Terrible Love

The flight landed around 12:15 in the afternoon. It was a commuter jet, set on the fastest stream right into O’hare International Airport. Everyone in the plane was dressed in their general business attire. The click of laptop keys filled the plane along with the low hum of the engines roaring on either side of us. In flight movies and entertainment were available, but I couldn’t find the motivation to play with the screen in the headrest in front of me.

Through the whole three and a half hour flight, from boarding to landing, all I could think about was seeing him again. I had grown used to the mellow feelings and emotions of being alone. I spent time with my parents and avoided the conversation about him and his failed engagement like the plague. My father had tried to bring it up on a few occasions as we ate dinner and spent some time watching games together.

When I shut him down, he would quickly change the subject, but still somehow lead us right back to him.

I had done a good job avoiding thoughts of the future. The overwhelming weight on my shoulders, the little voice in my ear that constantly made me think: What’s next?

Did he move on? Was the wave of emotion over?

We had parted with I Love You’s.

Were they still valid?

I could feel the anxiety of seeing Jon start to swell in my stomach as I grabbed my carry on from the conveyor belt and looked out into the long hallway of the airport. It was all open now. The last thing I had to do was make my way downstairs to the baggage claim, where he was probably standing.

I knew exactly what he looked like, I could see it in my head. Short pushed back hair, clean shaven face, sweater, jeans, some type of boot and his signature black peacoat. His hands would be shoved into his jean pockets and he would be standing there, shifting his weight from one leg to another.

My stomach knotted thinking about it.

Autopilot kicked in as I followed signs to the baggage claim. I was surrounded with people on their phones, chatting with one another, or scrolling through social media. The world was buzzing around me, but I felt nothing. I felt like I had been sucked into a vacuum. I felt like I was slowly being consumed by every anxious thought I had.

The sound of my heartbeat was echoing through my head. I had lost feeling in all of my fingers. The numbness was starting to run up my arms, slowly consuming my whole body. Every step I took felt like two ton weights were hooked onto my shoes.

I wanted to let the weight on my shoulders pull me down. I wanted to let my knees crumble under me. I wanted to lay down, shut my eyes, and wake up in my bed again. I wasn’t ready for this. I needed more time. I was still scared.

I was scared.

Why? Why was I so terrified of him, of his words, of his touch?

“Oh my god,” the voice echoed through my head like it was the only sound in the world. Looking up, I felt everything around me start to slow down as my eyes locked onto the brunette across the room. He was standing there, hands shoved in his pockets, leaning forward, eyes shimmering from the fluorescents hanging above us.

The corners of my lips started to move upward as I took a few more steps closer to him. People walked around me, flashing through my vision like bolts of lightning in a midnight sky. They were there for a moment, but then it was just him.

“Aspen,” Jon’s body started to move closer to me. His eyes held mine as he took a few large steps across the tile. I felt like I was in a movie. I felt like I was dreaming,

When my face collided with his chest, the world paused. All I could hear was the quick rhythm of his heartbeat against my ear. His arms wrapped around my frame and held me tightly, causing the cold that hid itself in my bones to escape. I felt warm.

I felt safe.

And then he pulled away, his arms slowly falling from my body and taking residence at his side. I watched them slip away from me in slow motion, like watching your childhood house crumble to the ground.

“You look great.”

“I was warm,” I blurted out, my cheeks growing red from the childish phrase. It was the first time I had seen Jon in four months. The first time I was able to hear his voice, and out of everything I wanted to say, everything I needed to say, that was the first thing to roll off my tongue.

The brunette looked at me, his eyes inspecting every inch of my face before a wide smile appeared on his lips. He took me into his side, pressing a long kiss to the side of my head. Just the feeling of his lips against my skin brought back every memory and emotion I had felt over the summer.

But, it felt different now.

The fleeting feeling was gone. I didn’t feel like this was something I would never get to experience again. I didn’t feel like I was racing against an unknown entity, against time, against Jon and his indecision. I didn’t feel like the world was spinning beneath my feet. I didn’t feel like everything I tried to hold onto was slipping away.

