Mind Overdoes

It was raining hard outside. The loud banging of thunder and the bright spark in the sky always looked beautiful to me. The wind was abusing the trees. The looked like they were about to be pulled from their roots and be whipped by the wind. Never in my life could I relate to nature until now. The rain was my tears, the occasional were my screams, the wind was my memories, and my mind was the trees. The wind kept attacking the trees. Just like the memories kept attacking my mind.

I felt like I had no control and I absolutely hate that feeling. The thoughts and memories wouldn’t stop. I can imagine him thrusting into me. I can hear his moans in my ear. I let out a scream. I gripped the sheets on my bed and screamed again. Why me? I glanced at the TV and I could see my reflection. My eyes were red and puffy, my face was red and I look broken. Never more in my life I wanted to die. I just wanted to die, or disappeared. Now I feel lost, empty, scarred, angry, sad, the list could go on and on.

Then the doctor walked back in. He had a nurse and what look like a police officer. The police officer was a young female. She has her dark hair into a pony tail. Her skin was dark. She had black hair and brown eyes. She was very pretty. She had a notepad in her hand and her lips were moving. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying to me. I shook my head and let out a pained groan.

“Alex, sweetie can you tell me what happened?” The officer asked gently, as if I was glass and I was about to break. I hated when people did that. I bit my lip to hold back a sob. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” I sob. I fucking lost it. Something about that one word releases all of my emotions. I started to fiddle with my fingers. Looking down feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself, I felt dirty and worthless. I looked up and look the officer right in the eye.

“What’s the point of living?” I ask raising my hands and dropping them back to my lap. She cocked her head to the left. “What’s the point? There isn’t one. We live to die. Some people die to live, some people live to die. But me, I just want to die. I want it all to stop. The voices, the memories, the flashbacks, my heart, my lungs everything I just want it to stop.” Tears pool out of my eyes. Not long after I’m full on sobbing. The room was silent. It wasn’t awkward, it wasn’t comforting, it was deafening more than anything.

“Alex,” The officer coaxed. “Tell us what happened darling we are here to help you.” I sniffle while tears continue to pump out tears. I’m shock that there are tears left. I could have cried a river, if I’m being honest.

“Well, my dad raped me. When I was five is when he started abusing us. He sexual assaulted my sister, raped her even, he killed her.” I whispered. I scream as I remember my older sister Brittney. She was a good girl, why did he have to kill her. She died at the age of 13. I was only 9 at the time.

“I remember watching him thrust into her while she screamed.” I grabbed a fist full of the sheets.

“She was begging for my mom to help her but she wouldn’t. She just stood there.” I said through clenched teeth. “I was hiding in the closet, I was afraid I was next. Then she tried to scream and he grabbed her throat, and he didn’t let go.” I whimper. The officer put her hand on my leg. I took a deep breath. I could do this. They need to catch this monster.

“After he killed her he buried her in the back yard. Then he started to abuse me and my mom, well he always has just it got worse. He’d get drunk every night blaming us for her death. Ever since I was four I’ve been abused.”

“No one ever noticed?” She asked. I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

“Oh they noticed, just didn’t care.” Silence. “Then recently,” tears welled in my eyes. “he beat me up pretty bad. I blacked out even. When I woke up I called my boyfriend. When I did he broke up with me so I screamed because he was the only source of happiness I had. He was the only thing keeping me alive.” She nods. “So my dad said scream again and I’ll kill you, and I screamed again.”

“You wanted him to kill you?” I nod. “I don’t want to live anymore, I’m just so done.” I say exasperated. The doctor finally brings me a glass of water. The officer gets up and tells the doctor that they need to talk. I sit there drinking the cold water. It soothes my burning throat. I glance around my room and take note that it’s still raining.

“I bet I’ve cried more tears than rain drops.” I whisper then I chuckle. A few minutes of me day dreaming I come back to reality. The officer walks into the room with the doctor.

“Alex, we have to send you inpatient.” He says firmly. He says his lips in a thin line.

“No.” I say simply. “My mom won’t approve of this.” I argued. Then I saw something in his eyes, it was pity. “Where’s my mom?” I ask nervously. My voice cracks probably from crying so much.

“She’s nowhere to be found. Police are looking for her though Alex.” I nod. I was in shock when I didn’t cry. Maybe I finally ran out of tears. “I’m sorry Alex, we have to send you inpatient you are a danger to yourself.” He says. I shrug and mutter a ‘whatever.’ I stared at the wall and then all of a sudden I see a picture.

“Mommy’ I see my four year old self call out. I watch as Brittney runs in. She her blonde hair had pig tails in it. She was missing her two front teeth.

“Mom,” I see her call. My mom was lying down on the floor. I remember this day. I thought she was dead. I kept watching Brittney. God I missed her so much. I waved to her but she just kept staring at my mom.

“Brittney!” I yelled. She couldn’t hear me.

“Is mommy dead?” my four year old self asked. Brittney chuckled.

“No Mommy just does this sometimes.” I covered my hand over my mouth. I slide down the wall in the corner of the kitchen.

“I miss you Brittney. I love you so much.” Tears finally come out of my sore and red eyes. “Oh god, mom.” I whimper. I wish they could hear me.

“What are you fuckers doing?” I heard my dad yell. He had a beer bottle in his hand. He walked over and kicked my mom in the stomach. Her lifeless body just took it. He grabbed my sister by her pony tail. He pulled her close to his body and moaned. “You are beautiful.” He whispered in her ear.

“Get away from her!” I yell but of course he can’t hear me. No one can, I’m just reliving a memory. Four year old me looks very confused.

“Thank you daddy,” Brittney says. “That’s very nice of you.”
“Anything for my princess,” he says as he plays with her hair. He twists it around his fat fingers and
kisses her cheek.

Snapping back into reality hurt. I didn’t want to live in my memories but I don’t want to live out here either. I looked around and noticed I was in a dark room. Was I dreaming? There was no clock in the room, so I couldn’t tell the time. I got up and turned the knob to walk out of the strange room. Maybe this was a dream. I saw what looked like nurses standing at a station.

“Hey,” I called. They all snapped their attention to me. They all ran towards me.

“Are you okay sweetie what’s wrong?” They ask in a hurry.

“Where am I?” I ask. They let out a deep breathe.

“How come you don’t know where you are?” A nurse asks. I read her name tag and it says Ayana. I shrug at her question.

“I was just lost in my mind I guess and next thing I knew I was here.” I let out a yawn, I guess I’m tired.

“Honey, you’re in a mental hospital.” Nurse Ayana says. my eyes widen.

“I’m not supposed to be here.” I say quickly.

“Alex Gaskarth right, yep rooming with Jack, you’re supposed to be here.” I glanced around searching for an exit. I quickly find one. Then all of a sudden I’m running towards it.

“Code gray,” I hear a lady’s voice of the announcement scream. I’m so close to the exit. When I get there I open the door and continue to run. Behind me were more nurses and a doctor. The doctor caught up to me and tackled me on to the ground. Then all of a sudden I felt a pinch in my butt. Everything started to get hazy. I felt high and weird. I started to lose feeling in my legs and feet.

“I’m not supposed to be here.” I start to cry.

“It’s okay, you’re going to be okay.” The doctor coaxed. I nod slowly.

“Okay.” Then what felt like the millionth time in my life, I black out.