Terrible Love

“What if I was actually peeing?” I asked as the brunette walked into the bathroom. Ignoring my words, he walked over to the edge of the tub across from me and then sat down, setting his hand down on his knee as the other ran through his always perfect hair.

Shaking his head, he let his hand rest in the back of his hair for a minute before he pulled it out and then ran it down his thigh, setting it against his knee, copying his left arms position. Taking a deep breath, he looked up at me and attempted a small smile. “I’m sorry we dragged you into this.”


“I agreed, I put this on myself.” I shrugged one shoulder as I took a moment to let Jon’s words rush through my head again, letting the venom in them soak into my stomach, leaving me almost as sick as I felt when he first said it to me, his eyes dark and angry, his hand around my wrist, stopping my temporary tantrum. “I should have seen this coming.”


“You’re allowed to hang out with other guys on the team.”


“I shouldn’t have came here with Kris.” I kept my eyes on the tiled floor.


“Do you like Kris?”

“Yeah, I enjoy his company.”


“Then what’s the problem?” The brunette asked, his fatherly tone making me groan internally. I knew he was right. I knew that living my life around Jon was stupid. I knew that Jon deserved to see me happy with another guy, but my small thirteen year old self that I had recently uncovered thought otherwise.

Shaking my head, I went to speak when I felt my hand being held by another one. Enjoying the sudden warmth, I looked up and felt my eyes lock onto the bright hazel ones that had been on me from the second he walked into the bathroom. Letting out a long sigh, I shook my head and then looked down at his hand on mine.

“Jon’s an idiot.”


“Nothing new.” I shrugged one shoulder and watched as he pushed his fingers through mine, making my heart jump into my chest. 



“You’re beautiful Aspen, you’re seriously one of the most beautiful women I had ever met. I just wish you’d stop thinking Jonathan Toews is the best you can do, because it’s not. You don’t owe him anything, you don’t owe yourself anything. Just because you had a crush on him when you were younger, doesn’t mean he’s who you’re supposed to end up with.”


“I… I know.” I felt my eyebrows furrow as I let his words sink deep into my brain. “I just… It’s hard.”



“I know… I know.” The brunette pulled his hand form mine and then set it back down on his knee. “I just want to see you happy, I feel like I haven’t seen that smile in years.”

I nodded, my heart racing as I let thoughts start to flood my brain. Did everyone realize I hadn’t been happy? Was everyone catching onto my normal apathetic demeanor? Was it that obvious that I was trying to hide me emotions and problems in my work and pretend everything was okay?

Obviously.

“Abby’s okay with you being in the bathroom with me?” I looked up at him, watching his worried features twist into a playful smirk. “Last time I was in a bathroom with a guy it was way different that this.”


Rolling his eyes, Sharp stood up and then grabbed my hand, pulling me into a tight hug as he set his chin down on my shoulder. “Why do you think I came in here instead of Jon,” Patrick whispered and then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before he turned around, my hand still in his, and led me out of the bathroom and back into the kitchen where Abby was leaning against the counter, her eyes locked on her phone as she kept one arm around Madelyn who was sitting on the counter next to her.

I pulled my hand from Patrick’s and walked over to Madelyn, her eyes darting up to me and growing twice their size as she let out a small squeal and then jumped into my arms when I got close enough to her. Kissing my cheek a few times, she let out a giggle and then wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a tight squeeze.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Auntie Aspen, all of the other fun people are not being fun.”


“Oh, and who else is more fun than me?” I joked and watched from the corner of my eye as Sharp watched me with Madelyn before turning to Abby and leaning against the counter next to her, quietly speaking to her about something I’m sure related to me and my minor breakdown.

Pulling my attention from the couple, I looked over at Madelyn and watched as she put her hands on my cheeks and pushed them together. “Did you come here with Uncle Jon?”


Swallowing hard, I shook my head and then glanced out into the living room, quickly running my eyes over the groups of guys standing around, nursing their second or third beer of the day. “No, I came with Kris today.”


