Forever And Never

I stole another glance at the front door anxiously, quietly waiting for Ramsey to step through the door of the apartment any minute. I'd woken up a few hours after he had left for work and had been waiting as patiently as I could ever since for him to return, praying that with him he would bring what I needed to make the call to my family that he had promised me the night before. I'd struggled to convince him to allow me to make the call but he eventually folded and now it was time to hear the voice of my mother and my brother for the first time in almost a month. I could finally connect with the outside world once again, and would know if anything even still existed past the walls of the apartment.
After hearing Ramsey's car in the parking lot then hearing him come up the staircase to the apartment door, I finally looked over just as he was stepping though into the living room where I was sitting to his left on the couch trying to stop myself for jumping up and hassling him about the phone he'd told me I would use. He smiled at me casually, set his things down on the table and got a glass of water from the kitchen, then took a seat at the table with his back to me.
I bit my lip lightly and gripped the cushions of the couch beneath where I was sitting, hardly able to endure the seconds of silence that followed between us as Ramsey worked on something in front of him at the table and I sat behind him, trying not to push the subject of the call. I knew he could cancel the call and take the phone back if he wanted to and if I couldn't help myself and annoyed him to the point where he couldn't stand it, he would do just that and my opportunity would have come and gone.
Regardless of how determined I might have been to stay away from him and the phone call topic, I found myself leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, awkwardly speaking: "So..." Ramsey seemed to have not noticed, and continued writing on a paper that he had taken home with him. I watch him quietly for a matter of seconds, feeling my stomach twist in agony when he made no move to even address the fact that I was in the room. He couldn't get the phone, I concluded once it felt as if I had lost all hope that I would get to speak to my family today. For whatever the reason, he'd been unable to aquire the permission for me to call my mother, and now I wouldn't get to speak with him and hear their voices. I understood the danger in seeing them and was happy with keeping my distance for now, but all I wanted was a call and I didn't see the harm in that. I couldn't even think of telling them that I was a vampire or about Branch wood or Ramsey, not that they would even believe me.
Ramsey stood from his chair and my eyes went back to him and I watched as he pulled a machine that resembled an alarm clock from his coat pocket and unwrapped the long cord from it, plugging it into the outlet on the wall next to the table. Big red numbers flashed brightly, and Ramsey began pressing buttons until he set the clock down and it read 20:00. From there he looked to me and my confused expression not understanding why he had a clock, then he pulled for his pocket an old style cell phone the same as the one resting on the table that I used to call him at times. Finally it clicked that he had in fact been able to get the phone, and once I fully understood I grinned widely and jumped from the couch and to where he was standing.
I hugged him tightly with a loud squeal, then took the cell phone and from his hand and observed it quietly with a smile. It was the same as the phone on the table, as well as Ramsey's own cell phone, a thick dark blue rectangle with a small screen and grey buttons. It wasn't a flip phone or a slider, just old style model that was probably popular years ago.
"You remember what I told you right? You can only make one call and it can only be your family; you have twenty minutes to talk to them then you have to hand up." He paused and looked at the alarm clock on the table and I concluded that it must be a timer. "Remember not to say anything about vampires, remember the story that I came up with. You're in New York with August, you're going to school, and above all you're happy."
"Yea, I know what to say," I replied quickly as I waved my hand at him, "I'm not going to say anything about us or that I'm still in town so stop worrying about me." He sighed lightly, a troubled expression on his face, then gave me the okay to call my mother at last. I nodded and looked to the phone in my hands, punching in the numbers to my house phone since I could never fully remember my mom's cell phone number, and pressed call before holding it up to my right ear. Listening to the dial tone for a few seconds, I contemplated whether or not anyone would even be home. My mom was promised us that she would be come for Christmas this year and it was Christmas eve now, though I was the one not there.
"Hello?" I heard after almost a minute of listening to the ringing of the dial tone, and the sound of my moms voice sent chills down my spine. It felt so unfamiliar now, yet now that I was hearing it I felt a sudden longing to be back home again. "Time," I heard Ramsey murmur behind me once she answered, then heard him press the button on the timer beginning the countdown. I turned around and looked at the clock and watched as the seconds counted down quickly, feeling a fear rise in my chest suddenly as I looked at them. Would twenty minutes be enough to talk to them and tell them everything I wanted to say, or would it be too much time?
