Terrible Love

“Pat’s flying out a few days early to hang for a while before the party.” Jon announced as he walked into my room and threw his body onto my perfectly made bed. As a few pillows fell onto the floor, I shot him a glare and watched as his lips pulled into a huge smile. Knocking more pillows from the bed, I rolled my eyes and let a small chuckle pass my lips as I turned back to my drafting table and started to sketch out a few more things before I felt a presence over my shoulder.

Instead of speaking, Jon just watched as I quickly and very lightly sketched in the placement of the fireplace and then after some more measuring and a few erased marks, I started to draw it in with a softer pencil so the lines would stick out.

It had been a few days since I drank four and a half glasses of wine, and our relationship was back to normal. Jon visited his parents a few more times, I locked myself in my room during these times, and the bachelor party was drawing near. A wee from today, all of the guys would be crawling around the city, over their limit of alcohol, doing god knows what.

“He should be here in two days.”

“So I have a little less than a week of him drinking a beer and hitting on me?” I rolled my eyes as Jon let out a loud laugh and nodded his head a little. “Maybe we can put him up in a nice hotel.”

“Oh stop, so he finds you attractive, kind of hard not to.” Jon retorted as he sent me a sly smile and then threw himself back onto my bed. “Besides, it’s all in good fun, he knows I would never let him lay a fucking pinky finger on you.”

Letting out a loud laugh, I spun around on my chair and watched as Jon rolled onto his back and propped himself up so his eyes could meet mine. When he saw the challenging look on my face, he pinched the bridge of his nose and rolled his eyes dramatically. Sighing heavily, the brunette took a pillow from the bed and tossed it at me.

“Oh, so you remember how you encouraged Steegs to come hit on me when we were all out after you idiots won the cup?” I seethed, my eyes narrowing as Jon started to laugh, his eyes shutting and his strong posture crumbling.

“He was in love with you, what can I say?”

“Tell him I’m not on the market.” I huffed and turned away from the brunette. As I picked up my pencil and pulled myself back into the table, I herd Jon let out a long sigh from the bed.

“You should get out and meet someone.” His voice was serious, something I rarely heard from him despite his oh-so-famous nickname. “I mean, the guys aren’t really that bad. Kane, no.” I listened as he rolled off of the bed and walked over to me, “But Versteeg’s a good guy, Shaw, Seabsie, Saader, I mean-“

“Honestly Jon, the last thing I want to do is date one of your man-child friends. I’m not… I’m pretty content being this way. I do my job, get paid a lot, do whatever I want, I might even get a cat soon, I mean-“

Jon sighed and gave me an annoyed look. “You’re honestly happy this way? You wouldn’t want someone to come home to? Someone to make you dinner or take you out to the movies or-“

“Is it really worth it if you just end up breaking up or divorcing anyway? Relationships are created on virtually nothing these days. People have no fucking boundaries, no respect for their significant others and I honestly do not want to put myself in one of those situations. I don’t want to be cheated on; I don’t want to deal with break-ups and divorces. I have a career, a really good fucking career, and I refuse to let anyone fuck with it.”

Once my speech was over, Jon stayed silent as he carefully pulled my chair over to the bed and then spun it around so my legs were neatly tucked between his. As the blood from my body started to pool in my cheeks from my sudden outburst of my deep dark fears of life, my eyes dropped down to my hands out of embarrassment.

Clenching my jaw, I inhaled sharply and watched as Jon’s hand came into view. As he gently rested his fingers under my chin, he pulled my head up so my eyes were in his. “Not everyone is like that, Aspen.”

“Yeah but out of how many people are there genuinely respectful people anymore? One out of a hundred thousand? You think I really have that luck?”

‘Well we’re friends and that’s pretty lucky of you.” Jon whispered causing my eyes to roll as a smile forced its way onto my face. As we both started to laugh, I wrapped my arms around Jon’s neck and carefully adjusted my grip as we both stood up and he pulled me tightly against his body.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” I looked up at the brunette and watched as he smiled at me.

“Yeah, I know you love it though.” He winked and then gave me a sly smile before he tightened his grip on me and threw me back into my bed, laughing as I groaned as all of the pillows slowly slipped onto the floor.

