Forever And Never

"Are you sure you ready?" Ramsey asked for the millionth time as I stood in the bathroom debating which shirt to wear on my very first day of school. The wait was finally over, and despite the nervous feeling gathering in my chest, I was more than ready to make my way back into the human world and have my chance at a normal life again. I sighed and turned from the mirror to glare at him where he stood in the door frame with his arms crossed, a look of concern clear on his face. I understood his worry, since the last student of his who had gone to school hadn't turned out so well, but I still scoffed at him.
"It's only school, Ramsey. I've been doing it for most my life." I turned back around and held the green shirt up in front of me, surveying if it was better than the purple one in my other hand. Ramsey shifted behind me before countering my reply with: "Yes, but this is your first time going to school as a vampire. It's really different, and there's a lot more control which you have to exercise this time."
I almost laughed at his 'control' remark as I had never seen anyone in high school exercise any kind of control. He was about to continue, but I turned around and leaned against the sink saying quickly: "I've been doing this for nine months, and I've been interacting with humans for like four months; I'm going to be okay." When he still looked worried I stepped closer to him until I was mere inches away. I could sense that he was tense, and I could tell that he was much more worried about this than he'd been leading on.
"I know this is scary, and I'm scared to," I stated, confessing something to him I hadn't even told myself yet even though I could feel it building. "But I'm not going to mess up, I promise." I looked him right in the eyes, hoping to convince him as best as I could. I wouldn't let him down or disappoint him, no matter what it took. Finally he smiled at me, and though I was aware that he was still scared just as I was, he put on a reassuring face and after a second said, "Finish getting ready, you’re going to be late." I sneered at him, and he laughed and walked out of the room to let me finish getting dressed and doing my makeup.
Eight AM came around, thirty minutes before classes began, and I stood in the living room checking my bag to make sure I had everything I needed: Something to write with, school ID, wallet, cell phone and anything else I thought I would need. Everything seemed to be in place and ready for me to leave, and once I was satisfied I grabbed my black sweater for protection against the sun ignoring that any normal person wouldn't even think of grabbing one considering how warm it was.
As I slipped my arm into the sweater and began to button it up, Ramsey walked into the living room and set a pair of sunglasses down on the table next to my bag. I smiled and picked them up, finding them surprisingly stylish and suitable for someone like me to own, not something I'd expect Ramsey to pick out. "Thank you," I grinned as he put an arm around me and hugged my tightly.
"Please be careful," He said once he'd pulled away and had his hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking down at me as he tried to disguise the anxious look marring his face. I gave him a soft smile, wishing I could find a way to tell him that I would be just fine other than showing him over time. He didn't understand how determined I was not to mess this up, but I would prove it to him. "Do you have your schedule that was sent in the mail?" he questioned, looking over at the table to see if the envelope which had arrived a few days ago was still sitting there.
"Don't worry I've got it in my purse," I laughed lightly as I grabbed my folder for school as well as my purse and slung it onto my shoulder, pulling out the paper with my list of classes on it for him to see, then my cell phone and holding up I said, "And I'll call whenever I can, and I'll come straight home." I grinned at him one final time then turned around and walked toward the front door of the apartment, looking over my shoulder and slipping on my new pair of sunglasses with a smile. "Make sure you keep your promise or this it," He reminded me playfully as I grimaced and opened the door to the outside. I waved a final time then was out the door and down the stairs off towards the parking lot.

As I'd hoped I arrived at the high school five minutes before the first bell rang, enjoying the fact that I would be able to avoid the awkward search for my friends or a place to sit until class started. I gathered my things from the passenger seat, my purse and folder, then after a small breath I opened the door and submerged myself into the human world.
I walked down the wide busy walkway parallel to the parking lot, dodging the people walking in both directions to their classes. The walkway crosses a small road which ran along the school where school buses would park to let students off, then the large sidewalk met a set of side doors. I walked in the doors quickly, avoiding the cafeteria on the left as much as I could and pulling out my class schedule from my bag to find out where I had to go. Room 218, Economics, was held in the hallway next to the cafeteria and with a sigh I walked forward and to the left down the crowded hall.
The bell to go to class sounded off as I walked down the center of the hall to my first period, and already I began to notice that people were watching me as I made my way through the small crowds socializing and catching up after the summer break. I recognized people I knew but even them I chose not to speak to, and no one approached me to say anything. No doubt people had questions about why I'd suddenly left without warning and was just now being seen again. I knew it would come eventually, but I was thankful for being able to breath before being bombarded with accusations.
I arrived to my first period, and took a seat quickly towards the middle of the room. A number of people were already sitting down, some chatting casually or comparing schedules, but it was quiet until students started to enter the room more and more as the late bell approached. Everyone was a senior, like me, so naturally as soon as the class was filled with about twenty people everyone was talking loudly. I was so absorbed in watching everyone greet one another, I didn't even notice a girl standing next to me until she questioned: "Your back, Nicolette?"
