Terrible Love

“We need to talk.” The brunette whispered as he carefully shut my bedroom door and leaned against it, his normally sun-kissed, bright skin, a pale shade of it’s former color. Darting my eyes to his, I straightened my back, crossed my arms over my chest, and then nodded, trying to control the pace of my heart.

I knew what this was about; I just wish this wasn’t the last conversation we would have before he would go drink himself into oblivion with his teammates.

“Shoot.” I responded, the disdain I held for him fading away in the last few days we haven’t really spoken to each other. It was easier to forgive and forget when you didn’t have to hear him talk about it so much.

“You’re going to my wedding with fucking Versteeg?”

“Kris, yeah, he asked the other day.” I tried to keep my voice void of any of the anger swelling in my stomach.

“What the fuck?”

“Why the fuck not?” I responded, using the same tone as him as my arms pressed deeper into my rib cage. It was horrible to admit, but the last two days of not speaking to him, were keeping my mind pretty steady. The first day I was a wreck, but after Pat showed up, the stress lessened, and once the other three goons were here, I was almost back to my normal self.

Almost, and that almost was because whenever I was in the same room with Jon, it was evident that he was still extremely hurt over everything that had happened. Jon was one of the only people I knew that could brush big things off like nothing. He could rewind and alter his mind to be back to his normal self after being knocked out of the playoffs, he would be down for a day or two but then be right back at the gym and stick practice with a smile on his face.

Nothing had ever really stolen the shimmer from his eyes for this long.

“He just wants to get in your pants, Aspen.” Jon snapped, his eyes morphing into a caring kind of angry as he took a step closer to me, his fingers pressing harder into each other.

Huffing, I pulled my hand to my face and pinched the bridge of my nose. “You think I’d let that happen?”

“Everyone’s going to be drinking, I-“

“I’m not a drunk. I drink a lot when I’m alone, not when I’m at a major event. Have some faith in me, huh?”

“I trust you, Aspen.” Jon said, his voice almost hitting a normal tone he used with me when we had serious conversations. “I just don’t trust him.”

Nodding, I looked up into Jon’s eyes and felt a weight pile on my shoulders. Over the passed few days, when the anger I had for Jon started to wither away, I started to rethink my last threat to him before the silence between us began. Could I really cut Jon out of my life after the wedding? Could I really watch him marry Laura and then never speak to him again?

After basically my whole entire life with him in it, could I live the rest without him? Without his stupid stories, teammates, and faces. Could I keep going without his sentimental flowers or text messages, his words of encouragement and surprise visits when he knew I was at my breaking point?

Could I completely cut the ties with the guy that basically kept me alive throughout high school, pushed me to better myself, to do whatever I wanted to do?

No.

“Everything is going to be fine, alright?” I looked up into his eyes, the flurry of emotions I had got from my sudden deep thoughts hitting me all at once. “Go have fun tonight, and don’t do anything too stupid.”

“I miss you.”

“We live in the same house.” I responded, avoiding the truth behind his words. Dropping my gaze to the floor, Jon let out a small sigh and then took a few steps back, his eyes running over me a few hundred times as we stood there in silence.

Sighing, I listened as the footsteps softened as they reached the hallway. “Are you going to come down and say goodbye to everyone?”

“Of course,” I whispered and carefully took a few steps over to the door and softly closed it behind me. Inhaling sharply, the smell of Jon’s cologne rushed through my body, causing my stomach to know, and guilt start to tear through my spine.

I could have him.

Jonathan Toews, my crush since I could even have crushes, could be mine. All I had to do was open my mouth, all I had to do was just tell him, tell him I loved his eyes and his smile, his stupid laugh and the way his muscles created a beautiful map across his body.

I was in love with him, I always have been and a small part of me will always be.

But I couldn’t be that selfish. I just couldn’t do it.

“You ready Jonny!” Pat’s voice tore through my thoughts, making my head spin as I hit reality and looked at the group of men who were all nicely dressed, smothered in cologne, standing in my foyer.

“Aspen!” Patrick Sharp took a large step over to me and flashed me a weak smile as Jon got pushed from teammate to teammate. “Maddie has been crying almost everynight because she yelled at you that day.” My heart broke as I watched the seriousness fill his eyes. “When we come down for the dinner in two days, she’s probably going to cling to you the whole time, just a warning.”

Lip quivering, I nodded and smiled as Sharp pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head as he let out a chuckle. Telling me not to worry about anything, he bid me a goodnight and slipped back into the crowd of men.

