So I Need You

My body hadn't stopped it's violent shaking as he pulled over, the sound of blaring music greeting out ears. I could barely recognize my surroundings, I was far too blinded by fear. I'd almost murdered my father. I couldn't grasp the reality that I was drowning in.

"Come on," he breathed seductively, his hand resting firmly on my thigh. "We'll have a good time baby, I'll show you what you've been missing."

Cringing from his touch, I let myself of the car. In a moment, he'd come around and wrapped his arm around my waist. "Like old times," he whispered, "I can make you forget."

I nodded, seeming to have forgotten my better judgment. It hurt too much to try and think through. In my eyes, there were no alternatives. This was the only way I knew how to deal. I swore not to get out of hand, I was just so tempted to numb the pain. To make it stop, if only for a moment.

My heart was nearly breaking as I thought of how much I was letting Joe down. Yet the guilt wasn't enough to stop my feet carrying me towards the house. No matter how wrong I knew it was.

He pushed the door open, the familiar smell of cigarettes and boos filled my nostrils. I was back at step one, the one place I never wanted to be, I had promised never to turn back. Yet here I stood, all the hurt devouring me.

I was weak.

The one thing I'd feared the most had become my reality: I couldn't make it on my own.

Being in love with Joe was bittersweet.

We pushed through a mob of people, making our way towards the kitchen. "I'll get us a drink," he assured me, stepping out of sight.

I watched those surround me, envying their carelessness. They had no worries, no guilt or remorse to harbor. They were free of the trappings of love and tragedy, I was strapped down.

I wasn't complaining, because God Joe was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. It wasn't him I felt trapped by, it was the despair, like he was almost too amazing. So much that without him, I was empty.

I was nothing.

Nothing but the cold and brutal emptiness of having to live without the one person who was holding up your entire world. I needed him, no one else could save me.

"Hey," he grinned deviously, pushing the plastic cup into my hand, "bottoms up."

I stared at the cup reluctantly. I knew it'd make me feel better momentarily, but could I run this way forever? Soon enough it was bound to catch up with me. My body yearned for the numbing consolation, the be rid of all this heartache. "I know you're hurting," he coaxed, "it'll make you feel so good."

I shut my eyes tightly, bringing the rim of the cup to my lips. It took me a moment to tilt my head back and drink down the intoxicating liquid, but only a second to regret it. "That's my girl," he smirked.

I was disgusted with myself, utterly repulsed.

"I'm not your girl!" I spat, the shock of the night's events now completely taking their toll on me.

He smiled lazily, "Calm down baby, it'll all be OK. Trust me, you won't feel a thing."

I took in his arrogant features, the feeling of disbelief creeping over me as I realized exactly what I was doing. I was risking everything I had with Joe, and all for Aaron? I was risking losing his trust, which was something I'd never compromise.

"Stop!" I protested, "I'm not yours, I'm not doing this. I've changed-"

"What happened to you Beth? You used to be the life of it all, you know? Everyone knew your name, but your nothing now. You're a nobody. All for rock star, huh? Pathetic, but you always have been easy."

I shoved him angrily, "You don't know anything about me," I seethed.

"I know you'll never amount to anything but the slut that you are. Does he excite you Beth, is that it? Does he make you feel more important? Don't think for a second that what he tells you makes a difference, you'll always be a whore. You can't keep away, and nothing pretty boy says or does will change that."

I made to pounce on him again, but in that moment my body gave out. A sudden weakness had washed over me, "What's happening?" I asked, confused as my mind became fogged. I was drowsy and exhausted.

The room seemed to be spinning around me, everything but my own arms and hands were a complete blur. It was one of those moments when I was sure I was having a dream, or maybe some kind of nightmare. The music was still roaring loudly against my ear drums, each note seemed to drag longer and louder than it should have.

I was sure I'd only had one drink, but my body was reacting otherwise. Of all the times I'd tormented and intoxicated my body, this was the worst. I felt out of touch, almost like being outside of my own body.

Sweat dampened my neck and face, as my throat felt like it was closing again. Was this a hallucination? Was I recalling my encounter with my father, causing my body to react in a violent way.

