Not Desperate

Say Goodbye

Rick knew that Daryl had something on his mind. They hadn’t talked since the night before and he had barely spoken a word to him this morning. “What’s going on Daryl? What’s on your mind?” He didn’t acknowledge Rick immediately and sat in silence. When they pulled up to the trailer, Daryl stepped out without a word and went inside. Rick followed him, biding his time. Daryl was in his room throwing random shit in a backpack. The hunter could sense his best friends presence behind him. “It’s over,” he said in a low voice, full of disgust.
“What’s over?” Rick walked into the room and sat on the bed.
“She don’t want me anymore. I don’t think she loves me anymore. I can’t live with this. I lost Merle, now I lost her. All because of that stupid fucker who should’ve rotted away in prison years ago.” He sat down on the bed, hard enough to bounce the mattress.
“Okay, so, she was alright last night, but what happened between then and now?”
Daryl started biting at his thumbnail. “She said she didn’t want to be alone, so she wanted me to get in the shower with her. When she stepped in . . . . . my God Rick, I wanted to kill him all over again. She’s covered in bruises and cuts. She’s ashamed, didn’t want me seeing it. I tried to tell her she’s still beautiful to me. I told her I’d never stop loving her, no matter what. She told me she’d try. She wants to work through this together. I think she feels guilty about Merle. I don’t know. She promised me Rick, she made me think that she still wanted this, wanted us. She let me sleep with my arms around her last night. I woke up this morning and she was still there. I guess I was hoping it had all been a dream or something. I mean, if I wake up with her in my arms it means everything’s good, right? So, I suppose I forgot all about the bad shit for a minute and I kissed her. She didn’t do anything Rick, she just stiffened up, didn’t kiss me back. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I did it. She got scared, or pissed off, and ran into the bathroom. There’s no excuse for what I did. She don’t need me trying to do that shit until she’s dealt with this and she’s ready. She ain’t ever gonna want me to touch her again. I can’t live without her.” He was trying his best to keep the tears at bay.
Rick put his hand on his best friends shoulder. “Has she told you what happened yet?”
“Naw, told her that could wait till she felt comfortable.”
“Good. I know she loves you too, no matter what happened. I’ve been on a few calls like this before. It’s hard for both parties to deal with. You’re both hurting for each other and we still don’t know how this is gonna affect her emotionally. Some woman deal with it better than others, but it all depends on the reaction she gets from you. She may not tell you what she wants or needs, but you have to make sure she knows she can still trust you.”
“I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to get her to believe me or trust me. She’s gotta know that I would never hurt her. I want to make her feel better. I want to be the one to take it all away.”
“Just tell her that. She doesn’t want to lose you. She loves you too much, and I know you love her just as much. Tonight when you get back to the house, just talk to her. Tell her what you told me. Ya’ll belong together, you’re supposed to be with her. You’ll know what to do.” Rick left the room then, and waited for Daryl in the car. He was well aware that he and Yvonne needed to talk everything out, but he just couldn’t do it until he was sure he knew what to say and how to say it. He threw a few more random items into the bag and went back outside. They arrived at the station ten minutes later. “Am I gonna need a lawyer for this?” he asked as they walked in the door.
“No charges are being filed against you yet in Len’s death. The investigation is still ongoing. Once we get Yvonne’s statement, self-defense will be proven. You’re just here to tell us what happened after Shane took you.” Daryl sat in the interrogation room with Rick and a stenographer. Rick as manning a video camera and asking questions as Daryl told his story. His voice wavered when he spoke about finding Yvonne. He revealed, in graphic detail, what he had done to the monster who had violated the woman he loves. He couldn’t remember a lot of anything else after finding Merle’s body. He knew he had zoned out for a while. He clearly, and regrettably, remembered what he said to Yvonne at the height of his grief. Rick stopped him when he got to the part about the ambulance ride. He had been with Daryl and already knew what happened from that point on. After Daryl signed his witness statement, he called Carol. She picked him up at the station and they went to the only funeral home in town to make Merle’s arrangements.
Carol had written Merle’s obituary, being sure to refer to Sophia as his daughter. She knew Merle loved her daughter and considered her his own child. She also knew of Merle’s plan to adopt her. She would give her husband his daughter, even though he hadn’t been given the chance to make it legal. Daryl picked out the vault, coffin and headstone. He didn’t go overboard, he chose the best quality at the lowest price. The insurance policy he had through the U.S. Government from his military service was more than enough to give him an elaborate send off, but Daryl wanted Carol to use that money for Sophia and herself. They could get a better house in a better neighborhood, maybe send Sophia to a good school. They were his responsibility now, he wasn’t going to fail his brother or his new family. When they were finished at the funeral home, Daryl asked Carol to take him to T-Dog’s garage. He knew the place would be empty, T was still in the hospital recovering from his surgery. He told Carol that he just wanted to check on his bike, he hoped Shane hadn’t destroyed it. Carol was hesitant to leave him alone, but he promise he would call Rick if anything happened and told her he was planning to ride the bike back to the house. He wanted to take Yvonne for a ride, maybe he would have enough fortitude to say all the things he needed to.
