Why'd You Want to Go and Make Me Feel This Way?

"Alright, everyone has a pass?" The radio coordinator looked around at all of us as I meekly raised my hand.

"I didn't get one..."

"Here, have mine so they don't say anything." Michael unclipped his from his belt loop. "I'm obviously in the band so they won't give her shit about standing on the sides."

"Problem solved!" Adam clapped his hands together as he led us down the hallway to the room the boys would be playing in. The closer we got, the louder the yelling and screaming became. "You ready?" Adam turned to me and asked.

"Ready for what?"

"To be deaf for a few hours. Here's some earplugs if you want them." I thanked him and stuck them into my pockets just in case I needed them.

I watched as the guys waved and walked over to their stools and Ashton took a seat on his box. One of the radio employees brought over a stool for me to sit on, I told them it was unnecessary, but they insisted. I sat and watched the guys perfectly go through 3 of their songs. They started out with "She Looks So Perfect," followed by "Amnesia," then "Don't Stop." Then the radio host stopped them before they moved onto the next song and asked them questions. About their tour, when new music could be expected from them, and about the writing process. Ashton and Luke talked the most, while Michael just tried bothering them while they were trying to answer.

"We've actually brought a new song with us tonight if that's alright with you guys. But you have to wait until the end for it." Calum said before they started with their next song. I gazed as the 4 of them perfectly sang "Long Way Home." I had left my purse in the room with the guys belongings, but brought my phone with me. I snapped a picture and posted it to Instagram, it immediately started getting likes and comments.

"Rose, come on." I looked up and Michael was standing in front of me.

"What?"

"You're singing with us."

"No, I'm not! I came along to watch, this is your gig." I held myself to the stool so he couldn't pull me up.

"Yeah, and we want you to sing with us. We already talked about it, you're helping out with 'Voodoo Doll.'"

"No! They don't want me to sing." Michael gave up and walked back to his microphone.

"Do you guys want miss Rosie to help out with this next song?"

The crowd all yelled for me, so I groaned and brought my stool over to between Michael and Luke.

"I don't even have a- Thanks." I was interrupted by a radio employee placing a microphone in my hand. "This isn't my usual pink microphone so I can't guarantee that this is going to be any good, I'm sorry." I spoke into the mic, my nerves were unsettled in my stomach.

"So we asked The Sundaes to come on tour with us a couple of months ago, and they've received nothing but positive feedback since they've joined us. This is Rosie and she's the lead singer for them. They're opening up tomorrow so if you're coming to the show in town, I better see all of you in the crowd to see them." Ashton spoke. "We've got two more songs after this. While we get them in tune let's go ahead and get some questions from you guys in the audience."

A microphone was handed to a blonde girl in the front row. She was dressed in a plaid shirt and skinny jeans, and had a question for Luke. I leaned into Michael while Luke was answering.

"You could have warned me." I whisper yelled.

"You wouldn't have agreed!"

"I wouldn't have come. They probably hate me."

"Are you deaf? They wanted you to sing with them." We were bickering back and forth when I got poked by Luke.

"What?" I sat up straight and looked at him and noticed there was a girl standing in the crowd with brown hair.

"She has a question for you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry! I was asking why no one warned me I was going to be singing." I blushed, "What's your question?"

"Are you and Michael dating? There's been rumors and so many pictures and you guys would be so cute together. He kept looking over at you during all the songs and-"

"We're not dating, unfortunately." Michael answered for me, knowing I couldn't answer. My face felt like it was bloodshot because I was so embarrassed.

"So what about you and Sawyer?" The same girl asked almost as soon as Michael finished his sentence.

"No, we're not dating either. I'm as single as a Pringle." I let out a nervous laugh as the microphone got passed around the crowd. Whispers were getting louder and I was getting more nervous. I looked over at Michael and he nodded and looked at the rest of the boys, signaling that we needed to hurry up with the song. I moved out of the way once I sang with them, then watched one more song before walking out to the empty hallway. I was starting to feel overwhelmed in the small room with so many fans. I felt my chest getting heavier, and my lungs constricting as I tried to gain composure. I leaned against the wall and sank down to the ground, counting my breaths.