My eyes flew to the direction of the voice and I recognized a girl I'd been friends with vaguely only because she knew Lori and I'd wanted to seem friendly. Now the way she was looking at me was almost intimidating, and I got a strange vibe as she looked down at me from where she stood next to my desk, her head tilting slightly as I replied awkwardly, "Yea I'm back now." She smiled and I could tell she was debating whether or not to probe further and ask why I had been gone. I struggled in preparation of what to say, but luckily the bell for class to began rang and the teacher entered the room, closing the door behind her.
The girl retreated back to her desk a few rows away, not wanting to cause a distraction on the first day and be called out by the teacher for being out of her seat. I looked forward again as the teacher set down at the front of the class and began explain in short the rules that expected we follow. She explained the course briefly, and went over a few of the projects and subjects we would cover before the end of the year. I listened as intently as I could, remembering my vow to Ramsey that I would keep my grades as high as I could or else he had permission to take me out of school.
Once the bell rang for first period to end, I left as quickly as I could to avoid the girl asking more questions that I could, hoping I could avoid the student body's natural curiosity about what had happened to me. Once Economics was over I went to my second period class: Physics. After that class was English IV, then ASL III, Art I, Government, and finally World History as my last class at the end of the day. I saw no sign of Ali or Lori during my first two classes, giving the morning a bad impression, but I was excited to find that we ended up all having English class together.
Of the trio, I was the last to arrive to the classroom and at the sight of me walking through the door both girls squealed loudly and motioned me over to where they were sitting when I looked over at the noise they'd made. They had secured the back seats of two rows for themselves, and once they saw I was here to join them they led me to a seat in the back of the row furthest from the door where Ali was sitting in front of and Lori was sitting next to in the row to the right.
"I'm so happy we all have a class together again," Ali voiced excitedly as she turned in her seat, watching as the class began to fill once the bell rang for class to start and the remaining students who had been outside poured in quickly and reserved their seats. Lori and I agreed with her as the teacher entered the room, a man in his thirties with graying hair and stubble, and closed the door before he began his own version of the lecture all teachers were giving about basic rules and regulations, following it up by a small description of what his course offered and what was to be expected throughout the year. Once he was finished he gave us permission to talk amongst ourselves as he pulled out his laptop and turned on the radio located on a shelf by his desk. It was then when I was first put on the spot by questions about my disappearance.
Lori was the start of it all, asking once again what had happened that caused me to miss over half of last year despite the fact that I'd already told her when I'd run into her and Ali on my third outing. This caused the people sitting around us to look over and when my only response to her was an angry glare someone repeated what she had asked loudly, resulting in the entire class looking to me for an reply to a question that had been on everyone's mind.
"I, uh…" Ramsey had specifically told me to tell the same lie that Ali and Lori know so that they wouldn't become suspicious that I wasn't telling the truth, but now that I was sitting there surrounded by my peers I didn't want all of them to know that I had up and left without warning or word or months on end all because of a boy. It was embarrassing and made me look weak, but it was the same thing me and Ramsey had been telling people since I'd been bitten and it was way too late to change the story.
"Well, I went to New York for a while…" I began, finding the most positive part of the lie while I tried to stall the worst of it. Lori could clearly see that I was uncomfortable, but she almost enjoyed how uneasy I felt having to admit why I had left. "And why did you leave?" She questioned as she moved to sit on the top of the desk, putting her feet on the seat part and resting her elbows on her legs, leaning forward as she waited for my reply. People around us whispered, the classroom completely focused on me. Even the teacher was looking in my direction, curious about the situation.
"I left because um…" I paused again, struggling to find a way to word the story to where it didn't sound like I was a pathetic lovesick girl. There was hardly any way I could think of that would let me escape with my dignity. "I did it because I'm stupid, " I blurted out, my eyes diverted to the desk in front of me. "I thought I was in love, and when I thought I was losing that love I panicked and tried to chase after it… in the end it only lead to heartbreak." I was thankful that I could blush, for my face would have been red from having so much attention on me. My eyes watered lightly, though most people couldn't tell due to my hair falling in my face. Though I was supposed to me lying to everyone, I'd more or less told the truth of what had really happened almost a year ago.
The class remained silent for a minute or so, but once people began to realize that I was finished with my story the slowly returned to their normal state, talking loudly with each other, joking and playing around and gossiping about every little thing. Two or three people around me offered some comfort, trying to tell me that no one thought badly of me even though I could already see strange looks being thrown my way. I played off any sadness that might have been brought on by the lie I'd been forced to tell immediately, laughing away all the sympathy and telling everyone that I was alright. Lori apologized for throwing me into the spotlight like she had, and I forgave her and tried to look as cheery and normal as I could.
