Not Desperate

Affliction

When Daryl returned ten minutes later, he was carrying a pair of grey sweatpants, a blue t-shirt and an unopened package of white, cotton panties. “The nurse gave me these. She said they keep some things for cases like this. She said they should fit.”
“Thank you.” She took the clothes and went into the bathroom to change. While Daryl sat on the bed waiting for her, two nurses came in with discharge papers and two wheelchairs. When Yvonne came back into the room, they signed the papers and took a ride to the waiting room. Rick was waiting for them. He had sent Carol and Sophia home under guard of the deputy that brought them. The ride to Rick’s house was silent except for Rick filling them in on everything he knew. As soon as he pulled into the driveway, Michael came running out the door. He hovered as Daryl helped his mom get out of the car. As Daryl moved to one side, he wrapped his arms around her waist. “I love you momma.”
She ran her fingers through his short, blonde hair. “I love you too baby doll. I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried about you. Let’s go inside so I can sit down.” He and Daryl flanked her and held her hands as they walked inside. Immediately, Lori embraced her with tears in her eyes. “Thank you for taking care of Michael and keeping him safe.”
“You don’t need to thank me for that,” Lori told her. “I’m a mother too. It’s our job to keep the kids safe. It was my pleasure.” When Yvonne moved to sit on the couch with her son, Lori stood in front of Daryl and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I’m so sorry about Merle. Rick told me what he did, sacrificing himself. He loved you even though he never showed it. If you need anything from me, don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Thanks Lori. If you could keep an eye on Yvonne, try to help her. I figure she’d appreciate it more coming from a woman than me.”
“That’s not true Daryl. She’s gonna need you to make things normal again. She’s gonna need you to take all this away. You’re the only one who can bring her back from this.”
“I don’t know about that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to make things worse for her.”
“Just listen to her Daryl. She’ll let you know what she needs from you. She may not want to talk about it for a long time, but pay attention to her, what she does, how she acts. Don’t put any pressure on her. She has to reconcile this with herself first before she can hand it over to someone else. I’ll keep an eye on her. I’ll be here for her if she needs me, but she’s gonna need you more.”
“Thanks Lori. Uh, you got anything she could eat? She may not want to, but she should. She needs to keep up her strength.”
“Of course sweetie. I’ll get something for all of us. I’m sure you need to eat too.” When Lori left to go to the kitchen, Daryl went to the living room where Michael and Yvonne were sitting, cuddled together on the couch. He sat in the chair across from them and Rick went to the kitchen to help Lori. They just looked at each other and Daryl was trying to convey something in his eyes. A question, hope, regret, he wasn’t sure, but she seemed to understand anyway. “Come sit with us.” She patted the space next to her indicating where he needed to be. He got as close to her as he could and leaned in putting his arm around both of them and pulled them close.
“You don’t have to give Rick a statement until you’re ready. He’ll understand. He ain’t gonna put any pressure on ya. Lori would rip him apart if he did.”
“I know. He already told me to take my time. It’s just a formality really. More for your case than mine. They’re gonna find your fingerprints all over him. My statement is gonna prove self-defense on your part. My case will be proven through the evidence they found at the hospital.” Lori and Rick came in carrying two trays of sandwiches and a bag of chips. Rick handed Daryl a beer and Yvonne a coke. “You didn’t have to do this. I’m not really hungry.”
“You need to eat something, both of you,” Lori said. “You’re tired, you’re hurting. Ya’ll need to keep up you’re strength. Just eat a little bit. Then we can all go to bed. Michael’s gonna stay with Carl in his room and you two can take the guest room down the hall.”
Daryl and Yvonne took bites of their food. Yvonne realized she was hungrier than she thought. “Thank you again. For everything. You’re kindness and hospitality. You just don’t know how much I appreciate what you’ve done for Michael and myself.”
“No need to thank us,” Rick replied. “Daryl’s my family. I would do anything for him and the people he loves. You’re family too now Yvonne, you and Michael.”
Lori stood and took everyone’s plates and the empty platters of sandwiches. “I’ll put these away, then we can get the boys to bed. I’ve got some clothes you can wear until you can get back to your house. We’ll find something you like.” After Lori and Yvonne tucked the boys in and said goodnight, they went into the master bedroom and Lori found a pair of sleep shorts and a shirt for Yvonne to sleep in. “I’ll have something for you to wear tomorrow. There is a bathroom attached to the guest bedroom. Take a shower or bath if you want. Just make yourself at home.” Yvonne smiled and nodded her head in gratitude. When she walked into the guest room, Rick and Daryl were talking. Daryl was wearing a pair of Playboy bunny sleep pants and an Iron Maiden t-shirt she assumed belonged to Rick.
“Hey Yvonne,” he said. “How are the boys?”
“Sleeping. I know how exhausted Michael is. He worried so much.”
“That, he did,” Rick replied. “We all did, but you’re both safe now. Help yourselves to showers if ya want. See ya in the morning.”