"Calm down." I said to myself out loud, but it wasn't helping. I hadn't had an anxiety attack that felt like this in years. My ears were ringing. I knew what was coming and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it unless I did something quick. I pulled my phone out and called Sawyer.

He answered after three rings, "Hey, what's up?"

"Hey." I said out of breath, running out of breath. "I really... need help."

"Fuck. Where's Michael?"

"Performing." Was all I could choke out. My vision was starting to blur.

"Sit down, Rosie. Count your breaths, okay? Are you doing that?"

"Yeah. There's just so many people in here, it feels like there's no air." I took a few more deep breaths.

"There's plenty of air in there, they wouldn't allow extra people in there if it wasn't safe, babe. You're going to be okay. When I count, you're going to take deep breaths, okay?" I nodded but forgot he couldn't see me, "You with me?"

"Yeah I am."

"Okay. One..." I took a few seconds to inhale air, then let it out slowly. "Two..." I repeated, but it didn't feel like it was helping so I started panicking and my breathing increased. "Rosie, I can hear you. Slow down. Three..." Another deep breath. "That's it. Four..." I took another breath. "Five..." My vision was starting to clear and the foggy sound in my ears was disappearing. "Come on, five more and you're in the clear. Six..." I continued until Sawyer counted me up to ten. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah, yeah. I am. Thanks. Sorry to bother you." I apologized, knowing he was missing out on a game.

"You're more important than a video game. It's not a problem, I promise. Just get up and walk to the dressing room with me on the line so I know you're okay. Stand up slow." I supported myself on the wall as I slowly stood up, I could hear the guys finishing up their set. Sawyer had talked me through many panic/anxiety attacks in the past. He knew if I didn't remain calm, I could easily rebound into another. All of the words he was saying to me were like a script, but it worked every time. His voice calmed me down.

"Okay I'm in here and I'm sitting down. And I've got water." I sat down on the couch and laid my head against the back of it. "Thanks, again. I'll let you know when we're headed back."

"Okay Rosie, bug." I chuckled at the nickname and hung up the phone. A few seconds later, the boys came bursting through the door.

"What happened? Where'd you go?!" Luke was the first through the door and was questioning me.

"I just had to get out of that room for a minute." I said as the rest of them walked through the door.

"You okay?" Michael sat down beside me and looked me in the eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Michael." I knew I was being short with him, but I really didn't want to elaborate, just now overcoming the attack. His eyebrows fell and he looked hurt. "You guys did great!" I said, changing the subject. They all thanked me and continued talking among themselves. Michael didn't say anymore to me, and moved seats to beside Calum. Ashton watched the exchange of seats and waited a few minutes before he moved to sit beside me.

"Hey. I saw you through the glass door during the set. You sure you're fine?"

"Yeah. I had a really bad anxiety attack. I had to call Sawyer to get him to calm me down. I'm fine now."

Ashton put his hand on my knee and patted it, "Okay, I'm glad. We're all going out for a movie, feel like going? They have the theater empty for us."

"Yeah, that sounds nice."

"You sure you're up for going? We can get a car back to the bus for you if you don't want to. Don't feel obligated."

"I'll be fine, Ash. Thanks." I smiled at him and he gave me a side hug.

"Just looking out for you." I pulled my phone out to text Sawyer about going to a movie, I guess Michael and I's "movie date" was turning into just a group hang out.

Hey, just a heads up I won't be back for a while. Going with them to see a movie. Feeling 500x better. Thanks, bug.
If you need me to come get you, I can be there in a few minutes. Be safe.

His reply was almost instant and it made me smile. Despite him being slightly clingy and kind of a dick, it meant a lot to me that Sawyer was really just looking out for my best interest and didn't want me to get hurt by Michael. He was just being wary.

"You ready?" Ashton's hand was extended to me and he helped me up off the couch. I watched as Luke, Calum, Ashton and then finally Michael headed out the door. I grabbed Michael's arm and held him back.

"Hey, I'm sorry for snapping at you."

"It's fine." Michael waved me off and picked his speed up to catch up with everyone else, leaving me to walk by myself.

