So I Need You

We sat in his car, parked at the foot of the drive. He didn't ask any questions, he just sat there, his eyes narrowed in thought.

I stared down at my hands, laying gently in my lap. I was seriously doubting myself. But he'd said nothing would send him off, nothing was enough to get him away from me and so I decided to trust him.

"Joe," I whispered into the eerie silence.

He looked over at me thoughtfully. "I'm ready when you are," he assured me.

I nodded, breathing deeply. "There's something I need to show you, and it's really hard for me. Nobody really knows about it, except for Amber and my family. I've never told anyone the whole story, but I feel like I owe it to you."

I was surprised to see that his expression remained warm, and not fearful like I'd expected. He just kept his eyes locked with mine, waiting on my next move.

I grabbed onto the door handle, letting myself out of the car and into the crisp air once again. "You lead," he smiled lightly, taking my hand in his. And I could've sworn that in that moment, his touch had sent a warmth straight to my heart.

I bit down on my lip, walking forward, his fingers entwined in mine still. We walked briskly,cutting across the lawn and straight towards the spot. I was growing more and more nervous with each passing second, my heart beating so loudly I was sure he could hear it.

I stopped abruptly as we reached the destination. The source to all my heartache. The place in which my loving brother lay.

And now the fear washed over me. The fear of letting him in, of allowing him to see all my damage. I breathed deeply, getting down at eye-level with the tombstone I visited so very often.

He followed suit, sitting down beside me. "Justin Mathew Jensen," he read aloud, looking over at me with expecting eyes. "Beth, what-"

"That's my brother," I cut in, "he was killed in a car wreck, last year."

His eyes widened, as his jaw fell slightly. "I'm so sorry," he breathed. His expression was nothing short of shock. "Beth, I can't even- I'm so, so sorry," he stammered helplessly.

"It's OK," I smiled weakly, hugging my knees to my chest. "I come here all the time. It's not so hard anymore, I feel...at peace."

He smiled sympathetically, nodding lightly.

I breathed deeply, "When I lost my brother, I lost myself," I started nervously. "There were days when I begged to be taken in his place, I felt so unworthy. I was a wreck, and everything was completely falling to pieces with him gone."

I shut my eyes tight, reminiscing on the painful memories. "My dad quit his job, and he drank himself into a stupor. He was so angry at the world, so spiteful. The more he drank, the angrier he was, the worse it all got. It seemed everything I did upset him, but I'd become so accustomed to the screaming, it was almost normal to me. But then it got so out of hand, and the screaming turned into hitting, his insults turned into bruises...it got so bad."

He took my hands in his, and I was surprised to learn he was shaking more than I was. "He hits you?" he asked dangerously low, his jaw tight, "your dad?"

I nodded, my head falling in shame. I felt embarrassed, like a vulnerable child in desperate need of help. "It's gotten so...bad," I whispered. My head shot up quickly, my eyes widened in fear, "Joe, you can't tell anyone! Oh no, no, no! You have to-"

"Beth," he said softly, pushing a strand of hair from my eyes, "I promise what happens here, stays here. It's safe with me, OK?"

I could almost feel my heart explode in my chest. His eyes could just bore into mine, mesmerizing me. I nodded gratefully, the words slowly finding their way back to me.

"My mom, she's so...clueless. She tries to convince herself that everything is going to go back to normal, but I know better. The first time my dad hit me, I knew I'd lost him too. I know she's scared, and I know the thought of losing her family is too hard to even think about, but sometimes I get so scared."

I knew from Joe's expression that he was fighting the urge to retaliate, to yell. "I don't know why I ever turned to drinking," I breathed shamefully, "I mean I guess I thought if I was numb enough, nothing would hurt. Not even losing Justin."

I shut my eyes tightly, unable to hold in my tears anymore. They rolled down my cheeks, staining my olive skin. "Amber was the only one there, through everything. See, she and Justin were more than friends, they were so in love. It sounds crazy, but Justin would refer to her as his fiance. If anyone took his death as hard as my family, it was Amber...she's the closest thing I have."

My sobs came out in quiet gasps, filling the silence that came over us. "I became a person that I never wanted to be. I knew I was hurting my best friend, I knew it was wrong...but I made the choice not to change. I didn't want to change. It was all so appealing to me, the drunken parties, the attention I got, especially from the guys. I thought they cared, I was like my mom...in denial. I tried to convince myself that through all those guys, I'd find one who cared for me. I don't know why I was so stupid. I guess they made me feel important and wanted...which ironically, was all that I wanted."

I felt so stripped down. But that wasn't even half of what scared me so much. It was the fact that, irregardless of how naked I felt, I was completely comfortable with it. The more in depth I got, the deeper I wanted to go. It hadn't become a question of whether or not I was ready anymore.

I'd never uttered the whole truth aloud. My words were as new to me, as they were to him, but more importantly: they were the whole-hearted truth.

"I never meant to get so out of control...but one thing lead to another. Before I knew it, I'd set a reputation for myself. People expected things from me, and I wasn't willing to disappoint them. I refused to sacrifice their attention, even if it mean hurting my best friend."