"...Hello?" I heard my mom question once again on the other side of the phone, reminding me that I was supposed to be having a conversation with her. I turned back around from looking at the timer and Ramsey and spoke awkwardly into the phone, "Oh... Hi Mom..." I realized that I hadn't even thought to rehearse what I would say to her beforehand, and being so unprepared made my voice shaky and unreliable.
"...Nicolette?" She answered a few seconds later, her voice filled with shock and disbelief as she adjusted the phone in her hand. I smiled sadly to myself and answered, "Yea... yea, it's me... How are you?" I was excited to hear her voice, but at the same time it brought back so many memories of home and my family that it was more painful than anything.
"Where have you been?!" She replied in almost a yell, ignoring my question and moving on to the subject that I knew I couldn't avoid. "You've been gone for almost a month! Where are you?" I could hear the sob in her voice, knowing that she would probably begin crying over the phone once I told her my fake story.
I shifted where I stood, trying to play down the fact that my story told that I was in New York saying: "Mom I'm fine really, everything is alright." I swallowed hard, knowing the situation would only become worse. "I'm in New York actually, and I'm-"
"You're in New York?!" She screamed into the phone, her voice hoarse with the tears that she was choking back. I said a simple yes as a reply, not wanting to give all the information to her all at once an overwhelm her. It was bad enough that I'd waited this long to tell her such a big story about me, I wanted to cause as little damage as I could if that was even possible. "What are you doing in New York?" She demanded, the panic clear in her voice as she spoke, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why did you wait so long to call?"
I could feel the first wave of guilt wash over me as I listened to her talking over the phone, the terror clear in her voice. "I'm with August... We got into a fight and he-" I began telling the lie Ramsey had constructed while I'd been in my three-day transformation, but was interrupted once again quickly by her. "Who's August?! Is it that boy you were talking about?"
"Yes that's him... We got into a fight and he left for New York to his family's house. I went after him to make up, and now were living here trying to save enough money to come home." I gritted my teeth together nervously, hardly expecting her to believe my fake story about my disappearance.
"The note you left talked about finding him... But New York?" She replied with a pleading voice, "Why didn't you just stay here? He would have come back eventually..." I squinted my eyes painfully as I listened to her speak, feeling a pain in my chest at having cause her so much pain and worry. When I didn't have an answer to what she was asking, I looked to the clock which read 17:22, then up at Ramsey who mouthed 'Say something' eagerly to me, not wanting my mom to think I was lying.
"Um, because..." I struggled for words as I turned back away from Ramsey, "It's because I... We're really in love!" I blurted out as a reply, trying not to gag as I spoke the words. "I love him a lot, and I could stand to be away form him... So when I found out he went to New York, I had to go even though it's far away."
"Nicolette..." My mom objected sternly, the anger and frustration clear in her voice, "Your only seventeen years old. You shouldn't have run off like that no matter how much you love him." Though I was being scorned I smiled, happy that she believed my story enough to get this upset over it. Though she was angry beyond belief, at least she didn't have to suffer from the news of what actually happened the night of December 2nd.
"But Mom!" I protested dramatically, knowing that it's what I would have done had the situation been real. "Wouldn't you do the same thing if you were in love? If you really love somebody, you would do anything to be with them right?" I whined on and on, remembering a story she'd told me once that when she was sixteen she had run off with a boy and didn't return until a week later. By reminding her that she'd been a rebellious teenager once as well, I hoped to lesson the pain of the news about me.
"...I," She stumbled over her words for a second caught off guard by the sudden memories I was bringing back. "I don't care, Nicolette! You need to come home now, I'll send you money or anything to help you!" She paused and I could hear the rage and fear in her voice, "You're making a huge mistake... Please come home." I listened to her voice, alive with desperation to have me back safe and at home.