“Goodnight Rick,” they both said. When the door was closed, Daryl locked it tight. “You can take a shower first, if ya want. I’ll wait out here.”
“No,” she said harshly. “I mean, yes, I’m going to take a shower, but would you come with me? I don’t want to be alone.”
He brushed a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. “Of course. Anything you need from me, tell me. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it.” He turned the water on and let it warm up while he took off his clothes. She stood in the corner and watched him not making a move to remove her own. “Do you want me to turn around? I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“No Daryl, you don’t. I just . . . you make me feel safe. Just give me a second, okay?”
“Sure sweetheart. Take all the time you need.” He stepped into the shower and closed the curtain. He let the water cover his body and he relaxed into the heat. Pretty soon, he heard her moving to take off her clothes. She moved the curtain back and he helped her step in. He looked at her body. She was covered in bruises and he could see the welts on her wrists and ankles from where she had been bound. There were cuts on her breasts and stomach and he could see bruises in the shape of a hand on her thighs and chest. She felt ashamed and turned her back to him. “Don’t Yvonne, please. Don’t hide from me. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Turn around. I promise I won’t do anything. I won’t touch you. We just need to clean up and get some sleep, if we can.”
“I just didn’t want you to see this. You don’t need to see this. I’d understand if you don’t want to, it’s pretty ugly and disgusting.”
He hung his head. He didn’t know how to make her understand how wrong she was. The only thing he wanted right now was to put his arms around her, pull her body close to his and kiss her. Kiss her until her pain went away. “I was scared shitless to show you my scars. I was afraid you’d laugh at me, feel disgusted by me and never want to see me again. But you didn’t do any of those things. You told me that you didn’t care about them. You told me that I was beautiful and amazing. You told me that you loved me. I love you Yvonne, nothings gonna change that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I don’t know what you want or need from me, but I’ll do anything to make you believe that I will always love you. You need to know that you are still beautiful. He can’t take that away from you. Don’t let him have that. Don’t let him tear us apart.”
She turned to face him, not looking him in the eye. “I’ll try my best Daryl. I promise. Let’s just wash up and get to bed. I’m so tired.”
“Okay darlin’.” He handed her a wash cloth and a bottle of body wash while he washed himself. He watched her wince as she ran the cloth over her body. She delicately moved the cloth over her thighs and between them. He offered to wash her hair and she let him, both of them feeling comfort from the contact. He let her dry herself, not wanting to overdo it or scare her. Although the heat from the shower relaxed their muscles, they were still sore and struggled to put their clothes on. They climbed under the sheets together and Daryl turned off the bedside lamp. They lay separated on either side of the bed, both afraid to speak, Yvonne reached out for him, grabbing his hand with hers. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything Yvonne,” he said, squeezing her hand in his.
“Would you be willing to just hold me? Please?” Without saying a word, he pulled her over to him and she rested her head on his chest. He cloaked her with his arms.
“You don’t ever have to ask for that. I want you to feel safe. I’ll do anything to keep you safe. Just close your eyes darlin’. Try to get some sleep. I ain’t leaving ya tonight. You’re gonna stay right here, in my arms all night.” She didn’t respond. He felt her breathing even out and when he knew she was asleep, he closed his eyes and followed her.

The next morning came too early for them both. The sun had barely risen when Yvonne opened her eyes. Daryl’s arms were still wrapped around her tightly and her head still rested against his chest. She tried to be as still and quiet as she could as not to wake him. She was grateful that he was still willing to be this close to her. She wasn’t ready to tell him what happened, she wasn’t even sure if he would want to know what Len had done to her. She was having a hard enough time processing this herself. She had visions of his face all night. She could still feel his hands and mouth on her. No matter how much time passed, she would never forget it. After a few minutes had gone by, Daryl began to stir. “Good morning sweetheart.” Out of habit, he moved his head down to kiss her. He didn’t realize what he had done until he felt her body stiffen against his. “Shit, I’m sorry. Just a habit.”
“Yeah, I know,” she said without emotion. “Just a habit.” She moved away from him and got out of bed. “I’m gonna take a shower and see if Lori needs help with breakfast.” When she disappeared into the bathroom, Daryl silently cursed himself for his actions. How could he have forgotten what happened? All he knew was that she was in his arms and nothing else mattered. It made everything seem normal, like he had dreamed the whole thing. Obviously, it hadn’t been a dream, it was all very real. Now he knew how she felt about him. She hadn’t responded to the kiss at all. She didn’t want him to touch her. All those things she had said to him was bullshit to make him feel better. She felt sorry for him because of Merle. He got out of bed and went downstairs to find Rick, he needed to know what time they were leaving for the station.
When Yvonne came out of the bathroom, he was gone. There was a pile of clothes on the bed with a note from Lori that said breakfast was ready and waiting for her. She put on the jeans and long sleeve purple shirt and made her way downstairs. Everyone was already eating by the time she got to the kitchen. Michael got up and ran to her.
