So I Need You

Why was it that every time things finally started looking up for me, I got kicked down again?

I couldn't stand the jealousy. I couldn't stand feeling like I was in competition with a girl I'd never met before. But mostly, I couldn't stand the constant reminder that there was someone else. Knowing all the time he spent thinking of her, and the realization that she could have him at any moment was like salt on an open wound.

The worst part was that he had no idea what he was doing to me. He had no idea that every time he mentioned her, it was a struggle not to cry, and I never had the urge to cry. I couldn't understand what it was about him. I'd gone from being cold and blunt, to the girl laying awake in bed at night thinking of nothing but him.

I had much greater worries to deal with in my life, yet he seemed to be my main concern. I tried to avoid him, but that invisible force always pulled me back. It was a desperation like I'd never known, a dependence I'd never felt.

I wanted out, but I needed him.

►►►►

I opened my locker, a pink flier falling off the shelf. I picked it up off the ground, knowing well that it was yet another party invitation. I read the paper quickly, mentally scolding myself for even considering it.

I knew that putting myself in that type of scene would only cause trouble, seeing as I had zero self-control. But I'd been so good, completely blowing off the last few invites I'd received, and I'd been feeling so somber. I deserved it, I wanted it.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to squeeze it out of you?" Amber whispered harshly.

"Nothing," I lied, "I'm just tired I guess."

"Oh, please," she hissed, "I'm not stupid-"

"Hello ladies," Joe beamed, appearing at our locker.

I smiled weakly, mentally unprepared for the ranting I'd have to endure. "Joe," Amber smiled, "would you give us a minute?"

"Sure," he grinned, stepping far out of earshot.

"Am, nothing's wrong OK? Stop worrying, please."

"You're scaring me," she went on, disregarding what I said, "I mean things were going better, weren't they? You haven't been to a party in a month, you've been sober for a month Beth! That's amazing, considering nothing I did got you to stop. You're looking like you used to again-"

"Like I used to?" I questioned.

"Yeah," she sighed, "like you did before Joe. I mean, really Beth, I think everybody but Joe knows you like him. Did something happen with you two?"

I shut my eyes, breathing deeply. "Everybody knows?"

She smiled lightly, "It could just be me, considering how well I know you. But that's not the point Beth! The point is that you finally seemed happy again, and now you look like he caused some serious damage to your self-esteem."

I felt my lip tremble, as I fought desperately not to cry. "I can't take it anymore," I breathed.

"W-what?" she asked worriedly, "What can't you take? What has he been doing to you?"

I shook my head, blinking back the tears now brimming my green eyes. "Nothing, nothing," I lied, "he's just really oblivious sometimes."

"Beth, you coming?" Joe called.

I glanced over my shoulder, "Give me a second!"

"Beth look," Amber resumed quickly, "I'm glad Joe makes you happy, but I know something's been up this week. You've been really down. Did he say something or...Beth, does Joe have a girlfriend?"

I sighed heavily, "Something like that," I shrugged.

"Oh man," she breathed, "what is it Beth, just tell me."

"It's his ex-girlfriend," I confessed, "I think he might be in love with her, okay. Are you happy now?"

"Of course I'm not!" she exclaimed, "Why would I be happy when it's so obviously breaking your heart!"

"It's not," I insisted defensively, "if Joe's in love with her, then I wish him all the best."

I turned away, my heart truly breaking beneath all my lies.

"You ready?" Joe asked, that prize winning smile playing across his lips.

I nodded, following behind him. That was all I ever did. Followed him, and he always lead me right into heartache.

►►►►

I sat with Joe on the front steps of the school, the usual lunch spot, feeling far too numb to eat. "I've been worried about you," Joe confessed, breaking the silence we'd been soaking in.

"Why?" I demanded, "Why is everyone always so damn worried?"

I hadn't meant to be such a bitch, but I was on my last nerve. Who was he to be 'concerned' anyway, when he was the one who was so brutally destroying me. If it hadn't been for that damn picture, would things have been different?

"Because I care," he stated matter-of-factly, inching closer to me. His face held the utmost confusion as he watched me, my eyes never meeting his. "Haven't I proven myself to be trustworthy?"

"Sure," I shrugged.

"Beth, what is your problem?"

At that moment, I was fully prepared to scream as loud as my lungs would allow me. My blood boiled beneath my skin, as my hands shook violently. What was my problem, he asked.

"I mean all of this week you've been walking around with a gray cloud over your head, but now you're just being mean. I don't know if I did something, or if it was someone else, but would you please stop being so malicious with me?"

It took everything in me not to smack him. Instead I gathered my things, getting up to leave. "Beth," he sighed, "please."

You want me to talk? I thought angrily, You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is for you Joseph. "You know what," I seethed, "just pick up the fucking phone, and call her."