As soon as Carol drove away, he fished the keys out of his pocket. He went through the shop and into the office. He had expected that the clean-up crew would have been through by now, but T’s blood, dry and coagulated, still covered the floor. The trail led backwards into the office where Daryl assumed the initial attack took place. The office was a mess. Papers strewn across the desk and floor, chairs overturned, T’s desktop and keyboard shattered into pieces. Daryl was afraid to touch anything, so he just sat on the floor and cried. Merle would’ve called him a pansy ass for it, but he hadn’t cried this much in his entire life. He almost lost the only woman he’d ever loved, he held his dead brother’s body in his arms, and had recounted the entire thing this morning in front of a video camera. He sat there for God knows how long feeling lost and confused. He knew Merle had loved him and regretted most, if not all, the things he had done and let happen to him. He knew Yvonne had loved him, but he doubted if she would ever let him love her again. It had never been just sex with her. Yes, he had fantasized and dreamt of touching her and being inside her, but he was in love with her before any of that happened. If she decided she never wanted him to touch her ever again, he would learn to deal with that. Being near her and not being able to touch her would torture him every day of his life. He would learn to live as just her friend if it meant he could still be in her life. He rooted around in the backpack he carried and pulled out the hand crafted wooden box that he had taken from the cabin when he and Yvonne had been there. He was only looking for one thing, and when he found it he wondered if he would ever be able to give it to her.
When his momma died, Merle had been in juvie and his daddy had been off on a bender somewhere. He was the only one there after the fire department left and the cops let him search through the rubble before they hauled him off to children and family services. The only thing he found was his momma’s engagement ring. It looked like it had come out of a quarter prize machine at the grocery store. He could get it cleaned and shined up real good, but he didn’t know if she would accept it now. His heart and mind were braking into pieces, pieces he wasn’t sure could ever be put back together. Eventually, he went into the shop to look at his bike. He couldn’t see any damage, so he slung the backpack across his shoulders and walked the bike outside. After he locked up the shop, he just sat on the bike for a while deciding what to do next. He wanted to see her, talk to her, but he was afraid. He was afraid he would say the wrong thing and she would reject him. He couldn’t deal with that right now. Right now, he needed to be alone. He started the bike and headed out. He was too distracted to realize he was being followed by a Triumph Bonneville.

When Rick got home that night, Lori and Yvonne were fixing dinner. He gave Lori a kiss on the cheek and Yvonne a hug. “How are you beautiful ladies doing?”
“We’re fine. How was your day? Everything go alright with Daryl’s statement this morning?” Lori asked her husband.
“Yeah, he didn’t tell you?”
“We haven’t seen or heard from him since ya’ll left this morning.” Yvonne said, worry apparent in her voice.
“I think talking about everything took its toll on him. After he left the station, he and Carol went to the funeral home. Maybe she knows where he is. I’ll give her a call. I’m sure he’s fine, he’ll be back soon.” After their talk this morning and the way he had almost lost it during the interview, Rick was worried now. He hoped Daryl hadn’t been foolish enough to let his misplaced emotions guide him to a bad place. He hoped Carol could tell him where he was.
“Hi Rick. How are you?” Carol asked almost cheerfully when she answered the phone.
“Doing fine Carol. How are you and Sophia holding up?”
“As good as we can for right now. What can I help you with?”
“Do you know where Daryl is? He never came back to the house after the funeral home. Yvonne hasn’t seen or heard from him all day.”
“I dropped him off at the garage. He said he wanted to check out the bike to see if Shane had damaged it. That was over four hours ago. He said he would call you if anything happened.”
“Alright, thanks Carol.”
“Rick, call me, okay. I have to know he’s alright.”
“I will Carol. I promise.” Rick tried to hide his worry when he walked back to the kitchen, but Yvonne saw it written all over his face.
“Oh God, Rick! What happened? Is he okay?”
“I don’t know honey. Carol dropped him off at the garage four hours ago. Try calling his cell.” She grabbed her phone off the table and frantically dialed his number. When his voice mail picked up, she left a hurried message asking him to call her as soon as possible. Rick tried calling him too, but didn’t leave a message.
“Take me to the garage Rick, please. I have to find him.”
