Terrible Love

The sky was a murky grey when we finally made it through the woods and found the small creek Jon had wanted to visit. Sitting down in the healthy green grass next to it, he dropped his body down next to mine and pressed his face into my shoulder, letting silent tears run down his face and soak into my sweater.

It broke my heart to see him like this.

This was what I had been dreading since I saw them together. The main reason I wanted to keep it from Jon was because of this. I didn’t want to see him so hurt, so broken, and so weak because of someone like her. He had trusted her, trusted her with his life, trusted her with his heart, and she wasted it.

Anger was swimming in my veins as I thought about her going back to planning her wedding after sleeping with that tall blonde man. I couldn’t imagine someone being able to do that to another human, another heart. How did you plan a wedding and sleep with another man at the same time?

Jon’s tears created a pool on my sweater that soaked through to my skin. The moist fabric sent chills down my spine that made me want to get up and scream. I couldn’t bear to see him cry like this, no matter what the circumstance. He was my best friend, he knew me better than my own parents, he was the only boy in my life that ever stayed.

“Did you know,” I cleared my throat as I took my hand and laced it into Jon’s brown curls. “Adult cats only meow to communicate with humans?”

“Wh… What?” Jon pulled his face from my shoulder and looked at me, the end of his lips slightly rising as he rubbed his wet eyes on the back of his hands.

“Ninety percent of the cats brain is the same as a humans.” I kept my eyes on the running water while Jon moved his body closer to mine, pulled his knees into his chest, and then folded his arms on top of them. “We pretty much share an identical section that controls emotions too.”

Resting his head on my shoulder, he looked out into the woods and sucked in a small breath. “Keep going.”

“A group of cats is called a clowder. Uhm, they have like twenty muscles that control their ears, and then can turn them one hundred and eighty degrees. That’s their strongest sense, hearing.” I ended in a whisper and looked over at Jon, his eyes still letting tears fall from his big brown eyes. “They sleep seventy percent of their lives, that’s why I always told you when I come back in my next life I wanted to be a house cat.” I watched as a smile pulled at the ends of his lips. “They can’t taste sweetness though, so that’s a bummer.”

“You wouldn’t be able to eat ice cream.” He chuckled, his eyes shifting from the creek and over to me. Smiling over at him, I nodded and then pushed my fingers together.

After a few minutes ticked by, I felt the anger start to disappear from my veins. “There’s this cat called Stubbs that’s been the mayor of a town in Alaska for fifteen years.”

“Get the fuck out, a cat?” Jon let out a soft chuckle as he brushed the tears from his eyes again. “That’s bullshit.”

“No, it’s real. Cute cat, it’s a really pale orange, runs the whole town. That’s the kind of independent pet I need.” I let out a small chuckle as Jon rolled his eyes at me.

“You’re absolutely ridiculous, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” I whispered and then looked back at the water, letting nostalgia from the last time we were here wash over me. Shutting my eyes, I thought back to that cold day in the middle of the winter. Jon was home during the winter break of his freshmen year of college, it was the middle of January, the temperature was around fifteen, and he was getting ready to head back to school. We were home talking about classes and the next break we could see each other.

Then it happened.

I was there for the call, I was there when Mr. Toews came in the room and told him and his brother. I watched the bright brown eyes break and let tears through. It was the very first time I had seen Jon cry, and the last. I remember how he held me, holding large chunks of my thick sweater between his hands. His face was pressed into my neck as my thin arms held him as tightly as I could.

We didn’t part for what felt like days. My legs were getting tired from holding us up, but I didn’t dare complain. I just stood there, muscles aching, running my hand in circles on his back, whispering to him that I loved him and that I was right here, not going anywhere.

Then, he grabbed my hand and walked me outside, down the street, and into the park. Through the walk, I didn’t ask where we were going, or what he was doing. I just let him lead me blindly through trees and mounds of snow. When we reached the creek it looked much like it did now, minus the bright green grass.

