A Sense of Wonder

The Senator was deceivingly high spirited during her final days. So much so that it made everyone think the end was no longer upon her. They thought she had another month or two left, perhaps even longer if she consented to undergo chemotherapy. Her staff members hoped she would make it to the end of her elected term, which was incredibly optimistic, considering she still had over two and a half years to go. Her daughter prayed she would be around long enough to see her grandson graduate from Berkeley. That was a bit more realistic, his graduation was only three months away, so if she went through with the chemo, she might just be around long enough to see him walk across that stage. The problem was that the Senator refused to put herself through chemo. She had refused seven and a half months earlier, when the cancer had first been discovered, and refused several more times throughout the course of the last few months.

After all, it wasn’t like the chemo was going to do away with the cancer. Had that been the case, she would’ve gladly subjected herself to it, but the oncologists she consulted with had clearly explained that the chemotherapy would not force the cancer into remission. It would simply serve to prolong her life. By how much, they didn’t know, but they did expect it would give her at least another month or so, but that wasn’t good enough for the Senator. In her mind, it was pointless to submit herself to that hell just to get a little more time. It wouldn’t be worth it. The added days wouldn’t even be enjoyable. They’d be wretched things, she’d be confided to her home, she’d be pitiful, and the entire world would know her days were limited and that was something she could not allow. She refused to give the California Republicans a head start on the primary process, and she sure as hell didn’t want her fellow Democrats lusting after her seat while she still lived. And most importantly, she didn’t want to worry her daughter or burden her grandchildren. Her cancer was a matter best left between herself and her personal assistant.

Had it been at all possible, it would’ve been a matter best kept to herself, but cancer was a cruel mistress. It took the color from her cheeks and robbed her of her strength. It forced her to become more reliant on her personal assistant, and as such, she confided the truth to Paulina. It wasn’t gently delivered, there was no coffee or wine to soften the blow. The Senator simply waited for them be alone in her Senate office, and when they were, she informed her of the situation. Her voice didn’t tremble as she spoke, nor did her eyes water, she simply looked annoyed, irritated that the cancer had thwarted her plans of becoming the longest serving United States Senator.

Although the Senator wasn’t emotional in her delivery, Paulina was in her reaction. At first, she sat there in silence, utterly baffled as to what she’d just heard. There was no way the Senator was dying. She couldn’t be! She was fucking Ethel Stevenson, the senior United States Senator from California. She was an influential political player, she was the woman that Paulina had literally devoted her life to, and she could not be dying. And Paulina told her that. She blurted out that she couldn’t be dying. That she was going to take her to City of Hope in California, and they were going to sort her out, and as she told her all that, her eyes brimmed with tears, because she hated the damn news.

“Save those tears.” The Senator told Paulina. “We have work to do, arrangements to finalize.”

Paulina suggested that perhaps that task might be best suited for the Senator’s daughter, but the Senator was quick to shoot down that suggestion. She explicitly informed Paulina that her daughter was to remain ignorant of her condition, she informed her that no one was to know about the cancer, its existence would be their secret, and despite thinking that the Senator was making a mistake, Paulina went along with it.

In the months following the revelation, she took her duties as a personal assistant to an entirely new level. She became the chauffeur, the cook, the laundress, the housekeeper, and in the last two months that the Senator spent in Washington, Paulina moved into the Senator’s house with Thea, and became her constant companion and closest confidant. It was an arrangement that raised suspicions in Washington. It was obvious to everyone that something wasn’t right with the Senator. She had lost an alarming amount of weight, she no longer bustled through the corridors like she once had, and her last filibuster had only lasted three hours. Something was up, but no one knew what. The only person that knew was Paulina, and despite being pestered by her coworkers, she never hinted at what was going on. She was devoted to her duty to the Senator, she had vowed to serve her to the best of her ability, that was why she kept the secret, that was why, when the Senator fainted in the middle of a speech before the Senate, Paulina rushed onto the floor and kept her safe until the paramedics arrived. She sat at her side while the ambulance rushed them to the hospital, she paced around the lobby while the doctors examined her, and when the Senator was discharged from the hospital, she was the one that drove her home, she was the one who packed a travel bag, she was the one who drove the Senator to the nearest airport so that they could get on a flight home to California, because if the end was near, then she was going to take her home to die. And she was going to stay with her until end.

