Terrible Love
Vingt
Abby called me not even five minutes after Jon had walked out of the door to his condo. When I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, I knew something was wrong. She asked me a few generic questions about the flight, and then told me the reason for her call; Madelyn was sick with a stomach virus. Abby confessed she’d been throwing up for the last hour. She wanted to tell me sooner, but the thought didn’t cross her mind until she mad a moment of silence without vomit on her clothes.
I was worried more than upset. Abby tried to keep apologizing, but every time I would shut her down. I didn’t care about the failed plans, I only cared about Madelyn getting better. When Abby had finally accepted my concern, she let out a heavy sigh and redirected the conversation right to where I was staying.
The second she told me, I had instantly thought about finding a hotel nearby that had a vacancy. I told her it wasn’t a big expense and even if it was, Mike and Maria had already agreed to pay. When she laughed, I realized what she was thinking.
Do you really think Jon is going let you stay in a hotel?
Her words swam through my head through the rest of our conversation. I told her about the flight and the clients I was meeting. I told her about the groundbreaking and the fancy dinner they invited me to. She asked if I was bringing Jon as my plus one.
I honestly hadn’t thought much about it.
When we finally ended the call, I was laying down on the couch, my leg hanging off of the cushion as I looked up at the ceiling hanging above me. I thought about staying here with Jon. I thought about pulling him along to the dinner that Mike and Maria had invited me to. I could feel my heart flutter as I thought about him in a nice suit, walking next to me into one of the nicest restaurants in Chicago.
I thought about that look he gave me when he was proud of me. I thought about looking up to see it, surrounded by the hustle of the city, street lamps, and moonlight.
Before I could stop myself, I had my cell phone pressed to my ear as I listened to the ring come through the other end of the line. After another long ring, the man's voice ripped through the phone. “Aspen, are you alright?” Jon seemed breathless as he called out to me.
“Yeah, of course,” I couldn’t help but laugh as my eyes traced along the ceiling of his living room. “Abby has sick kids and rescinded her invitation for me to stay there.” I could feel my heart start to race as I thought about Jon offering to find me a hotel. I thought about him subtly hinting toward the idea of him having dates over and I was in the way.
I felt sick for a minute.
“So, you’ll be there when I get home?” Jon’s voice rebounded instantly. His words were soft and warm like a big blanket. As I let my eyes flutter shut from the comforting sound, I imagined him standing outside of the locker room, still in his coat, leaning against the wall with that dumb smile on his face.
I love that dumb smile.
I sucked in a small breath as I pulled my arm from my side and rested it against my forehead. “I don’t want to be in your hair the whole-”
“You know I’m not letting you stay in a hotel, Blondie,” Jon sighed into the phone. “What, you don’t like my apartment anymore?” He faked hurt as a small laugh left my lips.
Before I could respond, I felt my heart start to pound in my chest. I thought about waking up to him again. I thought about doing the small daily routines of the morning and night with him around. I could feel his arm hanging over my shoulder as we watched TV. I could still feel the tingle run across my skin from where he would press his lips into my temple before mumbling something to me.
“I don’t want to intrude on whatever plans you have.” My teeth pulled in my bottom lip as Jon let out a long breath followed with a short groan. I prayed it was a groan that he was tired of me being stupid and not a groan that was followed by him admitting plans to me.
“You are my plans, Aspen.” I felt the world start to spin as I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath as Jon continued talking. The concerned thoughts I had started to leave as he continued, “I was trying to find a way to hang out you more, I guess I owe whatever little germ-ball got Mads sick.”
“Jon!” I laughed as I felt my heart soar thinking about spending the next few days in his gorgeous loft apartment. I thought back to how we used to be when I would visit. I thought about curling up on the couch in my jersey with his name on it, snuggled under his Fighting Sioux knit blanket, watching him play on his large TV. I thought back to the countless times I had fallen asleep in the hours between the end of the game and him returning home.
I could still feel the euphoria of waking up to him peering down at me, his hair still wet from the post-game shower.
A tingle rushed through the nerves on my face as I thought back to him kissing me this morning when he saw his jersey in my suitcase. I could still feel the knot in my stomach from the way he looked at me, how big and bright his eyes were when they were tracing over his last name stitched into the fabric.
“Am I terrible?” Jon whispered with a hint of playfulness to his voice after a moment of silence. I rolled my eyes as a response. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, blondie.”
“What, do you have the condo bugged?” I laughed as I shut my eyes and let out a deep sigh. “Nanny cams?” The laughter that came through the other end of my phone was enough to float me up to cloud nine. My brain was in a fog as I let images of Jon and I fill the empty space in my head.
