going home, it isn't worth it with you gone Just. Mom is working two jobs, she misses her baby boy, she looks like she's getting older everyday. Daddy's been a wreck since the moment we got that dreadful phone call, he's just not the same. I miss him just as much I miss you. I thought maybe he'd man up since you left, but he's tearing the family apart, I hate to say this, b-but it's like he's died too," I wiped my nose as sobs started to take over my body. "Amber misses you so much, but I know you'll be happy to know she's met someone. She doesn't love him the way she loves you, but it's good for her, she needed to start seeing other people. I hope you know she's not replacing you, she could never do that, you were her entire world. Justin," I sobbed, "I-I hate who I've become. Mom and Dad don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who I am anymore! I don't know why I act like this, I don't know why I treat myself this way. I know you'd lecture me, 'Elizabeth Courtney Jensen, have some self-respect! You're my little sister, and I'll lock you in a room until I knock some sense into you if I have to!'," I mimicked my brother's voice. "Amber's always so worried, and I hate that I do that her. I'm in too deep now, people expect things of me, but I'm ashamed of the reputation I've made for myself Justin. P-please, j-just take me with you. Please, please, please," I pleaded, shutting my eyes tightly, hoping God would take me. The wind whistled loudly, it was getting cold and dark. I knew it was time to go home, but I dreaded the thought.

"I'll see you soon," I whispered looking up at the sky. "I love you Justin."

I stood up, taking one last glance at the grave where he lay. I shook my head in disappointment, once again hoping that I'd wake up from this nightmare. Wake up to the sound of my brother's laughter, to the smile on his face as he mocked my bad habit of sleep walking, but I wasn't waking up. This was a reality, he was gone. Nobody had loved me like he did, and part of me was gone. I was desperate to find someone to fill that void.

I wiped the few tears now cascading down my face. It was true what I'd said, I hated the person I had become, but the truth was, life wasn't worth trying to make the change anyway...