Terrible Love

“I don’t know why I end up here after every existential crisis I have.” I whispered as I took a long sip of wine and then looked out into the backyard, watching Madelyn chase her father and Jon around the backyard, her eyes bright, her cheeks tinted pink from the extensive cardio. Smiling at the small girl as Jon caught her and threw her over his shoulder, I dropped my eyes down into my wine glass and let out a long sigh.

Abby sat quietly next to me, her one arm occupied by her youngest daughter, while the other one held a glass of wine for herself. Looking out at Jon laying in the grass with Madelyn on his chest, she shook her head and looked over at me, her eyes sad.

“I think you should have just slept with him.”

I started to choke on the liquid in my mouth. Spraying some of it onto my jeans and the floor, I listened as the baby in Abby’s arms started to giggle. Wiping the liquid from my lips, I turned to the brunette with wide eyes and stared at her, letting a small smile surface as I quickly glanced at the joyful little baby.

“What the hell, Abby?”

“I’m dead serious. He’s been over Laura for months, Aspen.” She stated flatly, her eyes darting back up to the men in the backyard as she sipped her glass. “This was just an easy out. I mean, he was going to call off his whole wedding for you, Aspen. Do you… Like, do you realize that?” Her eyes darted to mine.

“Hmm.” I sunk down in my chair.

“Aspen, the man’s madly in love with you, for one time in your life, just one time, live a little.” Abby’s words sunk into my head as I watched Jon from behind the sliding glass doors. I watched as he laughed with Patrick and quickly stopped any conversation with the man to play with his daughter. I watched as he held the little blonde girl close to him, letting her head rest against his shoulder as her little arms wrapped around his neck.

Heart throbbing in my chest, I set the wine glass down on the counter and then brought my fingers to my lips, absent mindedly running my thumb against my bottom lip, remembering the way Jon’s tongue ran over it before it slipped inside of my mouth and rubbed against my own.

When we woke up the next morning, I could tell something was off. It was nothing major, we still laughed and joked around, Jon still held me too close and kissed my forehead to many times. There was something else though, something so small that I couldn’t really put my finger on it. I wasn’t sure if it was the way his hand rested on my hip, or the quickness of the kisses to the side of my head, but something was off.

“How was it?” Abby asked after a few minutes. I hadn’t realized we had fallen into a silence as I kept watching the men outside. The sun soaking into their skin, making everything seem like a high definition movie.

“Good.”

“Just good or-,“ her curious eyes caught mine.

“I can still feel it.” I whispered, all of the blood in my body rushing to my cheeks as I felt the woman’s eyes sink into me, tearing through every single layer of skin, right down to my heart that was about to explode in my chest.

Abby adjusted the baby in her arms and stood up, keeping a firm hold on her glass of wine as she turned to me and then took a step toward the sliding doors. “Aspen Pyatt, I love you like a sister, but you’re a fucking idiot.”

“You don’t even have to tell me that, Abby.” I sighed as I looked up at her and watched her nod toward the door. Shaking my head, I let out a long sigh and then looked down at my glass of wine. Suddenly not feeling up to drinking the liquid, I set it down on the counter, pushed it to the side and then turned from the woman. Informing her I would be out in a minute, I headed into the house, my eyes roaming the hallway for a bathroom.

I mean, I should know where everything is, I designed the goddamn house.

Humming to myself to replace the eerie silence in the house, I made my way to the bathroom on the first floor, tucked in the hallway near the kitchen. Opening the door, I sucked in a huge breath and then let it out as the cool air locked in the marble filled room hit my bare skin.

Exhaling, I shut my eyes and rested my back against the door, trying to push Abby’s words out of my head. I always envied her for her honesty, I loved her for creating this adorable little family with Patrick, and I really did consider her a sister, but this last conversation left a hole in the pit of my stomach that was consuming me one second at a time.

A part of me wanted to throw up, another part wanted to drink more wine, and the other, the largest bit, wanted to go over to Jon and just press my lips to his again.

I had the taste of it, the feel of it, the smell of his skin so close to mine, and I wanted more.

It scared me, how badly I wanted to feel Jon pressed up against me. I had been thinking about this moment since I was a little teenager, and now that it had happened, it pretty much made me realize that all of the stress and heartache when Jon moved onto another girl was worth it.

I wasn’t aware how long I had been consumed by my thoughts until there was a heavy knock on the door. Jumping back from it, I tried to recompose myself and put out the fire burning in the pit of my stomach.