I was having convulsions, nausea washing over me. The familiar numbness was doing it's work, but I didn't like it. I didn't like the feeling in the slightest. My arms and legs felt too heavy to move, yet my lungs longed for fresh air.

Aaron looked completely at ease as he watched me, my whole world spinning before my eyes. I had no idea what to do or think or say, I could barely find the energy to breathe. My heartbeat was loud and slow, blood seemed to be pounding in my ears.

I felt around, trying desperately to keep myself up as my legs grew terribly weak beneath me. I couldn't breathe, or was I imagining that too? Nothing was real, or it felt that way. I couldn't tell.

I grasped around, the only surface I could find was the wall behind me. I steadied myself against it, trying to find my balance. "W-what's, what is this?" I asked breathlessly.

He didn't respond, instead he wrapped his arms around my body, carrying me away casually. "W-what?" I managed once again, "Aaron I-I c-can't breathe-" I gasped.

"You won't feel a thing," he repeated, the sound completely morphed as it reached me ears. "I know you pretend you've changed Beth, but I was there before that pretty boy. I know what you went through and I can take it away. Is that understood?"

He sounded deranged, which only caused me to shake more violently. My eyes were fluttering shut as he continued to carry me across the room, I felt like I was gliding. "S-stop," I managed to stammer, this scene being a vivid reminder of prior events. Another time when Aaron had taken advantage of my weak demeanor.

"God Beth, your heavy. I'd never guess, with a body like that," he snickered as he tried relentlessly to carry me up the stairs.

"Beth?" another voice shrieked, terrified.

It was familiar, I knew that voice, but my mind wouldn't register it's owner. "Let her go! What are you doing, you jerk!"

"Get the hell away from me Emily," he spat bitterly.

I felt a struggle as she tried with great effort to pry his hands off. "Leave her alone, what did you do to her? Beth, can you hear me? It's Emmy, answer me-" she cried dramatically, smack my face from side to side.

My body was yanked forward again, as Aaron's taut arms still held my body against his. "I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate you being here," he sneered.

"Let her go!" she screamed, her voice more angry and determined than I'd ever heard it. "She's not well! I swear it, if anything happens to her, I will kill you personally. Do you understand me?"

He scoffed, my body still being pulled from either side. "Yeah, you and pretty boy are a big threat."

"I'm I'm not mistaken," she continued dangerously, "pretty boy is the one who broke your nose. I can arrange for that to take place again, you know?"

There was a moment in which all was silent, and then my body was released from his arms, my head slamming against the hardwood staircase. "She's worthless anyway," he sneered in disgust.

"Beth, are you OK? Oh God, Joe's going to kill me if anything happens. You look t-terrible, Beth. Somebody, call an ambulance, please! What did you do to yourself Beth, why did you do this? I knew I shouldn't have told you about it, I knew how you'd been feeling lately. This is all my fault, I'm so sorry, please just bear with me- Help! Somebody, please," she cried desperately.

I felt her hand slide into my pocket, and she pulled out my cellphone. Her hands seemed to be shaking as she withdrawled the device from my pocket, "H-hello," she said shakily, "I need an ambulance!"

"I-I don't know the address," she shrieked. I heard her feet shuffling as she ran around, looking for help.

I lay still on the floor, too weak and helpless to make any effort. I didn't know what was happening to my body, but there was only one clear thought in my mind : I'd let Joe down. None of this pain, none of this drowsiness and confusion mattered, because if I died, I'd have died letting Joe down.

And if I lived, I'd have to live knowing I betrayed him. The latter was unbearable.

"Help is coming Beth, just hold on OK," she said, trying to stay calm, but the panic was evident in her tone.

But I couldn't hold on, I was slipping. I didn't know if this was what death felt like, but it was much less painful than I'd imagined. I was weak, I was delirious, but it was painless. The only pain I felt was that of the emotional damage I'd caused.

I wanted to forget, but now it seemed as though I would be forgotten.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I couldn't for the life of me reach for it. My head fell limply to the side, as I was enveloped in darkness. The noise stopped. Everything stopped.