A Sense of Wonder

There had been talk that the turnout at the rally would be significantly lower than initially projected. In the aftermath of the attack, there were some that didn’t feel safe going to campaign sponsored events, some who felt it might compromise their safety along with that of their loved ones. And they couldn’t be blamed, not really. The attack had a traumatic effect, not only on the people that witnessed the violence in person, but those who viewed it from the safety of their homes. What if the assailant had taken a gun instead of a knife? What if he had opened fire on the crowd after having killed her? And even though the assailant hadn’t taken a gun, what if there was a copycat who would? There was always that possibility, always a chance that some twisted bastard might suddenly feel inspired to inflict such suffering and for many people, that thought kept them from traveling out to San Diego for her first post attack appearance, but thankfully for her, there were thousands of others who were brave enough to take a chance.

In fact, the turnout was so high that the university gymnasium wasn’t big enough to accommodate everyone. There were quite literally over a thousand people crowding the entrance. They knew it was wishful thinking to believe she would go out to shake their hands. After the attack, she’d surely minimize the amount of time she spent with the crowd, but still they stood there, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

And when the campaign bus pulled up and she saw them all standing there, the fear and nerves that threatened to destroy her suddenly vanished. She had spent the morning dry heaving. The stress of the day ahead had gotten to her early on. She didn’t know if she could carry out so many events and interviews. It had been overly ambitious of her to schedule so much, and she should’ve scaled back after the attack, but she’d been stubborn. She’d refused to cancel a single event and now the thought of them stressed her out, the thought of them had kept her glued to the toilet despite the fact that nothing ever came out, and as she drove over to the event space, she was terrified that she’d walk onto the stage and suddenly be taken in by another dry heaving fit, but when they pulled up and she saw them all standing there, she knew she could get through it, because if all those people had come out to see her, she wouldn’t fail them.

“I’m not going through the back.” She announced as she looked at the crowd. “This is where I’ll enter from – right through the middle.”

“Ma’am, that’s not been planned for.” One of the coordinators told her.

“I know for a fact that the original plans had been for me to go up through here. Go back to that. Clear a path. It doesn’t have to be wide. I can get by easily.”

“But your safety –” she protested.

“It’s my concern.” She cut her off. “Theirs as well if you want to get technical.” She looked over at Wilson and Eric. “What do you think?”

“You’ll be out in the open, an easy target.” Eric informed her. “If we go through the back, we minimize your exposure. That way we only have to worry about your being onstage.”

“But what good am I onstage?” she asked. “These people didn’t come to see someone blabber on at a distance. They’re here because they identify with the campaign and they connect with me. I’m at my best when I’m in the thick of it.”

“Then I’ll be in the front, Eric will bring up the rear, and if things go in our favor, you’ll be okay.” Wilson stated. “And don’t worry. We remember what you told us yesterday. We’ll refrain from acting like the Republican security does. If you want to be approached, we’ll allow it.”

“We’ll let you be accessible.” Eric assured her. “We’ll only act when we have clear view of a weapon.”

“Thank you,” said Paulina. “You heard them,” she turned to the coordinator. “Security’s been taken care of. Now please tell the others of the changes.”

Francis had known all along that Paulina wouldn’t enter through the back door. That was too cowardly a thing for her and despite being afraid and nervous; he knew she was far too stubborn for all that. So he had prepared himself for her walking through the crowd, he readied himself for the moment she said that, but despite having been aware, he was still disappointed. He had lost his uncle Bobby because he went through a crowded space that his bodyguards had advised him against, and as he sat there in that campaign bus, he couldn’t help but pray that the same fate wouldn’t befall Paulina.

They had advised her against it. They had told her to limit her exposure. Yet there she was, saying that she intended to shake hands and mingle, saying that she was going to put herself in harms way because otherwise she wouldn’t be any good.

And although he hated to admit it, he knew she was right. She was at her best when she was in the thick of it. When she was able to connect one on one with people, to look them in the eyes and flash them a smile or shake their hands – that was when she shone brightest. So when it came time for him to step off the bus and go through the back entrance to take his seat in the front, he didn’t try to talk her out of her plan, he simply told her to be careful.