Images of the two of us from past years started to burn the backs of my eyes. I thought about looking up at him the same way through so many moments. I thought about the way his lips pressed to my temple or whispering something in my ear gave me the same shivers and butterflies. Ever since we were pre-teens, every time he looked at me with those big brown eyes I would melt.
“I already miss you.”
“Jon, don’t you have a game to get ready for?” I whispered as my heart strings started to hurt from the weight of his words. He knew this was a short visit. He knew in a few days we would be back in Winnipeg, and after another game, he would be gone. Sure, I would be in and out of Chicago to help Mike and Maria with their house and interior, but it wasn’t a whole summer. It wasn’t everyday. “I’m going to be asleep on your couch when you get home, don’t think so far ahead.”
Jon hummed for a moment before letting out a long sigh. “Promise?”
“Promise, Jonny.” I whispered and felt myself smiling like an idiot as I reopened my eyes and glanced over at my suitcase still sitting in the middle of the living room. “Go win the game.”
“You got it, Blondie.” Jon whispered.
After a short goodbye, I hung up the phone and let out all of the air in my lungs as my eyes stayed transfixed on the suitcase. I thought about the jersey packed away. I thought about the nice dress I had neatly folded and shoved in with my other clothes. I thought about the games I would attend and the people I would see. I thought about hanging out with all of the wives and girlfriends again. I thought about the dinner and how awkward I was going to be when I asked Jon to go with me.
Shaking my head, I pulled myself into a seated position and slapped my cheeks gently. I didn’t need to be this in my head about things. I didn’t need to drive myself mad over whatever was going to happen or had happened between Jon and I.
I needed to answer emails, get things together for clients, and watch the game.
Priorities, Aspen. Pull your head out of your ass
I stood up from the couch and went over to my suitcase. Instead of dragging my things into Jon’s room, I headed to the spare room I normally stayed in and tossed my suitcase onto the bed. Unzipping it, I pulled a pair of yoga pants and my jersey from the clothes. Peeling off the outfit I had on, I slipped into the new outfit.
For an instance, I thought about taking my yoga pants off. I thought about Jon's reaction to see me laying on his couch, in his jersey, and nothing else.
Again, I had to knock some sense into myself.
As the thoughts in my head started to fight with themselves, I grabbed the Fighting Sioux blanket from the bed, pulled my laptop bag from the floor, and headed back into the living room. Once i settled myself into the couch, I put the television on, went right to NBC Chicago, opened my laptop, and got ready for a long night of doing work and thinking about those eyes peering down at me when I woke up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was almost shaking as I pulled on my suit jacket and started to adjust the tie around my neck. We had won the game 6-2, I had a hat trick and two assists. It was, by far, the best game I had played in the last two seasons. My skates felt weightless, my mind was able to focus on the game, and the puck seemed like it was magnetically attracted to my stick.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
During the first and second intermission, all I could think about was her sitting on the couch, all of her makeup off, staring up at the television watching me play. I knew the small fist pumps she would involuntarily make when a player she liked scored. I knew the shimmer in her eye when she saw me play. I knew how she would struggle to stay awake between the end of the game and when I would get home.
Nothing has made me as happy as I am when I walk into my apartment and see her asleep in my jersey. Her laptop would always be open on the coffee table, her screensaver lighting up the room. The cable box on the TV would hit it’s timer and shut off. The blanket from my college years would be over her, snuggled up right to her chin like it was the dead of winter.
My body vibrated just thinking about seeing her.
“You want to grab a few, Captain?” Kane’s voice echoed through my head as I shoved my keys and phone into my suit pant pockets. Shaking my head, I turned to him and smiled over at the man giving me the look he always did when he knew I was hiding something.
Over the last few months, Kane had tried to push me back out into the dating pool. He would introduce me to his friends that were girls, he tried to set up blind dates and other cringe-worthy things, but they all ended the same. I either bailed the day before, or I sat there the whole time making a list of cons instead of pros and then analyzing them against the list of cons for Aspen.
Spoiler alert, her list of cons was lives in Winnipeg. That’s it.
“Sharp’s kids are sick so Aspen is-”
“Oh!” Kane exclaimed as he pressed his shoulder to mine and then stepped into me, shielding us from the other men in the locker room. “You guys going to make up?” The blonde winked as he pressed his elbow into my ribs.
I couldn’t stop the heavy, dramatic, sigh leaving my lips as I looked at the blonde and rolled my eyes. Sure, I had thought about walking back into my apartment to see her laying on the couch in nothing but my jersey nearly a million times, but I couldn’t entertain the thought for too long. I almost felt guilty thinking of her like that. I had placed Aspen into this category that no other woman could reach. She wasn’t some sex symbol, she wasn’t someone I could just use.
