So I Need You

I grabbed my notebook from my locker, stowing it hastily into my book bag. "English first period," I muttered to myself, glancing at my schedule, "ew, Math se-"

"Hey Beth!"

"Oh, hey Emmy," I smiled, greeting the girl who was suddenly standing before me.

She beamed, playing with a lock of her curly brown hair. "So, Beth, I was hoping you'd come to my party this Friday," she began happily, "see my boyfriend from New Jersey is moving out here with his family, and so it's kind of a big deal. I'm not necessarily throwing him a party, but it just so happens my parents happen to be out of the house on the same weekend of their arrival. I thought it would be fun, for him to get to know people and well, I know you don't really need an excuse to party! So, what do you say, you up for it?"

"You know I never turn down an invite Emily," I replied with some cockiness, all in good fun of course.

"Well, it is going to be a junior party," she went on nervously, "but there will be tons of seniors! My boyfriend has two older brothers."

I laughed, "Chill Em, I really don't mind. You know that I'm up for anything, always."

She sighed in relief, "Good, I really want you to be there."

"I will," I smiled, as the bell sounded. "I've go to head to class, I'll catch up with you later."

►►►►

I checked my cellphone as I walked to the cafeteria, hoping to God I had a message from Amber, but I was out of luck. She wasn't in school, and I hadn't spoken to her in a few days, which was extremely unusual for us. It wasn't that I didn't have other friends or acquaintances to turn to, I just preferred Amber's presence. She was the only person I could be my complete and total self with, even under all those circumstances.

I laid my tray down on any random table, and plopped myself down in an empty chair. Today just wasn't my day. My hand was burning from last night's injury, my body was sore and I felt like a complete and total wreck inside. It seemed nothing was going to light up my day, and Amber's absence only made matters worse.

I was worried, wondering if she was still angry with me. Why hadn't she come in? Could it really be that I upset her that much, or was it maybe because she was seriously ill? I decided that I wasn't hungry, and I definitely wasn't in the mood to converse, so I picked up my things and walked out of the school, I'd had enough of it for one day.

►►►►

"Hey," I spoke softly into the phone's receiver, "it's me. I don't know if you're home, but I don't care, I'm coming over. We need to talk, OK? I love you Am."

I shut the phone, leaning my head against the window of the bus. I watched the houses outside fly passed, growing more and more nervous with every passing second. What if Amber was serious this time? What if she was done being my friend? I had nobody else in the world.

It felt like only seconds had gone by before I was standing at her front door, my stomach churning. It was so easy for me to let her down, but come time to make up for it, I was a hopeless case. I guess that I'd never really realized how much my actions hurt her. I mean, maybe it was easiest to hurt because she was the only one I could have that type of effect on. And I knew in my heart, that no matter what, she'd always love me for me.

I opened the door quickly, letting myself in, and heading to her room automatically. I walked in without any notice, and there she was, sitting in the middle of the floor, her eyes bloodshot from crying.

"Beth!" she screamed, putting her hand over her heart. "You nearly killed me!"

"I'm sorry," I whispered shakily, "I'm sorry for everything Am. For a-almost giving you a heart attack, for being so hard to deal with, for c-constantly being a burden to you. You didn't have to skip school though, I would have given you your space."

She narrowed her eyes at me, clearly still very angry. "My life doesn't revolve around you!" she yelled, "I didn't miss school for you Beth, really I mean you're not the main focus of everything in life! God, I can't believe how self-absorbed you've become within this past year! I felt like crap this morning, is that OK, or should I have checked with you first? Since it seems that everything I do is according to your stupidity, and reckless behavior!"

"I-I just came over here to apologize!" I snapped, "You don't have to be such a damn bitch about it, you know? I'm sorry, do you hear me, I'm sorry! I'm sorry that you don't like me anymore, and that I've been a hassle to be friends with-"

"See, there you go again, always ab-"

"What do you want from me?" I cried, "I-I'm trying to explain to you that I am sincerely-"

"No, you're not," she argued. "You're not sorry, you want to know why? Because every damn time you tell me you're sorry, you wind up doing it again! I'm sorry Beth, I'm sorry in advance for all the times I'm not going to be there to save your ass! I'm sorry, but I refuse to babysit you anymore, and I just hope to God that you at least try to take care of yourself."

I nodded, my vision blurred with tears. "I-I guess I understand what you're saying. I'll leave you alone-"

"Oh God Beth, please, save me the drama. You know that I love you, and that I'll always do my best to look out for you, but I'm done with letting you take advantage of that. I know you think I'm always going to be able to get you out of those situations, but the truth is I won't and that's what scares me so damn much! I know that somewhere inside of that twisted head of yours, there's the old Beth. My best friend who is mature, and who would never let this happen to herself. I get it Beth, I get that it changed you, but you have to know that Justin never would have wanted this. I know that wherever he is right now, he's dying to yell at you!"

I laughed through all the tears, as her voice changed from angry to caring, the way it always did when she spoke about the love of her life. I could tell how much it hurt her to be talking about him, knowing she'd never have the chance to see him again.

"And I know he'd help you if he were here, but he can't, so I'm doing it for him. I've been looking after you Beth, because I love you, and because I love him, that will never change."

She wrapped her arms around me, holding me in a tight hug. "Thanks Am," I whispered, guilt washing over me. "I'm trying to change, I know this isn't right."

She nodded, her face pressed against my hair. "I love you Beth," she mumbled, "I know you do it to yourself, because you think you'll find someone to love you that way, but you have me. The rest will come in time."

A single unnoticed tear rolled down my cheek. I wished I could promise her I was done and mean it and most of all, I wished that she was enough. But I couldn't deny the truth, she wasn't. I appreciated her love and friendship, but I wasn't whole, and I wanted more than anything to be whole again.