Not Desperate

Chapter 30
Self Help

One and a half weeks later

Yvonne sat quietly in the waiting room. She was nervous, on the verge of a panic attack. She anxiously rubbed her palms up and down her thighs, alternating with some slight rocking and covering her face with her hands. Daryl felt nervous for her. This was a big step she was taking, seeing a therapist. She should have been seeing one years ago, she would admit that, but it just seemed easier and less emotionally taxing to bottle it up and push it down. She didn’t have a choice anymore. She had to think of Michael and Daryl, and whether she liked it or not, herself. He held her hand and gave it a light squeeze, “You’re gonna be fine sweetheart. Everything is gonna be just fine. I’ll go back with you if you want, if it’ll make you feel better.”
She squeezed his hand back and said, “Thank you, but it’s gonna be hard enough for you to do this yourself, on your own. You don’t need to add my sessions to your list of things to deal with. I appreciate it, I really do. I love you for just coming with me today. I don’t know if I could have sat in this room all alone. Just having you here, sitting next to me, makes it almost bearable.” When the receptionist called her name, she stood, but before she could walk away, he stood with her.
“If at any point you need me in there with you, I’ll be there in a hot second, just have somebody come get me.”
“I will,” she said, and followed the girl to the last office on the right. “Dr. Harrison will be with you soon. Just make yourself comfortable.” She nodded her head in thanks to the young woman, and took the seat in front of the large oak desk. She nibbled on her thumb and lower lip, a habit she picked up from Daryl. Dr. Andrea Harrison entered the room a few minutes later, introducing herself and shaking Yvonne’s hand.
“I’ve read the police and hospital reports. I am truly sorry for everything you’ve been through,” Andrea said. “This is just and introductory session. I want us to get to know each other, just talk a little. Maybe we find out where to start. Maybe I can come up with a plan for treatment. I think we need to determine why you are here. Find out how I can help you accept what happened and move on.”
“Well,” Yvonne said, “I wasn’t raped, technically, so I’m not really sure why I’m having so much trouble with this.”
“What you experienced was terrifying, rape or not. Do you think, if you had been raped, you would have a better understanding of what’s going on?” Andrea asked her.
“I don’t know. He knocked me unconscious, kidnapped me, threatened to kill me, and would have raped me if Daryl hadn’t gotten there when he did.”
“Daryl? Is he the gentleman who came with you today?
“Yes.”
“What is Daryl to you? What part does he play in your life?” the doctor asked.
“I love him. He pulled me out of a pretty dark place. He loves me too. I’m too old to call him my boyfriend, but, we’re together.”
“How long have you been together?”
“Just a few months, not long, but long enough to know what we mean to each other.”
“I understand that his brother was killed that night.”
“Yes, I think that Merle’s death, added to what happened to me, has had more of an effect on him than he knows. He’s trying to help me and support me as much as he can. He needs to mourn his brother, and he’s focusing on me.”
“Do you feel guilty about that?”
“Yes. I want to help and support him as much as I can, but he won’t talk to me about what’s going on.”
“Maybe he should be seeing someone too. Do you think he will be willing to do that?”
“He has an appointment with Edwin Jenner next week. I think he will feel more comfortable seeing a stranger than talking with me.”
“Don’t let that upset you. You’re here with me aren’t you? As much as we would like to be everything to the person we love, we just can’t. No one is qualified for that job. Give each other what you can, as much as you can. That alone will help you get back to where you need to be. I’m here to help you get to the other side of this. Dr. Jenner will help Daryl do the dame. When the two of you have come through this, you will understand yourselves better, understand each other better.”
They spent the rest of the hour talking about their lives. Yvonne told her about Michael and that she had been married before. They both decided that that would be a topic for a future session. As Yvonne stood to leave, Andrea gave her an appointment card. “Come back on Friday. We’ll see if twice a week is needed or if just once a week would work better. I put my home and cell numbers on the back. Call me anytime you need me. It doesn’t matter when. That’s what I’m here for.” They hugged each other and Andrea walked with her back to the waiting room. Yvonne introduced her to Daryl and they shook hands.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Dixon. I hope you don’t mind, but I read the police report as it pertains to Ms. Bradley’s treatment. I just want to say that I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother.”
“Thank you ma’am.”