I was almost afraid to touch her.
“I am not,” I nodded my head once and looked up at him, my lips pressed into a thin line as I lifted my eyebrows and waited for the blonde to continue. When he didn’t, I nodded my head and straightened my back, ending the conversation. “I’ll talk to you late, Pat. Cool?”
Pat nodded, the shit-eating grin never leaving his lips. “Let me know how it goes.”
Instead of snapping at him or dragging out the fight I was not going to win longer, I grabbed my duffle bag and hung it from my shoulder. Calling out a simple goodbye, I turned from the men mumbling back at me and pushed the locker room door open.
When I was in the hallway, I looked around and thought about calling her. I thought about listening to her sleepy voice congratulate me on the game I had as I drove home. I felt like I needed to hear her so I could keep my sanity on the drive home. I only lived about twenty minutes away from the United Center, but it was twenty minutes too much.
I had listened to her voice in my head replay over and over again since I left Winnipeg after the Sharp’s BBQ. I had her beautiful eyes filled with tears ingrained in my head for weeks. Every time someone would mention her, my heart would feel like it was being torn apart. It was always about how distant she was, always about how they barely got a response from her. They all tried to keep it from me, they all tried to keep me in the dark, but I knew. Even in our longest period of not seeing each other, Aspen and I would send a text back and forth at least twice a day.
During the last few weeks, I was lucky to hear from her once a week.
When I reached my car, I tossed my bag in the trunk and slammed it shut. As I looked down at the fabric, I thought about looking down and seeing her suitcase there. I could still remember the way my jersey was neatly folded in her suitcase, placed name up like always. From all of the time I had spent with Aspen, I picked up on a few of her peculiar habits. She would always pull her sleeves down when she was nervous, she would always put her hair up when she was busy with work, and she would always fold my jersey like that. Every other jersey she had ever owned would always appear collar up. Mine, was always name first.
I never questioned it. I never asked her about it.
It was so special to me, I was afraid if I pointed it out she would change her ways.
I spent the whole drive back to my apartment thinking about her. I could still picture her sitting in her room at her drafting table, her hands working quickly as she sketched out every idea bouncing around in her brilliant brain. She was so dedicated to her work, so in love with everything she had accomplished.
I never told her this, but her dedication always fueled my own. Aspen had always been singled out, always been picked on. She dealt with so much in her life, from deep seeded depression to crippling anxiety. She doubted herself, she was shy, she was afraid of failing. She was afraid of being everything the kids in our classes said she would be.
But through all of that, through her nights of hyperventilating in my arms, silently sobbing as her brain short circuited, she never gave up.
She got into the best college, got the best internship, and got the best job.
Time after time, day after day, she proved everyone wrong. She lived in a million-dollar home. She drove a car that was more expensive than my own.
She deserved every single thing.
What I was so terrified of, what drove me to the mess I had made over the summer was, did she deserve me?
Could I and would I ever be good enough for someone like her?
In terms of hockey, I thought of myself highly. I knew muscle groups and workouts. I knew where to grab food in different cities. I knew how to travel, I knew how to ice skate, and I knew how to do what I did. But math, engineering, forming a well written paper, doing anything academic, I was lost.
I was afraid she would realize how different we were. I was afraid our past would wear off and she would realize I wasn’t good enough for her, not enough for her.
All of my thoughts were on fire as I pulled into the parking garage of the building and parked the car. Running my hand through my still wet hair, I let out a long breath and pressed my back into the seat. Every nerve in my body was vibrating as I thought about my next move. I was afraid to see her. I was afraid she would see the look in my eyes. I was afraid she would see the indecision and worry running through my mind.
She always did. She always knew.
With a deep inhale, I pushed my door open and let the chilly Chicago air hit my skin. Blinking a few times, I shut the door and made sure I had my iPhone, keys, and wallet. When I felt all of them sitting in my pockets, I headed across the parking garage, my heart racing with every step I took.
The image of her on the couch kept running through my head. Everytime I blinked I could see her smile. Every moment of silence in my head, I could hear her voice. She was infectious. I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I was being overtaken with schizophrenia. There had to be some reason for this, some reason for this obsession of feeling her against me.
Maybe I was obsessed.
Maybe it was the realization that I loved her.
That after everything we had been through, after every time in our lives when we entered a relationship as soon as the other was single, now was our time.