The water was clear and in a constant motion. It was always moving, no matter what the temperature, no matter what happened in the world around it, it kept moving.

As I shivered in the cold air, sitting in the snow with Jon sitting close to me, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and started talking about the first thing that came to my mind. For some reason, it was trees. I dug deep into my bank of useless knowledge ad started rambling on and on about what they did, how they worked, and a bunch of other stupid facts that no normal person cared about.

He stopped crying after fifteen minutes of my rambling. Hand in mine, head on my shoulder, he told me that he loved me and that if I wasn’t in his life, he would be nothing. I could still remember exactly what he said.

“I wouldn’t be able to lace my skates if I didn’t have you.”

“I don’t really know what to do, Aspen.” His voice tore through my flashback, sending my brain back into reality. Warmth running through my body, I bobbed my head on my shoulders and looked from my feet and over to the water. Pressing my lips into a thin line, I shrugged my shoulders a little, and then grabbed his hand.

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to call it off.”

“You should probably talk to her, first.” I whispered, my hand squeezing his as he let out a long sigh and groaned. He knew I was right, that he needed to talk to her, see what was really going on, and hopefully get some information out of her that two shitty photos on an iPhone couldn’t tell him.

Hand never leaving mine, Jon grabbed his phone from his pocket and moved through his conversations and letters. Once he had found Laura’s number, he bit down roughly on his lip and then text her two simple words and one little punctuation mark.

Who’s Nick?

Clicking the side button, we stayed in the grass, our eyes never leaving the creek, my hand never leaving his. I felt my heart rate speed up with every passing minute. I didn’t want to hear his cell phone to go off. I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say or how he was going to react.

What if it wasn’t them? What if I caused all of this for nothing? What if they were just friends and joking? I had played jokes on people with Jon like that, talking like we were dating and then laughing about it when we got home.

What if he hated me for this? What if we really didn’t talk anymore? Sure, I said it out of anger that after the wedding we were through.

But now…

Heart racing, I went to speak when Jon’s phone went off.

Large hand leaving mine, the brunette stood up and answered the call, pressing his shaking hand into his thigh as I stayed seated in the grass, my hands on either side of me as the grass blades contrasted against my pale skin. Running my eyes over the bright green, I tried to focus on my breathing, getting my body to relax before I went into cardiac arrest in the middle of the woods.

“Sorry? Sorry?” Jon yelled the word louder each time. “That’s all you can fucking say for yourself?” I could hear the pain tear through his voice as I shut my eyes and dug my fingers into the moist earth, holding onto the soil as if Jon’s screams were going to knock me over.

He continued yelling, his voice cracking a few times as his hands moved in the air, emphasizing his sharp words. I didn’t let them settle in my head. Instead, I shut my eyes and forced them out. I didn’t want to hear him screaming at her, I didn’t want to hear the pain in his voice or see the tears running down his face. I didn’t want to believe that this was all happening, that the wedding I had been so excited for was being called off.

“No, Laura, no.” Jon slammed his foot into the floor, leaving an area of squished grass blades. “There’s no fucking counseling . There’s no trust, there’s absolutely nothing. The wedding is off. Make the fucking phone calls, because I’m done.”

I could feel my heart splinter in my chest.

“Keep the ring.”

The phone call ended.

As Jon looked down at me, and I looked up at him, I inspected his eyes and felt my heart sink down to the pit of my stomach.

It was over.

The wedding was off.



Sharp and I had ultimately decided against having the family dinner the next night. Instead, we decided on the families coming over in two weeks, before they headed back out to Chicago. Originally, they had planned on staying through to Jon’s wedding, but the day after Jon’s breakdown in the woods, he grabbed me by the hand, excused us from the guys still staying at the house, took us into my backyard, and tucked me under his arm as we laid in the hammock. Then, he called every person on his side of the guests to tell them the wedding was officially cancelled.