The rest of the day drug by slowly, each class developing its own personality as far as the attitude of the teacher, the students, and the rules. After English, Ali, Lori and I went to our scheduled lunch period, sitting at a table with a small group of other friends and socializing with people around us. By then I’d already noticed a few friends of mine from when I was human were staying away from me, either intentionally, or for lack of something to say. I'd heard the rumors that had surfaced after my leaving all day, the more people talked to me and got used to me being around again, the more they confessed that they had heard several reasons to my sudden absence. Someone in my fifth period class had finally gathered up the courage to ask if I had gotten pregnant and had left school as a result f it. The time frame which I was gone was convenient, which made the rumor all the more challenging to erase from people’s minds.
One that I'd heard whispered in bits and pieces in the hallways, never fully said until a boy at lunch who was a friend of Ali’s was brave enough to ask was that I’d dropped out of high school due to a horrible drug problem which had taken over my life. I quickly countered the facts of the rumor, saying I'd never tried drugs in my life. That I'd simply run away was a popular one that was thrown into conversations involving me all day, that I'd gotten sick of home and of school and my friends and had just up and left. This rumor was hardest of all to dispel because it was most similar to the lie I was telling everyone.
After my ASL class ended, and I'd made it through my first day of US Government, I walked quietly to my last period of the day: World History. The Irony that I ended up having the same class, the same period once again had made me laugh bitterly, but upon closer look at my schedule I realized that I had the same room and teacher as well. By the time I entered the room and had sat down in a desk nearby the one I'd taken a year ago, I felt sick to my stomach.
My mind replayed the history the room contained for me, taking me back to the first day of my junior year when I watched August walk through the door and take his seat near me, to the note passing nearly every day and the small meaningless conversations we both participated in countless times. I remembered Megan Harris' futile attempts to gain his attention by either exploiting herself or acting like an idiot, and the look on her face when he would prefer my company over hers. I squinted painfully at the memory of him asking me to hold his hand and the strange ritual we went through just to touch our finger tips together. I sighed at the thought of the two of us leaving the classroom together hand in hand like there was no problems in the world, like he was just a normal boy who lived alone in an apartment without his parents and had trouble being close to each other, though none of that would ever be true.
By the time the bell rang for class to start, I was up and trying to leave desperately. In a flow of movement I'd grabbed my purse and folder and was walking down the aisle in between the rows of desks to the front of the classroom, my eyes focused only on the door and getting as far away from room 101 as possible. I didn't care if I was skipping class, it was worth it if I didn't have to think about the history the room contained for any longer. I would sit in the bathroom until school ended, or drive home to Ramsey, or something as long as I didn't have to be in the room anymore.
But as I was about to make my escape, only inches from the door frame, the hallway, and furthermore freedom, the teacher entered the room from the hall, looking across the classroom as he made a move to close the door, then stopping once he saw that I was rushing towards the door that he was blocking. "Whoa, where are you going Ms. Stevens?" he questioned as he kicked the door stopper away and the door swung shut behind him, causing everyone to quiet down and turn their attention to us.
"I was, uh, going to see the counselor about getting my schedule changed," I mumbled awkwardly as a response, having only just come up with my answer seconds before giving it. I actually had a meeting with my counselor scheduled for tomorrow after school regarding how I would make up all my credits in time to graduate, but I was willing to lie if it meant getting away from this place.
"Not during my class," He replied sternly as he crossed his arms, "You've got to be here if you expect to pass my class this time." The class, all of them watching intently as me and the teacher talking, laughed loudly in response to his remark embarrassing me further as I looked around the room at everyone, then finally back at the teacher. He motioned for me to return to my seat and after a second of standing quietly in place, I turned and walked back down the row where my seat had been and sat down without a sound, setting me things down on the desk and ignoring me as they looked at me.
The teacher took a seat at the front of the classroom and after taking roll, began his intro that I'd already heard a year ago when I'd taken the class. He didn't assign the 'What I did over summer' essay like the year before, which I was thankful for because I was sick of lying and didn't think I had the strength to fabricate another untrue statement. Instead he handed out a few worksheets for us to complete, causing the class to grown in annoyance as he gave the first person in each row a few copies of the papers to pass back. Although I was practically nauseous at having to sit in this room with all the memories surrounding me, I worked on the papers for the rest of the period thankful for the distraction and for that fact that it passed the time. Just as I was finishing the last paper the bell sounded off, signaling the end of the first day of school. The teacher yelled for us to turn in the worksheets on Tuesday, tomorrow, though by the time he finished his words I was out the classroom door and out of the school, desperate to get away from the everything that being in the school once again brought back.