I took a deep breath and kept my chin up as we loaded into the vehicle that had brought us to the radio station. Michael took the seat closest to the window on the back row and I joined him on the same row. I scooted close to him and he looked down at my leg before looking back out the window. I lightly elbowed him and he moved even further away from me.

"Michael." I whispered, and he ignored me. "Michael." I poked his side.

"What?" He snapped his head and looked at me, causing everyone else in the car to turn around and look at the two of us. They quickly turned back around and started a conversation.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"And I told you, it's fine." He spoke to the window.

"Look at me."

"What?" He snapped again, only not so loud as before. His face was cold and emotionless.

"I had a fucking panic attack, okay?"

"What?"

"Is that all you can say?" I laughed out, "Michael, I had a fucking panic or anxiety attack or whatever you want to call it because I couldn't breathe in that tiny room with all of those people looking at me talking about me. I was about to black out completely. And if I get upset again too quickly I'm going to have another one."

"The only thing they were talking about was how amazing you sounded with us, Rosie. They weren't talking bad about you." Michael shook his head at me.

"Yeah they were. That girl who asked about us--"

"Fuck what other people think about us. We aren't even anything." His words hurt.

"Yeah, you're right." I shut my mouth and looked forward at the moving road.

"You're okay now?" His body language loosened up.

"I'm fine." I said as I pulled my phone back out and checked Twitter to pass the time until we got to the movie theater.

Michael's hand slowly crept onto my knee and rested there. I acted like I was staring at my phone, but really I was staring at the shapes his fingers were drawing on my knee. What did he mean by "We aren't even anything"? Was he no longer interested in me? I know I hurt his feelings but now he had hurt mine. And did my one time of being short with him upset him that much? I shouldn't have to apologize for my anxiety. Suddenly I was annoyed with his touch, so I crossed my leg to get him to drop his hand. He didn't react much, except trying to put his hand back on my leg, except higher up. I pushed his hand off.

I was looking straight forward but I could see out of the corner of my eye he was staring at the side of my face, trying to get a reaction out of me. The car stopped behind the theater and we all got out, and were allowed to enter through the theater's emergency exit. I was guessing they had the main entrance to the theater locked so no one else could get in. We picked the row in the dead center of the theater. Calum, Luke, Ashton, Michael, then I followed as we took our seats. A theater employee came around and asked if any of us wanted anything to eat or drink. I asked for a Coke, the boys asked for popcorn and nachos.

"When's the movie starting?" I asked Michael, but he looked straight forward and ignored my question, just shrugging like he didn't care. I looked at him for a few seconds before speaking, "I'm going to the bathroom." I started to feel the heaviness returning to my chest as four sets of eyes followed me walking in front of them. I made it to the aisle of the theater before I had to collapse down against the wall on the floor. I started taking deep breaths again, but they weren't helping.

"Hey, hey, hey." I heard Ashton's voice as he started running to me. "Hey, Rosie. Calm down."

"I can't." I started crying, feeling the constriction of my lungs starting again. "Ash-"

"Come on, take some deep breaths with me, babe. Breathe with me." I looked up at him through my teary eyes and tried to focus on his slow breaths. I took one deep breath before I let out another quiet sob. "Rosie, you're going to be okay. Breathe again. Do you want me to call Sawyer?"

I shook my head and took another deep breath. "I can do this." I rasped out. Ashton started rubbing my shoulder to calm me down.

"That's it, Rosie. Good girl." I kept taking deep breaths, and started to feel my breathing return to normal. I wasn't sure how long we had been sitting on the floor but the theater employee had come back with our orders. He glanced at us before walking past us to everyone else. "You sure you're going to be okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded before wiping my eyes. "I'm going to run to the bathroom before the movie starts." I started to stand up but Ashton stopped me, stood up, then helped me up. I gave him a hug and he squeezed back. "Thanks."