On the good days, on the bad days, she was there. She was there when the Senator’s daughter couldn’t be, when the grandchildren were nowhere to be found, when the friends had gone. She was always there at her side. Sometimes she read to her, sometimes she talked, and still, more often than not, she would simply sit there and listen to the Senator ramble about days gone by. She told Paulina stories that had been long forgotten, told her about the alliances that she had formed, of the enemies that had been made, and of the struggle of being a woman in national politics, and sometimes, when the Senator felt particularly nostalgic, she would tell Paulina about her late husband. She would tell her their story, reminisce about their life together. It had been a long time since the Senator talked about him. He had passed away two years earlier from a heart attack, and the Senator had immersed herself in her work to keep herself from truly feeling his loss, but now that she was reaching her end, she reminisced and longed for him. Now that her days were limited, she dared to feel, she dared to talk about the awkward teenager that stumbled over his words whenever he conversed with her, she dared to talk about how he had been an extraordinary man who had supported her political endeavors wholeheartedly, but she only ever talked about him to Paulina.

That was a testament to the special bond they had. Their relationship might have started off shaky, but it had grown into one of the upmost confidence. In the early days, Senator Ethel Stevenson had been distrustful of Paulina. She had taken her on simply because she had given Ted her word. She had promised that she would employ the young woman as her personal assistant and teach her the ropes, but despite that, she had reservations regarding the young woman’s ability. She worried that the Harvard graduate might think herself a cut above the company. She worried that since Paulina had been a favorite of Ted’s and since she was highly praised by Warren, she might not be willing to pull her weight. It was with those concerns that she took Paulina on, and wanting to ascertain whether or not she was worth keeping around, she assigned her the tasks that everyone hated. She made her work long hours, gave her the worst assignments, and constantly pushed her to do more. She knew she was asking a lot of the young woman. She was treating her worse than she did the interns, but the Senator needed to know that she could be trusted, she needed to know that she would be an asset to her, because if she wasn’t, then there was no point in keeping her around. And as the days went by, she closely monitored Paulina’s progress, she expected her to cave under the pressure, but she never did.

That’s not to say Paulina enjoyed the work. She fucking hated it. There were times when she seriously considered resigning, when she contemplated whether or not she’d be better off asking Warren for work, but the Balcázar pride kept her from doing so. It refused to allow her to quit, because if her father had worked three jobs to save up enough money to bring over his wife and son from Mexico, if her mother had crossed a desert with a seventeen month old child, then surely Paulina could run around Washington and deliver better work than what was demanded of her. It was that commitment to her work, that pursuit of excellence that impressed Senator Stevenson. And after a year of getting the shit jobs, Paulina was elevated in her confidence, and it wasn’t long until she was the favorite assistant. It wasn’t long until she became indispensable to the Senator.

Paulina took great pride in that. She loved being the one that accompanied the Senator to hearings and meeting, she loved being the one that traveled with her, that represented the Senator when she couldn’t be there, and despite the fact that she hated seeing the Senator so helpless, she was honored to have been at her side during those final days.

Those days were a testament to their relationship. Paulina devoted herself to not only making the Senator comfortable, but to comforting her daughter and grandchildren. It was an exhausting time for her, especially since Thea was in Massachusetts with Francis, but she never let on that she was tired or sad. She always reminded herself of what the Senator had told her. Save those tears. We have work to do. And so she saved her tears. She would cry after the Senator had been buried, not before then.

That was why she worked tirelessly to ensure that the Senator’s last wishes would be carried out. She was the one who was in direct contact with the funeral home, the one who informed them of what casket the Senator wanted and what urn the ashes would go in. She was also going to be the one who would be in charge of the actual funeral. Initially, the Senator’s daughter had argued that she ought to be the one to coordinate it, but the Senator told her that it wouldn’t be right to put that pressure on her while she was grieving. It was best for her to mourn and not worry about trivial details, and even if it wasn’t actually what was best, it was what the Senator wanted and that was the only thing that mattered. So the Senator’s daughter gave up trying to plan the funeral and Paulina was left to carry it out.

“Tell me, has the Mayor approved my request or is he still being an asshole about it?” inquired Senator Steven during her final hours.

“He approved it,” replied Paulina from her place beside the bed.

“How many days?” was the Senator’s following question.

“Initially, one.”

“Did you accept?”

“I told him he was a fool if he thought one day would be enough for the state to pay tribute to you.” Paulina had actually told him that he was fucking crazy, but she left that out. “He countered by saying that if I was so adamant about you being honored by the state that I ought to make arrangements for you to lay in repose in Sacramento. Naturally, I took offense and threatened to inform the citizens of San Francisco and the media that the current Mayor had no respect for the legendary Ethel Stevenson whom served three consecutive terms as Mayor before running for the United States Senate.” She smiled smugly. “After that, he was much more agreeable. He consented to two days, and even offered to provide an honor guard comprised of SFPD and SFFD.”