“Be alert out there,” he said. “Now go do what you do best.”

He squeezed her hand and kissed her forehead before following the other staffers out the door. Paulina watched as he moved ever closer to the entrance and was tempted to tell him to come back, to walk hand in hand with her into the rally, but that would’ve been selfish of her. Because if something happened, if a gun were pulled or a knife taken out, she would place him in harms way and she couldn’t live with that. It was one thing to willingly endanger her own life, it was another to endanger his and that wasn’t something she was capable of. So she kept her mouth shut and instead went over the speech she’d written in the early hours of the morning. She went over it countless times before the bus once more pulled up in front of the gymnasium and she kept going over it until Jeffrey received the call stating that it was time to go in.

“Is it really?” she found herself asking.

He nodded.

“Well then I suppose I must be on my way.” She closed her eyes and hastily did the sign of the cross, entrusting herself to the Virgencita. “Okay,” she said. “I’m ready.”

At that, Jeffrey called the coordinator to inform them that Paulina was on her way out. That was the cue they’d been waiting for. They quickly told the sound tech to put the opening track on and shortly thereafter, Marc Anthony’s Vivir Mi Vida blared on the speakers. The sound system had been so thoroughly set up that even from all the way outside, the crowd clearly heard the music and went wild. It was the first time Paulina stepped out to a song in Spanish at a rally. She usually kept those for her exit, but after the attack it just felt right to walk out to Vivir Mi Vida. It was a major fuck you to every single person that had thought she was going to stay down, and what was best was that it lively, it was infectious and it filled her and the crowd with enthusiasm.
She stepped out with her head held high and her shoulders pushed back. She might not have been wearing any make up, but here features were brightened by her passion. She had spent the morning terrified of going out there, obsessing over whether or not someone might try to pull a gun on her, but the moment she stepped out, the moment she saw those smiling faces staring back at her, all those thoughts vanished.

All she could think about was getting in the thick of it. Her left hand might’ve been out of commission, but that was alright because she didn’t use her left to shake hands, that was what her right was for and her right shoulder might have been all jacked up, but that was alright, she could endure the pain that came from shaking hands and that was precisely what she did. From the moment her feet touched the ground, she stretched out her hand and started smiling with the side of her face that worked. It wasn’t the smile that supporters were used to, but nonetheless they were grateful for it. They gladly offered a smile of their own and shook her hand; they told her that they hoped she would have a speedy recovery and that they would be with her until the end. There were some that spoke to her with tears in their eyes, there were others that were full on crying, and to them all she expressed her gratitude and promised to make good on her campaign platform.

When she entered the gymnasium, the crowd roared in approval. Everyone was on their feet, everyone applauded. This was what they had all been looking forward to, this was what they had gotten up at three in the morning for, and she was worth it. She was as elegantly dressed as ever, her hair was impeccably done, and she might not have had any makeup on, but she didn’t disappoint. They could see the passion in her eyes, the fire burning within her, and that little half smile she had going on, promised them that her spirit had been undamaged.

The people in the gymnasium were more handsy than the ones outside. There were countless hugs shared, many people blessed her, and there were even some that out of desperation to touch her ended up grabbing her left hand or patting her shoulder. Although it hurt like hell to have that raw flesh touched, she bore the pain and kept going onwards, because there was no time to pay her suffering any attention. There were thousands of people there cheering her on, there were camera crews from all over the world, so she had to be in the moment, she had to be on top of her game because this was going to be a game changer.

This would be the start of the rest of her life.

“So I heard a rumor going around yesterday,” she spoke into the microphone when she finally got onstage. “Apparently someone was saying that I was suspending the campaign. There were even others that claimed I was dropping out of the race altogether.” She paused. “Let me set the record straight, I’m not going anywhere!”

At that, the crowd roared in approval.

