Tomorrow Holds Such Better Days

Alex sat silently on his bed, writing in his notebook when the door of his room opened. He didn’t even lift up his eyes, thinking that it was only a nurse.

“Uhm… hi.” A voice that was way too young to be a nurse said hesitantly.

Alex lifted his eyes from his notebook to see a boy around his age, standing in the doorway with a couple of bags. “Hello.” Alex mumbled softly, his voice only above a whisper.

“I’m Rian. The nurses said I’d be rooming with you.” The boy said, sitting on the other bed in the room.

“Alex.” The blonde whispered almost too quietly for Rian to hear.

“Nice to meet you.” The smaller boy said.

Alex didn’t reply, just went back to looking at his notebook, trying to avoid any contact with the other boy. Rian sighed before going out of the room. It was obvious that Alex wouldn’t talk to him no matter how much he tried.

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A little later during the day, Alex was convinced by a nurse to get out of his room, he would never get better if he didn’t try. It didn’t change much whether he stayed in his room or not, in the 4 months and a half that he had been there, he hadn’t talked to anyone except for the nurses and the therapist. It took almost a complete month for his to even say a word. There was only one other kid he had talked to before. His name was Zack and he had been there before Alex. Both boys were sharing a room and Alex would sometimes talk to him. It was not much nor often but, at least, he would talk. 2 weeks ago though, Zack had left and Alex had not talked to any other kid after that.

So Alex went out of his room with no intention to talk to anyone. He sat at a table, retreated from everyone, starting to write in his notebook. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Rian talking with a skinny boy. He thought about it for a second before remembering that the boy’s name was Jack. Alex didn’t like him much because he was annoying and he had too much energy and had been trying to talk to Alex for too long. Obviously, he gave up after a while, deciding to go annoy someone else instead, leaving Alex on his own. Rian though, hadn’t seemed to get the message this morning and he was already walking towards Alex. He sat in the chair in front of Alex, looking intently at the older boy who kept his gaze focused on his notebook.

“What are you writing?” He asked after a little while. The blonde didn’t even look up and Rian sighed, this would be harder than he thought. “Why are you here? Is it because you don’t talk?” Another silence, this time, at least, Alex looked up. He was confused. He didn’t understand why Rian even tried to talk to him. He was crazy, why would someone want to talk to someone’s who crazy. “Why won’t you talk to me? We’re gonna have to share a room and I don’t want you to hate me or something. Have I done something wrong?” Rian asked getting worried that maybe it was his fault. It’s not like it would be the first time that he had fucked something up, he always did.

Alex couldn’t answer but he didn’t want Rian to think that it was his fault, it wasn’t because of Rian, Alex was just fucked up. He wanted to tell him but he couldn’t find his voice and his hands were starting to shake, dropping his pencil and trying in vain to control his breathing.

Rian looked at him, a little scared, thinking that he was the one who had caused this and got up, returning to Jack. At least one good thing had come out of this, Rian had left Alex on his own. Rian hadn’t tried to talk to Alex for the rest of the day, scared that he would cause the other boy to have an other panic attack. He left him on his own to do his own things until they went to bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about him though. He wanted to get to know him and wanted to understand him but Alex wasn’t helping him much in that. Rian finally fell asleep, thoughts of Alex filling his head only to be awoken a couple of hours later by the older boy screaming and trashing in his bad. He rushed to the blonde’s bed, trying to wake him up to get him out of his nightmare but Alex didn’t seem to be waking up anytime soon.

Slowly Alex stopped screaming, becoming unnaturally calm and Rian rook a step back, looking at Alex’s calm sleeping form in the darkness, before retreating back to his bed.

He looked towards Alex one last time and the blonde was sleeping peacefully as if nothing had happened. “What the fuck?” He whispered to himself.

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When they both woke up the next morning, Rian decided to ask Alex about it, he just wouldn’t push it. “You had a nightmare last night. It was weird. I tried to wake you up but it didn’t work and then you just stopped like nothing had happened.” He said softly, looking at Alex.

“Night terrors. You can’t wake me up during those.” Alex said, looking down at the floor. “It’s all normal.”

It was the longest Alex had ever said to Rian and the youngest boy was happy about it, maybe he’d get Alex to open up to him one day.

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As the days went on, Alex actually seemed to open up to Rian a little more every day. They were starting to get to know each other a little more and Alex almost never ignored Rian when the smaller boy talked to him. One night, as both boys were sitting on their beds in their room, Alex decided to ask Rian about what had confused him since the younger boy had first talked to him.

