So I Need You

"Is she up yet?"

"She will be soon," a second voice sighed, "do you have the stuff?"

"Yeah, right here. Are you okay baby, you look like a- Beth!"

I smiled weakly, pain searing through my head. "Hey Jacob, Amber. You wouldn't happen to have a glass of water, would you?"

"Here," Jake smiled handing me a paper bag, "you've got your Tylenol, water bottle and coffee for later," he concluded, setting the cup down on my nightstand.

I smiled in appreciation, opening to bag, instantly reaching for the painkillers. "So-"

"You're so lucky I found you!" Amber hissed, her eyes red and swollen. "You are so damn lucky!"

"Amb-"

"What the hell were you thinking, can you fill me in, please!? Are you absolutely out of your mind Beth? I know you're still hurting, but what do you think whoring your body is going to do for you? It's definitely not going to take the pain of losing Jus-"

"Shut up!" I screamed, "just shut up please!"

"Y-you have to stop this!" she screamed, inching towards me. She grabbed my shoulders, shaking me violently. "You have to Beth, you're not going to go anywhere if you don't change!"

"I-I'm not whoring my body!" I argued, blinking back the tears brimming my eyes. I refused to cry, especially in plain view of my friends, crying was for the weak. "I haven't even had sex, I'm still a virgin!"

"Yeah, well you might as well have!" she spat, finally letting go and turning her back on me. "You're out of fucking control!"

"You know what!" I snapped, picking my clothes up off the floor and throwing them on briskly, "You should have left me at Aaron's yesterday, I would have been fine! I'm a big girl, and I can deal!"

"You were a drunken mess," she seethed, "you- you were slurring, and stumbling around! I only caught him before he got into your pants, you should be grateful! It's a different guy every weekend Beth, it's far beyond out of hand!"

"Exactly!" I screamed in return, "It's out of your hands! I'm not a little kid, you're barely older than me, I can take care of myself!"

"No you cannot! You've proven that to me now! I don't understand you, who are you? Why do you do this to yourself, to your body! You intoxicate yourself, you let them take advantage of you! I hate the person you've become Elizabeth! I would think that seeing what alcohol has done to your father would keep you far from it!"

"Are you saying I'm an alcoholic?" I demanded.

"You're pretty damn close!"

"I am not even-"

"Shut up!" Jake yelled, silencing the both of us. "Amber, baby, just go relax, you look like a wreck."

She looked back and forth between the two of us uncertainly, "Fine," she sighed in defeat.

"Who do you think you are?" Jake asked incredulously, once she closed the door behind her. "Do you even know how much she breaks her back to look after you, and you throw it all back in her face! Do you understand how much it kills her when you do this to yourself? Amber loves you, I love you, but she loves you like a sister. You're family to her, so why don't you start treating her with some respect, for everything she's done for you!"

"I'm not an obligation!" I screamed, "I don't need anyone!"

"You need Amber, just as much as she-"

"Nobody needs to look after me, I can do that myself!" I retorted, "Now move!"

I pushed him from the doorway, storming out of the room and out of the house in seconds. Nobody was going to tell me what to do, or act as if they actually cared! I was too smart to believe in that, I knew that in life, you were always on your own.

►►►►

The bus ride home was unusually short, as my mind was racing. Amber was right, so was Jacob, but I was stubborn as a mule. I'd never admit to anyone but Justin how embarrassed I was of who I'd become.

Before my life started falling apart, I felt like things were perfectly imperfect...now everything was just, fucked up. I hated to face that reality, that things were no longer sane in my life, but it was the truth. I'd lost my brother, I'd lost my parents, I'd lost myself, and I was slowly but surely pushing my best friend away.

I looked up at the house I grew up in, memories taunting me as I walked down the path towards the front door. I never understood why we hadn't moved. Isn't that what most people did after tragedies, pick up and leave? Maybe I'd still have my dad if any of us had enough sense to realize that staying in the home Justin lived in all his twenty years of life would only make the situation all the more brutal.

"I'm home," I called out to the empty house. The silence was almost worst than the usual cussing and screaming usually going on, especially with this throbbing pain in my head. "Mom?" No answer. I couldn't say I wasn't disappointed, my parents being home meant nothing more than fighting.

I made my way up to my bedroom, hoping to sleep my hangover off before having to deal with anything this particular day was going to throw my way.

"Oh, warm beautiful bed," I groaned, throwing myself down into my flannel blankets. I shut my eyes, taking in the quiet, the smell of fabric softener still lingering in my bedsheets, and appreciating that single moment of peace I rarely ever had.

I tossed and turned, unable to shut down my mind. That was what I hated so much! I could shut down my emotions, but never could I control my thoughts. I felt guilt course through my body as the realization of how I'd treated my friends dawned on me. Something on the way from my brain to my mouth had gone terribly wrong, it seemed.

I could never find the right words to say, never mind act accordingly. I only regretted the things I did once it was far too late to undo them, but that's the whole point of a regret isn't it? To be stuck with the guilty conscience for the rest of your life. Too bad regrets had no effect on me...