“Kris!” Madelyn’s eyes widened as she tilted her head and dropped her little hands from my face. “I thought Uncle Jon was living with you now that… What did he do!”


“Oh, Mads, he didn’t do anything!” I let out a nervous laugh as I watched her wiggle in my arms. “I’m friends with more than just Jon.”


“But you guys… I thought… Well you’re my Aunt and he’s my Uncle, so-“


“Look at these two beautiful blondes.” I felt an arm wrap around my waist, making my muscles tense as I watched Madelyn roll her eyes and cross her little arms across her chest. Smiling at her reaction, I turned my head and couldn’t help but to roll my eyes as I noticed Patrick Kane standing next to me, his signature smirk hanging from his lips as an empty beer bottle hung from his fingers. “Still hate me, Madelyn?”


“I don’t hate you, nerd.”


“Nerd, ouch.” Kane slapped a hand against his chest, which caused a smile to work its way onto my face. He may have been an asshole with a suffocating personality, but he still managed to show he wasn’t as big of an asshole as I pinned him for. “You think I’m a nerd, blondie?”


“Of course, Kane.” I joked and watched as he pulled his hand from his chest and set it down on my lower back, making my jaw clench and my eyes roll involuntarily.

“I’ll always be your nerd.”


“Where’s Uncle Jon, I want someone normal to play with us.” Madelyn let out a deep sigh which caused Kane to start laughing, pulling his hand form my back and walking off into the kitchen, dropping his bottle into the recycling bin and then heading into the fridge to grab another bottle.

Just as he was about to grab another Heineken, he turned from the fridge and called out into the living room. “Any of you fucks want another beer?”

After a few loud mumbles from the living room, Kris jogged into the kitchen and went to offer his help when he looked over and noticed Madelyn and I, both of our faces holding a twinge of annoyance. Once he locked his eyes on mine, he flashed me a huge smile and then walked over, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he pulled Madelyn and I into a side hug. “How are you beautiful ladies?”


“I like this one more than that one.” Madelyn huffed as she flashed Kris a huge smile and then jerked her thumb toward Kane. “What a gentleman.” She put her hand on Kris’ chest and then pat him a few times before pulling her hand back and crossing her small arms against her chest. “I approve.”

“Glad I have your approval, princess.” Kris chuckled as he leaned over and gave Madelyn a kiss on her forehead before he looked back at me and smiled. “Need a water, my Queen?”

“Oh no, thanks.” I felt my cheeks blush as I detected another body enter the kitchen. “I’m okay, how are-“


“Two waters in, pissed about three times, enjoying the shit show these drunks are putting on.” Kris rolled his eyes as Kane tried to pile a few cans of beer in Jon’s arms before they all tumbled onto the floor. As the two men started to giggle about handing the shaken up cans to certain players, I watched Kris roll his eyes and then look back at us. “What are you two up to?”


“Girl talk.” Madelyn said shortly and then looked at me, her eyes wide, warning me to not spill that we were talking about him.

“Top secret?” He laughed as he rubbed my back and then took a step away from us, quickly offering his help to the two idiots trying to hold the cans. “If you get to makeovers and manicures, make sure to count me in.” Kris sent us a wink before walking over to Kane and Jon and offering his help. When Jon completely ignored his existence, I let out a deep breath and quickly looked back at Madelyn and nodded.

Smiling at her, she smiled back and then gave me a thumbs up.

“You did good, girl.”



I put Madelyn to bed around nine o’clock. Luckily, she fell asleep in my lap, so picking her up and putting her to bed went without any fights. When she opened her eyes and looked at me as I pulled her little blanket up to her chin, she smiled at me and then pulled me into a hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek.



“Night Auntie Aspen, I love you.” She mumbled as she turned on her side and curled up with her little stuffed bunny. Smiling down at her, I pushed some hair from her face and then stood up, whispering a goodnight to her before dimming the lights and heading into the hallway, leaving her bedroom door eighty percent shut. Standing in the hallway, I listened for a few minutes to make sure she didn’t wake back up. When it stayed silent, I headed back into the main part of the house where the few remaining people were scattered on the couches, their bodies sinking into the cushions as drinks hung from their fingers.