“They might wish I was, but I am far too stubborn to do so. Not that that’s news to anyone. You all know how hardheaded I can be. You’ve seen me on the campaign trail, and before that, you saw me working on the behalf of Californians with the late Senator Stevenson.” They applauded in her memory. “My commitment to California and its wonderful people has never wavered. Not even when blood was spilt.” She grew quiet a moment. “It’s strange, confronting ones mortality. I was always under the impression that death was at least a half century away, that I didn’t have to think about it for a very long time, but just two days ago, I was within its grasps. A fanatic attempted to silence me because he didn’t agree with my stance on abortion. But here’s the thing, I won’t be bullied into submission. I will not be silenced, not in the grave and certainly not while there is still breath in my body! My commitment to women’s reproductive rights is unchanged. Now more than ever, I will fight to ensure that women in California and all throughout the United States have access to legal medical abortions. I will fight to ensure that we do not go back to the days before Roe v. Wade, and anyone who doesn’t like it – well, they know where to find me.” She held her hands up as if to say here I am, and the crowd went wild. “And now that’s been addressed, let me thank you. Thank you for coming out here. I know there was a lot of uncertainty coming into today. After how things went at the last rally, I would’ve understood if this gymnasium would’ve been empty. Believe me, I would. But seeing you here – I lack the words to convey my gratitude. It’s unreal to me that we’ve had such a large turnout. There’s a crowd right outside those doors! This place is packed to the brim and I . . . it’s incredibly humbling to know that you’re still committed to this campaign. It’s because of your support, because of your commitment that I’m here instead of at home like the doctor advised. I’m here because I gave you my word that I would fight tirelessly to ensure that every single Californian has a fighting chance at the American dream. And when I give my word, God knows I keep it. So let’s move onwards, let’s keep pushing, because even if it kills me, I’m keeping my promises.”

Before the attack, such a statement would’ve been viewed as vulgar and overdramatic, but now that she had been so publically close to death, now that the world had seen it as a valid possibility, that comment was received with the severity that it had been given. It made it clear that the young candidate wasn’t going to be conciliatory with the anti-choice extremists, it demonstrated that she was prepared to do battle, and most importantly, that she would sacrifice her life in order to defend the ideals upon which she had built her campaign.

That was an incredibly powerful statement to make and it elicited such a response from her supporters that it set a new tone for the campaign. There were more people out there canvassing, donations at all levels flooded in, and new supporters made their way over to the campaign. Even the Democratic Presidential candidate flew out to California to attend one of her events. They saw her as a breath of fresh air that had been sent to reinvigorate the party, she would connect with the youth, and so that was why they took time out of their schedule to introduce her at a rally. It was a momentous occasion for the campaign. Sure, there had been photo ops in the past between herself and the candidate, but nothing that significant, which was why she walked out on stage with such a massive smile in San Francisco. The right side of her face hurt because it kept doing all the work, but she was proud of how things had gone and she was eager to keep that momentum going throughout what was left of the campaign.

That was why she pushed herself to keep going forward. She wasn’t as kind as she ought to have been, but fortunately for her, Francis was there to keep an eye out. He made sure she had juices and smoothies at regular intervals, he sent out for soups she could easily eat and kept up her Tylenol schedule, but most importantly, he always had a smile and a few reassuring words for her. He was the one she relied upon when her strength threatened to fail. He was the reason she made it safely through those last few days.

And on that Tuesday morning, when she woke in that downtown Los Angeles hotel room, he was the first face she saw. Her parents had told her to stay in their home, they’d promised that there would be plenty of space for her bodyguards and essential staff, but she hadn’t accepted their offer. To stay in her parents’ home would’ve been a welcome change from the hotels, but had she stayed there, she wouldn’t have been able to share a bed with Francis, and that wasn’t something she was willing to do.

Francis was essential to her wellbeing. It terrified her to think it, but it was the truth. He’d taken on the duties of a companion, a lover, and a live in nurse. He was the one that changed out the dressings on her back and her face and her hand. He was the one that held her at night when she woke up crying from a flashback. It was him who steadied her, him who went beyond what she’d expected of him, and she loved him all the more for it. And she understood that things wouldn’t always be so perfect, even then she understood that when the campaign ended and they got back to the real world, things might be different, their relationship might even find itself strained at times, but that didn’t change how she felt at that moment, that didn’t change the fact that staring at his sleeping face brought her the same level of satisfaction of walking onstage.