“I can’t believe we didn’t think to request that.”

“Neither could I,” agreed Paulina. “But even if they hadn’t been offered, you would still have The Old Guard standing watch.”

“The President really is sending them?” It was then that the Senator’s eyes flooded with tears. “All these years, I dreamt that when my time came, the President would send The Old Guard, but I never thought it would actually happen. They’re reserved for only the highest ranking officials.”

“That’s what you are, Ma’am.” She shifted in her chair. “You are going to leave behind an incredible legacy that will inspire the next generation. I mean, you’re the longest serving female United States Senator in history! Your legislative work is phenomenal and has literally impacted every single American. They might not realize it, but you have and it’s been an honor and a privilege to have been a part of that.”

“Come now, Paula. It’s not yet time for goodbyes.”

“I know.” She closed her eyes and took in several deep breathes. She had to save her tears. “It’s time for work.”

“You can take a break from it.”

“Afraid not,” she told her. “I have to start looking for florists to make the arrangements you signed off on.”

“That can be done after.”

“I still need to think of the statement that we’re going to release once . . .”

“Use the one we came up with during the flight over from Washington. That’s the one I want.” The Senator smiled gently. “You have done enough work for today. Let’s you and I chat.”

“About what, Ma’am?”

“Enough with the Ma’am,” she told her. “We’re in private now. You can address me as such.”

“What do you want to chat about, Ethel?”

“The future.” She noticed the panic flash in the young woman’s eyes. “Don’t look so scared. The future’s nothing to fear.”

“I disagree.”

“It’s an exciting thing, the future.”

“But you –”

“Even for me,” said the Senator. “I’ll soon know what comes next, and if it’s what I think it is, I’m thrilled. But it’s not my future I want to discuss, it’s yours. So tell me, what’s next?”

“I don’t know.” Paulina answered. “I’m honestly taking things one day a time right now. I just want to make sure you’re comfortable and that when the time comes, your wishes are honored.”

“But after that, what?”

“Offers have been made, but I haven’t decided on anything,” she replied. “I told them that I wasn’t going to leave you, and they backed off, but then when you fainted in the Senate, they reached out again. They said that they were still serious about it, but I . . . it didn’t feel right considering the proposition when I’m committed to this. But I don’t know, I guess when everything is settled, I’ll go through with it. I mean, it is something I’m interested in. On second thought, that’s a lie. I’m more than interested. It’s something I’ve dreamt since I was little so yeah, I will take them up on it.”

“I’m glad to hear you’ll still be staying in politics.”

“Why would you say that? I didn’t tell you what the offer was. It could be for something else.”

“I know everything that goes on in this state.” The Senator replied. “I know you were approached by the leadership of the California Democratic Party that are interested in you running for the 32nd Congressional District. And while I wholeheartedly believe you would make a remarkable Representative, I have to say that that’s thinking small.”

“What?” Paulina blurted out. “How’s that thinking small? It’s a Congressional District. That’s huge! It’s not every day that an incumbent doesn’t run for reelection. That is an empty seat that is up for grabs and –”

“There will soon be another empty seat.” The Senator reminded. “A more prestigious one, to be sure.”

“Ma’am, don’t –”

“Someone will have to fill it.”

“N-n-not me,” she stuttered.

“And why not?”

“Because I – I’m me!” she felt stupid saying it, but it was the only response she had. “I have to do more before I can even think about that. That’s what I’m doing in my forties. It’s what I’ve decided on, that way I have time to learn and –”

“If you haven’t learned by now, you never will. You’ve had four years in Washington at my side. That’s enough.”

“Not even,” argued Paulina. “Four years is nothing.”

“Some people don’t even have that before they go into politics. Some people have no experience whatsoever.” The Senator wasn’t going to drop the subject. “Before you went into politics with me, you assisted Senator Warren in the implementation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, before that you volunteered at an American embassy. You are a lawyer that has passed the bar in California, you have an impeccable academic career that puts most Senators to shame. You are better educated than the Kennedys. You’re better educated than I am. Do you understand that?” she didn’t wait for her to reply, she went on talking. “Look, whoever takes my place might very well keep it for the next few decades. I’ve been in office for thirty-one years. Boxer has been in the Senate for twenty-three, and she has at least another decade in her. Senators assume office and strive to die in it. So do you honestly want to wait ten or twenty years before you make a Senate bid? Do you want to wait that long just because you’re scared?”

“I’m not scared!”

“Then prove it!” the Senator raised her voice. “Fight for that seat and show the world what you’re capable of.”