Better Mistakes

“I think I’m actually going to puke.”

Jack forced my face up so I could meet his eyes, “No you are not. You are going to go out there and fucking slay. And if you don’t and we fail at this, you’ll have let your best mates down. Is that really what you want to do?”

I scoffed, eyes wide in frustration, “Is that really the way to calm me down?”

“You’re angry now and not thinking about puking in front of that crowd so yeah, it is.” Ollie chimed in as he fiddled with his jeans. “Do you think we look too Mumfordy?”

I snorted, “You wish you were as good looking as Marcus.”

“Don’t sass, Madigan.” Jack threw a stray guitar pick at me.

“Oi, we aint rich enough to throw this shit around now,” Spence cut in, leaving down to grab for the stray pick now laying on the floor of the SUV.

We were scheduled to pull up to the AMAs Red Carpet in approximately three minutes and thirty seconds. Our band’s stylist had dressed me in a complex green outfit that had a sheer top with a bandeau top that connected to a formfitting maxi-skirt. I was nervous that it wasn’t me but every one had been adamant that I looked gorgeous so I tried to ignore the flutter of nerves I was feeling. The sheerness revealed the tattoo below my ribs as well as another new addition that I’d recently gotten along the back of my neck. This was it, this was our big break into the mainstream music world and I didn’t want to fuck it up because I was terrified of running into my Har – ex-boyfriend.

Jack squeezed my hand as we pulled to a stop, “I’m serious – you look perfect and you sounded amazing in rehearsals. We deserve this; we belong here.”

I returned the friendly squeeze and Ollie nodded his head at all of us before putting his hand in the middle and we all edged in together. Out of the corner of my eye, I knew Meg was filming this little bit. The PR for our band was very social media focused and they were always peeking behind the curtain of our lives. It was hard to always be on but it helped that people thought we were very normal based on the sneak peeks they were always given.

“Let us bow our heads and pray to the music gods that Face doesn’t face plant on her way up to accept our award,” Spencer started and I pinched at his side good-naturedly.

“Two years of your smelly fucking feet in my face while on buses, trains, planes and automobiles across the world and here we are. Let’s fucking enjoy it,” I chimed in. “I love you, idiots.”

We went through our usual ritual of circling together to quietly say Sending iiiiiit in weird stoner voices and then the door was opening and it was time to go.

In the time I was with Harry, I had always shied away from attending any type of Red Carpet event with him but the one that I’d actually gone with him to was the AMAs. My traitorous mind couldn’t help but make comparisons because last time, I’d been shuttled off to the side, forced to travel in a different car with Eleanor and Sophia rather than getting to actually be with Harry. Then it was a couple hours spent apart from him while every one in the world wanted to approach him, patiently waiting for them to finish their performance and then finally, only after every one had their fill of Harry, was I allowed to rejoin him in a very sheltered way.

As we stepped out of the car, we were hit with a swell of shouting and I was so startled by the reception that I turned to check behind us. Meg caught my movement and just laughed as she gently nudged me forward. I put my game face on, waving brightly to the crowd of people behind the barriers as we started to make our way down the red carpet. I was determined to push any and all thoughts of Harry aside and to enjoy this moment.

I nervously held onto Jack’s hand as we started to walk through the gauntlet of people milling around. I tried to take it all in, with my head on a swivel as I eyed all the stars that were wandering around but Meg was quickly hustling us along. Two people with microphones were standing in front of a camera and they shouted at us to stop by to speak but we were hustled along.

“Why didn’t we stop?” I turned to ask Meg who just shoved me along.

“Running late, you need to pose for pictures then meet with E! then get in there.” She explained in a hurried voice.

I shrugged, keeping a tight grip on Jack as we started towards the banks of photographers. We lined up together, focusing on ignoring the shouts of our names and just smiling. I tried to relax a bit, letting the boys tease me a bit as we slowly made our way down the red carpet. My hair was woven up in an intricate up-do so for once I wasn’t worried about my unruly curls wreaking havoc. It was surprisingly easy to go through the photograph portion of the night but the closer we came to the end, the more nervous I got when I realized we’d be interviewed shortly.