Letting my eyes trace over all of them, I felt a small smile appear on my face as they hit a particular blonde who was off to the side, his eyes dancing from man to man until they eventually danced over to me. After a quick glance, he went to look back down at his phone when his head jerked over in my direction and he sent me a huge smile.

Mirroring the smile back at him, he pushed his phone into his back pocket and quickly walked through a few guys to make his way over to me. “Hey, ready for a peaceful night?”

“You have no idea,” I joked as I watched his smile widen. “I’m not going to be able to relax with you goons out and about though.”

“Oh, we will be fine. We’re not all like Kane.” We shared a laugh as I nodded my head and slapped a hand to the side of my face.

“I couldn’t even imagine.” I shuddered at the thought and then swayed my body back and forth as we fell into a comfortable silence. As a minute ticked by, I cleared my throat and asked the man where they were headed. When he responded with a few high-end bars, a nightclub, and possibly a strip club, I rolled my eyes and let out a scoff.

Informing him to not be a dumb ass, he let out a howl of a laugh and quickly pulled me into him, pressing a kiss to my forehead. As we stood in a tight embrace, I thought the kiss flew under the radar of the other guys, but as I let Kris’ heartbeat fill my head, a foreign hand hit my shoulder.

Of course, it was the brunette I had been battling for what felt like the last century. Turning from Kris, my hands falling at my sides, my eyes locked onto his filled with anger and a twinge of jealousy. Nodding his head to the side, I sent Kris an apologetic look, which was met with a warm smile.

As the guys continued to talk without Jon and I, my lips parted and let out an annoyed sigh. “Every time I talk to someone, is this going to happen?” Anger was pulsing through my body as I looked up at the boy, my eyebrows meeting in the center of my forehead as my arms pressed tightly against my chest. “I’m sick of it already.”

“It’s not about that.” Jon whispered, his eyes locking onto mine. “I just wanted to apologize, for real, for everything I put you through. You’re my best friend Aspen, you’ve kept my head on straight my whole life, and I just want to thank you for doing it again.”

I blinked, slowly, as I felt the anger start to fade from my body. The fire that settled in the pit of my stomach was gone, and instead it was filled with a tight knot that made my head throb.

“You know I’m always here for you, Jonny.” I responded in a whisper as I watched his lips twist into a small smile. “I’m just glad you pulled your head out of your ass.”

We shared a laugh, then a hug, a kiss on the cheek and forehead, and then he let me go, the shimmer that had been lost for the last few days surfacing in his brown eyes. As I watched them shimmer in the light of the hallway, a huge smile lit up on my face. This was the Jon I knew, that I fell in love with, and although nothing was working in my favor, I was happy.

If Jon was happy, I was happy.

That’s what best friends are for.



The guys left in a large limo around eight o’clock that night. After Jon had pulled me off to the side and apologized, with the most sincere voice I have ever heard pass his lips, I managed to throw all of my selfish thoughts to the side and forgive him. Sure, there was a small part of me that still wanted to grab his collar and kiss him, tell him how much I loved him and how much I didn’t want the wedding to happen, but I couldn’t do that to my best friend. I could never do that to Laura and everyone else involved.

I didn’t need anyone to be happy, anyway.

Humming softly to myself as my computer played the soft strings of The National, I waltzed around the kitchen as I opened a few cabinets to try and find something to cook for dinner while I started the marathon of Parks and Recreation on Netflix. I decided on that simply for the fact that it would make me laugh, and that is exactly what I needed right now.

I didn’t need to dwell on my relationship with Jon or with whatever was building between Kris Versteeg and I. The guys got a night to do whatever they wanted to, and so did I.

We just had different views of fun.

After my search was over, I wound up with absolutely nothing. Grumbling to myself, I decided that the only way I was going to eat tonight was if I ventured out of my house and bought something. Throwing my hair up into a bun, I slipped on a pair of flip flops, tugged a sweater over my head, and then grabbed my wallet, keys, and cell phone from the coffee table.

Heading out of the front door, I kept humming to myself through the front walk way and over to my drive way where my car was the last one at the end of the line of cars from the guys. Thanking them mentally for not having me have to leave and dig out a bunch of keys, I jumped in the drivers seat and turned the car on, watching all of the lights flick on as soon as the engine started to hum.

Flipping through the radio channels until Modest Mouse started to play, I settled back into the leather seat and then quickly navigated the car out of the driveway and down to the end of the street.