"I'm fine here, really." I replied calmly as I looked over my shoulder at the clock on the table, seeing that the time left was 13:47. Time was running out fast, and it felt strange that I could only talk to her for so long before having to say goodbye and hope I got to call her sometime in the future. "I think I should finish out the school year here instead of going back home now. I mean, if I transfer now I could lose all my credits and then I would be behind and I might not graduate on time with all of my friends." I turned and glanced back at Ramsey, receiving a smile for being able to come up with such a good reason keep me form going home.
She sighed loudly as a reply saying, "I really don't want you to be up there away from home. It isn't a big problem if you lose some of your credits, you can just make them up." I frowned slightly as I prepared my reply carefully, knowing that in the end her begging would be no good. "Yea, but then I wouldn't graduate with my friends!" I urged once she had finished speaking. "I'll miss too many credits and then I'll be in high school still while my friends all go to college! It's so much easier if I just finish out the school year here, please mom."
"Nicolette, don't guilt me into letting you stay!" She yelled furiously as I finished wining into the phone for her to let me stay where I was. As she spoke I listened in the background as someone walked down the stairs and into the living room where my mother must have been standing while she spoke to me. "Who's that?" I heard in the distance, and after my mom whispered my name quickly she returned to our conversation saying, "This is your home, not New York!"
The person in the same room as my mother exclaimed outloud,"New York?!" and though I had been expecting it, my suspicions were confirmed that it was Hayden who had entered the room, and now he too knew the fake story that I'd been telling our mom. I bit my lip nervously as I listened to him in the background trying to talk to my mom, persuading her to let him talk to me. Though I wanted to talk to my brother again, I could already sense that he was surprised at the news that I was in New York and if he wanted to talk to me so badly, it could be bad. I looked back at the clock once again: 10:05.
"Nicolette are you there?" My mom spoke into the phone after a few seconds of silence between us. I looked forward again and listened at Hayden talked more to her in the distance, slowly convincing her that it was a good idea for me to have a conversation with him as well. "Yea I'm still here," I replied cautiously listening as she answered me: "Hayden wants to talk you, is that okay?"
I squeezed my eyes closed at tight as I could, hating myself for not even thinking of how Hayden would react to my call. Now that he knew that it was me on the phone and knew the story I was telling our mother, I could only imagine what his next move would be. "Yea it's okay, I'll talk to him," I replied, though I could already feel a sickening anxiety in my stomach. I listened at the phone was handed over to Hayden and after only a seconds of silence I heard his voice come through the phone: "Nicolette? Is it really you?"
"Yea it's me," I answered weakly, my eyes still closed tightly as I listened to the strange tone in his voice along with his light breathing into the receiver. "And is it true? Are you really in New York?" he questioned further, his words causing a building fear inside me as he spoke with a curious feel in his speaking.
"That's right, I'm here with August... we got in a fight and-" At hearing his voice hold what sounded like nothing but concern about where his younger sister was, I'd developed some sort of confidence that telling Hayden that it was August who had been mainly responsible for my leaving was a good idea. But at the mention of his name, I'd hardly been able to start my sentence before he interrupted me.
"Wait... August?" He spoke loudly into the phone, his tone changing once again. "The kid you were telling me about with the OCD?" I opened my eyes and stood silently in place, listening as his breaths of air come lightly through the phone. I knew there was no was to get around this lie, and the consequences that I could face once I told him that it had been some boy I'd liked that was the cause of me leaving so suddenly. "Yea that who I'm talking about," I answered with a sense of resign, knowing that it was pointless to think I could keep this away from him.
I heard him begin to speak into the phone but stop suddenly, and I listened thinking that he must still be in the same room as our mother was and didn't want to say anything in front of her. I turned and glanced at Ramsey as I listened to my brother go up the stairs away from the living room where my mom was. He gave me a similar look of concern, also not knowing what to expect from Hayden. I noticed the clock read 8:47 as I turned back at the sound of his voice.
"I knew that he was trouble... Right from the start when you started talking about him." He closed the door to his bedroom upstairs and sat on his bed, switching the phone to his left ear as he spoke to me. I could only imagine the look of disgust on his face as he spoke of August.