“Oh my god,” I breathed as I hit the elevator button and pressed my hands against my face. “What is wrong with me.” I snapped as I pressed my fingers into my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Once my lungs were full to capacity, I opened my eyes, looked up at the numbers descending and let out all of the air in my chest.
After a few more deep breaths, a loud bell rung through the room as the elevator doors opened. Stepping inside, I pressed the button for my floor, leaned against the back wall, and shut my eyes. Within seconds, I saw her. I thought back to how her eyes shimmered when she looked up and saw me in the airport. I can almost smell the faint smell of her shampoo as she wrapped her arms around me.
I could still feel the knot in my stomach from when I saw her emerge from the crowd. I could still feel my nerves vibrating as I kissed her.
The elevator stopped at my floor and let out another shrill ring. As the doors slid open, I quickly walked out into the hallway and started the walk to my door. Step after step, I could feel my heart race. I started over thinking. My thoughts started to run wild. I thought about her not being there. I thought about her leaving me a note and staying at a hotel. I thought about the frown on her face, the clouds in her eyes.
I was jogging.
My heart was in my throat as I reached my door and quickly shoved my key into the doorknob. Fingers shaking, I turned the knob, pushed the door open, slamming it shut the second I took a step into the apartment. As my heart beat echoed through my ears, I looked around until my eyes found her messed up blonde hair poking over the edge of the couch.
Everything was quiet.
“Hey Jonny,” She hummed as she turned around and rested her folded arms on the back of the couch. Sending me a sleepy smile, the blonde put her chin down on her folded arms and let out a small yawn. “Nice hat trick, you show off.”
I couldn’t form any words as I walked over to her, watching her as she crawled off the couch and stood up. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were barely open, and she was wrapped in my jersey and a pair of yoga pants. My Fighting Sioux blanket had tumbled to the floor. Her laptop was open and on the coffee table, the screensaver bouncing around. The television in front of her was off.
Everything was just like it usually was.
She looked perfect standing in front of me.
“I love you,” I blurted out, my eyes wide as I looked down at her and watched as her sleepy eyes widened. Her pupils had almost completely consumed the blue in her eyes as she tilted her head to the side and parted her lips. After pushing out a few puffs of air, she nodded her head.
Licking her lips, she pulled the sleeves of the jersey over her hands and laughed to herself. “I love you too, Jon. What’s the occasion?”
When she looked up at me, I lost all control of my limbs. Without a second thought, I took step closer to her, slipped my hands on her cheeks and kissed her. My heart was racing as she let out a soft moan, her body melting into mine as she wrapped her arms around my neck and laced her fingers with my hair. I could feel every inch of her pressed against me. Every time our tongues would touch, I could feel her shiver in my arms.
I was out of breath. I was almost completely numb.
I didn’t want to stop, but I was terrified to go any further.
“Jon,” Aspen moaned as I left a trail of kisses from her lips to her collar bone. As her fingers tugged on my hair a little, I picked my head up and watched as her bright blue eyes met mine. “Pump the brakes?” She questioned, causing my brain to spiral back into reality. Blinking a few times, I moved my lips from her skin and looked down, feeling a blush cover my cheeks as I slowly pulled my hands from under the jersey hanging from her shoulders.
“I got a little carried away,” I whispered as I watched the blonde in my arms jerk her head back and let out a loud laugh. “Okay, a lot.”
“A lot!” Aspen looked back at me and smiled, “Are you sixteen, again?”
“I hope not,” we shared a laugh as Aspen pulled her hands back to her sides and then looked at me, her lips curled into a soft smile. After a small yawn, Aspen slipped her hand against my cheek and ran her thumb in circles a few times. Swallowing hard, she sucked in a sharp breath and looked up at me.
“Will you go to my client dinner?” I felt my eyes widen as I looked at her. “The couple told me and a guest to join them at some fancy place in Chicago after the ground break.”
‘Yes’ was on the tip of my tongue, but I wanted to keep hearing her voice.
“You’re the only person I want to go with.”
My heart exploded in my chest as I leaned into her again, pressing my lips to hers. After a few seconds, I pulled away and smiled at her.
“Parading me around like a show pony?”
“Maybe,” Aspen sent me a wink as she stepped away from me and dropped herself back onto the couch. Pulling the blanket up to her chin, she stretched her legs along the cushions and grabbed the remote. Turning the cable box on, she looked up at me and jerked her head to the side.
“I need you to walk me through the highlights.”
“You got it, blondie.” I laughed as I kicked off my shoes, took off my jacket, and quickly walked over to the couch and sat down on the edge. After some shifting, she wedged me between her and the back of the couch, pulled my arm around her, and then kicked the blanket over the two of us. Resting my chin on the top of her head, I took in a deep breath and let my body relax into the couch.