It was hard to lie next to him and hear his heart race every time the person on the phone would gasp and ask what had happened. I never through I would hear someone admit to their fiancé cheating on them thirty something times in the course of three hours. When he reached the end of the list, he let out a long sigh and then crumpled up the paper and tossed it into the grass.

I knew that he still had to call one group and tell them, but I couldn’t find it in me to push him to do it. He had called cousins and uncles, grandparents and extended family, friends from college and teammates that couldn’t make the trip for the bachelor party, he even called his brother who was still living on his college campus, trying to squeeze in summer classes before the season started.

He didn’t call his parents.

I didn’t blame him for being worried about telling them. The Toew’s were the kind of parents that would drive themselves over to Laura’s house and talk to her, they were the kind of people that in a dark time like this, bring up that fact that now their dreams of Jon and I getting together could finally come true.

The thought always used to make us laugh, but now that I thought about it, my stomach grew sick.

Three days had passed since Jon made the phone calls. One day after the calls, the rest of the guys that were staying over departed. Jon and I had managed to squeeze the three men into my car and drive them to the airport. Through the ride there, the boys managed to keep the conversations fun and light, but the second we bid out goodbyes and wished them safe flights back to Chicago, I could see the stress and depression sink back into Jon’s eyes.

The normal bright brown eyes had taken on a strange fog since that day. No matter how stupid the guys were, how funny the jokes were, or how intense the NHL 2k15 battles were on the X-box, the fog never lifted.

Driving home, Jon and I didn’t speak much. When we reached the house, we headed inside and to our separate rooms without as much as a glance. It worried me a little, I wondered if Jon was angry with me for something. I pushed every memory of us together for the last day to the forefront of my mind to see if I could recall me stepping out of line, but when I found nothing, I just sunk into my bed and called it an early night.

The next day, Jon and I avoided each other the whole day. I stayed in my room, working on new plans for the interior of a Doctors office in Maine, and Jon roamed the house, watching television in the living room, ran on the treadmill in the basement, and ate some leftover food from the fridge. Whenever I had left my room to use the bathroom or grab some food, he was locked away in a room, and I decided it would be better not to bother him.

Now, it was two in the afternoon, and it looked like today was going to be much like the last. I didn’t hear much movement over the low hum of my music. Occasionally I would wander around the house, moving swiftly like a ghost and checking rooms until I found Jon. He had his headphones in a lot lately, so usually me check-ups on him went unnoticed.

Just as I was about to cure the rumble in my stomach, my bedroom door creaked open and the brunette I had not spoken to in a day in a half walked in, dropping his body onto my bed like everything was right and normal in the world.

“I’m going to tell my parents today.” He spoke, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I wasn’t used to the deep boom of his normal voice. “I want you to come with me.”

I didn’t have much of a choice as I looked over from my plans and locked my eyes onto Jon’s. The second I saw the pink lines laid against the whites of his eyes, and the moist streaks running down his strong cheeks, I stood up from my desk and walked over to my bed. Sitting down next to him, I brushed off the past day and a half of silence and wrapped my arms around him, inhaling deeply, letting the smell of his soap tear through my head and relax my muscles.

As Jon wrapped his arms around me, he let out a long sigh and rested his forehead against my shoulder. “I can’t believe it’s over.” He breathed, his warm breath hitting my cold skin. “I got the confirmation emails about the orders being cancelled, Laura’s parents text me and sort of apologized for everything and told me they would pick up the price of her dress. I cancelled the tuxedo fittings and the hotel rooms. I never thought all of the stress going into the wedding could be thrown away so… easily.”

“Yeah,” I whispered, not sure what else I could say on the matter. I had no idea what planning a wedding entailed, I had no idea what the cancellations entailed, I didn’t now how much money Jon was losing on this, I didn’t know how much more money he had to spend to cancel everything.