“Good morning baby. How’d you sleep?”
“Pretty good, but I’m starving. Ya gotta get some food before we eat it all.”
“Okay sweetie. I’m coming.” The only seat available was between Michael and Daryl. She gave him a nervous half smile as she sat down next to him. Lori brought her a plate with eggs, bacon and hashbrowns. A plate of biscuits sat in front of her as did a steaming cup of coffee. “Thank you Lori. I wanted to help, but didn’t get down here in time.”
“Don’t worry about it. You and Daryl needed your sleep. How did ya’ll sleep last night?”
“Good,” Daryl said.
“Fine,” Yvonne replied.
“Do you want to come to the station with us? You don’t have to if you’re not ready,” Rick asked.
“No Rick. I don’t think so, not today. I promise I’ll do it soon, I just need a few days. If that’s okay?”
“Sure. You just tell me when, and I’ll make arrangements.”
“Thank you,” she replied. Everything grew quiet at the table until Carl spoke up. “Can Michael and I go play in my room?”
“Sure honey. Go play and have some fun.” Lori said as the boys jumped up from the table and ran upstairs. When Daryl and Rick were finished with their breakfast, Lori grabbed the plates and took them to the kitchen. Rick stood and walked to the door.
“I’ll be waiting in the car Daryl. Take your time.” When they were alone at the table, Daryl began tapping his fingers on the top.
“Are you going to the station in your pajamas?” she asked, trying to ease the tension. It didn’t work.
“He’s taking me by the trailer so I can shower and get my own clothes. Then were going to the station. I’m gonna call Carol and we’re gonna make arrangements for Merle. Don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“Okay.” When he stood and moved to pass by her, she took his hand. He looked at her with what she recognized as pity. “Be careful. Will I see you later?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll see ya when we get back from the funeral home.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “Call me if ya need me, ya hear?”
“I will.” She let go of his hand and watched him walk out the door. When Lori returned, she was crying.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Lori asked as she sat down in the chair Daryl had just abandoned.
“He’s disgusted by me, Lori. He was completely horrified when he saw me in the shower last night. He kept giving me this bullshit about how he would never stop loving me and that I would always be beautiful. He let me sleep in his arms last night and this morning he kissed me. Apparently without thinking about it because he apologized and said he did it out of habit. He barely spoke to me this morning. Lori, I’ve destroyed the best thing I’ve ever had. I can’t live without him.”
“Honey, calm down. You haven’t destroyed anything. Let me make us some fresh coffee, we can go out on the back porch and talk, okay?”
“Thank you Lori. I have to go upstairs for a minute, then I’ll meet you outside.”
“Alright. You do what you have to.” Yvonne made her way back upstairs. She checked on the boys who were laying video games. She went into the guest room and saw Daryl’s angel wing vest laying on the dresser. She reached into the pocket and pulled out his cigarettes and zippo. She tucked them in her pocket and went back downstairs. Lori was pouring the coffee when she walked back into the kitchen. They took their cups and went outside. Yvonne pulls the cigarettes out of her pocket before sitting down.
“You don’t mind do you?” she asked before lighting up.
“No, I don’t. As long as you let me have one” she said smiling slyly.
“I didn’t know you smoke,” Yvonne said shocked.
“I don’t, anymore. I quit when I got pregnant with Carl. I haven’t had one since and considering what’s been going on, I’d really like one. Please?”
Yvonne opened the box and saw that half the pack was left and handed one to Lori along with the zippo. “Okay, what happened between last night and this morning?”
“I don’t know. Last night he was saying all these comforting things. He told me that he would never stop loving me and that I shouldn’t let what Len did tear us apart. Then this morning he kissed me and said he was sorry he did it. He only did it out of habit. I know he’s dealing with a lot right now, but I thought we would help each other. He made me feel good last night. He made me believe that we could work our way through this. Now, I don’t know what’s going on.”
Lori took a drag of her cigarette. “I’ve known Daryl since Rick and I were in college. I’ve never known him to date anyone. I’ve never known him to put as much effort into another person. He is so scared that he’s gonna do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing and make everything worse for you. He’s trying to reconcile losing Merle, but getting you back. He thinks you’re not gonna want him anymore. He thinks that just the thought of him touching you is gonna disgust you. That’s why he apologized for kissing you. That’s why he made that stupid excuse. You don’t have to tell him anything about what happened last night, until you’re ready, if you’re ever ready. But he needs to know that he’s not gonna lose you over this. He wants to be the one who helps you heal. He just needs to know how to do it, he needs to know that you’re gonna be okay with whatever he does.”
“I just need him to be there. I don’t need him to say anything special. I don’t need him to do anything elaborate. I just need him to stay. I need him to still want me. I need to know that what Len did to me isn’t gonna keep him from wanting me. I don’t want him to think I’m damaged by this.”
“You need to tell him as soon as possible,” Lori said, “before things have gone too far to come back from.”
“I will. I’ll tell him when he gets back today. I can’t let this go any longer.”