“Rian?” He said quietly. He had opened up to Rian but his voice was still as quiet as before.
“Yeah?” The younger boy said, turning his attention towards Alex.

“Why do you even care about me?” Why do you talk to me?” He asked, trying to find a way to voice his thoughts.

“I thought it kinda sucked that you were alone and I wanted to get to know you. I- I don’t know Alex but I do care about you.” Rian said.

“But no one ever talks to me. Why me? There’s so many people here. Why would you care about someone like me?” The older boy asked.

“What do you mean, like you?”

“They say I’m crazy Rian. Why would you talk to someone who’s crazy?”

“You’re not so bad. We’re all a little crazy here anyway. It’s why we’re here in the first place.”

“I don’t know Rian. You don’t look crazy. At least, not as bad as everyone.” Alex said, still looking down.

Rian sighed and got up from his bed, walking to Alex’s bed, sitting next to the taller boy. “Alex, if I tell you why I’m here, will you tell me why YOU are here?” Rian asked, one of his hands on the older boy’s knee.

“Yeah, okay.” Alex nodded.

“Alright, I guess you’ve already seen the cuts.” Rian started, soon interrupted by the older boy.

“Cuts? I haven’t seen any cuts.” Alex said, confused.

“Really? Everyone always immediately see them.” Rian said, surprised. Alex only nodded and the younger boy lifted the sleeve of his hoodie to show Alex. The blonde’s eyes widened but he stayed silent and Rian was thankful for that. He was a bit afraid of how Alex would react. “So, I think it’s obvious that I self-harm, I don’t really have to say anything about it but what landed me in here was my suicide attempt. I’ve been depressive for a couple of years and I couldn’t take it anymore.” The smaller boy explained.

“Oh. I- for me it’s like anxiety, well social anxiety mostly but I guess you had figured that one out, panic attacks, night terrors, all that shit y’know. Basically, that’s what I’m saying, I’m crazy.” The older boy said, his gaze drifting off to Rian’s hand that was still on his knee.

“Honestly, I don’t care about all the problems you have. You’re still great and nothing’s gonna change that.” The younger boy said. “We’re all fucked up in our own ways so it doesn’t matter. Not to me, at least.”

“Thank you.” Alex mumbled softly, still unable to look at Rian.

The younger boy almost asked Alex why he was thanking him but he decided to let it drop instead.
Both boys seemed to get better every day, Alex opening a bit more and Rian being happier than he had been in a long time. Alex still had nightmares but they seemed to be less frequent. Whenever Rian happened to be awake when the older boy had a nightmare, he would check on him, making sure that he was alright.

That night though, was the worst that Rian had ever witnessed. He was already awake when it happened. He wasn’t having a great night, his thoughts messing with his head since he went to bed, leaving him unable to sleep. When Alex was startled awake, he was so scared that a panic attack immediately settled into him. Before he could register what was happening, he was shaking and crying, struggling to breathe and Rian was now at his side.

“What happened Alex? Are you okay?” The younger boy asked, concerned, pushing his own problems to the back of his mind.

Alex couldn’t talk so he only shook his head and Rian hesitantly climbed on Alex’s bed with him, trying not to sit too close to him, uncertain of how the older boy would react, and rubbed his back soothingly in an effort to help Alex calm down. After what felt like hours, Alex managed to get over his panic attack but he was still crying and couldn’t seem to stop. He wanted to get closer to Rian and he wanted to have the younger boy’s arms wrapped around him but he was too shy to make the first move. Fortunately, Rian seemed to read his mind and he got a little closer to Alex, wrapping his arms around him.

“It’s okay Alex, you’re okay. It was just a dream.” Rian whispered as the other boy cried quietly against him.

“Don’t leave me.” The blonde whispered back, his voice shaking.

“I won’t Alex. I promise I’ll never leave you.” The younger said softly, rubbing Alex’s back.

When Alex finally calmed down, Rian got up to go back to his bed but Alex grabbed his arm. “Wait. Can you sleep with me?” Alex almost pleaded. “Please Rian. Just for tonight.” Rian didn’t even need any convincing, Alex looked so scared and vulnerable and Rian didn’t really want to be left alone with his thoughts so he climbed back in Alex’s bed and laid down next to the other boy, wrapping his arms around him. Alex sighed contently, placing his head on Rian’s chest, one of his arms loosely wrapping around the younger boy’s waist. Both boys fell asleep quickly and the night was spent without any other problems.