She lay there gazing upon his face with a dopey little smile until her phone started vibrating. It was time to get up. Election Day had finally arrived. With a sigh, she pushed up the covers and cast her legs over the side of the bed. Slowly, she sat up. Like all the mornings since the accident, the first thing she did was rub the top of her shoulder. It was always stiff in the morning and required some gentle prodding to get it somewhat working, so she sat there doing that until she felt capable of getting herself ready. With her shoulder cooperating, she walked over to the bathroom where without looking at her face, she brushed her teeth, did her business, and washed her hands. She had been avoiding looking at herself at all costs. It was easier to be confident when she didn’t really know what she was looking at. The few times that she had seen her reflection, had been challenging. She was used to her face looking a certain way and to all of a sudden have it swollen on the left and bandaged up – well, it made her remember that week in London after the car accident, and she didn’t want to remember that. Even after so many years, that still had a powerful effect on her. So she avoided seeing herself and picked up her phone.

In the days leading up to Election Day, she had gotten away with wearing no makeup and styling her own hair, but now that the big day had finally arrived, she had to be professionally prepared. That was why sent a text to Jeffrey, telling him to send up the makeup artist and hair stylist. The experts had been on standby since four in the morning, and the moment Jeffrey received the text, the three of them went upstairs to the suite. It was in the living room area that Paulina was prepared for the day. The hairstylist went first, she straightened the long dark curls and once the hair was perfectly straight, she set to work on the side braid fishtail bun. It was a simple updo that kept Paulina’s hair out of her face, and for the first part of her day, that was exactly what she needed. She was going to be out campaigning, out shaking hands and meeting people, so she couldn’t be bothered with having her hair down. When the hair stylist finished, the makeup artist set to work. He made it a point to only use hypoallergenic product so as to minimize irritating the skin. He worked around the bandage, knowing very well that there was no way he could get rid of it, it was hiding healing skin and as such, had to be respected. Since he couldn’t do much with the skin, he instead focused on the eyes and lips. He was determined to make the candidate look well rested, and through skillful use of concealer, he was able to do just that.

By the time he finished, Paulina didn’t mind looking at her appearance too much. She looked more like the woman she did before the attack, and grateful for the job done, she hugged and kissed the experts on both cheeks. Eager to get the day started, she ran back into the room and took out the clothes she had set aside for the day. Unlike the other days, she was toning down the professionalism. She was going to spend the evening in a form fitting dress so for the morning she wanted something that she could truly feel comfortable in, and most importantly, something that she would feel like herself in. The dresses and suits she wore were beautiful, but it always felt like playing dress up to her. That was why on Election Day, she put on her favorite pair of dark wash jeans, along with worn in ankle boots. For her top, she had picked out a simple colorful blouse, but when she went to put it on it didn’t feel right. That was when she noticed Francis’ open bag. She couldn’t help herself. She reached in and grabbed one of his Oxford button downs. She quickly put it on and to finish the look, a grey twill jacket blazer.

By the time she finished getting dressed, she felt comfortable and able to take on the world, and knowing that there was no putting it off any longer, she went over to Francis’ side of the bed and woke him up. He didn’t wake right away. It took a few tries and some gentle shaking to get him up, and even when his eyes fluttered opened, he grumbled about needing five more minutes, but Paulina just shook her head at that.

“I promise you tomorrow we’ll sleep as late as you want, but for right now you have to get ready.”

“You’re not waking me up earlier than you should, are you? Because I only need fifteen minutes . . .”

“And that’s why I’m waking your ass up at a quarter to six,” she told him. “So get up. We’ve got to drive over to my parents for breakfast and then over to church and then to the polling station.”

“Fuck!” he exclaimed. “It’s Election Day!”

“It is!” she said with a smile. “I take it you’re finally fully awake.”

He nodded as he sat up.

“Well then go get dressed.”

“I will.” He said as he got out of bed. He stretched and yawned, and when his hands were once more at his side, he finally took a clear look at his girlfriend and noticed the familiar button down she was wearing. “Fucking Aurelia, shirt looks good.”

“Why thank you,” she said, smiling. “I figured you’d be okay with it.”