I was perpetually putting my foot in my mouth when it came to interviews so I was hoping that Jack and Ollie would take the lead. Luck was – for once – on my side as we came up to Giuliana Rancic just as 5SOS were walking away. I didn’t know them well but they knew me when I was with Harry so I tried to avoid running into them as much as possible.

The list of who I needed to avoid in Hollywood was exhausting; between rumored ex-flames of Harry’s plus his wide network of friends, I always felt like I was drowning under their shared judgment.

“Better Mistakes! Welcome, welcome!” she cooed and I didn’t think it was possible for a human to be held up by such tiny legs but when she hugged me there was surprising strength to it.

“Now for those who don’t know, we have Josephine Madigan, Oliver Hale, Jack Gallagher and Spencer Parkes making up the hottest new band of the year. How are you all?”

“Surprisingly well, could get used to birds shouting me name,” Spencer said with a smirk.

I shot him a faux glare, “Be more misogynistic, you can’t.”

“Aw, come on Mads – there’s a fair amount of blokes shouting for you too. All shocked you can walk in heels is my guess.” Jack teased and I needled an elbow into his side. He just wrapped an arm around my neck, threatening to muss up my hair.

“Noooo, Meg’ll kill you – leave it!” I shouted and just caught the look Giuliana was giving us. It was a mix of fascination and confusion; she had no idea what we’d do next.

“For your newer fans, can you explain the name?” she tried to rein us in and Ollie politely answered as I kept an arm wrapped around Jack’s waist. He steadied me when I needed it.

“Our girl Face hasn’t always had the best of luck and during our first show as an untitled band, she nearly electrocuted herself on shoddy equipment. It was a disaster; we thought we were done before we started so we all got absolutely rip-roaring drunk. At about five in the morning, Joze sent a group text that just said ‘okay kids, let’s make better mistakes tomorrow’ and it was kind of a turning point for us all.”

I grinned at the memory. As much as I liked where we were now, I loved the last two years with the boys. It was fun being a struggling group to some extent. We still got paid to do what we loved and we had so much fun traveling in what I called the Scooby Doo van, alternating who drove every few hours. We had hours and hours of footage from the road that Spence was fitting into a film in his free time. No matter how much my personal life had gone to shit, I always found solace in the band.

“Well you all seem very close and we’re happy to have you here. Can’t wait for your performance!”

That was it; we’d successfully made it through our first Red Carpet and interview. I wanted to squeal I was so happy and I clasped Jack’s hand tightly, feeling him squeeze back as we were led into the building. A number of famous faces stopped us and I was shocked at the friendly reception from so many stars. It was all just a little bit too surreal of an experience and before I knew it we were being marched backstage to change.

We’d been given the honor of being the opening act for the evening and it ended up being a blessing in disguise because I was so focused on not fucking up the Red Carpet portion that I couldn’t worry about the actual performance. As we were hustled backstage our stylists were waiting to get us undressed and into our show outfits. It was with a sigh of relief when they wiggled me out of my dress and shoved me into a short sleeve, ultra mini leather dress with a zipper that ran up the side then tucked my feet into a pair of ankle height biker boots. They let my hair down and I shook out the curls, feeling more like myself and my nerves started to fall away.

Flynn was waiting for me when I stepped out into the hall to take a quick minute to myself. He knew me better than only one other person in this world and I appreciated when he just let me silently pace a bit as I bounced on my toes. We’d taken our customary whiskey shot already so I just let the burn reach my toes as I caught sight of the little placard outside of our room, the cover of our album staring back at me.

I blinked hard at the realization that we were actually here; that we’d actually achieved something and that people were listening to us. We’d submitted our first song to the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences in the hopes that we’d be nominated for a Grammy. Every dream I never really knew I even had was coming true.

And I was alone.

Utterly and completely alone.

I inhaled quickly as I stared at the photo, hoping that Flynn wouldn’t notice but like always, he did. I felt his hands fall to my shoulders and he turned me around gently. I couldn’t meet his gaze, couldn’t stand seeing the pity that would surely be there. His fingers gently grasped at my chin and lifted my face so I could meet his eyes.

“Little One…” he said softly as I finally met his soft stare. He gazed down at me, brown eyes so full of affection and adoration it hurt. He tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear before holding onto my neck gently and leaning closer to me. “You have to stop blaming yourself. She wouldn’t want that.”