Swallowing hard, I walked into the living room and couldn’t help but smile as I found Abby fast asleep on Sharp’s lap, while he ran his hand through her hair. As he continued to talk to Andrew Shaw, his fingers continued running through his wife hair, making a twinge of anxiety and worry rush through me as his hushed words flowed through my head again. As I thought about it, thought about what he said, I tried to focus on the fact he was kidding, but there was something in my stomach, something in my nerves that wouldn’t let me forget it.

Did Jon want to come see me? Did he tell Jon to leave me alone? Did Jon want to see if I was okay? Did he feel bad about it? Did he want to talk to me, or just make me feel worse?

Brain lost in thought, I didn’t notice someone walk up to me and grab onto my shoulder. When the pressure finally started to break through my thoughts, I shook my head and looked up, my eyes locking onto the bright ones of the boy that I had driven here with. Shaking my head a little, I sent Kris a smile and then sucked in a deep breath, trying to play off my spacing out as being tired, but he knew something was wrong.

“Can I talk to you-“


“Excuse me, dude.” My eyes doubled in size when I noticed Jon walk up to Kris. Hand on his shoulder, Jon took a short breath and then gave Kris a short nod, “Mind if I talk to her for a second?”

Before even opening his mouth to answer, Kris looked at me with his big, bright, worried eyes and furrowed his eyebrows. Staring right into my eyes, he went to speak when I shook my head, and then gave him a small nod, my heart crawling into my throat as Kris took a step away form me, shot me one more worried look, and then turned to Jon, completely changing his facial expression to a much harder and emotionless tone.

“Go for it.” He whispered and then turned on his heels and headed back into the living room, sighing heavily as Andy started drilling him about something, which wasn’t unusual. If Andrew Shaw didn’t joke with you about something, you should be concerned, because his non-stop talking meant you were super important to him. Silence meant the complete opposite.

Trying to calm myself down, I felt Jon grab onto my hand and then lead me out of the doorway and over to the back doors. Pulling one open, he motioned for me to walk out first, and then followed closely, shutting the door tightly behind us. Once he ran his eyes around the backyard, making sure we were completely alone, he turned me toward him. Eyes locked on his, I went to back away when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

I didn’t want to hug him. I didn’t want to touch him or talk to him. I didn’t even want to breath in the same square foot of air he was breathing in, but as soon as my face collided with his chest, my arms moved involuntarily. Wrapping them around his torso, I listened as he took a deep breath and then pressed his face into my hair, his hot breath beating down against my neck.

As we stood there, I let memories of Jon and I flood my brain. I thought about when we were younger. I thought about all of the times I hugged him like this. I thought about all of the times he was dumped, all of the times he had bad games or got hurt. I thought about when I visited him in Chicago, when he begged me to move closer, begged me to come back into his life full time instead of part time. I thought about him crying over his Grandma, crying over being drafted, over being afraid of playing in the NHL. I thought about when he was diagnosed with a concussion. I thought about how he begged me to visit, begged me to stay with him for a little. I remember how out of it and scared he was. I remember him throwing up at random times, forgetting simple codes to his phone and apartment, and crashing his Mercedes.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I let more and more memories fly through my brain. I had so much history with Jon, so many moments that I couldn’t imagine sharing with anyone else. I was with him at the draft, with him during holidays, I knew everyone in his family. I knew every player on the team, every coach on the team, I even knew most of the wives. It was like Jon and I had been married for years.

And yet.

Jon pulled away and placed both of his rough hands against my cheeks. Running his thumb in circles against my skin, I let out a deep breath and felt my eyes flutter shut, the comforting feeling only Jon could give me rushing through my veins.

“I overreacted.”

