Forever And Never

"This one might be a challenge," Ramsey said as he unwrapped the cord from around the timer clock and plugged it into an outlet close to the table, causing the clock to come alive and blink bright, red numbers. I nodded at his observation as I ran a finger over the smooth screen of the cell phone Ramsey had brought home.
"Couldn't I just call my Mom on my phone? Why use this one?" I looked over at him, and after a pause he replied: "The numbers are blocked, remember? If you tried to call, it wouldn't work." I nodded understandingly looking back down at the phone for a minute only looking up when Ramsey asked how long I wished to speak with my family.
"Fifteen minutes I guess..." I answered, having not given it much thought. Twenty minutes had been a disaster, only because Hayden had persuaded my mother to let him talk to me and he had tried to make me guilty for leaving. Fifteen minutes seemed ideal, as long as my brother wasn't around to make things harder.
After having set the timer for fifteen minutes, Ramsey set it down and walked over to where I stood leaning against the table. "I made a list of the things you need to make sure she understands." His hand went to the table, and his finger tips touched a piece of paper with his writing on it. I read a few of the things on the list, the idea of having to lie that much to my own mother giving me a sick feeling.
"Make sure she knows that your back in town, but that you're living on your own now." His eyes were on me as he spoke, and I'm sure he wasn't surprised when I countered his statement. "She's going to want to see me if I'm back in town. She's my mother, not just some person. What am I supposed to tell her when she wants to come over?"
"You've just got to avoid it; change the subject or ask her another question." He had a look of understanding, and that look was probably the only thing that kept me from yelling at him when be paused. "It's better for everyone if you just keep distance between the two of you. I know it seems hard, but at least your able to talk to her."
He stepped away, and I looked back down at the phone in my hands with a sigh as I heard him pick up the timer in his hands and after a seconds hesitation ask, "Are you ready?" I nodded, and slowly pressed the buttons of my home number, trying not to draw attention to the fact that I had to struggle to recall all of them in the correct order. I listened to the dial tone ring again and again before I heard the all too familiar sound of the answering machine, causing me to instantly pull the phone from my ear and hang up.
"Was no one there?" Ramsey asked when I looked back at him, his face just as surprised as mine must have been. We'd been planning for this phone call for the last two days, coming up with a solid story to match what I'd told Ali and Lori, and arranging permission, along with getting a phone and timer, all to have it come to a halt because no one answered the actual call.
"What do I do?" I questioned, the possibility that maybe I wouldn't get to talk to my mom running through my mind. Ramsey had always exercised 'only one call allowed' and my eyes scanned over his face as I debated whether or not he would stick to his word.
"Um..." Ramsey awkwardly replied, "Try calling again?" At his response, my eyes fell back to the phone in my hands, and after a seconds pause I nervously moved my index finger over a few of the buttons before finally pressing down on them and dialing the number once more.
The more times the dial tone rang in my ear, the more I realized how desperate I was to hear my mothers voice. It had been February, six months, since we'd been able to speak to one another, though it felt like it had been years. I squeezed my eyes shut and prepared for the sound of the answering machine once more, but was instead surprised to hear the phone pick up suddenly and my mothers voice saying hello hastily, as though she'd just ran to catch the call.
"Mom?!" I blurted out automatically, all the the fear and doubt and worry about not being able to speak with her leaving me. The shock and happiness of hearing her voice eroding away at the anguish that had been building.
"Nicolette?" My mom replied, her words as much astonished as mine if not more. I listened with unspoken joy as she set something down on the table, then switched the phone to her other ear before continuing, "It's been so long... it's great to hear your voice though." I smiled sadly to myself as I took a seat at the table to my right, my back still facing Ramsey as he pressed a button on the timer which began it's countdown. "I know, I'm sorry. My life has been so busy these past few months that I've hardly even had the time to pick up the phone."
The chucked lightly and I listened as she sat down and rested her head in her free hand before replying quietly, "So how had New York been?" She sounded exhausted, her voice weary and tired and weak. I wanted to think she was just so happy to hear from me that it had worn her out, but I knew that it was most likely the voice of a mother who had been fighting for almost a year to get her daughter back to no avail.