I wanted her here every night.
I wanted her in Chicago.
I wanted her with me.
I was worried more than upset. Abby tried to keep apologizing, but every time I would shut her down. I didn’t care about the failed plans, I only cared about Madelyn getting better. When Abby had finally accepted my concern, she let out a heavy sigh and redirected the conversation right to where I was staying.
The second she told me, I had instantly thought about finding a hotel nearby that had a vacancy. I told her it wasn’t a big expense and even if it was, Mike and Maria had already agreed to pay. When she laughed, I realized what she was thinking.
Do you really think Jon is going let you stay in a hotel?
Her words swam through my head through the rest of our conversation. I told her about the flight and the clients I was meeting. I told her about the groundbreaking and the fancy dinner they invited me to. She asked if I was bringing Jon as my plus one.
I honestly hadn’t thought much about it.
When we finally ended the call, I was laying down on the couch, my leg hanging off of the cushion as I looked up at the ceiling hanging above me. I thought about staying here with Jon. I thought about pulling him along to the dinner that Mike and Maria had invited me to. I could feel my heart flutter as I thought about him in a nice suit, walking next to me into one of the nicest restaurants in Chicago.
I thought about that look he gave me when he was proud of me. I thought about looking up to see it, surrounded by the hustle of the city, street lamps, and moonlight.
Before I could stop myself, I had my cell phone pressed to my ear as I listened to the ring come through the other end of the line. After another long ring, the man's voice ripped through the phone. “Aspen, are you alright?” Jon seemed breathless as he called out to me.
“Yeah, of course,” I couldn’t help but laugh as my eyes traced along the ceiling of his living room. “Abby has sick kids and rescinded her invitation for me to stay there.” I could feel my heart start to race as I thought about Jon offering to find me a hotel. I thought about him subtly hinting toward the idea of him having dates over and I was in the way.
I felt sick for a minute.
“So, you’ll be there when I get home?” Jon’s voice rebounded instantly. His words were soft and warm like a big blanket. As I let my eyes flutter shut from the comforting sound, I imagined him standing outside of the locker room, still in his coat, leaning against the wall with that dumb smile on his face.
I love that dumb smile.
I sucked in a small breath as I pulled my arm from my side and rested it against my forehead. “I don’t want to be in your hair the whole-”
“You know I’m not letting you stay in a hotel, Blondie,” Jon sighed into the phone. “What, you don’t like my apartment anymore?” He faked hurt as a small laugh left my lips.
Before I could respond, I felt my heart start to pound in my chest. I thought about waking up to him again. I thought about doing the small daily routines of the morning and night with him around. I could feel his arm hanging over my shoulder as we watched TV. I could still feel the tingle run across my skin from where he would press his lips into my temple before mumbling something to me.
“I don’t want to intrude on whatever plans you have.” My teeth pulled in my bottom lip as Jon let out a long breath followed with a short groan. I prayed it was a groan that he was tired of me being stupid and not a groan that was followed by him admitting plans to me.
“You are my plans, Aspen.” I felt the world start to spin as I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath as Jon continued talking. The concerned thoughts I had started to leave as he continued, “I was trying to find a way to hang out you more, I guess I owe whatever little germ-ball got Mads sick.”
“Jon!” I laughed as I felt my heart soar thinking about spending the next few days in his gorgeous loft apartment. I thought back to how we used to be when I would visit. I thought about curling up on the couch in my jersey with his name on it, snuggled under his Fighting Sioux knit blanket, watching him play on his large TV. I thought back to the countless times I had fallen asleep in the hours between the end of the game and him returning home.
I could still feel the euphoria of waking up to him peering down at me, his hair still wet from the post-game shower.
A tingle rushed through the nerves on my face as I thought back to him kissing me this morning when he saw his jersey in my suitcase. I could still feel the knot in my stomach from the way he looked at me, how big and bright his eyes were when they were tracing over his last name stitched into the fabric.
“Am I terrible?” Jon whispered with a hint of playfulness to his voice after a moment of silence. I rolled my eyes as a response. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, blondie.”
“What, do you have the condo bugged?” I laughed as I shut my eyes and let out a deep sigh. “Nanny cams?” The laughter that came through the other end of my phone was enough to float me up to cloud nine. My brain was in a fog as I let images of Jon and I fill the empty space in my head.
Images of the two of us from past years started to burn the backs of my eyes. I thought about looking up at him the same way through so many moments. I thought about the way his lips pressed to my temple or whispering something in my ear gave me the same shivers and butterflies. Ever since we were pre-teens, every time he looked at me with those big brown eyes I would melt.