“I’d have been even better if I’d seen you put it on, but I guess that’s on me for not being awake.”

“You are so lame!” she playfully smacked his shoulder.

“What?” he feigned hurt. “I didn’t say anything wrong.”

“Go get dressed.” She told him, fighting back a smile. “The faster you do, the faster you can have the chilaquiles my mom’s making.”

“She’s making chilaquiles?” His mouth watered at the thought.

“Well, yeah. I told her to prepare your favorite breakfast.”

“See this is why I love you.” He placed a kiss on her cheek. “Well this and that other thing.”

“What other thing?”

“That ass!” and for good measure, he shot her a wink. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get pretty for you.”

True to his habits, Francis was ready within fifteen minutes. Since Paulina had dressed down for the day, he did so as well, because even though he’d said it jokingly, he knew it was his duty to compliment her appearance.

The drive over to her parents’ house was a short one. They got there in half an hour since there wasn’t really much traffic on the ten. When they arrived at the house, they were greeted by her siblings and their respective families, as well as her parents. They had all taken the day off from work and the kids that were in school, weren’t going. This was too important a day for them to sit through class. Their aunt was running for office, she could very well end up making history by the end of the day, so they were going to be with the family.

Paulina was grateful that they had set yet another day aside for her. She knew that throughout the campaign, a great deal had been asked of them. They were the ones on the frontlines, the smiling faces that appeared on her website, the ones that attended fundraisers when she couldn’t be there and held local events in her name. Her family had gone above and beyond her wildest expectations, without them she wouldn’t have gotten where she was. That was why she hugged them all so tightly and kissed their cheeks with such tenderness. That was why she had gotten them each a gift to thank them for all the hard work they’d put in, but she wasn’t going to hand them out that morning. She was waiting until the evening to do that.

Once the traditional hugs and kisses were given, the family made their way into the backyard. With the new additions to the family, the ten seat table was no longer enough, but instead of investing in a new dining room table, Irmalinda and Ricardo simply purchased a custom sixteen seat table. The table took up the majority of the space beneath the patio cover, but that didn’t matter. They were okay with not being able to have their rocking chairs in the shade if it meant that they’d be able to have their kids and their families all at the same table.

Since the Balcázars were on a schedule, they didn’t take their time with breakfast. They sat down and quickly ate their chilaquiles, drank their champurrado, had a bit of sliced mango and papaya, and washed it down with orange juice. Paulina was glad that they ate so quickly. To have had to sat there watching them eat their delicious food while she had pureed lentil soup, would’ve been torture. Thankfully they ate quickly and before long they drove over to the church that Paulina had attended since birth.

No special mass was held in her honor. In fact, the church was quite deserted except for a few elderly women sitting in the front. The reason they went was because they always went to pray before an important event. It was in that church that the Balcázar boys had prayed before they asked their respective partners to marry them, it was there that they all set before each of the Balcázar children went off to college, that church had seen them through all the family’s greatest achievements, and it was only right that it see them through this one.

And so they dipped their fingers in the holy water and crossed themselves. They then quietly took seats towards the back so as not disturb the women in the prayer, but before they entered the pew, they bowed their heads in reverence to the crucifix. Once all the Balcázars and Francis were in the pew, they kneeled in prayer. They prayed so that the election would go in Paulina’s favor and so no further harm would come to her, and when they finished with that, they prayed for their own intentions.

Hardly ten minutes passed before they exited the church, but it didn’t matter how long they’d spent in there, what mattered was that they felt ready for what the day had in store. With her family at her side and with Francis holding her hand, Paulina felt indestructible. There was nothing that could stop her from achieving her dreams, and it was on that high that she boarded Francis’ car and was driven over to the polling station.

There was a long line out the door. The people in her community had been inspired by her running for office and they were turning out in unprecedented numbers. And when they saw her walking up the block, they cheered in welcome. Paulina smiled brightly and waved as she took her place at the back of the line. They told her that she could cut, to go ahead and go inside, because she had other things to do, but to that she replied by simply saying, “Well so do you.”