“Yeah, hey, what’s up?” I called out to whoever was behind the door, my lungs working harder and harder to keep my breathing a normal pace.

“Hey, it’s me,” Jon’s voice sent shiver through my spine. “I saw Abby come outside, and I didn’t see you. It’s been like ten minutes, I just… Are you alright?” I could detect the worry and awkwardness in his voice. I wasn’t sure if he was worried I was sick, or worried that I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Sucking in a deep breath, I ran my hands over my face, through my hair, and then down the opposite arm. Once there was a little warmth in my bones, I walked up to the door and pulled it open, shoving a smile onto my face as Jon’s worried eyes met mine.

“Sorry, I was just checking over my face.”

“The lights not even on.” He pointed out, a blank stare on his face as his eyes barreled into mine, searching ever pop of color, every line that made up the little pink designs across the whites of my eyes. When he was done, he pressed his lips together and took a step into the bathroom.

Stumbling back I caught my self on the sink and watched as he quietly shut the door behind him, and then turned the light and fan on. Swallowing hard as he stood in front of me, I sucked in a deep breath and tried to recompose myself. Struggling to put the happy look in my eye, I inhaled to try and calm myself down but only felt my body fill with anxiety as the smell of Jon’s cologne tore through my mind.

“Jon, what the hell?” I pushed a laugh passed my lips, but the brunette didn’t respond to it like I had hoped.

“What’s going on with you?”

“Everything’s fine, Jon, why?” I furrowed my eyebrows, focusing my eyes on his as he let out a long sigh and then ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair that he tried to style up. As he broke the bond with the gel keeping it back, a few strands fell into his face.

Nibbling on his lip, he looked down at the space between us and then let out a long sigh. “I fucked up last night, didn’t I?”

“No,” I said quickly, too quickly. Blinking away the lust that had filled my eyes, I looked down at Jon’s shoes and placed my hand on my shoulder, pressing my fingertips into the skin to try to calm myself down. “I just… I don’t…” My heart was in my throat as my eyes lifted to lock onto Jon’s. I could see the stress and worry in his face, the hurt in his eyes from my strange actions since this morning.

I knew I had hurt him. I knew as soon as I uttered ‘It was only a kiss,’ that I had fucked something up between Jon and I. When I woke up this morning, and all I could feel was the tingle on my lips and then skin on my lower back burning from where he had pulled my body flush against his, I knew I had fucked up.

“I fucked up.” I breathed, my heart nearing its breaking point. “I shouldn’t have… I… don’t want to be your rebound, Jon.” I couldn’t believe the words were falling from my lips. “I’ve been around too long, I’ve had a crush on you for too long to end up being that to you.”

Jon stayed silent. I could feel his eyes tearing through the layers of my skin. I wanted to start screaming, begging for some strange act of God to just kill me. I wanted the chance to rewind back to the previous night. I wanted to force myself to fall asleep before anything could happen. I wanted us both to be stupid friends with a secret crush on each other again.

This was all too much, it all hurt too much.

“Aspen, why would you even think that?” He finally spoke, his large hand gently resting against the side of my face.

“It hasn’t even been a week, Jon. You can’t… I can’t… It’s just-“

“Aspen Pyatt, can you stop thinking about everyone else for a minute.” I felt all of the air leave my lungs as I watched Jon slip his other hand onto my face and then gently rub his thumbs against my cheeks, his eyes holding onto mine like it was a life or death situation, which in a way, it was.

Only Jon and I could have a serious conversation to determine the rest of our lives in Patrick Sharps first floor bathroom.

Blinking a few times, I waited for Jon to speak again. “What do you want, Aspen? Don’t think about me, or Laura, our parents, your job, my job, nothing. Throw all of that away, alright?” I nodded, feeling tears push at the back of my eyes. No matter how many times they told me, I couldn’t just drop the lives and emotions of everyone else. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. I would rather be miserable than hurt someone. What if Jon and I didn’t work out? What if our amazing friendship came crashing down because we slept together?

But what was Laura to him anymore? She was an ex, the wedding was cancelled, and she was officially mobbing out of his apartment. He didn’t want her. He didn’t want her before this happened.

How true were Abby’s words? Did he really want me? Would he have really called off the wedding for me? I wanted an answer; I wanted all of the answers.

“Aspen look at me, please.” Jon’s voice cracked as he tilted my head gently back so our eyes lined up. Running my eyes over every little drop of color in his iris, I felt my heart swell in my chest. “If you want me to leave you alone, I will. I just… I need to know what you want.”