“I already miss you.”
“Jon, don’t you have a game to get ready for?” I whispered as my heart strings started to hurt from the weight of his words. He knew this was a short visit. He knew in a few days we would be back in Winnipeg, and after another game, he would be gone. Sure, I would be in and out of Chicago to help Mike and Maria with their house and interior, but it wasn’t a whole summer. It wasn’t everyday. “I’m going to be asleep on your couch when you get home, don’t think so far ahead.”
Jon hummed for a moment before letting out a long sigh. “Promise?”
“Promise, Jonny.” I whispered and felt myself smiling like an idiot as I reopened my eyes and glanced over at my suitcase still sitting in the middle of the living room. “Go win the game.”
“You got it, Blondie.” Jon whispered.
After a short goodbye, I hung up the phone and let out all of the air in my lungs as my eyes stayed transfixed on the suitcase. I thought about the jersey packed away. I thought about the nice dress I had neatly folded and shoved in with my other clothes. I thought about the games I would attend and the people I would see. I thought about hanging out with all of the wives and girlfriends again. I thought about the dinner and how awkward I was going to be when I asked Jon to go with me.
Shaking my head, I pulled myself into a seated position and slapped my cheeks gently. I didn’t need to be this in my head about things. I didn’t need to drive myself mad over whatever was going to happen or had happened between Jon and I.
I needed to answer emails, get things together for clients, and watch the game.
Priorities, Aspen. Pull your head out of your ass
I stood up from the couch and went over to my suitcase. Instead of dragging my things into Jon’s room, I headed to the spare room I normally stayed in and tossed my suitcase onto the bed. Unzipping it, I pulled a pair of yoga pants and my jersey from the clothes. Peeling off the outfit I had on, I slipped into the new outfit.
For an instance, I thought about taking my yoga pants off. I thought about Jon's reaction to see me laying on his couch, in his jersey, and nothing else.
Again, I had to knock some sense into myself.
As the thoughts in my head started to fight with themselves, I grabbed the Fighting Sioux blanket from the bed, pulled my laptop bag from the floor, and headed back into the living room. Once i settled myself into the couch, I put the television on, went right to NBC Chicago, opened my laptop, and got ready for a long night of doing work and thinking about those eyes peering down at me when I woke up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was almost shaking as I pulled on my suit jacket and started to adjust the tie around my neck. We had won the game 6-2, I had a hat trick and two assists. It was, by far, the best game I had played in the last two seasons. My skates felt weightless, my mind was able to focus on the game, and the puck seemed like it was magnetically attracted to my stick.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
During the first and second intermission, all I could think about was her sitting on the couch, all of her makeup off, staring up at the television watching me play. I knew the small fist pumps she would involuntarily make when a player she liked scored. I knew the shimmer in her eye when she saw me play. I knew how she would struggle to stay awake between the end of the game and when I would get home.
Nothing has made me as happy as I am when I walk into my apartment and see her asleep in my jersey. Her laptop would always be open on the coffee table, her screensaver lighting up the room. The cable box on the TV would hit it’s timer and shut off. The blanket from my college years would be over her, snuggled up right to her chin like it was the dead of winter.
My body vibrated just thinking about seeing her.
“You want to grab a few, Captain?” Kane’s voice echoed through my head as I shoved my keys and phone into my suit pant pockets. Shaking my head, I turned to him and smiled over at the man giving me the look he always did when he knew I was hiding something.
Over the last few months, Kane had tried to push me back out into the dating pool. He would introduce me to his friends that were girls, he tried to set up blind dates and other cringe-worthy things, but they all ended the same. I either bailed the day before, or I sat there the whole time making a list of cons instead of pros and then analyzing them against the list of cons for Aspen.
Spoiler alert, her list of cons was lives in Winnipeg. That’s it.
“Sharp’s kids are sick so Aspen is-”
“Oh!” Kane exclaimed as he pressed his shoulder to mine and then stepped into me, shielding us from the other men in the locker room. “You guys going to make up?” The blonde winked as he pressed his elbow into my ribs.
I couldn’t stop the heavy, dramatic, sigh leaving my lips as I looked at the blonde and rolled my eyes. Sure, I had thought about walking back into my apartment to see her laying on the couch in nothing but my jersey nearly a million times, but I couldn’t entertain the thought for too long. I almost felt guilty thinking of her like that. I had placed Aspen into this category that no other woman could reach. She wasn’t some sex symbol, she wasn’t someone I could just use.