“Please, call me Andrea. I would also like to say that she is a very blessed woman to have someone who loves her and cares about her as much as you do.”
Daryl blushed and looked at the floor. “I would do anything for her.”
Andrea smiled. “And indeed you have.” She hugged Yvonne once more. “I’ll see you on Friday. And remember, call me if you need me. Don’t hesitate.”
“I promise,” Yvonne answered. As she and Daryl made their way to his truck, he put his arms around her waist to keep her close. He didn’t ask about what happened back there or what they talked about, but he was almost dying of curiosity.
As though reading his mind, Yvonne asked, “Do you want to know what we talked about?” He wondered if he said yes would she think he was being too nosy.
“If you want to tell me sweetheart, I won’t stop you, but don’t feel like you have to. It’s not required.”
“I want to. I think it will help us both.” Daryl gave her a slight nod, letting her know she could continue. “She said today was just for introductions, she wants us to know more about each other. She thinks that might help her make a plan for treatment. We talked about Michael and I told her that I was married before. I think she’s gonna want to talk about that later on . . . and we talked about you.” He assumed they would. He knew the police report would play a major role in her sessions, and he was all over the police report like the ink on the page.
“Let me guess. She wanted to know where she could find a hot, sexy redneck of her own?” Yvonne laughed, and good fucking lord it was the most beautiful sound in the world. He had missed that sound and was determined to hear it more often.
“Yeah, well, I told her you’re the only hot, sexy redneck left in these parts. Said that she would have to look elsewhere.” He sighed sarcastically.
“I hope she don’t go all stalker on my fine ass. I’ll have to let her down real gentle.” He let the silence follow his quip and then brought them back to the conversation at hand. “So, what did ya’ll say about me, really?”
“She wanted to know who you are to me. What part you play in my life.” He swallowed hard, anticipating her answer. She continued, “I told her that you’re the man I love, who loves me and we’re together.” He wasn’t sure what to say to that. It was true, every word of it and he was happy to hear her say it.
He settled for, “We belong to each other,” and let the silence take them again.
“Please don’t be mad, but I told her you were seeing Dr. Jenner next week.”
“Why would I be mad about that? This is a good thing, right? Whatever she needs to know to help you I will gladly tell her. Any information she wants, if it helps you heal, is fine by me.”
“I told her because after reading the police report, she thought you might need to see someone too.”
“Well, I am. Maybe it will help me too. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
Her appointment had been in the afternoon, and by the time it was over, it was almost time to pick up Michael from school. They headed that way and got there just as the bell went off. He had a bit of math homework and had to write an eight line poem for English class. Daryl agreed to help him with the math, if his mom would work with him on the poem. The math was pretty easy for him. He had always been good with numbers and could do most of it in his head. Yvonne was better with words. Hers always sounded better on paper, than coming out of her mouth though. Michael had started developing a talent for writing, and she was so proud of that. She had wanted to be a writer since she was fourteen and even had a bachelors degree in English. She hadn’t been able to see her dream flourish, however, because David thought that being a writer as a pussy, liberal thing to be.
Once the homework was done, Daryl went to the backyard and fired up the grill. They were having hamburgers and hotdogs for dinner. He was a master of the bar-b-que and was on his way to making this a weekly ritual. Dinner conversation consisted mostly of Michael telling them about his day; he had music class, and that was his favorite. They watched a movie after the dishes were cleaned, and soon it was time for Michael to go to bed. Once he was asleep, Yvonne found Daryl outside on the back porch lighting a smoke. “Hey handsome, got one of those for me?” He lit another and placed it against her lips. He stood behind her and wrapped his arm around her. Ever since they left Dr. Harrison’s office, she had something on her mind, something she had forgotten about since that night.
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
“Of course darlin’. Ask me anything.”
“You may not want to talk about this, and if you don’t, I understand, but I need to know the answer, okay?” He turned her to face him.
“You know a lot of shit about me. Don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t tell you now.” They walked over to the deck chairs and sat down facing each other.
“That night, Len said something about you, and I just want to know if it’s true.” His heart stopped beating for a moment. He had done a lot of shit with those boys before his best friend became a sheriff’s deputy. Mostly because Merle forced him to, he didn’t want his baby brother to turn into a pussy, now did he? He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what part of it all she had found out about.
