Mind Overdoes

Chapter 5- Self-Esteem

“Who wants to start?” Mckenna asks. Jack points to me and I shrug. She passes out red rectangular cards.

‘Name four things you like about yourself.” I read out loud. I raised an eyebrow at the strange lady. She gave me a warm smile.

“Go on.” She waves.

“I like my hair,” I start. Then that was it. I really didn’t like much about myself. I can thank my father for that. Every day of my life he would tell me how ugly and pathetic I was. Mckenna looked at me expectantly.

“That was one, just in case you didn’t know how to count.” Jack shot. I rolled my eyes at that ass-hole remark.

“Jack, don’t be rude.” Mckenna hisses. He shrugs.

“No it’s okay.” I smile. “I don’t like myself a lot I guess.” I shrug my caramel hair falling in front of my face. “After being abused for all of your life and being put down I guess my self-esteem is probably in the depths of hell because it’s so low.” I chuckle. I glance at Jack and he has pity in his eyes.

“Don’t do that Jack.” I snap. “Don’t feel bad for me.” He chuckles.

“I don’t even like you. Why would I feel bad for you?” he argues. I smirk.

“Whatever, you say.” Then Jack read his card out loud.

“Say three things nice about yourself and the person on your left.” Jack glances up at me and groans.

“Can I get a different card?” He pleads. With a smirk playing on Mckenna’s face she shakes her head no. She sucks in her lips and then makes a popping sound with them.

“I’m funny, smart, and witty and there’s nothing nice to say about Alex.” He says quickly. My cheeks start to tint red. I nod in understanding. He was right there was absolutely nothing.

“There has to be something.” Mckenna pushed. Jack scoffed.

“The first thing they told me here was not to lie, so why should I start?” He argued. He had a good point.

“It’s okay he doesn’t have to say anything.” I butt in. She nods.

“I hate you.” He grumbles.

“I hate me too.” Jack looks up at me and so does Kenna. The room was dead silent.

“So the help with your self-esteem you can use positive self-affirmations.” She smiles breaking the silence. I raise my eyebrow while I hear Jack groan ‘bullshit’. “You have to write down ten things you like about yourself on this piece of paper.” She hands out a piece of blank piece of paper. “Even if you don’t believe it then say it three times a day.” I nod. She starts packing up her stuff. I start to get jealous because she can leave this room and I can’t.

“When can I leave this room?” I ask. She glances at her watch. Then she shrugs.

“Not sure.” Then she stands in front of the door waiting for the next person to arrive. I turned towards Jack sitting crossed legged. Our legs were still touching.

“What do your tattoos mean?” I ask trying to make conversation because I’ve realized I never really had one with Jack. Then again why would I want to?

“Stop flirting with me I’m not gay.” He says with a roll of his eyes. I rolled my eyes and then thought of an idea. I crawl into his body.

“Are you sure?” I whisper in his ear. His eyes go wide and his breathing speeds up.

“I-I- Um… Alex.” He stutters. I sit back down cross legged and chuckle. Jack runs his hand through his hair. Shannon comes back in and sits in front of us.

“Jack, are you okay?” She asks. Jack nods quickly. I start laughing. Shannon raises an eyebrow and I just shake my head. “Okay then,” she says. “I got your self-esteem papers and we’re going to spend our second process group talking about self-esteem, instead of our original plan.” She says excitedly.

“Alex, let’s start with you.” She says shuffling papers around.

“Okay… What am I supposed to say?” I ask. She lets out a thinking noise.

“How about why, you hate yourself?” She says. I nod.

“I hate myself because of my father. He would tell me how ugly and pathetic I am. Once someone tells you that everyday then you go to school and people don’t deny what he says but confirms it you start to believe it.” I say simply.

“So you were bullied?” She says. I nod. She scribbles something down on her notepad. The room is in silence the only thing you hear is Shannon writing. She rips out the paper and hands it to me.

“You are an amazing guy,” I read the note out loud. “You are beautiful from the inside out. I love you.” I chuckled and Jack started to laugh.

“This is cute, thank you.” I felt my cheeks start to heat up. Jack was laughing but I had a feeling for a different reason.

“Jack your turn.” After he done laughing he goes serious. His lips are pressed into a thin line.

“My self-esteem isn’t low. On a scale of 1 to 10 I’m like an 8.”

“Arrogant asshole,” I mutter. Shannon nods completely ignoring my remark.

“Are you sure?” She pushed. He nods. “Okay we have enough time to talk about why you are here Alex.” She pauses. “And you can talk about your father.”

“So um, I’m here because I told my dad to kill me I guess.” I pause. Tears start to well up in my eyes. “I told him to kill me. I wanted to die. My boyfriend had just broken up with me after my dad beat me till I blacked out.” One tear streamed down my left cheek. “He said scream one more time and I’ll fucking kill you and I did.” I glance down then look Shannon in the eyes. “Why didn’t he kill me?” I whimper. Shannon quickly writes something down and looks me dead in the eye.

“Why do you want to die?” she ask.

“Why do you want to live?” I shot back. She looks taken aback.

“I want to live to be happy.” She answers. I nod.

“That’s why I want to die, so I can finally be happy. You’re a therapist right? You help people with their minds and shit right?” I ask. She nods. “Kill me because I know I can’t be saved. You can’t fix me and I know that you can’t. I just have to wait for you for you to see that.” I answer. Then she asks the same question again.

“Why do you want to die?” Jack stays silent. I glance at him and he’s already staring at me.

“I want to die to be happy. I want the memories to stop. I want his voice in my head to be silent. I want no I need for all this hatred and sadness to go. Sometimes I feel nothing and other times I feel everything I get so overwhelmed and I just can’t. Sometimes I can’t tell if I am even alive. He would hit me and hit me and I already feel dead. I feel dead. So why not let that feeling be true?” I rant. She nods.

“Wouldn’t you do anything to have the pain to stop?” I ask. She nods honestly. I was shocked when she did. More tears start to stream down my face.

“I used to be just like you. All you need is a little sunshine instead of all this rain.” She whispers with a small smile.
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