Mind Overdoes

Chapter 4- Why Are You Here?

I sit in my room. They had to put both I and Jack in confinement because we are risking ‘others people safety.’ I rolled my eyes. The room I was in didn’t have real walls or floors. It was made out of padding. There wasn’t a window so I can’t tell what time of day it is. I sat there bored with nothing to do. I tried not to think about my father. I tried to think about Jack a little. Why is he like that? Why does he want to kill everyone? Was he raped? More questions ran through my mind. Then another question hit me.

Where’s my mom. Hopefully she’s alive and is hiding from that monster and not six feet under. Tears welled up in my eyes just at the thought of my mom being dead. She is my best and only friend. She was the first person I told that I was gay. She understood it. I remember crying about it while she laughed and said ‘I don’t care honey’. After that we drank some hot chocolate and then he came home. I close my eyes and rest my head on the wall.

“Have you seen this girl?” I can imagine asking someone in a desperate attempt to find my mother. I imagine them saying no. I see myself on the verge of tears because I am so frustrated. I snap back open my eyes and try to forget about the scenario I just created in my mind. My heart was racing and I could hear it pounding in my ears. My breathing was heavy and ragged. Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead. I grasp my chest desperate for air to fill them. My stomach was filled with what felt like nerves. Why am I nervous? Then luckily a nurse walks in.

“Can’t breathe.” I gasp out. My chest was burning and I was scared. My arms and legs were shaking uncontrollably. The nurse walked over to me kneeled down to me.

“What’s wrong?” She asks.

“Can’t breathe,” She gave me an uneasy smile.

“Honey you’re just having a panic attack. Just do what I do.” She takes a deep breath and so do I. We do that for ten more times and I finally breathe again. “You have process in a few minutes so you better eat your breakfast I brought in.” She gave me a reassuring smile and squeezed my hand. She had brought me waffles and an orange, and apple juice. I smiled and thanked her for her help and for bring me food.

“No problem kid, just get better.” She says then she leaves. I start to eat the waffles with my hands and I didn’t realize how hungry I was before then. After my third bite of my first waffle the door opens. I choke when I see Shannon and Jack. Why is he here? Jack laughs while Shannon shakes her head and walks towards me and pats my back making sure that I won’t die. We sit in a circle Jack is sitting so close to me our knees brush.

“So your behavior was inappropriate and it’s not acceptable. So as your punishment you two boys get to have process with just us for the next week and if you keep this act up it will be until one of you guys are discharged.” Jack and I groan simultaneously. She shrugs. “It’s what I got to do.” I don’t want Jack getting to know me and my deepest darkest secrets. But I sit there and say nothing and neither does Jack. Jack seems different. He looked calmer and he wasn’t fighting with me. Something must be wrong or they sedated him.

“Okay,” Shannon says breaking the silence. “Let’s tell each other why you guys are here.”

“Why are you here?” He asked. I bit my lip and debated whether or wheatear not I wanted to tell him.

“I’m suicidal.” I say shyly. I never did like sharing my emotions or showing them. I feel like it just annoys people.

“I’m homicidal.” He shrugs. Shannon smiles and there’s a sparkle in her eye.

“Great guys I’m proud!” She says enthusiastically. I roll my eyes while Shannon did check in.

“How was your night last night?” She asks Jack.

“Boring? And before you ask me yes I was clean, yes I was safe, no suicidal thoughts, and homicidal thoughts were about an eight considering yesterday events.” She nods and writes it on her piece of paper. Then she looks at me expectantly.

“I still want to die.” I shrug. She nods and writes it down. She puts down her notebooks and collapses her hands together. She has a smile on her face.

“Okay who wants to start?” Jack and I point at each other simultaneously. She chuckles. “Jack you first.” She then says. I smirk as Jack groans.

“Where to begin,” he asked smiling. Shannon returns the smile.