The ride to the closest Whole Foods Market was about fifteen minutes. That time gave me just enough time to figure out what I could buy for dinner, for dessert, a snack, and what bottle of alcohol I should pick up. Originally, I was going to be on call for the guys in case someone needed an emergency ride home, but after much speculation, I realized that they had a limo, plenty of money for a cab, and absolutely no care in the world for anything except alcohol and fucking around with Jon.

So I decided on a nice red wine for the night with my stir-fry and chocolate chip cookies. I was healthy most of the time, I was allowed a little fun.

Parking in the almost empty lot to the side of the large building, I hit the button to kill the engine and then grabbed all of my things, hooking my keys onto my belt loop as I shut the door and headed over to the front sliding doors. Grabbing a hand basket, I plopped my wallet down inside of it, and then pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket.

Turning the screen on, I noticed I had three new messages; one from Sharp, one from Kris, and one from Jon. Rolling my eyes, I opened them in order and stifled a laugh as I scrolled through the selfies they had all sent me in one massive group chat. Scanning over the array of faces and alcoholic beverages in them, I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes and then quickly snap a selfie flipping them off and decorated the bottom with a few drink emoji’s and some hearts.

Within seconds, all of the guys were sending me hearts back of all different colors, and a few of the smiley with heart eyes and blowing kisses. Chuckling to myself, I shut the screen off and set the phone back in my pocket, focusing on what aisles I had to enter to grab everything I needed.

Letting my mind empty and fill with the soft music they were playing, I headed over to the bakery and picked up a small pack of some natural, gluten, dairy, nut, free cookies that were probably just mashed up dates and walnuts with dark chocolate chips in them. Then, I headed over to the produce section and picked up a few vegetables and some extra firm tofu.

Once dinner and dessert was done, I headed across the store to the alcohol section. Running my eyes over the walls of vodka and whiskey, beer, and other mixed drinks, I finally found the aisle with wine and smiled to myself as I ran my eyes over the entire bottle. Usually I picked the wine by how nice the label was, but this time I had one in mind.

“Oh, I love this one, Nick.” My ears perked at the sound of the girl’s voice. Smile fading from my face, I went on my tiptoes until I could peek over the row of wine bottles in front of me. As my eyes peered into the next aisle, I dropped my gaze onto a tall blonde boy with strong shoulders and a loose fitting sweater on, then they fell onto the shorter girl, a familiar hour glass shaped body snug in a tee shirt and tight jeans. Running my eyes over her hair, I shook my head a little and then felt my whole entire body shut down as she turned toward the aisle I was peering over, her eyes cast down.

Shaking my head, I went to back away when I noticed a pair of unrealistic blue eyes look up to the left of me, and then drop back down to the lower shelf.

Quickly stepping back, I dropped my basket to the floor and pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Hands trembling, I quickly dialed Patrick Sharp’s number. Crossing my arm against my stomach, I made myself hyper aware of the footsteps and voices around me as I tucked myself against the aisle and rested my forehead on the row of wine.

“Aspen, what’s up blondie!” Sharp called through the phone, his voice free and happy.

“Pat, fuck, I’m so glad you answered, I’m at Whole Foods and-“

“No way!” He taunted, a laugh leaving echoing from the other end of the phone. “Oh, did you see our pictures? We sent more! Jon almost killed a few guys who made some comments about your selfie, you better be careful!” He chuckled and then went to talk again when I let out a low growl and cut him off, my eyes scanning the empty aisle around me.

Huffing, I dug my fingers into my arm and sighed. “Patricl Sharp this is fucking important.”

“Can’t decide what organic vegetables to get?”

“Will you shut the fuck up and let me talk!” I snapped, my blood boiling as I heard foot steps grow closer to me. Cursing wildly in my head, I peered over my shoulder to see an older couple walk by, and then into the next aisle.

After a moment of silence, there was a small thud through the door, and then the man I had called cleared his throat. “What’s going on?”

“As I was saying, I’m at Whole Foods. I was in the Wine section and I fucking…” I quickly looked around and punched the bridge of my nose with my free hand. “I saw Laura and some dude.”

“What!” He screamed, his voice loosing the happy-go-lucky drawl it held only moments ago. “What the fuck do you mean?”