Grumbling, I rolled onto my back and watched as Jon plopped himself down next to me, folding his arms behind his head, letting his tee shirt ride up to expose his strong stomach. After catching myself glancing at it, I rolled onto my side, facing the opposite way and let out a heavy sigh.

“Versteeg was a good kisser.” I offered after a few minutes of silence. “A little sloppy, but he was down a few beers.” The silence from the other edge of the bed made my smile widen. “I’d give him a shot.”

“I was kidding.”

“He’s what, twenty-six/seven now? Sounds good to me.”

“Enough.”

“Does he still have the same phone number?”

“You’re an asshole sometimes.” Jon grumbled as he pressed his hand against my back and gave me a small shove closer to the edge of the bed. Shaking my head, I turned around so I was facing him and as his eyes connected with mine, I gave him a devious smile.

After asking if Kane was as good of a kisser as Versteeg, Jon’s cheeks lit up a bright red and he quickly grabbed me and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me so they could hold me tightly against him but also grab my sides, making me scream and laugh until tears rushed from my eyes.

As he continued to tickle me, I shook my head a few times and tried to break from his grasp, but he was far too strong. My muscles were no math for his as I tried to pry his fingers from my body.

After five minutes I begged for a truce and I received mercy on one condition.

“You have to answer one question, just one okay, it’s a yes or no question.” Jon said, sitting up, his eyes and facial features drowning in seriousness as he grabbed me hand and gave me a small tug so that I would sit up too. When I did, he started to rub his thumb against the back of my hand as he looked down at the sheets beneath us.

The silence between us was starting to make me sick. The worried look in his big brown eyes was driving me crazy. I wanted to ask him what was wrong. I wanted to ask him what the question was, and worst of all, I wanted to kiss him. The way his teeth played with his bottom lip as he looked at me made my heart want to crawl up my throat.

Parting my lips to speak, Jon let out a light sigh and then nodded a little.

“Would I ever have a chance with you, Aspen.”

My eyes widened as I looked at him, completely shocked. I felt like the world had stopped spinning, like time had stood still and the only thing I could feel was his hand on mine, and the only thing I could hear was his breathing.

“Jon, what-“

“I need to know. I can’t get married unless I know, Aspen.” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel my body. My tongue was swelling in my mouth, my throat was closing, and my lungs had ceased inflating. He couldn’t be serious; he couldn’t be asking me this. This must be a joke.

My heart was racing as I dropped my eyes down to his hand on mine. The only thing I could feel was his thumb running against my knuckles.

“Aspen, please.” I looked up at him again, letting my eyes get lost in his big brown ones. They were so perfect, they had always been perfect, ever since I could remember, I loved watching Jon’s emotions play through his eyes.

“Jon, this isn’t fair. I-“

His rough hands carefully slipped onto either side of my face. Leaning in a little, Jon’s breath started to become erratic. I swore I could hear his heart beating, I swore I could feel his fast pulse through his hands.

“Aspen Pyatt, would I ever have a chance to be with you, because if there is some fucking chance that you could love me as much as I love you, I can’t marry Laura.”

“Jon, I can’t fucking do that, I can’t fucking answer this like-“

“Aspen”, Jon’s face was inches from mine, “Aspen, I need an answer.”

Heart racing, I felt myself start to get lost in Jon’s eyes as they started to glaze over with a wall of tears. His features were so strong, so tense that I wanted to just lean in and press my lips against his.

I just wanted to see him happy again.

But how could I answer this question. How could I do that to him, to Laura, to all of the people that were already attending the wedding, all of his friends that were flying out here to attend the bachelors party.

The coral flowers.

The grey bridesmaid dresses.

How could I be so selfish?

How could I say yes?

What if Jon called the wedding off?

I couldn’t live with myself.

I couldn’t do it.

“Marry her, Jon.”



I tried to control my thoughts as I pulled onto the highway and pressed my foot against the gas pedal, listening to the engine roar as the hand on speedometer quickly went from forty to sixty-five and then rose a little more to seventy.

Shaking my head a little, I started to drum my fingers against the wheel as I watched the signs for the upcoming exits fly passed me. After Jon had asked me that question, and I responded the way I did, we ceased speaking to each other for the rest of the day. When I saw him, I couldn’t get myself to look him in the eyes. I didn’t want to see what my answer had done to him.