It was in that moment, as I spilled my heart to him, that I too learnt all the wrong I'd done. I had so many regrets to tell, and so many flaws still hidden.

"Beth," he spoke suddenly, "if it's too hard, you can stop."

I shook my head stubbornly, determined to finish what I'd started. "The truth is, it is hard Joe, but I don't want that to stop me anymore. I've always been scared, and never in my life would I have thought that I'd be sitting here, telling you this. Hell, I've never even admitted any of these things to myself."

I placed my hand delicately on the tombstone, keeping my eyes glued to the words engraved. "I don't have any excuse for the way I act, and I don't believe that anything I say can make up for what I've put myself and Amber through. She was the one through it all, who cared more about me than I did. Nobody else wanted to see me safe, nobody else did all they could to take care of me. I still appreciate everything she's done for me, and all the times she's saved me from situations that could have otherwise changed my life, forever."

"I don't want pity or remorse, because the more people pity me, the harder it is for me to grow away from this. I finally stopped feeling bad for myself, and I learned that I like myself better when I'm not wallowing. I mean, I still feel disgusted with myself. Especially after tonight, and how stupid I was. I can't believe I would put myself in that position, all because of yo-"

I stopped abruptly, I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. That was one thing I'd been planning to leave out, and that wasn't going to change now. In reality, it hadn't only been him. It was the overwhelming stress I was feeling. On one hand, it was his driving me absolutely insane, but on the other hand, it had been my father who had pushed me over the edge.

"What?" he asked, his voice slightly disbelieving.

"No, nothing, nothing," I muttered hopefully.

"Did you say, because of me?"

"No!" I exclaimed, turning around quickly to face him. "Look, the important thing is that, especially after tonight, I know that I'm done with all that. I've had my share of feeling used and mistreated. There's just so many things I hate in my life, that sometimes acting like I'm carefree is the closest thing I have to happiness. But recently, I've come to realize that, that's just another excuse. I'm tired of making excuses for myself, I want change Joe. I don't want to be this way anymore, I-I hate myself!"

And there it was : the truth of it all. I finally understood why I was always so angry, why I was hurting so much. I couldn't stand to be around the one person I hated, the one person I could never get away from. Because the truth of it was, that I could lie to everyone, but I could never lie to myself.

I held my face in my hands, violent sobs racking my body. I could barely breathe anymore, as the realization of where my life had ended up dawned on me. I had once been so friendly, and full of life. Now people liked me for the wrong reasons, but not Joe. And that was why I'd let down my guard, that was why I'd opened my heart to him.

He took me by the arms, helping me back on my feet. "No, no," he hushed in my ear, wrapping his arms protectively around my shoulders. "You don't hate yourself," he whispered, "you don't. If you hated yourself, you wouldn't want to change Beth, you wouldn't want to get better. But you do, and that's because you love yourself, and you want to be happy."

"No," I sobbed, "I do hate myself. Joe I'm so disgusting, I don't know why I even bothered to think anyone would actually care about me, I'm so so stupid! Ugh! Anybody would be stupid to even waste their time on me, I'm not worth it. There are so many more deserving people-"

"Hey, stop that," he demanded, "don't talk like that. You're worth every second I've ever spent worrying about you, which is a lot, I've got to say. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met Beth, and it kills me that you can't see it. You're worth so much more than you think."

I shook my head stubbornly, my face still dug in his chest.

"You're actions aren't what define you and I know you're sorry. I know you're ready to change, and that's what makes you so different, Beth. Do you know how many people would have given up after having to go through what you did? But not you. So don't let me hear you say that you're unworthy."

"I feel like I've let everyone down," I said shakily, into his chest, "Amber, my parents, but more than anything...my brother." My tears were falling freely now, as they soaked through his shirt. I held onto him tighter, scared that at any given moment he would let me go.

"I miss him so much," I sobbed, "and I know that he'd be angry. I know he trusted me to keep things together, but instead I let them get worse. I j-just wish he would've never gone. I'd still have my brother, I'd still have my Amber, the way she was before it all. I'd still have my mom, and m-my d-dad. I have no one."

"That's not true," he insisted, running his hand up and down my back. He kissed the top of my head lightly, but his effect on me was so immense. "You have me, you'll always have me."

I steadied my breath, slowly regaining my composure. "Come on, I'll take you home," he smiled, as my eyes fluttered to stay open.

The truth was, all this drama had made me so exhausted. I just needed sleep, but I wanted to stay with him, I wanted the feeling of his arms and the warmth of his words. That was all I ever needed, and I wasn't ready to let go yet.

"No," I argued, "I'm not tired."

He grinned, taking my hand in his, "We'll have plenty of time tomorrow Beth, but right now you need rest. Whatever we need to say can wait," he sighed deeply. I noticed a concerned expression cross his face, "They can wait for now."

I narrowed my eyes in confusion, was there something he needed to get off his chest too? And why did he look so reluctant. I shrugged, deciding that he was right, and whatever else there was to be said could wait until tomorrow.

"Oh, and Joe," I said lightly, as we climbed back into his car.

"Yeah?"

I smiled gratefully, "Thank you, for everything."