That simple statement served to endear her even more. Despite having offered to let her cut, they were pleased that she hadn’t. It demonstrated that she didn’t think herself better than them, and so she waited in that line for the better part of an hour. She chatted with the people in front of her and with all the others that came up. She made it a point to not talk politics with them, she was explicit with the fact that to do so would be a direct violation of the rules, so instead of talking about the election, they talked about life. She spoke with a couple who had recently become American citizens and were voting in their first election, they had taken their teenage children with them to witness the historic moment. Paulina congratulated them on officially becoming Americans. She knew how important that was and what a sense of accomplishment that gave people. She knew it because she had seen that same look in the eyes of her parents and she was proud to be able to have been a part of their story. She spoke with single mothers who were trying to vote before they had to drop their kids off at school and go to work, she spoke with students who were going to be late to class because they wanted to make sure they voted before the day got out of hand.

Speaking with all those people reassured Paulina that she was doing the right thing by running for office. There had been times on the campaign trail when she couldn’t help but wonder if she was making a mistake, if her life would be better if she became a partner at a law firm or worked for the ACLU or perhaps the Department of Justice, there were times when she was afraid she was taking on more than she could do and when she genuinely panicked about whether or not she’d be letting everyone down, but after having spoken to all those people, she knew she was doing the right thing. She was there because she had worked tirelessly in pursuit of her childhood dream, she was there because she wanted to do her part to better the lives of ordinary people. She wanted to give them a fighting chance at making their dreams come true, to ensure that they had the same opportunities as hers, and that they received the support that they needed. She was there because she wanted to do her bit to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.

And she thought about that repeatedly as she waited in line. She remembered reading that sentence in the lengthy letter that Senator Kennedy had written her, and she remembered the profound effect that it had on her. His words had humbled her, but they had also filled her with a sense of purpose, and as she approached the front of the line, as her time grew closer, she couldn’t help but remember Senator Kennedy. He’d been the one that started it all, the person that took a chance on an unknown kid in London. Without him, Warren and Allred and Stevenson, would’ve never given her a second look. Without him having taken an interest in her, she wouldn’t have been standing in line waiting to cast a vote for herself. She would’ve been doing Jeffrey’s job for some other candidate or she would’ve been working as a legislative advisor for some politician in Washington. Senator Kennedy was the reason that her dreams had taken off as beautifully as they had and she would never forget that.

When Paulina reached the front of the line, it took everything she had to keep herself standing there. She wanted nothing more than to grab a ballot from the table and take off running to one of the booths. She was done waiting. It had been half a year of endless campaigning, all she wanted was to vote, to cement the fact that no matter what happened, she had voted for herself in a United States Senate election.

“Next!” called the young woman at the voting table.

Paulina’s heart raced. She turned to Francis, who had held her hand ever since they got out of the car and without saying a word, he took her into his arms and pressed a kiss atop her forehead. His eyes shone with pride as he pulled away. After that, Paulina turned to her parents. She hugged her mother first, inhaling her familiar scent and then hugged her father. They hurriedly blessed her as they did the sign of the cross, and with one final look back at her siblings, she walked over to the desk.

“Hello!” Paulina greeted the woman behind the desk with a massive smile. “My name’s Paulina Balcázar. Here’s my drivers license.”

The woman took it, verified that Paulina was on the list and then directed her towards the polling station.

Paulina didn’t waste any time in getting to the booth. She quickly closed the curtain and with hands trembling with excitement, she set the down the ballot. Her eyes eagerly took in the information. At the top was the presidential portion, normally she would’ve done that first, but at that moment she didn’t give a fuck who was going to be present. What mattered to her was the portion designated for United States Senator, because there in all its glory, was her name and what made it so beautiful, what literally brought tears to her eyes was that they hadn’t fucked it up like last time. During the special election, they had forgotten the accent over the second a in her surname. She had been Paulina Balcazar, she had been given the last name that Microsoft Word always recommended, but this time – this time she was Paulina Balcázar.. Her surname had been given the importance it deserved, it had been respected, and she knew that there would be Californians all throughout the state who would see that accent and smile.

“Senator Balcázar,” she whispered to herself as she pressed the pen to the ballot and completed the arrow that pointed to her name. “Let’s make it happen.”