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When he woke up the next morning, Alex felt rested and warm. It took some time for him to register the arms wrapped around him and instead of freaking out because of the extreme proximity, he just smiled and closed his eyes, waiting for Rian to wake up. The smaller boy woke up a couple of minutes later and the first thing he could see was the mess of blonde hair on his chest where Alex’s head was still laying. When the blonde felt the strong arms around him move, he opened his eyes, staring up at Rian though his fringe.

“Good morning. Did I wake you up?” The younger boy asked, a small smile on his face.

“No. I was already awake.” Alex said softly. “Thanks for staying with me.”

“It’s okay Alex. I couldn’t leave you like that on your own.” Rian said. “Did you sleep well at least?”

“Yeah, really well. I didn’t have any nightmares and I slept the whole time. What about you?” The older boy asked.

“Yeah, I slept really well. If you ever need me again, just tell me okay? I really don’t mind it.” Rian said, looking down at the other boy. “We should probably get out of bed and go get breakfast, it’s almost 8:30 already.”

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The same night, as both boys were getting ready to go to bed, Alex seemed to stare at Rian, half-lost in his thoughts, half-waiting for the other boy to look at him. When Rian finally realized that Alex had been staring at him, he turned around to look at him, a confused look on his face. “What do you want?” He asked.

“I was wondering if, maybe, you could sleep with me again tonight.” The blonde asked shyly.

“Yeah, sure. Remember what I told you this morning, I really don’t mind it.” The younger said, a little relieved that Alex has asked. Deep down, he wanted the same, hoping that the close proximity with the taller boy would make his dark thoughts go away and that he’d fall asleep just as quickly as the previous night. He just couldn’t bring himself to ask, afraid that it would be too much for Alex. The boy had opened up to him but he was still really shy and he didn’t want to make him close back on himself.

Just as he had hoped, as soon as they were in bed, Alex’s body close to him, Rian’s mind seemed to stop screaming all these hateful things at him and his tense muscles relaxed against the warmth of Alex’s body. He was tired from all the sleepless nights he spent crying, his thoughts haunting him, so he knew it shouldn’t take too long for him to be asleep and the same could be said for the older boy who was already on the line between awake and asleep, his eyes closing on their own, his eyelids too heavy to keep them open. Once again, they both fell asleep easily and slept uninterrupted through the whole night.

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As the days passed, it seemed to become a habit for Alex and Rian to share a bed. Alex’s nightmares were almost completely gone and the thoughts that always haunted Rian at night disappeared every time he wrapped his arms around the other boy’s slender waist. They both made a lot of progress in the 4 months that Rian had been there and the nurses had also noticed this progress. Alex hadn’t had any nightmares or night terrors in 2 weeks and almost a month had passed since his last panic attack.

Alex was coming back from his last appointment with his therapist, a smile on his face and Rian quickly noticed it when the blonde plopped down in the seat next to him.

“What’s got you so happy Lex?” Rian asked, amused by the way his friend was acting.

“I’m leaving tomorrow! The therapist said that I had made a lot of progress and that she had talked with my parents. They won’t come visit me tomorrow, they’ll actually get me out of here.” He said happily.

Rian’s smile faded. Alex was finally free to go and Rian would be left alone in here. It wasn’t fair. “I’m happy for you Alex. This is great.” He said. He meant it, he really did, but he didn’t want to be left alone anyway.

“You’ll be okay Rian. I’ll come and see you sometimes if I can and soon you’ll be out of here too.” Alex said, an optimistic smile on his face.

“Yeah. But really, I’m actually happy for you. I’ll do my best to get better and get out of here.” The younger said, looking up at Alex and forcing a half-fake smile on his own face.

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That night, Alex didn’t even need to ask Rian to stay with him through the night, the younger boy made his way to the blonde’s bad, looking at him almost pleadingly and Alex didn’t argue, only letting Rian climb in his bed with him.

“I’m gonna miss not having you here.” Rian whispered sadly.

“Yeah but you won’t stay alone for too long and I’ll come visit you every Saturday night like your parents do.” The blonde said, looking right into the other boy’s eyes, nothing but truthfulness shown in his own eyes.

The stayed silent for a little while longer, lying there, next to each other, both lost in their thoughts. Rian was stuck in some kind of dilemma with himself. There was something he was dying to say to Alex but he was scared. Everything could go well but he could also lose Alex and he didn’t want to lose him. Alex was his only friend, having turned the others he had against him before his suicide attempt to not hurt them. But even though he didn’t want to lose Alex as a friend, he wished he could be more than that. He had realized this about two weeks ago but he didn’t know how the older boy would react and he didn’t want to lose him, especially that he had to share a room with him and he didn’t want to make it awkward. But tomorrow, Alex was leaving so if everything went wrong, it didn’t matter too much. So he made his decision. He couldn’t keep this for himself, he needed the older boy to know.