I felt guilty as the man let a few tears soak into my sweater. A part of me wished I had never said anything, I wished I had just kept my mouth shut and never taken those pictures. I wished that I could just pinch my skin until I woke up in my bed, everything back to the way it should be.

“I never thanked you.” Jon pulled his head from my shoulder and brought his eyes to mine. “For telling me.” His voice cracked as he kept pulling words from his throat, “I know it was hard, and I know I didn’t… take it well when Sharp told me, but I just want to thank you for not letting me marry her like that. Thanks for always having my back, Aspen.” He ended in a whisper, his hand grabbing mine and holding it tightly.

“You know I always have your back, Jonny.” I breathed, my eyes dropping to our hands, watching closely as his thumb ran over the back of my hand. “Are you sure you want me to go to your parents with you?”

“I don’t think I can do it without you there, honestly.”

Getting up from my bed, I walked over to my closet and grabbed a button up shirt, a pair of jeans, and a pair of sneakers. Walking over to the bathroom, I pushed the door shut enough so Jon couldn’t see in and then quickly changed into the new clothes. Running a hand through my hair, I tossed the loose waves over my shoulder, then quickly put on some mascara and eyeliner.

Stepping back into the living room, I was greeted by Jon standing up, shoulder pressed into the doorframe, his eyes on his cell phone screen, a deep frown on his face. Walking up to him, I peeked over to see his screen and watched as the five-lettered name popped up at the top, and a huge block of text showed up underneath it. As Jon’s thumb quickly scrolled through the message to see just how long it was, he exhaled heavily and then closed the conversation out.

“She blamed me.” Jon whispered, his hands slowly slipping his phone into his jean pocket. “Said I wasn’t home enough, and when I was, I didn’t put aside enough time for her.” I could see the pain wash over his face as he kept speaking. “It’s hard, you know? Working like I do and maintaining a relationship… I guess.”

“You know it’s not your fault, right?”

Jon shrugged, his eyes dancing off ahead of him as we walked down the stairs and over to the front door. As I grabbed my wallet and keys, I turned to the brunette and felt my heart sink as I watched a stray tear fall from the corner of his eye. Huffing, I dropped my things back onto the table and turned to Jon, going on my tip-toes and slipping my hands on either side of his face. Pushing the tear away with my thumb, I looked into Jon’s big broken eyes and frowned.

“Sorry.” He breathed, the hot air leaving his lips and hitting my own.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” I whispered, my eyes never leaving his, “Jon, you’re a legend in Chicago. You gave that city a hockey team they’ve deserved for a long time, yeah? Even with all of that, you’re still you. You’re still the dorky kid I’ve been friends with, and you still have a heart of gold. You don’t deserve someone inconsiderate and selfish, you deserve someone better than that, don’t you understand that?”

Jon just stared at me through my speech, his eyes shimmering as a wall of water built up along the surface. After he nodded a little, I sent him a small smile and then kissed the tip of his nose and both of his cheeks.

“Come on, let’s go.” I grabbed my things from the table in one hand, and then grabbed onto Jon’s fingers with the other. Walking through the front door and over to my car, I felt Jon dragging along behind me. I knew that he was horrified to tell his parents, and I honestly didn’t blame him. It was to the point where he might have waited too long to tell them that they would have heard about it from other family members, or they would be insulted that they were the last to know.

No matter what happened, it was going to be a messy visit.

The ride to Jon’s house went faster than usual. No one was on the road, we managed to hit every green traffic light, and when we pulled up to Jon’s house, both of his parents cars were tucked away in the driveway. The lights were on in the house, and there was movement through the windows.

Getting out of the car, Jon waited for me on the sidewalk. When I took the spot next to him, he pulled me into a quick side hug, then took a deep breath and walked over to the front door. As I watched him move, I couldn’t help but to throw him back ten years when I would walk him home after he spent the night under aged drinking with his friends. When we would reach the house and the lights would be on at one in the morning, he would have the same scared look on his face, grab my hand, and then walk with me up to the front door.