I knew I couldn’t cry and just having this little breakdown in the middle of the AMAs was a risk. Any one could happen upon us then Meg would be livid with me.

But of course, some one did.

Just as I brought my hand up to squeeze at Flynn’s wrist, I caught the slightest movement out of the corner of my eye as some one had just rounded the corner and I glanced over distractedly to see him standing there.

I gulped hard when our eyes met, feeling my stomach plummet to my toes but I couldn’t look away. That green-eyed stare never failed to reel me in and trap me.

Harry’s hair was freshly styled and he was dressed simply in a pair of skintight dark jeans and a loose, sheer black shirt unbuttoned to his butterfly. Any one that didn’t know him would think he looked gorgeous – and don’t get me wrong he did – but I knew I was one of the few that saw the deep shadow of bags under his eyes and the dulled moss green that weren’t sparkly happily or mischievously. His face was crumpled in pain as he stared back at me still locked in Flynn’s arms until he managed to straighten up, wiping his face free of emotion and he finally broke our little staring contest. He turned on his heel and strode down the hall, taking a quick right turn from where he’d apparently come from.

I gasped a sharp breath, feeling the air burn my lungs and I almost choked.

Maybe tomorrow I wouldn’t fuck up as bad as I had today.

--

I couldn’t erase the image of my beautiful girl standing there with the security guard I’d hired to protect her. I couldn’t stop it from dancing across my eyelids as I squeezed them shut tightly, trying to block out the chatter of Lou and Violet.

They had no idea I’d run into Josie, no idea what I was thinking about, just assuming I was getting my head ready for my first solo performance.

Every nerve was on fire; every breath I took was like shards of glass flowing down my throat. I tapped my fingers on my knees nervously, gripping them tightly as I tried to get some semblance of control. It didn’t help that there was a TV in the room that my band was clustered around as they watched the start of the show.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was set to go after Better Mistakes. Violet and the rest of my team had done it to ensure that no cameras would be on me as they played, concerned that I wouldn’t be able to keep it together if I had to watch her from the crowd.

And fuck me, were they right.

She’d looked beautiful; of course she had. I hadn’t fully seen her in person in nearly a year and it was no surprise that she still took my breath away. But to see her standing there with him was like a stab to the gut and she was the one holding the knife.

Jimmy Kimmel was hosting this year and through the thunder in my ears I heard him announce Josie’s band. The guys all exchanged looks and Rhys, the bassist, shot up to turn the TV off before I ordered him not to. Every one in the room shifted uncomfortably and I felt Lou hovering behind me.

“Come, Haz. Need ta fix yer hair.” She cooed softly.

“No you don’t,” I said shortly, eyes still focused on the screen. “I’m going to watch her.”

Lou knew me well enough not to fight me on it and if Josie was shaken by our brief run-in, no one would be able to tell except for me. After the introduction, she stepped out into a single spotlight, the bright light causing her hair to glow like a halo and no matter what had happened between us, I couldn’t stop the weird wave of peace that just the sight of her doing what she loved brought me.

Their set was simple; it always was. They always chose to let their music speak for itself without pageantry, something I knew she’d gotten from Marcus. I wouldn’t lie and say I wasn’t a little jealous of her music connections. She’d easily fallen in with a group of people that I thought of as true artists: Ed, Mumford and Sons, Passenger, Johnny. They all played their own instruments, wrote their own music with barely any assistance and Josie had never been any different. She had fit in seamlessly with that group, the only difference that she’d never played for any one but herself.

Watching her step up to the mike, her guitar clutched tightly in her hand and that slightly shy, faintly blushing face staring out at the crowd threw me back to the first night I’d met her.

--

NOVEMBER 2013

“Come on, Haz. Just come out for a bit – we’ll have security and it’s such a fucking dive no one will bother you. Bring your bird too.” Ed’s voice demanded through my mobile. “Plus I’ve been wanting you to meet Mads and she’s playing tonight.”

My ears perked up a bit, “Mads? The American girl you’ve been writing with?”