I stuttered for a second, the ugly lies I was about to tell catching in my throat and making me gag, then I cautiously began to answer: "I'm, uh, actually... not living in New York anymore. Me and August broke up, and I left about a month and a half ago." Before I'd even finished speaking, I listened as my mother sat up in her chair, her posture straightened with the sudden potential that my words were bringing. I realized the false hopes I was giving her too late, and before I could say anything more, she spoke. "So...? Does that mean..."
I opened my mouth the reply, but only silence came as I contemplated what my next series of words would bring. There was no way to escape the situation now that she was waiting anxiously for my voice to come from my side of the phone. "Well... I'm in town and everything... but I got my own apartment to live in."
I closed my mouth and finished speaking, but only silence answered my from the other side of the phone and I starting to talk more because I didn't want to face her reaction to the news that I wouldn't be coming home. "I'm almost eighteen anyways, I was going to move out soon... I just figured I should do it now..."
My jaw clamped shut once again, and I convinced myself that it was better to endure the horrible silence rather than go on talking and making it worse. I around in my seat and looked at Ramsey who meet my gaze for only a second or two before breaking eye contact and casting his eyes down at the table where the countdown clock read 11:43.
When at last I heard her sigh lightly into the phone, I turned back in my seat to listen and after another small pause between us she finally spoke, "I guess I can't stop you."
Both lines remained absorbed in a deathlike silence as her words sunk in and I felt a terrible pain in my chest as I replayed her response over and over in my head. She sounded defeated, like she knew now that no matter how hard she pushed, it was a useless effort to bring me home. As far as she knew, I'd had the choice to to come back but had chosen not to and it was out of her hands now.
"I hope you won't become overwhelmed with living be yourself," She mused, trying to make conversation with me even though her voice betrayed her and made it obvious that she didn't want to talk anymore. She was hurt and angry at my decision, but the fact that she didn't know when she would speak to me next canceled out all of her negative feelings.
"I think I'll be alright. I've still got money saved, and I'm already looking for a job," I replied, not liking the upbeat tone of my voice and how it was becoming easier to lie. The false statements left a bad taste in my mouth and the more the timer counted down, the more sick it made me feel.
Soon enough, the remainder of the conversation began to be plagued with small holes of silence between the two of us, and they grew rapidly more and more until I found myself listening to the silence on the other line for up to thirty seconds at a time. We were both so different now, our personalities morphed and contorted by the event my leaving so much that neither of us could hardly recognize the other. We were like strangers brought together only by accident.
Without looking back at the timer, I made a move to end the phone call after having endured a horribly long pause which had convinced me that this was only causing harm to both of us and whatever was left of our relationship. "Well I've got to go but it was really great talking with you." I swallowed hard, debating with myself whether or not to speak further. When she made no reply, I decided I had to," I... I want you to know that I'm alright where I am, and I'm happy that your letting me venture out on my own and try this..."
After an agonizing couple of seconds she replied, " I'm glad that your happy..." Her voice was rough from lack of use. "I love you and I'll see you around, " I ended quickly, pulling the phone from my ear because I was terrified that all I would hear in reply was that sickening silence.
"You've still got almost five minutes on the timer-" Ramsey exclaimed , staring at me with wide eyes when I stood up and turned, interrupting him with saying, "I don't want it." He looked at me quietly with a surprised look as I placed the phone on the table next to the countdown clock then brought my hand up to my forehead.
Finally I sighed saying, "No more phone calls. I can't take it anymore." Ramsey stood quietly in place, holding himself back from questioning my decision knowing the possibility of a fight starting. "So just, take all the stuff back to Branch Wood and cancel any phone calls you had planned already." I removed my hand from my head, though still chose not to look up at him as I finished, "I just can't do it anymore." He nodded as a reply, and began to collect the phone and timer together to take them back to Branch Wood as their last time being used in this apartment came to an uncomfortable end.