I'll Tell You My Sins so You Can Sharpen Your Knife

Dear Diary,

Not much new. Just all work. I think Lora Jenkins thinks I’m a real witch. Luckily she’s also very afraid of witches and probably won’t raise hell over it. I don’t think she’s anything but human so it shouldn’t be a problem.

Something weird happened yesterday. Castiel’s pendant suddenly went cold, and I had really bad heart burn. It’s probably nothing. But of course, Castiel’s brain isn’t in any shape to respond when I call so I can’t be sure.

But it’s nothing, right?

Sarah liked her new life in Missouri. Everyone was friendly, and they still believed in magic. She was making plenty of money reading cards. In New Jersey, she was just scraping by.

Her new house was finally set up, too. With the huge library. She carved sigils into all of the door and window frames, and buried all kinds of hex bags in the yard.

When she wasn’t reading cards and finding lost heirlooms for old ladies, she was researching. She was gathering intel on the Grand Coven. Where were they now? Who was in charge with her mother dead? How many of them would she have to kill to neutralize the whole thing?

In the basement, she kept things that she didn’t want to feel tempted by. The necromancer’s bells, which sang to her every time she got too close. A very nasty old book of black magic she had bought to prepare herself.

Maybe Dean was right. Maybe she was just a monster fighting her nature. That at the end of the day, she’d do anything for power.

But it was a fight that she was winning. And that was what mattered. Besides, as far as she knew, regular humans were power hungry too.

She hadn’t spoken to Dean in about six months. But maybe it was better that way.

She had just finished her diary entry when her phone rang. Sam W. blinked across the screen.

Usually when Sam called, it made her happy. She often thought of him as a brother. Especially because he was nice to her while Dean constantly made an ass of himself. But this time, with her pendant and heartburn yesterday, she felt nothing but dread as she picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Sarah? It’s me. Sam.”

“I know.” She paused and listened to the misery in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

“I have some bad news.”

“Well, don’t leave me in suspense.”

Sam leaned back against the car and looked at the sky. “We went after Dick Roman yesterday. The leader of the leviathan. We had a weapon we made. And we killed him.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“Well, there was a catch. It took anyone standing near him to purgatory with him.” He took a deep breath. “And in this case, it was Dean and Cass.”

Sarah felt like the breath was knocked out of her. “What?”

“I’m sorry, Sarah. I just thought you should know.”

Sarah looked up at the walls of books around her. “Okay.” She whispered. “It’s okay. We’ll hold a Norse vigil, before the hunter’s funeral. We can make sure their spirits get out of purgatory and upstairs.” She wiped away some moisture in her eyes. “We need lots of rope. And certain animals. We have to put them at the foot of the hangman’s tree and hold their vigil. The tree is in Virginia. Can you get the bodies there?”

“Sarah.” Sam sighed. “They’re not…well, it took their bodies too. For all we know, they’re alive and locked in purgatory.”

Sam listened to her sniffle.

“I’m sure Cass never wanted it to be like this.” He tried to reassure. “Your safety was always his first thought. And Dean…well…I know how you two felt about each other.”

Sarah held in a sob. Yeah. Sam knew how much she cared about Dean and how much Dean hated her. Sam knew how much Sarah hated herself for giving a damn about someone who could barely look her in the eye.

“Anyway.” Sam said gruffly. “I just wanted you to know.”

“Thanks Sam.” She whispered. “You…you call me any time. Or stop by and see me if you’re in Missouri.”

“Thanks. I’ll do that. Goodbye, Sarah.”

Sarah hung up her phone, and stood quietly for a moment. Then she screamed and threw her diary from her lap and across the room. Then she started to cry in earnest.

Dean and Castiel in purgatory. Why? Things weren’t much better before, but ever since Castiel had dragged her to the Winchesters it had been nothing but heartbreak. And he had done it because he was under orders to get herself and Dean in the same room so they could be made to fall in love. But it hadn’t really worked and the Apocalypse failed and now even Castiel was gone and it would never be fixed and never be the same.

Sarah wiped her eyes, deciding that her dramatic moment was over. Crying would not fix anything. She should know that by now.

“Shit.” She muttered, walking over to where her diary had skidded.

The diary had hit the dining room table and knocked over a pile of books and a whole bunch of unlit candles. Thank God they weren’t lit. Thank God the diary had missed the tea set. It was a family heirloom. Father’s side, of course. With a sigh, she stooped to pick up the books, then frowned at her diary, sitting on top. It had fallen open to a page with a white envelope bearing a motel logo. Sarah picked everything up and then took the envelope over to her arm chair.

It was Dean’s letter. From after the Slender Man. He had asked her to read it but if she were being honest she didn’t want to. She was slightly afraid of it. She ripped open the envelope and freed the letter. It was full of mistakes where Dean had crossed things out and the handwriting was very, very hesitant.

Dear Sarah,

I wish I could tell you this to your face. But I guess the you were right. I’m not good for words.
I wanted to say sorry for trying to kill you. It was honestly shock, but that’s not an excuse. I just wish you had told me. I don’t trust you. But that’s only because I don’t trust myself with you. You fog things up. You spin me about and I don’t know where to look anymore.

I know you hate me. I deserve that. But you I think can’t shake the sight of your face when you’re upset. And the worst thing is that I know the last few times it’s been because of me. I just wish I could make you smile. Just once.

You always manage to get me into a chick flick moment. You’re better off with someone much better than me. But if you ever think you could, give me a call. I’d like to see if I can make you smile.

Love,
Dean

Sarah looked at the letter in her lap and then closed her eyes tightly. “Oh, Dean.” She whispered aloud. “You manage to make me saddest when you’re not here.”

If she had read the letter sooner, would things be any different?

Probably not. After all, that was what she liked so much about him. He had his mission to save the planet, whether it wanted saving or not. That he was completely unattainable.

Slowly, she stood. If there was any good time to start to disable the Coven, it was now. She owed it to Castiel, who had kept her safe for so long. And without his added protection, it wouldn’t be long before they sniffed her out. She couldn’t worry about saving Dean and Castiel when she had to save her own skin first. Besides, Sam would be working on that. You could always trust a Winchester to stop at nothing to save his brother.

She looked around at the house. She’d move everything important into storage, but keep the house and the car. Cancel all her appointments and tell her clients that she was going to Europe for a sabbatical with her Romanian family. Or something similar to that. She’d pack one bag, and hit the road.

By the time Sam was taking an injured dog to a vet in Kermit, Texas, Sarah was hitching a ride on the interstate north.