Forever And Never

I was sitting on my bed, silently, looking at the picture of August in my hands. The Polaroid was worn and weathered due to being folded in my pocket or under my pillow, and there were big creases running through it. But his eyes still sparkled magnificently and reminded me why I was here, even though the photograph appeared to be fading some.
I wouldn't admit to anyone that I carried around the photo constantly, and I definitely couldn't tell them why. I myself didn't even know the reason behind it; I'd say most likely to keep myself from forgetting him, what he'd done to me, and why I hated him for it.
I couldn't look right into his eyes, even though it was just a picture, and I found that that fact bothered me a little bit. I didn't want to be controlled by a photograph, especially one of Him, and I was angry at myself. I was consumed in my own thoughts and my own feelings, so much so that I didn't even hear Raven walking towards the door.
But when she walked in so suddenly, I gasped and immediately hid the photograph behind my back and looked at her with wide, surprised eyes. I'd been so focused on the picture I hadn't heard her coming back with a big basket of our laundry she's washed in the apartment complexes public laundry room.
Her face lit up when she saw my reaction to to her entrance, and she dropped the basket and, with a huge smile on her face, said: "What is that?!"
"Nothing," I said quickly, only to realize how guilty I sounded. This only sparked her curiosity.
She smiled evilly, as if she suddenly knew a secret, and walked closer to where I was sitting on the bed. "What is is?" She whispered, her voice sounding intrigued, like it had been when I'd first met her when I was in the apartment with August and I was human, oblivious to this world and my future in it.
"I already told you: it's nothing. Just-" Raven jumped forward, and attempted to pull my arm from behind my back to see what I was hiding for herself. I squirmed vigorously, as Raven laughed in my ear thinking it was a game.
"No," I yelled several times, trying to fight back with only my legs and my one arm which wasn't holding the picture. But it was no use, and soon Raven snaked her hand back behind me and pulled the photograph from my hand as fast as she could. She stood up and backed away a little, holding the picture above her head and laughing victoriously.
"Ah ha, I win!" She gloated, dancing a little and pointing at me calling me a loser — all in good fun — was I looked at her nervously, waiting till she actually looked at the photo.
Soon though, she brought the picture down from above her head and, finally looking at it, stopped mid-laugh. Her face looked surprised and after a second she looked at me, her expression a mix of sadness and wonder.
"Nicolette..." She said quietly, her tone neither curious or questioning. It was more like she had finally realized something, like she'd figured something out. It instantly put me on edge.
I sighed and closed my arms over my chest, looking away from her gaze. This felt oddly like the time my mother had found cigarettes in my room —which I'd been holding for Hayden — and I'd felt total shame and embarrassment. And I felt it now.
"I never realized you-" Raven started to say, but I interrupted her quickly, not wanting to know at all what she thought she'd discovered about me.
"There's nothing to realize!" I threw my arms up, going automatically on defense. Just because I was looking at a picture, doesn't mean she should go around assuming things. I shrugged and looked at her, "It's just a picture."
She scoffed at me, and turned the photo around for me to see as if to remind me what the picture was that I'd been holding."Seriously, Nicolette."
I looked at the photograph and to her for a long time, my eyes going from one to the other. There was no way I was admitting anything to her, whatever it was that she seemed to be pushing me to say. When I guess she realized that I wasn't willing to talk, she sighed and sat down on the bed next to me. She sat there silently for a moment, then looked at me and held up the photo, saying: "You want your picture back?"
Not looking at her, I snatched it quickly out of her hand and stuffed it into the blankets around me. Her hand fell back to her side, and we sat there for a long time, engulfed in the awkward quiet. I was sitting fully on the bed almost facing her so it was hard not to look at her, but she was sitting to where her feet were on the floor, so her gaze was towards the computer, making it easier not to accidentally look at each other.
"Do you miss him?" she said suddenly.
"No." I replied quickly, hoping she'd get the message that I did not want to talk about this. She looked at me, then her eyes were cast down, remembering that I wasn't to fond of making eye contact. She tilted her head a little, and said: "It's okay to let people in sometimes."
I looked up at her, trying to keep the anger off my face. What did she know about not being able to let people in, or having to try and move on after the person you thought you could trust completely screw you over for the rest of your life? Just because she was okay with the fact that she could never go back to her family, or never live a normal life again, doesn't mean that I have to be also.
It took everything I had not to yell at her, not to make her feel bad just because she was concerned about me and how I was coping.
"I'm okay," I replied, trying my hardest to smile so I could break the tense feeling in the room, and make it cheery and happy again, before Raven stumbled upon me and the photo.
She looked at me unconvinced, and I knew she didn't believe me. I wouldn't have believed me if I was in her position, but she smiled back at me and even let out a small laugh. "Okay, good. I was just a little worried about you, thats all." She put her hand on my shoulder, and I could hardly see the sadness in her eyes as we both knew that I was far from okay.
I gave her a pretty smile, and she stood up and walked back to the abandoned laundry basket which had been forgotten. She picked it up and dumped the contents into the pile in the corner where, from the first time I stepped in this room up to this day, the clothes had always been. The clean shirts and pants fell into a lumpy pile, August's, Raven's, and my clothes all mixed in together.
She put the basket in the opposite corner of the room, in the small closet which had no doors and hardly any clothes in it, and then stood near the door stretching, and said: "I'm hungry, think I'm going to cook something. You want to help out?" She smiled at me as she waited for a reply.
"Yea, sure I'll be there in a second." I answered, smiling at her when she nodded and turned to open the door. She walked through and closed it behind her, leaving me by myself. I quickly grabbed the photo from beside me where I'd buried it in the blankets of my bed. I stared at it like I had, almost expecting Raven to come in and discover me doing so again. But she remained in the kitchen, and I heard her opening cabinets and moving pots and pans as she hummed some song that I wasn't familiar with.
Finally, I sighed and slid the photo into the pocket of my jeans, and stood up quietly. I heard it crinkle in my pocket a little as I got up off the bed, and stood there silently for no reason in particular. I was glad that Raven appeared to have dropped the subject of me being okay, because I had no will to talk or let out any feelings that I may or may not have had.