A wave of warmth rushed through me as I leaned into Jon and pressed my lips against his. For a moment, as his hands stayed on my face, I could feel the tension running through every one of his muscles. His limbs were stiff, like he was preparing for the impact of a car crash.

And then it was over. The tense muscles under my fingertips as I placed my hands against the soft fabric of his tee shirt, loosened. In one swift movement, Jon dropped his hands from my face to my hips, and pulled me tightly against him, inhaling deeply as he applied pressure into the kiss, his heartbeat mixing with mine, running through my head, making me oblivious to everything in the world but the feeling of Jon’s hands on my hips.

Our kiss went much like the one from the previous night. One of us would part our lips for air, and the other would slip their tongue in, creating a fire in the pit of my stomach that made my whole body numb. Heart racing in my chest, I felt Jon quickly tighten his grip on my hips and pick me up, walking me over to the sink and setting me down on the counter. Separating my legs, Jon filled the spot between them, pulling my hips into him, not leaving any space between us.

Hands intertwining with his locks of brown hair, I felt his lips move to the corner of my mouth. Creating a trail from the corner of my mouth and down my jaw line, he stopped when he reached the skin on my neck. Breathing heavily, the warmth from between his lips hit the sensitive skin and forced a shiver down my spine.

Pressing my lips tightly together, I suppressed a moan as Jon sunk his teeth into the skin on my neck. Wrapping one of my legs around his, I tilted my head back and let a small sigh fall from my lips as he started to suck on the skin, sending small pricks of pain though my skin.

Creating another trail to my collarbone, Jon’s fingers swiftly pushed the loose neck of my sweater down, so he could press a soft kiss onto the bone sticking out at the base of my neck. As he went back to it, I quickly felt my brain crash back into reality as I mved my hand back and hit the handle on the sink.

Water pouring from the faucet, I gasped and quickly shook my head, watching as Jon grabbed my body and moved me out of the water. Feeling the section of my sweater weighed down with water, I quickly turned away from the brunette and shut the faucet off. Turning back to him, my lips parted, trying to regain my breath, I looked up into Jon’s eyes and watched as the hunger started to die down.

Once they were back to their normal shimmer, I let out a loud laugh and then pressed my forehead into his shoulder, listening as the man started to laugh with me, calling me an idiot as he pulled me off of the counter and turned me around, inspecting the large wet mark against my back.

“You’re ridiculous.” Jon chuckled as I pulled my arms into my sweater and quickly spun it around so the wet mark was in the front and a little easier to explain to anyone who dared ask what took so long for them to come back outside.

Once my heart was back to its normal quick pace around Jon, I turned away from him and looked up into the mirror above the sink, watching as the brunette looked from his own reflection and then down to mine. Smiling, he wrapped his arms around me waist and pulled me into him, pressing a kiss to the back of my head.

“Should we tell them we were fighting?”

“I don’t think they’re going to believe the hickey on your neck.” Jon whispered into my ear as I felt his hands run from my hips, up my arms, and then move a large section of my hair to reveal the bright red mark on the side of my neck.

“Come on, Jon. I’m a goddamn professional, I can’t walk around with this on my neck!”

Blushing, Jon quickly dropped my hair down along my shoulders and then spun me around, his eyes locking onto mine. “Please don’t ever think I would use you like that.”

“Okay,” I breathed, my heart beat running through my head.

“I’m not going to let this go nowhere, okay?”

Nodding, I looked up into Jon’s big brown eyes and bit down on the inside of my mouth. Despite everything he said, everything Abby told me, and Sharp told me, despite every feeling in my stomach, I was still skeptical. But instead of pressing my insecurities on him, I swallowed hard and nodded.

“Okay.”



Jon and I left Patrick and Abby a few hours after we had tucked the two little girls into bed. The long absence when Jon and I had roughly made out in the bathroom went without question. They didn’t question the wet mark on my sweater or the way I was hyperaware of every little time the wind blew my hair back. I could tell by the shimmer in Patrick’s eye that he knew something had happened, and I could also tell that he gave Abby the hint because every time Jon would put his arm around me, I saw her shit-eating grin out of the corner of my eye.

I was happy that Jon and I were back to normal, as normal as we could be with this new addition to the strange way our friendship worked out, if we could even call what we had morphed into a friendship anymore.

There was a new fire in the pit of my stomach that raged whenever I caught Jon looking at me. I felt like a love struck teenager, blissfully unaware of everything in life but the brunette who had shoved these rose colored glasses onto my face.