"It's no problem. My little sister used to have attacks too." He waved it off like it was no big deal and returned back to his seat. I waved at the guard who was standing outside of our door so he would take notice of who I was for when I returned back to the room. I splashed my face with cold water once I got to the sinks and wiped my face to calm myself down. I was angry that Michael hadn't even come to check on me taking so long. I took a deep breath before walking out of the bathroom. When I returned, they were all talking and laughing, I was hoping Ashton hadn't told them what had happened. He watched me with every step I took until I got to my seat beside Michael, who didn't even look at me when I sat down beside him.

I took a sip of my drink as the lights dimmed down and kicked my feet up on the chair in front of me. The movie started after a few previews, and Michael still hadn't even acknowledged my presence beside him.

I started chewing on my bottom lip, trying not to cry. I felt like I wasn't wanted at all. I stared at the movie without even paying attention and started to blink back tears. I readjusted in my seat, which finally caused Michael to look at me.

"Why are you crying?" He leaned in and asked me. I shrugged and kept looking forward. "Rosie, look at me."

"No." I refused to look at him, a few tears streaming down my face.

"What did I do now?" He groaned out. Calum "shhhh!'d" us from a few seats down.

"Maybe you were being a complete fucking jerk to me. I don't know." I laughed out of anger.

"What?" There was the snapping again.

"Nothing." I quickly said back to him.

"Rosie, come out here with me." He stood up and offered me his hand. To avoid making anymore of a scene, I took his hand and followed him back to the same hallway.

"You're being an asshole to me, do you not even realize that? You haven't looked at me since I sat down. And when you did, you looked like you couldn't give two shits about me. I feel like I shouldn't be here at all. I had another panic attack and Ashton had to calm me down."

"What?" His words were almost quiet. "Why didn't you get me? When did this happen? Are you okay?" His arms reached out for me but I stepped back. "Rosie."

"Because you weren't there, Michael! Besides, I'm not anything to you, like you said."

"Fuck, I didn't mean it like that." He ran a hand through his messy hair as distress was clearly shown on his face. "I just meant we weren't anything official. I haven't taken you out on a proper date, I wanted to get to know you better. What we've done together happened too fast and in the moment. I know I like you but I just wanted to get to know you better before anything more happens with us. I don't want to get your hopes up or get my hopes up, and then we get closer and realize we aren't compatible. I wanted to distance myself from you a little bit."

"Well if by distance you mean ignore me? Then yeah, great job buddy." I patted him on the arm.

"It just upset me that you told Ashton so quickly about your panic attack. You two aren't even that close. I thought we were closer, you could have told me."

"Yeah, I should have, but I didn't want you poking and prodding and sending me into another attack."

"I would have let you be." Michael's voice had become soft and calm as the conversation went on, "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"And I'm sorry if dragging you into singing with us tonight is what set you off. We should have warned you. We actually asked Sawyer and Seth if you'd be into it and they both said you'd be fine."

"Yeah. It's okay. I've gotta get over my fears eventually." We stood silently in the side hall as the movie continued playing for a few seconds. "I guess we should go back?" I motioned and turned around and started walking, but Michael grabbed my hand and pulled me into him.

"Hey." He said through a giggle.

"Hey." I said back, feeling his arms slink around my waist and pull me closer to his body.

"I'm sorry." He squeezed me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. I squeezed back and nodded, accepting his apology and we walked back to our seats. Ashton leaned in and asked Michael something, and he just nodded and leaned back in his chair. Michael moved the arm rest between us up and draped his arm around me, and I leaned my body into his side. I felt Michael sigh and prop his head on top of mine.

---

"So we already met you, Rosie, last night at 5 Seconds of Summer acoustic set!" The radio announcer, Dan, spoke to me.

"Yeah, yeah. They're a fun set of guys!"

"And where were the rest of you?" He asked and pointed at my bandmates.

"Playing video games until the wee hours of the night." Sawyer leaned into the radio mic.

"You mean, losing to video games." Jackson spoke up.

"You're not into gaming? How do you put up with these boys?" Dan asked me.

"Well. I barely do. But I love them enough that I'd probably put up with anything they threw in my direction." I shifted in my seat, getting uncomfortable at all of the questions aimed at me.

"We've seen a lot of rumors about you and Michael getting a little close, yeah? What can you tell us about that?" I tried not to shoot a glare at Dan, but I'm not sure that I succeeded in hiding my annoyance.