“What did he say?” he asked angrily. His anger wasn’t directed at her, but the dead asshole who, even beyond the grave, was determined to destroy everything he had built with this woman.
“He said that he would have been willing to share me with you, because you had shared women in the past.” Daryl flew out of his seat.
“Fuck! That is bullshit! I’ve never shared a woman with anyone, and if I had it wouldn’t have been a woman he had ever touched.”
“He touched me,” she said quietly. He stopped and knelt in front of her.
“You were mine, are mine. You and I belonged to each other long before he ever had the chance to touch you. I don’t share with any man.”
“Then what did he mean by that?” He calmed and sat down across from her.
“There was this girl we went to high school with. She was real pretty, not a snob, not stuck up. She’d talk to me sometimes, always real nice. Her name was Jennifer. The guys knew I liked her, Rick and T-Dog did too. They all encouraged me to ask her out on a date, but I just didn’t have the balls to do it. Talking to me is one thing, agreeing to be alone with me, is another. I knew she’d say no, so I never asked. The night we graduated, I was hanging out with Rick and T. We were out in this field not far from where T lived. We were drinking beer, making plans for the future, having a good time. Then Tony pulls up and tells me that Merle is looking for me. He said that Merle had something for me. He didn’t go to the ceremony, so I thought he was trying to make up for that. I got in the truck with him and he took me to this mill that had been closed for twenty years. Merle, Joe and the boys did a lot of business out of that mill, so I didn’t question it when we got there. I didn’t see Merle’s truck, but I didn’t think it was a big deal, figured he’d caught a ride with somebody.
When we walked in, he took me downstairs to where the boiler room was. I could hear voices, but couldn’t tell who they belonged to. Then I saw Len, bent over something laying on the ground. When he stood up, I saw Jennifer, half-naked, beaten and handcuffed to one of the pipes. Len said she was a graduation present. He said that he was sick and tired of hearing me talk about how pretty I thought she was and how much I wanted her, and since he had balls and I didn’t, he thought he’d help me out. He was holding a knife to her throat. Told me that if I was too much of a pussy when she’s ready and waiting for me, he’d just kill us both and call it a day.”
He hadn’t ever told anybody about this. Not Merle especially, and he doubted if Joe had ever known exactly what happened, but he was sure that he had been the one who had taken care of everything afterward. He glanced up at her to see how she was reacting. Her face held no emotion, no sadness, and no anger. Just interest and concern, so he lit another cigarette and continued.
“I told him I’d do it if he put the knife away. He said he would once he knew I wasn’t bullshittin’. I bent down and touched her. I knew she was scared, she started crying and trying to get away from me. Eventually, Len put the knife down and moved over to where the rest of the boys were watching the whole thing. I kept telling her I was sorry, that I never meant for any of this to happen. I told her I didn’t want this, that I wasn’t gonna hurt her. I guess she finally realized that I wasn’t a part of what was happening and that I didn’t know that Len had planned it. I was trying to get her to relax, calm her down. She knew what was going to happen, she knew that I’d have to fuck her, and she let it happen. She didn’t fight me in the end. I fucked her and she just laid there and let it happen. She knew it was the only way we’d stay alive. After it was all over, I just left. I didn’t see her again after that night.” He paused, and Yvonne could see his eyes start to water. “They found her body, two months later, in some woods a hundred miles away.” He broke down then, and Yvonne cradled him in her arms.
That is why he went into animal mode when he found Len on top of her. “Seeing you tied up like that, seeing him on you . . . . . it made me think of her. I didn’t take the chance to save her. I left her behind for them to kill. I couldn’t live with knowing what he’d done to her, what he’d made me do to her. I needed to get revenge for her and I couldn’t let him do to you what he had done to her. I didn’t love Jennifer, but what happened to her tore me up inside. He had to know what he’d done. He had to be punished, he had to die.” Yvonne didn’t say a word, she just let him cry.
They sat there, arms around each other, for quite a while. When he stopped crying she stood, taking him with her. She walked him into the house and to her bedroom. He just stood there, almost catatonic, and let her undress him. She put him to bed and turned off the lights. She climbed in behind him and held him in her arms. “I love you more than you could ever imagine,” she whispered in his ear and felt his body relax as he fell asleep.