“Did you need to pick up a bag?” Jon asked into my hair as he leaned into me again. The scent of his cologne was filling every bit of my sinuses. I could feel it start to relax every muscle in my body like I had just been drugged.

I was in a daze.

“Just me, my laptop, and this guy,” I placed my hand on the handle of my rolling suitcase and looked up at the brunette. I was surprise when I caught him staring at me, those teddy bear brown eyes holding mine like if he let go I would disappear.

He looked at me like I was a shooting star, like if you looked away, you’d miss it.

With a nod, Jon tucked me under his arm and grabbed the handle to my suitcase. Guiding me through the people, I watched as he looked around and back at me. When he noticed how my eyes stuck to him, a smirk crept onto his lips.

He asked if there was something on his face.

I said no.

He asked if there was something wrong.

I stayed silent.

He didn’t press the issue as we left the airport and headed toward the short-term parking lot. Part of me wondered why Jon always parked and walked into the airport when he picked me up from flights. Everytime I had previously flown into O’Hare, it was the same deal. I would look up from the ugly tiled floor and see him.

I was happy this time was no different.

We stayed silent through the parking lot. Jon would occasionally lean down and kiss the side of my head. He adjusted his arm around me a few times. I stuck my hand in his coat pocket when the cold air was too much for me to handle. Other than those small actions, we didn’t speak. I didn't look up at him. I didn’t feel his eyes on me.

Jon’s car was parked a few spots from the other cluster of cars. His silver luxury car glistened in the sun, just like it always had. When we reached it, he paused at the trunk, pulled his arm from me and carefully set my bags inside. When he closed it, the comfortable silence we had between us ended.

“What were you feeling for lunch?” The brunette rested his body against the trunk of the car, hands in his pockets, eyes narrowed to block out the sun as he looked at me. “I was going to take you to Lou’s, but I didn’t know if you were ready for deep dish just yet.”

I smiled. A genuine, full hearted smile as I looked at him. He knew deep dish was my favorite thing to get while we were here. He remembered how much I loved Lou’s.

“Maybe for dinner one night?”

“Ah,” Jon pushed his body from the car trunk and nodded, “I figured.”

We stood there, looking at each other in the middle of the parking lot for what felt like hours. The cold air hitting my skin didn’t phase me when I looked at him. I could stand here until the end of time and by the way he looked at me, his eyes never leaving mine, I knew he felt the same.

I didn’t know how all of the worry and anxiety in my body left when I saw him. I had been building myself up to the moment his eyes held mine again. I was barely coherent when I walked through the airport. I felt like my brain was slowly fading in my cranium. I felt like when I saw him I was going to throw up. I felt like I was preparing myself to see a different person.

“I’m sorry,” Jon’s voice echoed through my head as I blinked myself back into reality. Running my eyes over every spec in his iris, I shook my head. The lining of my throat felt like sandpaper when I parted my lips to speak. My tongue felt swollen in my mouth, and my teeth hurt like the words I had been practicing used them as punching bags.

I had thought of what to say when this came up. I had planned it. I had spent the last five days thinking of how to act around him, thinking of what to say.

Now, standing in front of him, I couldn’t say any of it.

“I ruined things, ya know?” My eyes widened, but I stayed silent as the brunette looked down at our feet. I wanted to tell him to stop talking. I wanted to beg him to get in the car and take me to get pizza. I wanted to keep this peace we had, this quiet acceptance of the other despite everything we had put each other through. I didn’t want the summer again.

I didn’t want to ruin this tranquility.

“Jon, it’s the past.” I whispered, my throat so raw I was sure blood was on my tongue after I spoke. “There’s nothing to apologize for anymore.”

Jon looked at me for a long moment, his eyes holding mine in a stern stare. He knew I was hurt. He knew he had taken my already fragile mental stability and pushed it from a cliff. He knew how terrible I had been doing. He knew it wasn’t okay.

He knew my radio silence was a red flag. He knew me distancing myself from a whole group of people meant there was something wrong. He had heard it from Abby. He heard it from Sharp and his parents. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few other guys on the team reached out to him about my words.