“One and the same. The Hound is so off the path, you’ll be fine.” He made one last plea but he’d already won. I’d been hearing about the mysterious Madi since she’d waltzed into Ed’s life five months ago and I couldn’t stop myself from being intrigued. The way that Ed raved about her I didn’t understand why she wasn’t signed to a label but it seemed like there was a fair amount I likely didn’t know about her.

And so, I reluctantly gave in. Four hours later, I was leading Kendall in through the side door, pleased that we’d managed to sneak through the London streets unnoticed. She hadn’t sounded all that thrilled about a pub night, likely looking forward to a fancier night out but when I’d mentioned that Ed and Marcus Mumford would be there, she’d eagerly agreed.

We were shuffled off to the side and in the corner, mostly hidden from view of the rest of the patrons especially with Patty standing guard. I offered Kendall a pint that she waved off in favor of a vodka soda and we’d only just settled in when Johnny Flynn stepped on stage. He started to play a few solo songs but I didn’t have to wait long until he was welcoming one Josephine Madigan.

She walked out on stage, wild fire hair glistening in the dull light of the dingy pub. Ed and Marcus were next to me, whistling and hooting and I noticed her shoot them a mock glare before smiling at Johnny. Kendall was leaning into my side and I wrapped an arm around her waist but kept my gaze firmly on the makeshift stage.

“Thank y’all, always so nice to be here and nicer to know that I have free whiskey waiting after.” She teased, adjusting the microphone down so she could reach it. Even in the pair of wedge brown boots on her small feet, I knew I’d tower over her. She had on a pair of tight, ripped up skinny jeans, a threadbare white tee and an old green and blue flannel hanging open. She squinted slightly at the stage lights but I couldn’t make out the color of her eyes.

Her and Johnny bantered back and forth a bit, teasing the crowd before they both started to play perfectly.

All that I have is a river
The river is always my home
Lord, take me away
For I just cannot stay

Her voice was deeper than I imagined it might be and more powerful, a true whiskey voice that wasn’t dissimilar to my own. The pair captivated me as they played and it wasn’t long until I had abandoned both my drink and my girlfriend to step closer. Josephine (or Madi as both Ed and Marcus affectionately referred to her) didn’t stay longer than a few songs but after fifteen minutes she was being welcomed back for a solo song.

She gave an awkward little wave and her cheeks burned red as Johnny spoke but she eventually started to tease the crowd a bit. When she started to play, the entire bar fell silent – I wasn’t the only one captivated with her. As she finished, the crowd seemed entranced for a beat until it burst into applause and a set of pearly white teeth beamed back at all of us.

“Told you she’s amazing, yeah?” Ed said with a grin as he handed me another drink.

I nodded contemplatively; she was certainly something. “Have to wee, I’ll be back. Chat with Ken, will you?”

I had only been seeing her for a couple weeks and she was nice enough but it was still a bit awkward. It was a relationship of convenience really, management wanted me to be seen with one girl and she wanted the attention that came along with being with me. I wasn’t an idiot. And at least she was good in bed.

I was only gone a few minutes and when I got back fate was on my side, “But my friends are right there.” She pouted, full lower lip jutting out as she stamped her foot like a toddler who was told no cupcakes for dinner. “This is ridiculous – I play here every week. Who the hell has their head so far up their ass that they think they need protection in a dive like this?”

I chuckled lowly as I advanced towards her, leaning down at least half a foot to whisper into her ear, “That would be me, love.”

My nose tickled from the gentle smell of apples and warmth that seemed to float up at me. She pinned me with a blue-eyed glare and all I could think about was the sea on a bright summer day.

All night long I got her to blush, gently teasing her and even getting a few minutes alone with her. I didn’t know what it was but every time Kendall dragged me away from her I felt myself pulled back towards her. If she was the sun, I was the earth orbiting around her pathetically. As the night ended, she bought a line of shots for every one while her blush had become permanent after all the booze. I was standing next to her, managing to brush against her side every now and then.

“To my favorite ginger boy! You kinda look like an elf,” she slurred and leaned into Ed’s side and I couldn’t stop my grin when she paused. “I don’t know where I was going with this. Fuck it – to gingers!”

She clinked her glass to Ed’s then turned and happily smirked up at me. I leaned down with the glass pressed carefully to my lips then whispered just for her, “Cheers, love.”