“Okay. Lori, if he comes back or calls, you let us know.” She agreed and they ran out the door and jumped into the squad car. He turned on the siren and they sped off.
“Shane is still out there, isn’t he? Ya’ll haven’t found him yet, have you?” she asked.
“No, we haven’t, but we can’t assume he’s got anything to do with this. We shouldn’t even assume somethings wrong. I can’t tell you how many times Daryl’s gone out in the woods for a few days when he needs to be alone. He’s not dealing with any of this very well. I bet he’s just taking some time to gather his thoughts. He wants to talk to ya, but he doesn’t know what to say.”
“It doesn’t matter what he says. I know he loves me, I can feel that, and I know this is hard for him. He lost the only family he had and he’s still worried about me. I think he blames himself for everything that’s happened. None of this is his fault. He saved me in more ways than he knows.” She didn’t elaborate on that, just stayed silent for the rest of the ride to the garage. That information was only for Daryl right now. She knew she couldn’t keep this to herself anymore, he needed to hear this, and the sooner the better.
When Rick pulled into the garage, there wasn’t a soul around. He told Yvonne to stay in the car while he checked everything out. He looked in through the shop windows and saw the same thing Daryl had earlier. The one thing he didn’t see was the motorcycle. He wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not, but knew he couldn’t stop until he found his friend. He told Yvonne when he got back to the car. “He’s either in the woods or at the cabin. If he’s gone to think, those would be the only two places he would consider. We’ll go to the cabin first, looking in the woods ain’t gonna do us any good. We’d get lost, I ain’t never been a woodsman like he is. I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground where that’s concerned.”
“Okay, whatever you think is best,” she said. “I just hope he’s okay. I gotta talk to him.” An hour later, they pulled onto the dirt road that led to the cabin. Rick slowed the vehicle as they approached. When they saw a motorcycle parked in front, they both felt relief until they saw another bike parked farther away, under a tree. “Whose bike is that Rick? Who else is here?”
“That’s Shane. You stay in the car, I’m gonna check this out. You watch out for me. If you see Daryl or Shane before I do, lay in on the horn, got it?” Rick said as he checked his weapon, readying it for use.
“Yes. Please be careful! Find him,” she begged the deputy. He opened the door and put his hand on her shoulder before he got out.
“Lock these doors. Don’t get out until I say so. I’m gonna take care of both of ya, keep ya’ll safe.” He jumped out of the vehicle and sprinted toward the front door, holding his gun in front of him the whole time. Yvonne immediately locked the doors. Her heart was going to beat out of her chest and her head was pounding. She wasn’t gonna cry, she had done enough of that and it was time to stop. She watched nervously as Rick ran toward the open doorway and stopped. She couldn’t hear what was going on, but saw his lips move. After what seemed like an eternity, he walked through the open doorway.
The front room was trashed; furniture overturned, lamps smashed on the floor. The kitchen wasn’t any better. The whole cabin was quiet and Rick walked to the back door, paying close attention to any noise that could be coming from upstairs, but there was none. The backdoor was wide open and he could tell the ground had been disturbed. He followed the path for about five hundred yards, until he heard the sounds of a scuffle. When he came into the clearing, he saw them, beating each other to death. He made a mad dash to them yelling their names and demanding that they stop. Neither of the brawlers heard or saw Rick approach them. Shane had knocked Daryl on his back and was currently straddling him and pummeling his face. Daryl reached up and grabbed Shane by the neck. Rick pointed his Colt Python in the air and shot, then placed the hot tip of the weapon against Shane’s temple. “You get the fuck off him Shane, or I swear, I will kill you now!” He emphasized his point by cocking the gun right by that bastard’s ear.
“Whoa, Rick! This arrogant, worthless piece of shit killed by family. He’s gotta pay for that. What if somebody took Lori from you, or Carl or the baby? You know they’d deserve to die partner.”
Rick shook with anger. “I am not your partner, don’t call me that. You ain’t a cop no more Shane, never will be again.” Just then using Shane’s distraction, Daryl bucked the asshole off him. His face was bloody and one eye was swollen shut.
“He’s the one that killed Merle. He told me Rick. I think that makes us pretty goddamn even.”
“Shut your bitch mouth Dixon! You’re piece of shit brother deserved it! I promised him, before I shot him in the head, that I’d do the same to you!” Shane spat at him. Daryl lunged at him, but Rick stepped between them and stopped him in his tracks.
“Daryl, calm down! Yvonne is in the car, I think you should let her know you’re alright.”
“She okay?” he asked, fearful of the answer.