"He's really not that bad," I tried to argue knowing that if I was really in New York with August then I would defend him against anything that Hayden said. Regardless of how I felt of him now, I had to make my lie believable if I wanted to convince them that I wasn't actually still in town only a short drive from home. I tried not to stutter as I protested his words saying, "I know the situation seems bad, but it really-"
"That's crap Nicolette and you know it!" He yelled suddenly into the phone, the volume and strength in his voice making me jump as he interrupted me mid sentence. I stepped back in surprise, my eyes wide as I listened to the rage in his words: "If he was such a great guy you wouldn't be in New York!"
I remained in place without a word, hardly able to think of a way to react to his yelling. Even through the phone, when Hayden got mad for whatever reason he was terrifying and I knew I could rarely win in an argument like this with him, so even trying seemed to be a bad idea. "It's okay though... I'm happy here... and I'm going to school and I've-"
"That's a lie!" He protested even louder, "You can't be happy in a strange place with some psychotic freak!" I could hear him becoming more and more enraged at he spoke, the idea that I was with a boy he didn't know miles from home making his emotions take over. "He's not psychotic!" I yelled back as soon he was finished, surprised that I was actually defending the person who ruined my life, whether or not I was supposed to be acting or not.
The line went quiet for a long time and I wondered if Hayden had hung up or broken the phone in his state of fury, but after a little while Hayden sighed lightly into the receiver and spoke calmly: "Look Nicolette, I'm sure you're having a lot of fun making us worry like this but it needs to stop. Did you know that mom came straight home once I found that note you left and said that you hadn't been home? She hasn't been to work since; she's been using her vacations to stay home and cry all day."
"I'm not doing this in spite of mom," I scoffed at his accusations, becoming frustrated that he would think that I would honestly put her though this to get attention knowing her busy schedule and how hard she works to ensure that me and him have an easy life. "How could you even think I would do that?"
"It doesn't matter what the reason is, but you need to come home now. Mom is a wreck without you," He replied sternly to my question, his voice still somewhat calm and void of the rage he'd expressed earlier. I spun around and gave Ramsey a desperate look, not knowing what to say in reply. Hayden was so persistant, I couldn't even think of this ending good if I insisted that I couldn't come home. Ramsey looked at me expectingly, and I knew there wasn't another way. The time was already slipping away: 6:22.
"I can't Hayden," I replied trying to make my voice seem sturdy and determined, though just behind that was nothing but fear of his temper if he even began to realize that I really couldn't leave and come back home, not if wanted to go on living without fear of me killing them for their blood. The though was terrifying, and I couldn't even think of allowing myself to lead them on and say that I could come home. "I already told Mom that I have to finish the school year so that I can-"
"It doesn't matter! You just need to come home," He interrupted me before I could finish speaking, his voice louder and more determined than ever. I tried to protest once again but he stopped me saying, "Do you have any idea how much pain your causing everybody?" I winced at his latest comment as if it had actually been a punch in my direction, feeling the guilt come over me again. My family and I were already dysfunctional enough with my mother always away on business trips and my brother constantly off somewhere getting himself into trouble, and now I was making it even worse by leaving them and then lying about everything right to them like it wasn't a big deal to me.
"I said I can't... I-" My voice was weak as I tried to defend myself and protest to Hayden's words, but he only spoke once again over me managing to overpower what was trying to say. "I don't care, you have to come home!" He shouted angrily, though below the ruthless demanding were hints of desperation slowly making their way into his voice. He was becoming desperate, willing to beg forever to have me back home, and the more I listened the more guilt I felt.
"No I don't! I already told you I can't leave," My words remained firm as I spoke, but he was getting to me and I could feel myself folding under the pressure that he was putting on me. Attempting to convince him that I was fine was exhausting, and I was losing confidence in the fact that this phone call had been a good idea. "I'm not going to fight about this," Hayden explained with a raised voice, though his words were quickly quieted and he spoke to me softly in a pleading tone: "Please Nicolette... please come home."