“How about the delightful story about why you got sent inpatient?” He let out a sigh and shook his head no. “I mean I know why you’re here but you have to talk about it Jack. It’s okay.” I glanced at Jack and his eyes were glossy. He bit his lip as a tear slid down is cheek. I felt something in my stomach. It was pity. Jack seems like a tough cry and seeing him cry is like seeing a rock cry. Shocking.

“I-I” He stuttered.

“Why are you like this?” Shannon pushed. Jack got up and started pacing around the room. Not a word was spoken. Jack tugs and pulls at the jet black part of his hair.

“She lied to me.” His voice broke. “She’d say she would come back she never came back.” I glance at Shannon and I take note that she has her eyes close and takes a deep breathe.

“Jack what are you feeling right now?”

“I’m feeling anxious obviously.” He says. He punches the wall in frustration. “Why didn’t she love me? Am I unlovable?”

“Maybe if you weren’t such an asshole you wouldn’t have this problem.” I thought, but who is ‘she’?

“No.” Shannon says quickly. “Before I give my feedback Alex what do you think?” I sat there in silence.

“Umm… I-I don’t know what he’s talking about who’s she?” I ask.

“My girlfriend,” He said plainly. “She cheated on me. She said she would visit me here and she never came back.” I nod in understanding.

“Why?” I dare to ask. He stopped in his tracks right in front of me and looks me in the eyes. He shrugs and a pitiful laugh comes out of his mouth.

“She had a baby with another guy. That whore.” He says in disgust. “I went into the room and caught her cheating on me.” He bit his lip. “She was the love of my life. She was the perfect girl for me. Without her it felt like I wasn’t able to breathe. She was my sunshine on a rainy day. She was my everything but in the matter of seconds, she turned into nothing."

"Then she goes and gets pregnant with before said other guy. So I lost my shit and tried to kill him. Oh wait did I mentioned my parents got a divorce? Yeah that kind of got me wanting to kill too. I felt like it was all of my brother’s fault and the only way to fix it if he just disappeared.” He inhales then exhales. “Anyway, then the guy I tried to kill called the cops and then they sent me here.” I nod slowly. He must be in a lot of pain and he defiantly truly loved her if he went through all that.

He tried to kill the guy for Christ sake. Shannon nods and stares off into the distance.

“Your heart is broken and you need to learn how to cope with it Jack. And it wasn’t your brothers fault why your parents got divorced.” She said softly. Jack finally sat down. After that he curled into a ball and cried.

“I loved her.” He sobbed ignoring the last part.

“I know baby.” Shannon cooed rubbing circles on his back. “You’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.” He sobs for about 15 minutes then he’s done. “Okay Mrs. Mckenna will be here in a minute to do activities with you guys.” She smiles. I give her a small smile. “Oh, and next process Jack if you still want to talk you can, but if not Alex it’s your turn.” She gets up walking carefully in her way too high heels.

“Opps, sorry.” I hear her say. A blonde lady walks into the room with a smile as Shannon exits.

“I’m Mrs. Mckenna.” She says the smile never leaving her face. She had a bored game and a few papers in her hand. “Today we are going to be playing a bored game about self-esteem.” Jack and I do nothing. The room was in a dead silence. The white light illuminates the room, the green ‘walls’ looked a bluish greenish color.

“How’s your self-esteem Alex right?” I nod and shrug. How is my self-esteem? Do I even like myself? To be honest I find myself disgusting. I’m too fat, my hair is too long, and in general I think I’m just an ugly person. After years of one person saying that to you, you start to believe it.

“Pretty shitty,” I say with a chuckle. Jack laughs also. His eyes were red and swollen. His hair was all over the place. He just looks so cute and cuddly. His brown eyes were filled with nothingness. “Kind of like my life.” I say. Jack starts laughing. Then I start laughing then we both couldn’t stop.

“That’s a little inappropriate Mr. Gaskarth.” She says. I shrug not really caring. Jack sat next to me our knees brushing once again.

“Don’t think we’re friends because we’re not. I still hate you.”