So I Need You

I sat with my head hanging low, the only sound to be heard was the whistling of the wind. I'd let my feet carry me wherever they pleased, and sure enough I'd ended up in the only place I ever felt at ease.

"You know what," I whispered shakily, "maybe things would've been easier if it had been me. Dad wouldn't be so angry, mom would've lead a much happier life. Amber would still have the one thing she lived for, and Joe would only hear of my memory. There wouldn't be any confusion or any heartache, and you'd be sitting here telling me how you were going to propose to Amber."

I shifted my weight so that I was sitting cross legged. "I mean it seems unfair to me, that you had to have been the one. You weren't ready, you had something to live for, I didn't. I don't know how you did it, living your life for someone else Justin, the feeling is almost unbearable. To need someone the way your lungs need air, the way a heart needs a beat...it's just no way to live."

"I don't know why I keep pushing him away," I went on, my hands trembling slightly, "maybe if I let him in, he could learn to love me. But I'm scared Justin, life is cruel. I'm scared the moment I feel happy again, that he's going to be taken away, like you were from my best friend. I saw the state she was in, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through what she did. I mean, I'm not saying I'm in love with him, but I am saying that I've never felt this way before."

I smiled weakly, my eyes glazed with tears. "Everything he does seems to make me want him more," I confessed, "he's so attentive, so considerate and he's so sincere. It's just sometimes, he's a damn idiot. But don't get me wrong, I know I've made my share of mistakes too, and I've hurt other people. I'm just so scared of the way he makes me feel, it's all so new. I've always been able to fend for myself, now it seems like living without him would be nothing short of torture."

"I have no right to be angry at him," I said aggressively, "I can't just expect the feeling to be mutual. I just wish he wouldn't constantly remind me of this girl! This girl whom I've never even met, who just happens to be the source to this headache. If he's going to leave, then I wish he'd just leave already. It's gotten to the point now, where it's more than I can handle. I want out Justin, I just want out of this trap."

►►►►

I stepped inside the house, grateful for the warmth that greeted me. It was a cold Friday night, and the sky was unusually gray. "Where have you been?" my mother asked, a dish rag in her hands.

"Amber's," I lied. My parents knew nothing of my regular visits to the cemetery.

She nodded, "Dinner will be on the table soon, go clean yourself up."

"OK."

"And Elizabeth," she went on, "your father has had a rough day. Please be considerate."

My insides squirmed nervously as the look on her face held nothing more than fear. Something had gone terribly wrong, and I had a feeling I would be paying the consequences.

"Would you like some more potatoes Jeffrey?" my mother asked meekly, her hands trembling slightly as she picked a bowl up off the table.

He grunted a response, not even bothering to look her in the eyes. It was heartbreaking to see what their relationship had transformed into, but even more so to know that my mother was still so desperately in love with him.

"What are you looking at?" my father snarled.

"N-nothing, sir," I stammered, focusing solely on the plate before me.

"You know, I don't even know why I bother to come home," he began angrily, "your daughter has absolutely no respect! We let her live under our roof and eat the food we work to provide, and look at how little respect she has towards me!"

"J-Jeffrey," my mother breathed, completely shocked. "She didn't do a thing."

"That's right Marina!" he screamed, "Try to defend her, you like to make me look stupid don't you? You're both useless, I don't even know why I come home!"

I watched my mother's eyes widen, her breaking heart reflecting clearly in them. "Jeffrey listen to yourself," she pleaded.

"We should have aborted you while we still had the chance," he sneered menacingly, his face merely centimeters from mine. "You're the reason Justin is dead! Had we not but a stop to your existence, I'd still have my son!"

My mother gasped, falling to her knees as cries of shock and desperation sounded from her mouth. Never in my life had I heard my mother cry with such agony, and it only made me hate my father even more.

His hand collided with the side of my head, as he dragged me from my chair, and onto the ceramic tiles. My body hit the cold floor with a thud, panic rising in me. It took him but a moment to find his usual target, and let his hand pound my bare skin.

"Dad, stop it!" I screamed shrilly, as he had taken to kicking me in the sides, but it only pushed him further.

He grabbed my wrists, lifting me slightly off the ground, but only to push me roughly down once again. "You disgusting, whore!" he screamed in rage, "You're worthless, nothing more than a mistake!"

"Jeffrey!" my mother demanded, trying with great force to pry his hands off of me.

"Get off!" he protested, backhanding her, only to resume to me. He grabbed me by the hair, his eyes more malicious than I'd ever seen them. "You're the reason Justin is dead! You're no daughter of mine," he spat kicking me all the more violently.

"Stop it!" I begged, shielding my face with my arms.

The pain ceased, as he stepped away, his hands bearing my blood. I reached behind my head, instantly feeling sick to my stomach as my hand felt the warmth of the oozing liquid.

"That's what you deserve," he breathed, shaking his head angrily. He raised his hand again, ready to give me yet another bruise, but at that moment I felt my voice coming back to me. I suddenly didn't feel so small, and I was done with letting him treat me this way.

"Stop this!" I screamed. His eyes widened, as he stared in disbelief, daring me to try and protest again. I stood up weakly, my legs shaking underneath me. "I know you're angry, and I hate it too! I wish Justin had never gone, but I'm still here!" I let the tears building up in my eyes fall freely, "I still need my dad!"

I gasped for air. I could barely breathe, and the room felt like it was spinning. My mother sat in a corner, her face buried deep in her hands as my father stared at me wildly, his hands clenched.

There was nothing I wanted more at that moment than to be as far from his as possible, and so I turned on my heel, disappearing out the front door in a hurry.

I walked along the sidewalk, my cellphone held to my ear as I tried reaching Amber for the third time that minute. "Come on," I muttered, "pick up."

No such luck, however.

I let my thumb roll over the dial pad, contemplating my choices. Joe? I thought meekly. Surprisingly enough, he had been the first one I wanted to call, but I couldn't get myself to doing it.

Not only were we 'not talking', but he had no idea of my 'secret life' and somehow, I didn't think this would be the best way for him to find out. No, calling Joe would be a bad idea.

I sighed, checking my surrounding before stepping onto the street, raising my hand in the air to hail a cab.

"Where to?" the man asked politely, turning to face me.

I pulled a pink flier from my jean pocket, and handed it over to him. "And quickly, please."