The next day, before Jon had even woken up, I gathered some things together in an old duffle bag I had shoved in my closet after I had called Patrick Sharp. When he first answered the phone, instead of saying hello, he quickly asked what had happened and after informing him that I couldn’t really explain it because I was still so confused by everything, he insisted that I come stay with him in Alexander for a day or two.

So I agreed and within a half hour of hanging up, I quickly scribbled a note to Jon, hung it on the fridge door, and then dashed out of the house, tossing my duffle bag into the passengers seat.

The drive to the Sharp’s vacation home was an hour from the small suburb that I had settled down in. Luckily I had called early enough that by the time I had hit route 59 North, there was no traffic and I was able to get up to a dangerously high speed.

After a half hour of listening to the hum of the engine as I raced down the highway behind the other people speeding, I carefully looked down and hit the button on the side of the touch screen that turned the Bluetooth on. Once the small ding rang through the speakers, I hit the play button that had appeared on my iphone and listened as the familiar hum of Band of Horses started to play through the car.

With the calm alternative music humming in the background, I managed to focus on the road for the last half hour of my drive.

Although I was away from Jon and there wasn’t really anyway he could get to the Sharp’s house unless he had Laura pick him up and drive him here, or anyone else for that matter, I still felt the anxiety swirling in the pit of my stomach from his question.

It was so out of the blue.

How could he just bring that up so easily? How could he just ask me something like that and expect an answer right away?

How could he pull this shit only months before his wedding?

My hands were shaking by the time I had reached the entrance to the Sharp’s house. Their home was set maybe a quarter of a mile from a very spaced out and very quiet street that lined the views of the Winnipeg River. As I slowly made my way up the driveway, I pulled up behind their rented Land Rover and watched as the front door to their bungalow styled home flew open and a small blonde girl tore down the front steps and sprinted toward my car.

Smile surfacing on my face, I quickly hit the button to shut the car down, then opened the drivers side door and shut it just before the blonde girl jumped up toward me. Grabbing her, I quickly pulled her into me for a tight hug as I spun her around, listening to her innocent laughter fill the air.

“Auntie Aspen! I thought they were joking when they said you were coming to visit today but you’re here! Is Uncle Jon with you too?” Her bright blue eyes stuck on mine, scanning them for an answer, but as she watched my smile fade a little, she sighed and nodded her head once. “Well I like you more anyway.” Placing a kiss on my cheek, I kissed her back and then looked up to see Abby walking out of the house as Patrick stayed leaning against the door with their little baby cradled in his arms.

Once Abby reached us, she sent me a warm smile and quickly grabbed my duffle bag from the passengers seat. “Told you I wasn’t lying, sweetie.” Abby flashed her daughter a smile which caused the little girl to roll her eyes dramatically.

“I’m going to be hearing about this forevers.” She huffed as she wrapped an arm around my neck and watched as I walked over to her mother and pulled her in for an awkward hug. “How long is Aspen staying, mommy?”

“Hmm, well I think a day or two, I guess it depends.” Abby sent me a wink and then quickly turned toward the house and gave me a wave to follow her.

As I walked up the long driveway toward the home, I felt a smile creep onto my face. Eyes tracing over the large windows and wooden accents, my heart welled up in my chest as pride and happiness rushed through my veins.

Three or so years ago, Patrick Sharp and his wife had decided on buying a piece of land on the river to build their home. After going through four different architects and not being able to find a design they liked, Jon introduced them to me and we all clicked instantly. Then when I showed them the plans, they fell in love with the house and the construction on it was started nearly three weeks after.

Now every time I saw it, I couldn’t help but to have the same stupid smile on my face. It was one of my all time favorite designs I had done and I liked it even more because I got to visit it as often as I wanted and while the Sharp’s were in Chicago, I got to maintain it.

“How are you, Aspen?” Patrick asked as he shot me a worried look when we reached the front steps.

Nodding a little, I shot him a weak smile and then walked passed him into the house behind Abby and watched as the blonde girl wiggled in my arms. Setting her down, she quickly grabbed my hand and went to drag me downstairs to the game room when her mother stopped her.

“Maddie, Aspen, Mommy, and Daddy have to talk for a little, okay?”