“Alex?” Rian said quietly, pulling the blonde from his thoughts.

“Yeah?” He said, just as quietly, turning to look at Rian who suddenly looked really shy, almost embarrassed.

“I don’t want to freak you out or anything, if you don’t feel the same way, don’t be afraid to say it, I don’t want to pressure you into anything.” Rian said, becoming more and more anxious with every word he said. “I really like you Alex. I don’t want to lose you as a friend but, honestly, I wish we could be more than this. I guess that what I want to say is that I like you as more than a friend.” The younger boy explained nervously, stumbling over his words.

“You, uh, I-“ Alex mumbled, unsure of what to say.

Rian quickly interrupted him. “If you don’t feel the same it’s okay, I understand.”

“No, I-“ Alex sighed. He did like Rian as more than a friend but he didn’t know how to voice his thoughts. “Can I try something?” He asked shyly.

Rian nodded and Alex closed the gap between them, his lips gently connecting with Rian’s. The younger boy was surprised at first but he wasted no time, pressing his lips a little more firmly to Alex’s, one of his hands finding the back of the blonde’s neck. The kiss stayed soft and innocent and when they pulled away, Alex blushed a deep shade of red.

“So, did that mean that you feel the same or…” The younger boy trailed off.

“Yeah.” Alex whispered, blushing a little more.

“You can’t understand how relieved I am.” Rian smiled. “I was so scared that I would freak you out or something.”

Alex didn’t know what to say anymore so he just got closer to Rian, laying his head on the smaller boy’s chest. “I’m happy too.” He whispered softly.

Rian wrapped his arms around Alex, smiling at the thought that the older boy was finally his.

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They woke up in the same position the next morning, Alex happy to finally get out of this place but Rian feeling a little down at the thought of Alex leaving.

Waiting for their parents that night, the boys sat in their room, on Alex’s bed, holding hands.

“You’re really gonna come and visit me, right?” Rian asked.

“Yeah Ri’. I promise I will.” Alex said, looking at his boyfriend. And Rian knew it was true, he could tell from the look in Alex’s eyes.

“I promise that I’ll do my best to get better then.” The younger said, squeezing Alex’s hand slightly.
Their parents arrived at the same time. Alex was really excited to see them and him and Rian talked to the younger’s parents about coming to see Rian every Saturday. They agreed, knowing how happy Rian was when he was with Alex and knowing that he might only help Rian get better. Rian and Alex said goodbye and Alex left, happy to be out of them and determined to help Rian get out of there too.

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The next week, Rian waited impatiently for Saturday, missing Alex a lot more than he thought was possible. When Saturday came, his parents were there but the other boy was missing. He didn’t say anything but he was hurt.

He didn’t sleep that night, even if he tried, he couldn’t drown out the thought that were haunting him. Alex didn’t like him, he just didn’t want to tell him so he told him he did and decided to let Rian guess later. This week, he got a lot worse. The nurses wouldn’t let him out of their sight in case he found something to hurt himself with. What they didn’t know is that he didn’t need anything, his thoughts were already doing it.

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The next Saturday though, Alex was there with Rian’s parents. As soon as he entered the room, Rian hugged him tightly, unbelieving that the older boy was really there.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there last Saturday. I had an important diner with my family.” Alex said.
The whole time, he kept apologizing to Rian, telling him that whatever happened, he’d be there every Saturday from now on. He kept his promise and Rian kept his, getting significantly better in the next five weeks. The sixth Saturday, when Alex arrived at the hospital, something seemed different. Rian’s parents were a lot happier and when he got to Rian’s room, it seemed cleaner. He spotted Rian’s bags on the bed and looked at Rian, hopeful. The younger boy smiled and nodded, jumping up from his bed to hug Alex and Alex hugged him back just as tightly.

“I’m so proud of you.” Alex whispered, unwillingly letting go of Rian.

“I wouldn’t have done it without you.” The younger boy replied. “Thank you for keeping your promise.” They shared a kiss, Alex taking advantage of the situation to hold Rian a little more. “C’mon, let’s get you out of here.” He said when they let go of each other, already moving from his spot to pick up one of Rian’s bags from the bed.