I shrugged, wishing with every ounce of my being that Jon would stop talking. The moment was so nice, so tranquil. I was happy standing there with him, I didn’t focus on his sharp words or his idiotic actions. Standing there in the chill of the summer night, the heat from his body on mine still warming me, and his thumbs rubbing circles on my face, it was so perfect. I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want to fucking lose this.

“I love you.”

“Please, just be quiet.” I begged, my heart racing as I felt Jon’s thumb stop moving against my cheek. “I just want to enjoy this moment, Jon, please.” I could feel the burn in my throat as I opened my eyes and watched his big brown pools shimmer in the moonlight.

“Aspen, I fucked up everything with you so bad.”

“Jon, please.”


“I would marry you tomorrow if I could, Aspen.” Jon whispered as he directed my eyes into his. “I love you more than anything. I would give up my captaincy for you, I would give up the Blackhawks, everything, absolutely everything just to-“

Tears trickled down my face as I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. As the silence replaced his words, I let out a small sigh and felt every muscle in my back relax as I leaned into him and felt his hands drop down from my cheeks and rest on my hips. As his fingers pressed into my skin, I let out another sigh and felt Jon put more pressure into the kiss, his tongue running over my bottom lip. Parting my lips, Jon’s hands quickly moved from my hips. One pressed against my lower back as the other ran up my spine, making my whole body tremble under him. Lacing his fingers with my hair, he deepened the kiss.

Heart racing, I pulled away from Jon, gasping for air, and looked at him, my eyes finding the tears lingering in his as the moon peeked out from behind a cloud and bathed us in the cold light. “Why do you keep doing this to me, Jon?” I whispered, trying to hold my tears back as I watched him shake his head, his hands never leaving their positions. “Why do you keep playing with me.”


“I don’t want to chase you away.”


“I’m-“

“I don’t want to make you run to another guy, I don’t want to be in love with anyone else, anymore. I tried getting over you, I tried everything, and I can’t.”

“I don’t… I don’t trust you.” I whispered and watched as Jon’s face fell, the hope and pleading in his features disappearing as soon as I spoke. “Am I going to give you another chance to come home to you and Laura talking again?”


“No, no, never, Aspen. I-“


“How am I supposed to believe that?”

“You just have to trust me, Aspen, jus-“


“Trust you?” I felt my voice getting louder as I took a step away from Jon and looked into his eyes, not flooded with water. “How the fuck have you ever proved that I can trust you, Jon?”


Shaking his head, he ran a hand through his hair and looked at me, the water in his eyes finally breaking. “What about all of the times I was there for you, Aspen? What about all of the shit we went through together? All of the times I held you when you were having a panic attack? All of the times I fought for you during school? All of the times I stayed on the phone with you for hours when I had games the next day, when I had practice at five in the morning but stayed up all night with you to make sure you were alright? Did you forget about all of that, Aspen?”

Shaking my head, I placed my hand over my mouth and shut my eyes, letting the warm air leaving my mouth rebound off of my hand ad hit me in the face. As it warmed the tip of my nose and my cheeks, I felt my body start to relax.

“I can’t throw all of this away.”


“I never told you too.”

“I want to be able to come home from a game and see you on our couch.”


Our couch. Our apartment.

“I… I can’t do this right now, Jon.” I whispered, my hands shaking as I took another step back and headed toward the door. “I… You’re… Drunk and I… I’m tired… I just-“


“Aspen, just… Don’t cut me out. Don’t leave me, please.” Jon whispered, his fingers trembling as he lowered then to his sides. “I can’t handle not having you in my life, okay?”

“Okay.”

“If you want to be with Kris…” I paused, my heart racing as I watched the pain surface in Jon’s eyes. “I hope you’re happy with him.”

“Thank you.” I whispered and then turned on my heels and headed inside, my heart thumping loudly in my chest as I shut the door behind me and looked up to see Kris sitting on the counter, his eyes glued to his cell phone. When he looked up and saw me, he flashed me a tired smile and then jumped off the counter and walked over to me.