"Hayden don't do this..." I replied with a plead of my own, trying not to be manipulated by his begging. Ever since we were children he had always found a way to make me feel bad about something so that he could use me for whatever he needed. Whether or not it was to cover for him when he was out somewhere, or to lie to mom for him, he had a terrible way of controlling me when it came to making me feel guilty. "C'mon Nicolette, just come home please," He spoke into the phone calmly, and I answered "No" quickly wishing that he would just understand the situation.
"Nicolette, you have to! Mom is distraught without you here," He argued into the phone as soon as I'd objected to what he'd said his volume increasing once again. I made an attempt to fight back by insisting that I couldn't come home and that I had to stay here, but each time I tried to he would over power me with his booming voice and yell more things to push me into coming home. "She's living off savings right now because she too worried to work! You have to come back now!"
"I can't!" I all but screamed, bringing my hand up to my forehead as I shut my eyes tightly and tried to ignore the first tear as it slid quickly down my face. He continued shouting into the phone, hearing the sob in my voice and using it to his advantage as much as he could to overpower me even further. "The house is a mess; all she does is cry over you!" I shook my head and tried to stop the tears he was causing, protesting once again to his accusations.
"Nicolette!" Hayden roared angrily into the phone, making me jump in surprise and cry more as I listened as he jumped up from where we was sitting and punch the wall next to wherever he was in his room. The noise was even more frightening, and I could hear his raged breathing as he tried to control his anger. "Listen... Just tell me where you're at, and I'll come and get you!"
He pleaded now, his words shaky and distorted as he begged.
"No... No, Hayden I-" I tried to stop him quickly but was interrupted before I could even think of something to tell him that would stop him. "I don't care where it's at!" He yelled over me, his voice sounding wild with desperation. I would hear the despair and sorrow quickly replacing the anger I'd felt only minutes ago. The fact that he wasn't able to protect me from the situation I was in was hurting him, and the pain in his voice made me feel sick.
I opened my mouth to answer to him but stop upon hearing Ramsey clear his throat behind me to get my attention. I looked over my right shoulder at him and his motioned towards the clock to the countdown timer on the table which read 0:43, not even a minute left to end the phone call with my brother. I glanced back at Ramsey with wide eyes, until Hayden's voice came through the phone and pulled me back to the conversation. "Are you listening to me?" He asked loudly and I looked straight forward again and focused on ending the call.
"Yea I'm here," I answered awkwardly then continued, "Hayden I have to go-" I felt my entire body tense up subconsciously as I prepared for his voice to rise once again in protest. "No, no wait!" He called into the phone with a rushed voice, the urgency and desperation more clear now than ever. "Just tell me where you are and I'll find it, please Nicolette!"
"I can't Hayden..." I rationed with a calm voice, the agony in his words making me flinch in pain. The seconds were counting down behind me quickly, and I held onto the phone with both hands and my eyes closed as I tried to say bye to him. "Hayden I have to go now..." I whispered after listening to him argue more and urging me to tel him where I was.
"Nicolette!" I heard him call one last time as I pulled the phone from my ear slowly, not wanting to hear the unexplainable anguish in his words any longer because it felt like it was causing me physical pain to listen to it. "Bye," I whimpered lightly into the transmitter of the cell phone before pressing the end button quickly and disconnecting the call.
The phone fell from my fingers and hit the floor of the apartment with a quiet thud, and my hands flew to my face only seconds before I slouched forward and fell on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably like I was a child. Everything I had held back during the call came out, all of the guilt I felt for causing everyone so much despair and then lying to them, all of the sorrow I felt for having to tell them the fake story and make them think that I didn't car about them anymore. Without control, everything I'd been feeling thought the twenty minutes of the call showed itself again.
The alarm for the timer went off, but Ramsey quickly switched off the interruption and the room was filled with the silence once again. After a moment he walked toward me slowly, picked up the cell phone from the floor a few feet from where I was slouched forward crying, then was in front of me wrapping his arms around my shoulders tightly. I flinched at his touch at first, surprised by his sudden appearance, but I grabbed onto his shirt and buried my face in his cold chest, crying harder than ever in his arms.