Jon offered to drive home, not trusting me after I had downed two glasses of wine as I gossiped with Abby about everyone on the team. It wasn’t something I normally took part in, but because most of it was about how everyone was happy Laura was gone, I couldn’t help but to sit in and hear all of the shit talking the wives and girlfriends of the Hawks did.

At the end, when I had found out that three of them figured Laura was doing something scummy, and the rest generally didn’t like hr, she told me that they all thought that I was the best fit.

I let that thought rush though my head for the rest of the night. I was astounded that not only my parents, Jon’s parents, the Sharp’s, and the Keith’s thought we should be together, but also every other girl that had ever met Jon and I.

It was horrifying and comforting at the same time.

“You still awake?” Jon wiggled his fingers sitting comfortably between mine. Ripping my eyes from the dark scenery flying by along the hallway, I turned to Jon and blinked a few times, letting the passing streetlights cast light onto his face.

Nodding, I wiggled my fingers and listened as Jon let out a small chuckle. “What’s up?”

“Just checking on you is all.” Jon hummed, keeping his eyes on the road as he pulled our hands up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against my knuckles. “Would I sound like an asshole if I asked to sleep in your bed tonight?”

“Would I sound like a whore if I would be kind of offended if you didn’t?” I looked over at the brunette, shaking his head with a huge smile on his face. As he went to speak, I pressed my finger against his lips and watched as his body sunk back into the leather seat. Sending him a small smile when he looked over, I cleared my throat and then straightened my back.

Mustering up my best impression of Jon, I stuck a cheesy smile onto my face and ran a hand through my hair. “You’re ridiculous,” I mocked and watched as Jon jerked his head back and let out a howl of a laugh, his one hand dropping from the steering wheel and slapping down against his thigh before retaking it’s position at the wheel. As I joined in on the laughter, I pressed my head into Jon’s shoulder and then looked out at the road, a smile surfacing on my lips when I noticed our exit coming up.

As he turned into the lane to get off, I pressed my head back into the seat and shut my eyes, letting the warmth from Jon’s hand radiate through my body. “I’m tired.”

“Me too,” Jon hummed, maneuvering the car through a few streets and then finally turning on ours. Once he had slowed down and rolled up to the garage, I let out a long yawn and pushed the car door open. Pulling myself out of the car, I listened as the engine died, and the lights shut off. Seconds later, I felt Jon’s arms wrap around my waist, picking me up and cradling me in his arms like he had done with Madelyn earlier in the day.

Laughter passing my lips, I looked up at the man and squinted as I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. Walking to the front door, I managed to pull my keys from my belt loop dropping them in the process. As Jon set me down, he grabbed my keys and then returned to the spot next to me his hands inspecting the little faub that had been hanging from my belt loop. Once he deemed it okay, he grabbed my key and shoved it into the front door.

Pushing it open, I quickly flipped the light on and went to ask Jon what time it was then the brunette kicked the door shut, and then looked at me with his bedroom eyes. Gasping, I shook my head and then let a smile surface on my lips as he let a low rumble of laughter pass his lips.

“Jon, what the fuck?” I exhaled in a hearty laugh as he lunged forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to him before he spun us around so I was pressed up against the nearest wall.

When Jon pinned his hips to mine, and managed to grab my wrists and hold them above my head with one swift movement, I felt every inch of my body start to burn. My heart was racing, my mind was reeling, and I nearly lost my sanity when Jon lowered his head and set a trail of soft kisses along the side of my neck.

As a soft moan escaped my lips as his teeth sunk into a new spot closer to my shoulder, I felt Jon’s hand that had been digging into my hip slowly run up my body, his fingers gently running over every hill and valley until it reached my face. When I felt his fingers under my chin, I let a small gasp leave my lips as my eyes fluttered shut and let the feeling of his fingertips running down my neck rush through me.

Jon pulled his lips from my skin and pressed me tightly against him. Rough breathing echoing through my head, I felt my body instinctively lean into him, letting the warmth radiating from the skin under his clothes heat me through to my bones. Letting a shiver run through my spine, I looked up to see Jon smiling, his brown eyes shimmering.

“Sorry,” he said simply, his eyes running over my once before he took a step back and wrapped his arm around my hips. “I can’t help it.”

“Oh yeah, I get it all the time.” I rolled my eyes as Jon let out a loud laugh and then pulled me tightly into his chest, his lips pressing themselves into my hair a few times before he set his chin down on the top of my head.

He was silent for a moment, and then spoke four words that shattered the last bit of sanity I had left in my head.

“I love you, Aspen.”