I was almost afraid to touch her.
“I am not,” I nodded my head once and looked up at him, my lips pressed into a thin line as I lifted my eyebrows and waited for the blonde to continue. When he didn’t, I nodded my head and straightened my back, ending the conversation. “I’ll talk to you late, Pat. Cool?”
Pat nodded, the shit-eating grin never leaving his lips. “Let me know how it goes.”
Instead of snapping at him or dragging out the fight I was not going to win longer, I grabbed my duffle bag and hung it from my shoulder. Calling out a simple goodbye, I turned from the men mumbling back at me and pushed the locker room door open.
When I was in the hallway, I looked around and thought about calling her. I thought about listening to her sleepy voice congratulate me on the game I had as I drove home. I felt like I needed to hear her so I could keep my sanity on the drive home. I only lived about twenty minutes away from the United Center, but it was twenty minutes too much.
I had listened to her voice in my head replay over and over again since I left Winnipeg after the Sharp’s BBQ. I had her beautiful eyes filled with tears ingrained in my head for weeks. Every time someone would mention her, my heart would feel like it was being torn apart. It was always about how distant she was, always about how they barely got a response from her. They all tried to keep it from me, they all tried to keep me in the dark, but I knew. Even in our longest period of not seeing each other, Aspen and I would send a text back and forth at least twice a day.
During the last few weeks, I was lucky to hear from her once a week.
When I reached my car, I tossed my bag in the trunk and slammed it shut. As I looked down at the fabric, I thought about looking down and seeing her suitcase there. I could still remember the way my jersey was neatly folded in her suitcase, placed name up like always. From all of the time I had spent with Aspen, I picked up on a few of her peculiar habits. She would always pull her sleeves down when she was nervous, she would always put her hair up when she was busy with work, and she would always fold my jersey like that. Every other jersey she had ever owned would always appear collar up. Mine, was always name first.
I never questioned it. I never asked her about it.
It was so special to me, I was afraid if I pointed it out she would change her ways.
I spent the whole drive back to my apartment thinking about her. I could still picture her sitting in her room at her drafting table, her hands working quickly as she sketched out every idea bouncing around in her brilliant brain. She was so dedicated to her work, so in love with everything she had accomplished.
I never told her this, but her dedication always fueled my own. Aspen had always been singled out, always been picked on. She dealt with so much in her life, from deep seeded depression to crippling anxiety. She doubted herself, she was shy, she was afraid of failing. She was afraid of being everything the kids in our classes said she would be.
But through all of that, through her nights of hyperventilating in my arms, silently sobbing as her brain short circuited, she never gave up.
She got into the best college, got the best internship, and got the best job.
Time after time, day after day, she proved everyone wrong. She lived in a million-dollar home. She drove a car that was more expensive than my own.
She deserved every single thing.
What I was so terrified of, what drove me to the mess I had made over the summer was, did she deserve me?
Could I and would I ever be good enough for someone like her?
In terms of hockey, I thought of myself highly. I knew muscle groups and workouts. I knew where to grab food in different cities. I knew how to travel, I knew how to ice skate, and I knew how to do what I did. But math, engineering, forming a well written paper, doing anything academic, I was lost.
I was afraid she would realize how different we were. I was afraid our past would wear off and she would realize I wasn’t good enough for her, not enough for her.
All of my thoughts were on fire as I pulled into the parking garage of the building and parked the car. Running my hand through my still wet hair, I let out a long breath and pressed my back into the seat. Every nerve in my body was vibrating as I thought about my next move. I was afraid to see her. I was afraid she would see the look in my eyes. I was afraid she would see the indecision and worry running through my mind.
She always did. She always knew.
With a deep inhale, I pushed my door open and let the chilly Chicago air hit my skin. Blinking a few times, I shut the door and made sure I had my iPhone, keys, and wallet. When I felt all of them sitting in my pockets, I headed across the parking garage, my heart racing with every step I took.
The image of her on the couch kept running through my head. Everytime I blinked I could see her smile. Every moment of silence in my head, I could hear her voice. She was infectious. I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I was being overtaken with schizophrenia. There had to be some reason for this, some reason for this obsession of feeling her against me.
Maybe I was obsessed.
Maybe it was the realization that I loved her.
That after everything we had been through, after every time in our lives when we entered a relationship as soon as the other was single, now was our time.
“Oh my god,” I breathed as I hit the elevator button and pressed my hands against my face. “What is wrong with me.” I snapped as I pressed my fingers into my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Once my lungs were full to capacity, I opened my eyes, looked up at the numbers descending and let out all of the air in my chest.
