So I Need You

The party was still going strong as I slowly drifted back to consciousness, the blaring music never ceasing. My eyes fluttered open slowly, adjusting to the dim light.

I sat up slowly, using every ounce of strength left in me. "Joe?" I asked dumbly, staring at the back of his head.

He looked over at me, releasing Aaron from the death grip he'd been holding him. "Beth," he breathed.

I glanced at Aaron's bloody face, then back at Joe's matching knuckles. My eyes widened as realization dawned on me. "What d-did you do?" I demanded, my senses slowly coming back to me.

His eyes were dark and angry as he stole a glance in Aaron's direction, "Nothing," he shrugged, "I just thought I'd have a word with your friend."

"Beth, you never told me you had a boyfriend," Aaron spat icily, wiping his bloody nose. He stood up hastily, tugging at his sweater.

"I don't!" I screamed, my eyes never leaving Joe's brown ones. I'd never seen him looking so furious.

"You'd better watch yourself," Aaron threatened, poking Joe roughly in the chest.

"Or what?" he mocked, "Your face will hit my fist again?"

"Beth?" Aaron said, his eyes watching me expectingly.

"I thought I warned you not to talk to her. Don't even look in her direction, you dumb fuck."

I had never heard Joe speak with such vulgarity, and I felt how angry he was at me. I had wanted him there so badly. I had wanted him to be around, to protect me. But now instead of being relieved, I was angry. It mentally kicked myself for being so damn confusing. Instead of taking his gesture to be a caring friend, I took it as just another way of him trying to interfere with my life.

"Come," he said sternly, pointing towards the bedroom door, "we're getting out of here?"

"W-What are you doing? Who sent you here?" I screamed with a surprising amount of ease, stumbling off the bed and up to him.

"I knew you'd be here! Amber called me and said you weren't answering your phone! I trusted you Beth, I can't believe you'd do this."

I muttered something completely incoherent, still glaring daggers his way.

"It's none of your concern," I spat, "so you can leave n-now."

"You're coming with me," he replied matter-of-factly. "You don't think I'd actually let you stay here with that jackass."

"W-who the fuck are you! You have n-no say! I didn't ask for your help!"

"No?" he screamed, "Well I didn't ask for you to constantly need my help! But guess what Beth, I care! That's more than that asshole can say for himself."

I shook my head, angry tears spilling from eyes. "Get out!" I screamed, pushing him away violently.

He took my arms, holding me firmly. His eyes were wide and shining, as he spoke, "I'm not going anywhere without you."

"I want you to go!" I continued, hitting him aimlessly.

He shook his head stubbornly.

I shrugged his hands off, gathering my clothes from the floor. My eyes stung with tears as I darted past him, running as quickly as I could to get out of the house. I didn't care where I ended up, all I knew was that I wanted to be far away from him.

I stepped outside into the cold night, shivering violently under my thin sweater. I rubbed my arms for warmth as I started briskly down the deserted road.

"Beth, stop," he demanded.

And there he was, like always. I was tangled between wanting to believe in his sincerity and wanting to kill him.

He caught up with me, now walking along side. "Beth, please," he asked aggravated. "It's about fucking time we talk. You're acting so ridiculous. I didn't come here because I want to control you, I came because I care! And I'm not the only one who worries about you."

He watched me for any reaction, but I kept on walking forward. I couldn't possibly describe the thoughts and emotions running through me. I was on the verge of tears, of vomiting of keeling over and passing out. I always seemed so needy around him.

I felt stupid and humiliated.

I was angry at him. I was angry that he'd done this to me, he'd changed me. In some ways, it was a good thing, but the constant confusion and vulnerability was disgusting. I wanted to let him in and let him understand, but something in me forbade me.

I couldn't believe the position I'd put myself in. And all for what?

