I'll Tell You My Sins so You Can Sharpen Your Knife

Sarah was refusing to use any magic while the packed her things. She couldn’t decide if she was sad or pissed. All she knew was that there was a lump in her throat and lifting heavy boxes of books into the U-Haul outside helped.

“Where are you going?” Castiel asked.

“Away.” She said shortly. “I don’t care. I’m going to drive until something feels right and then get a place to live. Maybe a Victorian this time. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to resist the urge to turn in my whole lifestyle and curse him.”

“Sarah, Dean – “

“Don’t say his name.” she spat. “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his asshole, and may God take away his arms so he cannot scratch. And even then he’d deserve worse.” She finally turned and looked at Castiel. “You look terrible.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Castiel, you look like a child tried to give you a chemical peel.”

He looked away from her. “I’m dealing with it. You have to talk to Dean.”

“Newsflash, not the mother of the new humanity anymore. He’s just a hunter who can’t see the good in monsters like me. I thought I could trust him, and I couldn’t. I thought he was my friend, but I guess he didn’t feel the same way.”

“You started to love him.”

The knot in her throat pulsed. “Don’t you have a homophobe somewhere to kill, Cass?” she whispered. “Or a cold caller?”

Castiel walked up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay.” He said softly. “I know you hate him. But sometimes there’s more at work than just angels and prophets.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“At the end of the day, you are in control. Remember that.”

“Please, Cass. Go away.”

But he was already gone.

Sarah continued to pack her books, feeling somewhat burnt out by the conversation. Why the hell did she have so many books anyway? Where ever she was going, she needed to find a house with a library.

~*~

“Call her.” Sam said for the fifth consecutive day.

“No.”

And today Sam lost it. “Dean, I was binging on demon blood. I started the apocalypse. I did god knows how many terrible thinks without a soul. How is Sarah being a witch and worse? How does she deserve punishment?”

“You thought you were doing good.”

“She can’t help being born with power! She’s taking her situation and doing good!”

“By helping old ladies find lost lockets?” Dean demanded, pointing at the small Jersey newspaper ad Sam had found. “Reading cards and talking to Crowley all day?”

“She’s not doing black magic. No worse than what we do. She’s helping people, Dean. In her own way. She’s helped us out plenty of times.”

“We let her go, Sammy. That’s enough.”

“We didn’t let her go. She had Castiel, our friend who trusts her, throw us out.”

“Drop it, Sam.”

“This isn’t over, Dean. We haven’t seen the last of her. And you know it.”

“Yes, it is.”

“One more question.”

“Sammy, we’re not discussing this!”

“Are you more upset at what she is, or the fact that she didn’t tell us?”

Dean paused, then walked out of the house and slammed the door behind him. Sam let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

That went well.

~*~

Sarah had finally finished moving all the books. In comparison, the kitchen equipment and clothes were easy. She was almost finished when a Honda Civic pulled up in the driveway. Sarah reached for the gun tucked in her waistband as Sam got out of the car.

“Sarah, I’m not going to hurt you.” He said, raising his hands. “Come on. It’s just me.”

“Where’s your brother?”

“You really think I’d bring him?”

She sighed and put the gun back in her jeans. Sam walked up and hugged her tightly. She sighed and welcomed his embrace.

“I don’t care.” He muttered. “You’re like a sister, Sarah. And honestly, he doesn’t care either. He doesn’t think you’re a monster. He’s just hurt and confused. He’ll come around.”

She sniffled and shook her head. “Whatever.”

“Going somewhere?” he asked, looking at the U-Haul.

“Yeah.” She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. “I think it’s time to move on. I’ve spent the last few years researching. Trying to build power. Now it’s time to focus on what I have to do.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m going to find the Grand Coven, and kill them before they can kill me.”

“Sarah.” Sam muttered. “That’s suicide. Even if you’re half as powerful as Cass said.”

She shrugged. “Maybe. But I think I can do it. And God knows, Cass won’t let me die even if I begged him.”

“That’s the reason I came by, Sarah.” Sam said heavily. “Cass is dead.”

“No. He’s not.” She said instantly.

“Sarah, I saw it. He let all the souls go back to purgatory. But these…they’re called Leviathan…they stayed behind and sort of…exploded out of him…”

“And you saw all of this?”

“Well, no, he went under water – “

“Then he’s not dead.”

“Sarah – “

“Sam, if he had died, I’d know it.” she said, fingering her necklace. “I can still feel his presence in the world. It’s not as strong. I’ve noticed that. Something’s wrong. But he’s still here, in some way.”

Sam looked at her sadly.

“Look Sam.” Sarah sighed. “Cass is a lot more powerful than he lets on. Belief in the second tier of archangels fell, so he was sent to the trenches. I think even he has forgotten what he once was. But many remember him as the silent watcher he was. And to see him move and speak on behalf of humanity, of me, of you and your brother, it puts them all in awe. Even Michael, even Gabriel. And that’s why whatever cause he is fighting for, he will have a following. And whatever happens, he will come back.”

She turned away and Sam shook his head. Whatever. Let her live in her fantasy.

“Where are you going?” he finally asked.

She smiled painfully. “Well, that’s part of the reason I’m going, Sammy. I don’t really want you or your brother to know.”

“Sarah – “

“Trust me.” she said firmly. “It will be better for everyone this way.”

“What if I need you? What if we need your help?”

She sighed and took a clunky silver ring off her finger and closed her eyes, mumbling in Latin. A breeze ruffled Sam’s hair, bringing with it a foreign but familiar scent. Something floral.

Sarah took Sam’s hand and placed the ring in his palm. “If you need me,” she said softly, “just put it on and think of me. But you only get one phone call, so emergency only, alright?”

“Alright.” He put it in his pocket and looked at her. “If you need us. For any reason. You’ll call, right?”

She smiled. “I don’t know if that’s the smartest idea. Dean might make things complicated.”

“He’ll behave. I promise.”

She laughed and shook her head. “I’ve got like three more boxes and I’m on my way. Wanna help me out?”

“Sure. Then I should get back, too.”

Sam followed her inside the cabin, and picked up a large box sitting outside the bathroom. Sitting on top was an empty bottle of Coach Poppy perfume. Sam frowned as he remembered a time when Sarah and Dean got along.

Sarah was walking around in her cheep tie dye sundress, one arm full of clothes. Next to her, Dean held a basket of department store make up and toiletries.

“Alright.” She said, turning to Dean and waving two strips of paper with perfume on them. “Pick one.”

“Believe it or not, Sarah, I’m not your new gay best friend.”

“Dean, as a straight man, which smells nicer? And also, my nose can’t tell the difference anymore. I’ve smelled too many.”

He smiled slightly and smelled both papers. “That one.”

“Coach Poppy it is!”

Sam stared sadly at the empty perfume bottle. Even if she wouldn’t admit it, even though she pretended to hate him, Sarah was a lot more attached to Dean than anyone realized.