“Is everything okay?” The blonde’s eyes widened as she looked up at all three of us, her little lips twisting down.

“Everything’s fine Maddie”, I reassured her with a big smile, “It’s just about really boring grown up stuff, taxes and money and politics and stuff, it’s-“

“Okay have fun Auntie Aspen!” Madelyn shot us a big smile before she quickly walked to the basement door and jogged down the stairs.

Once the sound of the pinball machine started to echo from the basement, Abby grabbed Sadie from Patrick’s arms and informed us that she would be right down after she put him down for a nap.

Watching her disappear into the house, Patrick led me to the kitchen and pulled out a stool for me to sit down at the large island in the center of the room. Quietly moving around the counter, he fixed me a big mug of coffee, then made himself one and started a tea for Abby.

Not speaking at all, he poured some creamer into his mug and then took the seat next to me, setting his mug down and pressing his elbows into the marble countertops.

“So, what did he do?”

I shut my eyes tightly as Jon’s words started to play in my head. Over and over again I could hear him ask me that question. I could hear the strain in his voice, I could hear the way he pleaded, almost begged me to say yes. I knew he knew I loved him. I knew he loved me too, but I couldn’t do it.

I wouldn’t.

Swallowing hard, I pressed my palms onto the smooth countertop and dropped my gaze from the cabinets lining the walls to my cup of coffee.

“He asked if he ever had a chance with me.”

“What?” Patrick screamed, his head snapping to the side as his wide, bright blue eyes started to burn holes in the side of my head. “What, what the fuck, what?” He stuttered, his head shaking back and forth as he continued to stare at me.

Shaking my head a little, I hung my face closer to the cup of coffee, letting my eyes flutter shut as the steam warmed my face. I was happy that Patrick was making a big deal out of this. For a few hours the previous night, as I stood up staring at my ceiling, I started to believe that maybe I was blowing this out of proportion.

I mean, the way he asked, the way he brought it up it was so simple. The way he begged me, the way he spoke, it was like he already knew the answer and I was just trying to play a game with him.

But I wasn’t.

“What did I miss?” Abby quickly grabbed her mug from the counter across from the island and sat down on the stool to my left. “Oh fuck, Pat what happened?” She asked as her eyes started to examine me. “Pat-“

“Jon asked if Aspen if there was ever a chance for him with her.”

“That idiot, Jesus Christ Almighty.” Abby roared and then quickly glanced over at the basement door. When only the faint sound of the pinball machine and Madelyn’s laughter filled the air, she shook her head and pushed her mug away from her.

“Did he mean-“

“He said that if there was any way that I could love him as much as he loved me, then he couldn’t marry Laura.”

“Oh my god”, Patrick and Abby roared at the same time, jerking their heads back as they slapped their hands on the table. “Well, what did you tell him?” Abby asked eagerly, her fingers drumming against the black marble.

“I told him to marry Laura.”

“I love you to death Aspen, but you’re just as stupid as he is.”

“You love him Aspen, why wouldn’t you tell him?” Patrick offered as a more reasonable response to my words.

“I can’t do that to him and her… The wedding? How fucking selfish, how horrible. What if he really did call it off? How could… I don’t like Laura all that much, but… How can I do that? The flowers, the dresses, the reservations and invitations, how could I just shit on all of that.”

Patrick hummed as a response and sipped his coffee, shaking his head a little as he set the mug gently back down. “I know you’ve known him longer than I have, but honestly Aspen, all Jon does it talk about you. He’s making a mistake marrying her and he knows it.”

“Well that shouldn’t be my problem.” I snapped as I turned my head to lock my eyes onto his. “Why should I have to put myself in this situation so he doesn’t fuck up, huh? How is this on me? Why can’t he do this himself?”

Patrick frowned as he looked at me and without a word; he shrugged and then looked back down into his coffee mug. For the next half hour, the three of us sat in silence, sipping the contents from our mugs and listening to the childish giggles and dings of the pinball machine from the basement.

Once I finished my coffee, I stood up, walked the mug over to the sink, and then carefully set it down. Shaking my head a little, I turned around, staring at the two and then felt my lip start to quiver as the familiar burn started to tear through my sinuses and my throat.

“What do I do?”

They couldn’t give me an answer.