I'd never in my life felt the effect that Joe had on me, and beyond every other feeling washing over me, the most prominent was fear. The fear of having to live everyday with a part of me residing in him. Knowing that he held my strength, my happiness...my everything. That in itself was terrifying.

He'd stripped me down to nothing but my defense mechanism, and so I gave it a last shot, trying desperately to keep him out. Because no matter how much I wanted him around when he wasn't, the feeling his presence brought to me was too overwhelming to handle.

"Don't you?" he persisted, "Don't you think I deserve an explanation or at least some understanding as to what it is I'm doing wrong?"

I felt guilt course through me as his voice crack lightly.

"Fine," he said stubbornly, "But I hope you know I'm not going anywhere, not until you talk."

I'd never been so confused in my entire life. He was there and willing. He wanted to be my friend, he wanted to understand me and to care, but I wouldn't let him. I didn't know how or why, or what was even running through my mind. All I knew was the irregardless of what my heart was saying, my mind was screaming for me to run. And never look back.

"You know what!" he barked suddenly, breaking the silence. I jumped slightly, having forgotten I was in his company. "Nothing is ever good enough for you! You have the nerve to treat me this way after having gone through the fucking trouble and worry to find you! I want to be there for you, but you make it so damn hard. Why is it such a bad thing that I care Beth? It seems all I ever do is try to help you, and you just act like an insolent little-"

I whipped around angrily, my face glistening with tears. "Then why are you still here?" I screamed, "Just leave! I don't fucking need you! I don't need anyone!"

He stopped abruptly, evidently startled by my sudden outburst. I watched him angrily, my hands clenched at my sides. His eyes looked so full of concern, despite his icy voice. It was truly breaking my heart to have to look at his face for another second. The way his features were structured so perfectly, so beautifully. It only reminded me of everything going wrong in my life, of everything that seemed so out of reach.

"Why do you keep saying that?" he asked, his voice so soft it frightened me. "I'm not going anywhere, so you can stop worrying about that."

"My parents left me, my brother left me," I whispered harshly, his eyes never leaving my tear stained face. "What makes you think I can't take you leaving me too?"

"Beth," he pleaded, slowing inching closer. "I can't leave you, I'm in way too deep. You might not need me Beth, but I do. I need you."

I felt my breath catch in my throat, a his eyes glistened in the light of the moon. He was so close, I could feel his breath tingling against my skin. "I don't know why you're like this," he spoke softly, "but I need to know. Don't hide the broken parts I need to see, Beth."

My eyes fluttered as his face inched closer to mine, ridding me completely of my breath. My knees were giving out as he took my forearms, holding me tightly. "Are you ready?"

I nodded, completely oblivious to anything but his lips. "Good," he whispered, "because I'm ready to listen."

Oh.

He wrapped his arms around my frame, holding my body close to his.

I hugged myself, my face dug in his chest as sobs racked my body. "It's OK," he whispered, kissing the top of my head repeatedly. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you, but you need to promise you'll stop giving me these near heart attacks. I don't know if I could handle much more."

I choked out a laugh, still never meeting his eyes. "I really do care about you," he went on, his voice resuming to it's seriousness. "And it kills me that you do this to yourself."

I nodded against him, as I took in his scent. It amazed me how even the smell of his cologne was enough to set my mind at ease. "You know that nothing you tell me will be enough to make me leave, not even if you wanted me to. You're too important to me Beth."

I finally pulled away, my arms crossed in front of me, as I regained my composure. "Better?" he smiled, wiping away the tears still remaining.

I bit my trembling lip and nodded in response. He took my hand, walking me slowly towards his car. "Now what?"

I glanced around, checking my surroundings out of habit.

For once in my life, I wasn't going to follow what my mind told me to do. I wasn't going to listen to that voice in my head, the fear and insecurity leading me in everything I did. For once, I was going to listen to my heart.

I was going to make him understand. And I was going to start at the begining, leaving nothing out.

"Do you know the cemetery, next to the Victoria church?"