“I was in the aisle behind them”, I started keeping a watch out for any familiar voices or movements around me. “And I heard this chick talk to some dude named Nick, and I knew it sounded familiar so I looked into the next aisle and it looked like her, and then I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she had…” I stopped again, turning around and looking for them. “I saw the contacts.”

“No one has those fucking ugly ass contacts, Aspen!” Patrick ended in a yell.

“I know!” I responded loudly, my heart racing as I looked at the bottles of wine and then finally found the raspberry flavored one I always drank on nights of relaxation. Grabbing two bottles and putting them in my basket, I grabbed the handle and took a shaky breath. “What the fuck do I do?”

There was a moment of silence, and then a small ‘ah-ha’ sounded through the phone. “Take a picture.”

“I can’t fucking take a picture, you freak.” I huffed.

“Yes you can, make believe you’re taking a picture of something to send to someone, and just take a picture of them instead.” Patrick said matter-of-factly. After he encouraged me to do it a few more times, I accepted only if he would stay on the phone. When he agreed, I nodded to myself, sucked in a deep breath, and started walking through the aisles.

We started talking about how the party was going so far. They have been at drinking for an hour and a half already, and he was positive that three of the guys have already hit their limit. When I challenged him and guessed who, he let out a loud laugh and told me I was absolutely right on two of them. “Jon hasn’t had more than half a beer, honestly.” He huffed. “I’ve had more than him, probably a little over my ‘I’m a dad I can’t drink like I used to’ limit.”

“What’s that like three?” I chuckled and then looked up just in time to see Laura and the blonde boy walk down the aisle I was in. “Fuck, they’re in the aisle I’m in.” I breathed, my heart racing as I heard her laugh echo through my head.

“How close?”

“Decent”, I responded, afraid to use the actual words in case she would see me and then catch onto what the fuck was going on.

“Okay, okay”, I could hear the anxiety lacing with Patrick’s words. “Wait until they pass you, then snap a picture and send it to me, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” I breathed and quickly pulled my phone from my ear and hit the home button, bringing me back to the screen where all of my apps were lined up. Fingers trembling, I felt the small gust of wind hit the back of my neck. Opening my camera, I glanced over my shoulder and watched as they stopped at the end of the aisle where the coffee was.

Swallowing hard, I made sure my flash was off and my phone was on silent. Then, with my eyes glued to them, I angled my phone, my eyes darting down to the screen a few times to zoom in, and watched as the girl leaned into the man and placed a kiss on his cheek. Hitting the circle button, I watched as the screen flashed black.

“We’re going to need this tomorrow morning, aren’t we?” She giggled as she reached up and planted a kiss on his lips as his hand snaked around her waist. Hitting the circle button again, my trembling fingers got to much, and my phone slipped through my sweaty palms and crashed against the floor.

Pivoting on my feet so my back was turned to them, I bent down, pucked the phone up, and then put it to my ear. “You need to figure out what you want, I’m falling asleep waiting for an answer”, I snapped into the phone as I stood back up and grabbed the basket with my hand, my heart racing as I felt eyes on me, and then after a moment, felt the air around me grow cold.

“They saw you.” Patrick groaned, “Didn’t they?”

Taking a deep breath, I carefully looked over my shoulder and then sighed when I noticed no one was there. “I got the photo and my fingers were shaking so much that my phone slipped out of my grasp. Hold on, I’ll send them to you.”

Pulling the phone from my ear again, I quickly started a new chat with Patrick, hit the cameras, chose those two photos, and then sent it to him, my heart racing as the small ‘delivered’ showed up under them.

“Done.” I whispered as I quickly walked up the aisle and headed over to the cashiers. “Let me know when-“

“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the ever-loving fuck, Aspen!” Patrick wailed form over the phone. “What the fuck do we do!” He was in a frenzy, causing my heart rate to skyrocket to the point where I thought I was going to drop to the floor and go into cardiac arrest.

“Don’t fucking say a word.”

“He’s my best friend how do I-“

“Listen”, I lowered my voice, “Tonight is supposed to be fun for him, tonight is not supposed to have this in it. Don’t tell anyone, don’t show anyone, make believe nothing happened. When we have out dinner, we will; figure it out. Go have a drink for me, okay?”

Patrick stayed silent on the phone for a minute, and then let out a long sigh. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes, yes, okay.” He whispered and then let out a long sigh.

“Bye, Sharpie.”

“Bye, blondie.”

Pulling the phone from my ear, I ran a hand over my face, then looked down and let out a long sigh.

What the fuck just happened.