After a few more deep breaths, a loud bell rung through the room as the elevator doors opened. Stepping inside, I pressed the button for my floor, leaned against the back wall, and shut my eyes. Within seconds, I saw her. I thought back to how her eyes shimmered when she looked up and saw me in the airport. I can almost smell the faint smell of her shampoo as she wrapped her arms around me.
I could still feel the knot in my stomach from when I saw her emerge from the crowd. I could still feel my nerves vibrating as I kissed her.
The elevator stopped at my floor and let out another shrill ring. As the doors slid open, I quickly walked out into the hallway and started the walk to my door. Step after step, I could feel my heart race. I started over thinking. My thoughts started to run wild. I thought about her not being there. I thought about her leaving me a note and staying at a hotel. I thought about the frown on her face, the clouds in her eyes.
I was jogging.
My heart was in my throat as I reached my door and quickly shoved my key into the doorknob. Fingers shaking, I turned the knob, pushed the door open, slamming it shut the second I took a step into the apartment. As my heart beat echoed through my ears, I looked around until my eyes found her messed up blonde hair poking over the edge of the couch.
Everything was quiet.
“Hey Jonny,” She hummed as she turned around and rested her folded arms on the back of the couch. Sending me a sleepy smile, the blonde put her chin down on her folded arms and let out a small yawn. “Nice hat trick, you show off.”
I couldn’t form any words as I walked over to her, watching her as she crawled off the couch and stood up. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were barely open, and she was wrapped in my jersey and a pair of yoga pants. My Fighting Sioux blanket had tumbled to the floor. Her laptop was open and on the coffee table, the screensaver bouncing around. The television in front of her was off.
Everything was just like it usually was.
She looked perfect standing in front of me.
“I love you,” I blurted out, my eyes wide as I looked down at her and watched as her sleepy eyes widened. Her pupils had almost completely consumed the blue in her eyes as she tilted her head to the side and parted her lips. After pushing out a few puffs of air, she nodded her head.
Licking her lips, she pulled the sleeves of the jersey over her hands and laughed to herself. “I love you too, Jon. What’s the occasion?”
When she looked up at me, I lost all control of my limbs. Without a second thought, I took step closer to her, slipped my hands on her cheeks and kissed her. My heart was racing as she let out a soft moan, her body melting into mine as she wrapped her arms around my neck and laced her fingers with my hair. I could feel every inch of her pressed against me. Every time our tongues would touch, I could feel her shiver in my arms.
I was out of breath. I was almost completely numb.
I didn’t want to stop, but I was terrified to go any further.
“Jon,” Aspen moaned as I left a trail of kisses from her lips to her collar bone. As her fingers tugged on my hair a little, I picked my head up and watched as her bright blue eyes met mine. “Pump the brakes?” She questioned, causing my brain to spiral back into reality. Blinking a few times, I moved my lips from her skin and looked down, feeling a blush cover my cheeks as I slowly pulled my hands from under the jersey hanging from her shoulders.
“I got a little carried away,” I whispered as I watched the blonde in my arms jerk her head back and let out a loud laugh. “Okay, a lot.”
“A lot!” Aspen looked back at me and smiled, “Are you sixteen, again?”
“I hope not,” we shared a laugh as Aspen pulled her hands back to her sides and then looked at me, her lips curled into a soft smile. After a small yawn, Aspen slipped her hand against my cheek and ran her thumb in circles a few times. Swallowing hard, she sucked in a sharp breath and looked up at me.
“Will you go to my client dinner?” I felt my eyes widen as I looked at her. “The couple told me and a guest to join them at some fancy place in Chicago after the ground break.”
‘Yes’ was on the tip of my tongue, but I wanted to keep hearing her voice.
“You’re the only person I want to go with.”
My heart exploded in my chest as I leaned into her again, pressing my lips to hers. After a few seconds, I pulled away and smiled at her.
“Parading me around like a show pony?”
“Maybe,” Aspen sent me a wink as she stepped away from me and dropped herself back onto the couch. Pulling the blanket up to her chin, she stretched her legs along the cushions and grabbed the remote. Turning the cable box on, she looked up at me and jerked her head to the side.
“I need you to walk me through the highlights.”
“You got it, blondie.” I laughed as I kicked off my shoes, took off my jacket, and quickly walked over to the couch and sat down on the edge. After some shifting, she wedged me between her and the back of the couch, pulled my arm around her, and then kicked the blanket over the two of us. Resting my chin on the top of her head, I took in a deep breath and let my body relax into the couch.
I wanted her here every night.
I wanted her in Chicago.
I wanted her with me.