He always liked having me there, as a shield, and I never minded.

“Jon!” I heard his mom’s voice echo from the kitchen as I stepped into the house a few seconds after him. “Hey honey, what’s-“ She stopped speaking when she saw me carefully round the corner and walk into the room. As her eyes ran from my nervous smile to Jon’s broken eyes, she slapped a hand over her heart and shook her head, her bottom lip quivering. “Jonny, what happened?”

“The weddings off.” He sighed, his eyes shutting as his mother lunged forward and wrapped him into a tight hug. Letting out a small sob, his mother mumbled something into his shoulder, which led him to let out a long groan and then press the toe of his shoe into the ground. “No, she cheated on me, mom.”

“Cheated!” His mom bellowed, her face leaving Jon’s shoulder and shimmering in the lights. As her voice flowed through the house, there was a faint thud upstairs followed by quick footsteps down the stairs. Stepping to the side, I watched as Jon’s dad rushed passed me and then paused. Turning to me, he sent me a surprised look and then paused.

Turning back to his son and wife, he let out a deep sigh and then took the spot next to his wife, wrapping an arm around her slumped forward shoulders.

Jon explained to his parents what had happened. He told them the story word for word starting from when Patrick Sharp pulled him outside and told him to the very last cancellation call he made. He told them how I saw Laura and the man at the store, showed them the pictures, and then went on about every little detail about when she cheated, how long she cheated, with who, and then her take on it.

That was the part that drove Mrs. Toews off the deep end. In a moment of wild rage, she demanded Jon to give her Laura’s phone number or address. She went on and on about how she never liked her, how she always seemed like she was trying to hard to be happy around them. It was a mother-type speech that seemed almost cliché given the circumstances.

Luckily, the two were so caught up in the cancellation of the wedding that their interest in me was minimal. Of course once they calmed down and convinced Jon and I to stay for dinner, they ran through the normal questions with me, then pulled me in for tight hugs and went on and on about how proud they were of me.

According to the, the only thing Jon could talk about when he came over a few weeks ago was how great I was doing.

Blushing like I normally did when I heard word of Jon being proud of me, I thanked them for the kind words nearly a hundred times, and then felt a tug on my sleeve. Looking over at Jon, I went to speak when he informed his parents that he was going to go show me his old room. With a nod from his parents, their faces still holding reminisce of anger and shock, Jon tucked me under his arm and walked me down the hall to the last door.

Pushing it open, he walked me inside of the room, and then carefully pushed the door behind him. Letting my eyes roam around all of the old trophies and photos, I put my hand over my mouth and went to speak when Jon walked over to me and pulled me into a tight hug, keeping his arms loosely on my hips as he pressed his face into my neck.

“I remember all of this shit.” I chuckled as I let my eyes roam around the room as Jon continued to rest his head on my shoulder. “I remember tutoring you in math and science on the floor, and I remember opening our college acceptance letter on your bed. I also remember hiding in your closet on Halloween night when you thought I got mad at you and ran home.”

Jon let out a loud laugh as he picked his head up and looked at me, the fog that had been hovering in his eyes lessening. “I hated you for three weeks for scaring me like that.”

“Yeah, I never heard a sixteen year old scream like a little girl before.” I joked, watching as Jon’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink as a chuckle passed his lips.

“You know what I remember?” He asked, wrapping his arms around my hips, keeping me almost flush against my chest. “I remember sitting on my bed when I was fifteen thinking about how I was going to ask you to marry me.”

“So you were always an idiot?” I joked, my eyes darting up to his. As he looked down at me, he dropped his eyes to my lips, and then nodded, taking his bottom lip between his teeth as he smirked.

“I should have done it.”

“Yeah,” I looked up into his eyes and felt my body catch on fire as I mentally measured the distance between our faces. “Maybe you should have.”

“You know,” he put some more space between us, letting my lungs start to function again. “Maybe I still will.”