They all knew I was lying. They all knew I needed this time, that I needed time to heal.

“I didn’t realize it until I was home.” He took a step closer to me. “Just how bad I hurt you over the summer. I had so much going on in my head, so many feelings and shit.” I wanted to smile at Jons choice of words, but my brain couldn’t gather control of the muscles in my face. “I took everything going on in my head and just pushed it off on you, like you were supposed to magically answer every question in my mind.”

I shook my head.

“I didn’t realize how much I needed you until I barely had you anymore,” Jon gently set his hands down on my shoulders, his eyes barreling into mine. “I never lied to you, Aspen. Every word that came out of my mouth, I meant everyone. I want you to know that, okay?”

I nodded.

Jon took me into a hug. His arms wrapped tightly around me, so tight it was almost uncomfortable, but I didn’t speak up. I just stood there, thoughts running through my head at warped speed. I knew what I was afraid of now. I realized why my defense was so high, why I was so determined to cut him and everyone else out of that permanent section of my life.

I was in love with him.

They had told me so many times before, just because we had history didn’t mean I needed to date him. Just because I had a crush on him since I could have a crush, didn’t mean he was the one. They told me it was all in my head, that it was just the idea of it all. They told me it was the feeling of being comfortable with someone. They said it wasn’t love.

But they were wrong.

I was afraid to be in love with him. I was afraid to act on all of the feelings I had been bottling up for so many years. I was afraid of ruining things, afraid of being dependent on another person.

“Are you still staying with Abby?”

I nodded, my thoughts still running through my head as I watched him pull away. When my head stopped bobbing on my shoulders, I looked up at the brunette and watched as his eyes scanned the world around us, and then landed back on me. He smiled a little, his large hand reaching up to my face and cupping my cheek as his thumb ran a trail on my numb cheek.

A small hum left my throat as I shut my eyes and pressed my face into his warm palm. I was so tired from all of the tension my body had been holding since I walked into the airport this morning. I was so tired of being in my head, tired of hearing my long winded thoughts.

“I need a nap,” my eyes fluttered open and landed on Jon’s. “I’ve been up since three.”

“A nap, huh?” His smile was contagious. “Pot of coffee and grilled cheese at my place? I’ll let you sleep on the couch.”

“Oh, the couch.” I rolled my eyes at his invitation, “you know that couch is just my favorite.”

We smiled at each other, a full grin that struggled against the constraints of our face. It was so wide my muscles hurt from the movement. I enjoyed the tension in my face, the feeling it gave me to smile up at him. I liked seeing the happiness I felt reflect back in his eyes.

“So, is that a yes?”

“How could I pass up such an invitation?” I grabbed onto Jon’s hand, still cupping my cheek and pulled it to my lips. Kissing his knuckles, I looked down and noticed the bright red skin along my fingers. Scrunching up my nose, I sent him a goofy smile. “Mind if I get the gloves out of my suitcase?”

Nodding, the brunette turned from me and opened the trunk. Pulling my suitcase up, he unzipped it and flipped the top back. As the other half of the suitcase flopped to the side, I looked down and saw the neatly folded Blackhawks jersey, the name and numbers facing us.

Smiling, I rubbed my hands along the back of my arms and went to speak when Jon ran his hand over the name and then turned to me. When I looked up at him, I felt every thought leave my brain. His eyes were dark and hazy, the bright look they had was gone. Instead, they looked like glass just about ready to shatter.

I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat nearly doubling in size as the end of Jon’s lips dipped down. A burning sensation ripped through me as I looked at him. A wave of anxiety crashed down on my nerves. What was he upset about? How was seeing his jersey making him react this way? He was the one that told me to bring it. He knew I had it.

He knew I wouldn’t forget it.

Just as I parted my lips to speak, Jon slipped his hand onto the back of my neck while the other lightly grabbed onto my hip. Gasping, I looked up and caught his eyes just as his lips hit mine. As the feeling of the kiss sent shock waves through my body, my eyes fluttered shut and I melted into him.