Forever And Never

I sat nervously in my car, my hands still on the wheel, staring straight ahead. The shock hadn't hit yet that summer was over, and I’d be returning to high school for my junior year. Images of wild parties and crazy nights out still flooded my mind and fogged my vision, making it impossible for me to feel like I was actually conscious, actually coming back to this hell. My mind was numb, uncomfortable with being up this early, and my stomach churned, fighting off the anxiety that would most likely lead to a panic attack later in the day, or hopefully after school.
After a few more minutes of emotional preparation, I sighed loudly and grabbed my purse and my folder and opened the car door. The crisp morning air hit me brutally, and the memories flooded back into my head making the moment more uncomfortable than it already was.
The school, to the northeast of the parking lot, hadn't changed at all. The two story red brick walls held rows of shiny windows, which from the inside helped us to remember that there was a world on the outside. The main doors were small and inconvenient compared to the set of doors which stood only a few feet away, which opened up to a hallway perpendicular to the cafeteria. From those doors was where I usually entered the torture chamber known as Elle Point High School.
I stared, for too long, at the building in front of me thinking of all the miracles and tragedies that had happened inside those very walls. All the rumors, and lies and cheating, the fights that ended friendships, and the undeniable fear of what lays just beyond our high school years. I felt a quick summary of all the emotions I’d felt in the last two years of high school I’d suffered here: fear, anxiety, and small, rare bits of happiness.
I breathed in deeply, trying to forget about the anxious feeling deep in my stomach. I hadn't felt it all summer, for I was too busy having fun and not being tied down to a desk. But that was gone now, and I'd have to face my panic attacks, which had been frequently visiting me since sophomore year, along with all the others feelings of confusion and angst which now seemed to surround me.
"Nicolette?" I heard the all too familiar voice of Lori, my best friend, behind me. She stepped up beside me with a confused look on her face, curious as to why I was staring into space, with my car door still open. “Are you okay?”
"Never better." I said, smiling. Now I felt like I was just being a drama queen.
Lori stood there silently, watching me as I attempted to cover up my anxiety about the new school year by smiling pretty for her. Ali, my other good friend stood inches behind her, mirroring her concerned expression. They both new about my panic attacks, and made sure to watch over me carefully.
"I'm just tired; you know how the first day of school is." I lied further. They both looked at one another, I guess trying to decide if they'd let me off the hook this time or not. I yawned for dramatic effect, almost laughing at my bad acting.
When they didn't look totally convinced I explained further saying, "I’m fine, I promise. Just not looking forward to how annoying this year is going to be, what with exit level exams, and applying for college. I already feel overwhelmed." I laughed so they would find it as more a joke than a plea for help.
I'd successfully distracted them, for Ali said, "Yea, I know! my mom's already hassling me about applying for all these big universities," and soon we were talking about our college plans for the billionth time, and were laughing and walking towards the side doors, ready as we'll ever be to start the school year again.

Though I didn't enjoy it, I participated in the First Day of School. You'd think by junior year that the teachers would have recognized the fact that we knew the basic classroom rules, but I suppose not since I endured all the speeches I could handle about how to treat others and to raise our hands and everything we already all knew. I filled out countless worksheets and forms, either asking us about our classes and our college plans, or what our hobbies and favorite things, as though they honestly cared. I even went to all seven of my classes, as much as I hated doing so.
While standing in the middle of the hallways, Lori, Ali and I compared schedules, giving advice about the class or teacher, and seeing if any of us had classes together. I ended up only having one class with Ali, two with Lori, and only one with both of them. Though there was only one class where I didn't know anyone at all —7th period— I still wished it had been like last year, when we wad most of our classes together.
My schedule consisted of English Three, Art One, American Sign Language Three, Algebra Two, Chemistry, P.E., and World History. I went through all of them in a rush, nearly dizzy with all the people who wanted to talk to me and all the papers I had to fill out and everything buzzing around me. I was thankful for having Lori in English, Ali in P.E., and both of them in Algebra Two, since it certainly made the shock of a new schedule a little more bearable knowing I had my friends with me.
The day drug on, but finally I reached seventh period. I smiled happily as I entered my last class and quickly chose a seat, the second seat in the row furthest from the door. All I had to do is get through one more class period and then I was free. All I had to do is sit through one more speech about basic class rules and I'd be running out of those front doors.
The bell rang and the teacher came in a minute or so later. He was wearing sweat pants and a shirt with the schools logo on it, and had balding blondish-Grey hair and a mustache. He talked as if he didn't want to be here, explaining to us that we were going to jump right into history, and not stall; about how he also coached football along with teaching history. He droned on and on and I tuned him out, thinking about the Back to School party I'd been invited to, Saturday at eight PM. It was just what I needed, a taste of summer to help get adjusted to school again.
Somewhere in between my thoughts of what I was going to wear and how I could get a hold of some alcohol to bring, I heard the door open. Subconsciously, everyone looked in the direction of the opening door, taking their attention away from the coach at the front of the room.