Hanging his arm around my shoulder, he pressed a kiss into the side of my head and then informed me that he was going to take a section of the couch downstairs with the guys, and the Sharp’s saved a bedroom for me upstairs. Thanking him for the information, I glanced back over to the sliding doors and then sucked in a deep breath. Head pulsing, I looked back at Kris and nodded a little. 

“Go talk to him.”

“J.. Jon?” Kris looked confused for a moment, but when he saw the tired look in my eyes, he nodded and then kissed my forehead. “Go get some sleep, I’ll see you tomorrow morning for some hungover breakfast.”


“Thank you, Kris.”


“Sweet Dreams, Blondie.”



I wasn’t drunk, but I wish I was. I wished I had continued drinking after I dropped my beer, after I saw Kris slip his hand onto the small of her back. I wanted to black out and forget about the smile that was on her face when she looked at him. I wanted to forget what it felt like to fly home alone, what it felt like to walk around my apartment and see half of everything gone. There was no note, just a set of keys on the counter near the coffee machine.

The guys were worried about me when I finally got back to Chicago. I got over not having Laura around, I got over the stale air in my apartment, but I couldn’t get over not speaking to her. I kept staring at my phone, at her name. I sat there on my couch with messages typed out. I would read them over and over again, correcting words here and there just to erase them an hour later.

I talked to Sharp. I tried to get as much information about Aspen as I could from him, but he stayed tight-lipped. It killed me that I didn’t know how she was doing. I pictured her hollow eyes when she was suffering a panic attack, I thought about the times where she pressed her face into my chest and grabbed onto my shirt, begging me not to let her go, begging me not to leave.

And I fucking left.

I just left her.

For Laura.

Really.

“Hey man.” I froze, suddenly realizing I was sitting in the middle of the patio, my knees against my chest as I stared off into the Sharp’s dark backyard. I was normally good at pulling myself together, keeping the stitches tightly pulled at the seams, but everything with Aspen made me crumble. I was in pieces with seconds with her.

“Kris, what’s up?”


“You good?”

“Yeah man, I’m good.” I lied through my teeth, hoping Kris wouldn’t notice, but as he sat down next to me and looked over, he shook his head and let out a deep sigh. “Okay, I’m okay.” He blinked, giving me that look again until I pressed my forehead against my knees and let out a long groan. “Fuck, what do you want me to say?”

“I was waiting for, ‘Stay away from Aspen, you dickhead.’ That’s what I expected.”


“Well, surprise.” I huffed and looked over at him, his eyes locking onto mine automatically.



“I know you hate me.” He rubbed the side of his face and let out a long sigh. “I’m not trying to steal her away or any of that bullshit. I’m not doing this from spite or whatever you think’s going on. She asked me to come with her, I agreed.”


I stayed silent, my heart thudding in my chest as I thought about Aspen talking to him, asking him to go with her to the party that was replacing my fucking wedding. I cringed at the thought, my body pulsing from the horrible feelings swelling in my stomach.


“I kissed her too.”


I felt my nerves start to snap.

“She kissed me back.”


“Why the fuck are you telling me this.”


He shrugged, his eyes focused in on his sneakers. “She’s not so heartbroken over you like you think, Jon. You fucked up, and it’s not my fault she’s ready to move on.”

“Oh, is she?”

“I don’t think she would have kissed me like she did, if she wasn’t.”

“Why the fuck did you come out here, to piss me the fuck off?”


“Don’t act like you’re the victim here, Jon.” Kris stood up and brushed off his jeans, “You can't pin your fuck-ups on Aspen, she's not in the wrong here because she went to a team party with me."

"Fuck off, Versteeg." I snapped, pressing my fingers into my eyes as guilt started to sink down into my stomach. I knew I treated Aspen like shit today, I knew I made her cry in the bathroom, and I knew I was putting blame on her for me being this way. I knew it was my fault, I knew it was all on me.

Shaking my head, I let out a deep breath and went to speak when I heard the sliding door to the kitchen open. After a moment of silence, I heard Kris talk again.

"Fix it tomorrow, Jon. Just fucking fix it."