"I can tell you that we're friends. I'm friends with all of the guys in 5SOS. Michael and I enjoy each other's company, just like I enjoy Ashton's company, and Luke, and Calum." I shrugged. "Everyone is just seeing me more with Michael because that's who they're choosing to see me with."

"But you're not with anybody?"

"Nope." I sat back in my chair and leaned away from the Mic. I looked back to Ben who was telling Dan to cut it out with the questions directed at me. I silently thanked him and he moved on to ask questions to the boys. We answered a few more questions, played a song, then said our goodbyes. Once we made it to the car, I let out a groan.

"Why can't I be left alone?!" I checked my phone to see I had 3 texts from Michael.

you sound cute. :)
now you sound annoyed. :(
oh, you sound cute again. Good job. :)

I smiled as I typed back a reply.

you're up early! Thanks. I was pissed that they couldn't ask ME one question about our music. Being a girl sucks sometimes.
I'm sorry :( I'm actually still laying in my bunk. it's so warm and comfortable.
I'm jealous.
There's room in here for you!!
I think Ben's a little too annoyed to push his buttons today, hah.
fuck what he thinks. I want to cuddle you.
Mikeyyyyyyy.
I'm lonely.
I can tell. I'll be back in about 20 minutes.
I'll be asleep by then! They said we're driving for an hour tonight and then checking into a hotel.
oh? you share a room.
and you don't, because you're a girl. I share with Ashton. He won't say anything if I'm gone all night."
yeah, well... we'll see. I thought you wanted distance?
I want to get to know you first is all I said.
okay.

I don't know why all I said back to him was "okay." What was I thinking? He read the text but didn't reply, or he fell back asleep. I was hoping he just fell back asleep and I didn't upset him again. I sighed as I looked out of the window, watching the city pass us by.

By the time we finished up our interview and made it back to the venue, it was past lunch. I was starving, so Sawyer and I walked to the cafeteria room and grabbed some food. As we were sitting down at a table, Michael and Luke walked in. Both boys looked like they had just woken up and thrown on clothes. Michael wore sweatpants, a hoodie and a wrinkly t-shirt and Luke was dressed similarly. I watched as they picked up a plate from catering, then nodded over at us and walked over to sit with us. Michael sat beside Sawyer and Luke beside me.

"Look what the cat dragged in." I said and received groans in reply.

"Someone was snoring all night long." Luke looked up at Michael as he took a bite of food.

"Yeah, that Ashton is quite a snorer." Michael spoke.

"I was talking about you, shit head." Luke seemed groggy.

Sawyer and I watched them bicker and we shrugged, not knowing what to say.

"How was the movie last night?" Sawyer tried to change the subject.

"Oh, it was good." I answered quickly.

"Yeah, the parts you watched of it." Luke joked and I knew Sawyer was going to assume the worst.

"What?" He raised an eyebrow and looked between Michael and I.

"Nothing." Michael answered and started giggling between bites of food.

"I'll tell you later." I waved it off.

"No, come on." Sawyer stood up and motioned for me to follow him.

"No, I'm sitting with them."

"We have sound check in 7 minutes. We have to leave now anyway."

"Fuck." I muttered under my breath, "I'll see you guys later." I stood up, clearing my plate and throwing my trash away. "Michael and I weren't quite agreeing last night."

"What did I warn you about?"

"Yeah, I know. But it's okay now. He was just a little moody last night."

"Okay, well. Be careful."

"I am." We walked silently to the entrance of the arena. None of the rest of the band was here yet, I'm sure they were all still sleeping. "Adam seemed to be okay with us."

"Really? You'd think they'd be under strict rules."

"Yeah, you'd think. Michael had his arm around me in the van last night and he didn't say anything. It was really weird. Do you think Ben's mind would change?"

Sawyer scoffed as he slung his guitar around his shoulders, "I doubt it. Maybe he'd be better if you spoke to him about it instead of just... Sneaking around him like you're doing now."

"Yeah. Maybe." I said as I grabbed my mic and adjusted the stand to my height out of nervousness. The rest of the band joined us in the arena and took their places as we started sound check.