In stepped in a boy, tall and skinny, who had dark brown hair which was choppy and razored. He wore dark blue fitted jeans, a plain white shirt, and a light grey plain jacket. He had to be new. I would've seen him around.
The teacher stopped talking and stared at the boy, glaring angrily for interrupting. The boy smiled, not really meaning it, and sat down quickly in the front seat of the row next to me. He slid his single folder onto the desk and slouched in his seat, looking up at the teacher.
"Go on," the boy said, setting off laughter all throughout the room. I giggled, and kept my eyes on him. Looking him up and down, realizing that I was looking for some sort of flaw. There were none. He was prefect, from his checkered vans to the back of his head. I gaped at him, almost shocked that someone could look so immaculate.
"Anyways, late work will not be tolerated…" I snapped out of my trance, and looked back up towards the teacher, who's continued naming off all the rules that I'd already heard over and over. I sighed and tuned him out, thinking more about the party on Saturday.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Megan Harris leaning forward in her desk eyeing the new kid who sat directly in front of her. Megan, the girl who managed to annoy me more than anyone else could. She's picked me out of the crowd during sophomore year, and since then she'd been doing her best to model herself after me. She'd gone as far as getting her hair cut like mine, and I was convinced that she was obsessed with me. I really wasn't interested in her trying to court the new kid; if he was wooed by the likes of her then he wasn't as flawless as I first thought.
Realizing that our teacher was no longer at the front of the room talking, I fumbled to snap out of my thoughts and concentrate on what we were doing. I found out from the girl in front of me that while I had been zoning out, the teacher had told us to write a summary of our summer, and he'd said, "I don’t really care, but I need a grade in my grade book."
I was at:
"My summer was the greatest. I went to tons of parties and clubs, and I spent a lot of my time with my best friends, Lori and Ali. At the beginning of summer, my Mom, Me and my older brother, Hayden, went to Italy for one and a half weeks. I was really fun, and I got to see Rome and a bunch of other sights. I made lots of new friends and…"
But it was at that point I stopped and looked over at Megan and watched as she leaned forward and tapped the new kids shoulder. The boy, who'd had his head on his desk, turned to look at her with a look of curiosity on his face. I would've turned back to my work, letting her do with him what she wanted, but I stopped when I saw his eyes — the most amazing crystal blue eyes I'd ever seen.
While being mesmerized by his eyes, I heard Megan say, "Do you have a pencil I can borrow? I seem to have lost mine." I looked over in her direction and could clearly see her pencil sticking out of her jacket pocket. Either she was a total idiot, or she'd used the 'missing pencil' line to get him to talk to her. I held back a laugh, amazed by how pathetic one person could be.
He hadn't said a word, but his eyebrows were pushed down and his eyes were moving back and forth from her pencil which was clearly visible and her own eyes. Finally, pointing to the pencil, he said: "I think that’s it right there."
She looked down at her side, and it was clear that she'd know it had been there the whole time. "Oh, what do you know, there it is. Ha ha. Thanks… I would've never noticed." She smiled at him sweetly, "So, what's your name?"
I rolled my eyes and looked away for a second, nearly sickened by her ways of talking to the boys that she had interest in. She made herself look stupid in hopes that it looked cute, which most guys fell for. I looked back to watch her reel him in, only to see that he too looked annoyed. He could see through her, and understood her games and finally, there was someone who didn't fall for it.
"I really don't like girls like you." he said, and I could sense that he was trying to not be entirely ruthless about letting her know that he had no interest in talking with her. I watched as her face fell into a frown, and I saw a gleam of defeat in her eyes. I smiled to myself, happy that there was someone out there who could decipher from her fake stupidity and her true conniving self.
He went to turn back around in his seat and continue his nap, but he looked at me then stopped, his eyes making direct contact with mine. I realized then that I was been listening in to the entire conversation and I wasn't trying to disguise it at all. I felt my face turn red in realization that I had been watching them for the past couple minutes like some stalker. I sat back in my seat, breaking the eye contact that we shared, only to look back up a few seconds later to see him still gazing at me with a strange look on his face.
Oh, god I thought. What if he's some psycho killer and he's going to kill me because I looked at him the wrong way?
I managed to keep eye contact with him, though that was the one thing I couldn't stand doing. I looked right into his beautiful blue eyes, and I could practically feel myself being pulled in by them.
But then, the bell rang breaking the spell as the whole class stirred. I watched as everyone rushed out of the class, eager to get out of the prison-like confinement. I shook my head and quickly grabbed my things from the floor beside my desk and stood up, still in a daze from looking into his eyes for so long. Once people started to clear out all around me around, I discovered that the new kid had already gotten up and left. My face fell when I realized that he'd left without saying a word, even though he just stared at me for like three minutes. He couldn't even stop and tell me his name?
I hurried out of the front doors and to my car, put in a bad mood by the events of seventh period. I started my car and drove away, yearning to get home and be able to feel comfortable in my own skin again. School was never a comfortable situation for me and as I drove home I felt myself fighting the anxiety and uncertainty the new school year promised to bring.
I sighed, wanting nothing more than to return to summer.