“She’s fine. Shell be even better when she sees you. Go, now. Shane and I are gonna talk for a minute.” Daryl nodded and ran back to the cabin. He went through the backdoor and into the bathroom. He cringed at the sight in the mirror. His face was more red than white and his left eye was a myriad of darkening colors, but he could only see out of his right, so the image may have been skewed somewhat. He ran a washcloth under the water and tried to clean off as much blood as he could, he didn’t want to scare her. He walked to the open door and saw Rick’s cruiser parked out a ways from the cabin. When he saw her head sticking up over the dashboard, he took off running. Halfway to the car, he started yelling her name. She bolted out of the car and ran into his arms. She brought her hand to his battered face. “He hurt you.”
“Naw, he sure as hell tried though. Bastard wanted revenge for me killing Len, but Shane was the one that killed Merle. He looks as bad as I do, I hope.”
“You gotta go to the hospital Daryl. I think you need stitches.”
“We’ll go later. Rick’s down there with him right now. I though he’s gonna rip Shane’s throat out with his teeth.” He looked at her sweetly then held her tight. “I just wanna hold ya for a bit, if that’s okay?’
“Of course. I’m just so glad you’re alright. I was so scared.” Daryl lifted her head to look at her.
“I’m so sorry about everything. I’ve been an ass. Trying to be careful with you, don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I need you. I need to know you’re gonna be okay. I need to know what I need to do, and not do, to make sure you’re okay. I’m scared you’re never gonna let me touch you again.”
“SShh, Daryl. You’re the only man I ever want to touch me. It hurt when you said you were sorry or kissing me this morning. I thought that you did it out of habit, not desire. I was scared you never wanted to touch me again, that you thought I was damaged now or something.”
“No baby! I don’t think that. I could never look at you and see anything but beauty, compassion and kindness. There ain’t nothing wrong with you. I love you, and I always will. I’ll always want to touch you, kiss you, and make love to you. I want you to let your body and mind heal first.”
“Daryl, there’s something I haven’t told you yet, I haven’t told anybody yet. You need to know this. I just didn’t want to talk about any of it, but I can’t keep this to myself. Please don’t be mad at me for not saying anything.”
“I won’ be mad darlin’. You know none of this is your fault, right? You didn’t do a damn thing to cause any of this. Don’t be afraid to tell me anything. I ain’t never gonna leave you, no matter what.” She took his hand and led him to the front porch steps and they sat down together.
“You saved my life. You got there just in time. He was going to kill me, he told me that. He was going to cut me up in little pieces and show them to you before he killed you too. You kept that from happening, but you didn’t just save my life.” She paused and took a deep breath. Daryl was staring at her intently, waiting for her next words. “When I said you got there just in time . . . if you had been just two seconds later, he would have raped me.”
Daryl was stunned. He blinked his eyes and closed them tight. “He didn’t rape you?” He swung his arms around her and cradled her head to his chest. “Thank fucking God baby girl!” He didn’t say anything else, didn’t ask for an explanation, just held her tight, told her he loved her and thanked God.

“Shane, I’m gonna ask you nicely to come with me. I’m gonna take ya in and you’re not gonna fight me and you’re not gonna run. I’ll shoot you, don’t think I won’t. When everybody sees Daryl, nobody would question me shooting you in self-defense.” Rick said, still holding the gun to Shane.
“You ain’t gonna do no damn thing Rick. You ain’t got it in you. You wouldn’t hurt a fly. I tell you what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna give me that gun and I’m gonna shoot your buddy in the face, just like I promised his brother I would, and you’re gonna watch it happen.” Shane lunged at his ex-partner, knocking the weapon from his hand. They scrambled around in the dirt, trying to retrieve the fallen Python. Finally, when Shane had lost all his patience, he slammed his fist into Rick’s skull as hard as he could and knocked him unconscious. Grabbing the gun he ran back to the cabin.
When he arrived, Daryl and Yvonne were sitting on the porch with their arms around each other. They didn’t know he was there until they heard the hammer click. “I hope ya’ll are saying your goodbyes” Yvonne stood in front of Daryl.
“Put the gun away Shane. It’s over, there’s no reason to do this.”
“The fuck there ain’t. Len was the only family I had. He was the only reason I came to this shit hole town. Now I got nothing. But I’d feel a whole lot better if Dixon was dead.” Just then, Rick came running around to the front of the cabin. Shane stepped back and started waiving the gun around at all three of them. “You think that the three of ya’ll can take me down? I’ll kill every damn one of ya and walk away. I got nothing to lose. Ya’ll don’t mean a thing to me and I ain’t going to prison for Merle Dixon. He ain’t even a blip on the radar.” He pointed the gun at Daryl. “I ain’t got nothing anymore man, ‘cause of you. Live with this.” In one quick motion, so quick that Daryl didn’t have the time to shield Yvonne from the sight, Shane put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger.