Thou Shalt Not

"How long?" I asked Michael for the millionth time. I could imagine what people were thinking when they looked at me. I was covered in blood and pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"It’s only been a half hour. You gotta give them time, man." Michael said as he sat on the very edge of his seat. I scoffed and continued to pace, looking at the ER doors. I was waiting for someone, anyone, to come out and tell me anything on what was happening with Lacie and if she was okay. But no one came out.

I let out an aggravated sigh and pulled at the ends of my hair. "Son?" My dad appeared in front of me bundled up tightly in his winter gear. "What are you doing here? I didn’t think you were going to be here until tomorrow evening?" I asked. "We got in a little early to surprise you and Michael texted me. I wanted to be here with you. What's happening? Come and sit before you walk the floor thin." My dad said and ushered me to a chair.

We both sat down and I immediately stood back up. "Son, sit down." My dad said sternly and like a scared little boy, I sat back down. "I'm going to go get us some coffee." Michael said and disappeared down the hallway.

"What has happened?" My dad asked. I shook my head. How the fuck did I know? I didn’t have a goddamn clue. The blood was coming from between her legs but that wasn't just some hell of a period. There was no way. Fuck. I didn't fucking know and all I wanted was for someone to get the fuck out here and tell me what the fuck was going on.

"I don't know. I don't know." I said and shook my head. "There was blood everywhere and she looked fucking dead when I found her." I sobbed, tears catching in my throat when I thought about how dead she really fucking looked. "I don't fucking know." I spat and angrily wiped away the tears that threatened to escape after I put my head down into my hands. My dad’s hand landed on my back with a thud and he tried to comfort me the best he could.

I heard a whoosh from a door opening and then heard shoes squeak until they stopped in front of me. I didn't want to hear what they had to say but I did want to hear what they had to say. I squinted my eyes closed, praying that Lacie was okay.

"Are you the father?" A sweet but exhausting sounding voice asked. I felt my father fidget in his seat beside me. I assumed that he had nodded, willing to take the news and bear the burden for his son.
"Are you the father?" I heard her ask again. What was my dad doing? Was he ignoring this lady who was obviously asking him a question? I opened my eyes and looked up at my dad who was looking back at me.

"Dad?" I asked, slightly annoyed. Could we just get the update already? "I think she is talking to you, son." My dad said, his gray eyes now almost a pale gravel color.
Why would she have been talking to me?

Oh.

And then I got it.

I broke out into a cold sweat and my heart slammed against my ribs as I realized why my dad was looking at me the way he was and why the nurse’s question had been repeated.

I looked down at my hands - my cuticles caked with dry blood.
Lacie's blood…
My baby's blood…

I swallow the hard lump in my throat and looked up, tearing my eyes away from the symbol of life caked and dead on my hands. "Yes," I said barely above a whisper. "Yes," I said again, this time louder. My dad squeezed my shoulder as I held my breath waiting for what this woman was going to tell me next.

She smiled sympathetically. "Lacie is still being tended to," She started and I wanted to ask what the fuck she meant by being tended to. My knee bounced up and down and I squeezed my hands into nervous fists on my lap.

"It’s not a definite answer but we believe she has suffered from placental abruption. She-" I put my hand up to stop her. "Fucking English, please!" I snapped and my dad patted my back. My mind was swirling with a million different things and she was only making it worse with the medical mumbo jumbo. I just wanted to know if Lacie was okay - that's all I was worried about at this present point and time.

"For some reason, the baby detached. We're still trying to figure that out but Lacie has lost a lot of blood and she's getting blood transfusions to help with-" I cut the nurse off. "Is she okay? You're telling me everything but what I want - no - what I need to know. Is she okay?" I didn't even recognize my own voice screaming at this lady.

"Yes," she said softly and to the point that it’s irritating. I motion her to continue with my hand. It was like pulling teeth to get this woman to speak. Why was she the one out here? Why not someone with a little more sense of urgency?

"She's comfortable. We have her on pain medication to help with the pain and discomfort from the D&C and once she has enough transfusions, she'll feel and look better physically." She said. My heart lifted a little.

"Is she awake? I'd like to see her." I said and stood up. The nurse took a step back from me, getting her first real glance at the blood all over me. "She's resting now but you can go see her." She nodded.

I turned to look at my dad who gave me a small, reassuring smile. "I'm so sorry. The baby didn't make it." The nurse said quietly. Like a punch to the gut, I suddenly felt nauseous. I didn’t say anything. I focused my gaze onto the wall that had a poster of recognizing symptoms of a heart attack and a poster of recognizing the symptoms of a stroke.

I don’t know how long I stood there staring at those posters but the nurse stepped away from me and my dad yanked on my arm from his chair. “Colin!” He yelled and like a robot, I looked down at him.

“Wait!” I called to the nurse. She turned around to look at me. “Does she know? About the baby?” I asked, the word “baby” bitter in my mouth. “Yes. The doctor has spoken to her. She knows.” She said and when she realized I wasn’t going to ask her anything else, she disappeared behind the doors.

I stood there, my head hanging over my shoulders.

“Go on now. She needs you.” My dad said sternly from behind me. I nodded my head and I slowly shuffled my feet towards her room.

~*~

When I walked into the hospital room, I wasn't prepared for what I saw. She wasn't dead, no, but she looked fucking dead.

Her face was pale - ghostly pale. Her lips looked to be a gray colored purple and her eyes were closed softly, as if they had been manipulated that way. Her arms fell at her side, an IV sticking into the crease of her elbow.

I walked inside and pulled a chair from the corner of the room up to her bedside. I reached out to grab her hand. It felt cold which felt good on the heat from my hands.

"Jesus," I blew out a breath as I watched her chest rise up and down. "Lacie? Can you hear me?" I said softly. I stroked the top of her hand, my fingers moving over the terrain of her veins. Her eyes fluttered and she took a deep breath before her eyes opened completely. The usual thunderstorm blue color of her eyes looked oddly piercing bright blue against her flesh tone.

"Hi," She said softly, her head turning towards me. "Hi?" I asked. "That's the first thing you're going to say?" I asked bewildered. "I guess I should start with saying I'm sorry for waking you up?" She asked with a bite to her tone. It took everything I had not to smirk at her smart ass mouth. Half dead and she was still herself.

"How do you feel?" I asked and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "I should feel better with all of this new blood so I guess physically I'm okay...tired." She shrugged. I frowned. I didn't want to ask her how she felt emotionally but I knew she wanted me to. I needed to know. The more I knew, the easier I could comfort her.

"And...emotionally?" I asked quietly, carefully. "I don't know." She said calmly. "When can I go home?" She asked quickly. "I haven't heard. You should see the doctor soon, shouldn't you?" I asked. "I guess. I wish they'd hurry up." She scoffed and dropped her eyes to my lap and I suddenly remembered I had blood all over me when her eyes widened a bit and she swallowed hard.

"Sorry. I've been here since, well, they brought you in. I didn't think of changing my clothes. I just wanted to get to you." I said and did my best to cover the bigger spots of blood with my free hand.

"You should go home and change… Get some sleep. You're tired. I can tell." Lacie sighed and shut her eyes, laying her head back on the pillow. Was she shutting me out? "Lacie, I think we both know I'm not going to go home and go to fucking sleep." I scoffed. I wanted to be comfort for her and she was being stubborn. She was hurting, I knew she was.

She didn't say anything except let out a long sigh. "Did the doctor say, um, did the doctor say how far along you were?" I struggled to ask the question. "Six weeks or so." Lacie shrugged, her eyes still closed. "And there's something I need to tell you." She said. "Go ahead," I urged her to continue. She cleared her throat and pulled her head up from the pillow.

"I had sex with Gunner when I went home on Christmas. I can't say for sure the baby was yours..." Lacie chewed on her bottom lip and wiped the tears from her eyes before they fell.

Well hell - that hurt. It hurt a lot, actually. She went to break up with him but fucked him first.

"I don't know how it happened... it just did. Colin, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Lacie said, her voice muffled with tears. I was supposed to accept her apology wasn't I? I knew how manipulative Gunner was. It wasn't too far-fetched to believe he fucked with her head. But, still... But how could I be mad? They were still technically together... She was his before she was mine. She wasn't fully mine until after she broke up with Gunner.

I guess I didn't have any reason to be mad but I still felt like I wanted to be.

I didn't say anything. I pressed my lips into a tight line.

"I just felt like I owed him something, I guess. I don't know." Lacie sighed in aggravation. "You didn't owe him shit. No matter how much you think you did, you didn't." The words fell out of my mouth easily. "Why didn't you tell me before now? Did you know you were pregnant? Is that why you didn't tell me?" I asked, my voice slightly louder.

"Of course I didn't know I was pregnant! I wouldn't have been drinking alcohol if I had known! Jesus!" Lacie snapped. "And I didn't tell you about Gunner because I didn't know how. He was done and over with. I didn't want to bring him up anymore!" Lacie exclaimed, running her frantic hands through her hair.
I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry I've caused all of this. Really, I am." Lacie spoke quietly, tears rolling down her cheeks. I didn't say anything. "Go home, Colin." Lacie sighed and ripped her hand from mine. "I'm not leaving." I said and stood up from the chair. I could feel pent up energy coursing through my body. I needed to move around.

"You don't need to stay." Lacie said and I watched her wipe her eyes. She looked shattered laying there. The tears fell and the look of regret and devastation colored her pretty face. I couldn't stand to see her this way.

"I do need to stay. You want to fall apart. I can see it. You're seconds away from it. I'm going to be here for you. I'm going to help you through this." I said and was back at her bedside, pulling her hand into mine and squeezing it. She looked at me and I watched her break slowly.

"It's just...gone…the baby." She said with a confused shake of her head. "I didn't even know I was pregnant. It must have been something I did... I was drinking while I was pregnant. It's all my fault." She cried, the tears fell hard and I pulled her into my arms. Her tiny body shaking in my arms.

"I'm being punished. Punished for cheating on Gunner and punished for sleeping with him when I was with you. God, I'm such a whore. I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I'm ruining your life!" Lacie sobbed into my chest. "Stop." I said and pulled her from me, cradling her head between my hands. "You are not a whore. It happened. I can't be mad at you for that. He was your boyfriend - I wasn't. Habits are hard to break and I know how you dreaded his reaction to you breaking things off with him in the first place." I said, searching her eyes for some sort of understanding, some sort of peace.

"You're not ruining my life. I'm so glad I met you. You're the best thing that happened to me." I said and Lacie scoffed, "I'm a fucking train wreck. That's all I'll ever be." She sighed, tears still falling down her cheeks. "That's not true. You've had some bad luck. We all do. You seem to be forgetting I'm having my share of bad luck, too." I faintly smiled at her. "I don't care about this other stuff. I care about right now. Maybe this was meant to happen." I said quietly.

"The baby wasn't mine. It was Gunner's. That's what I'm going to believe. It's horrible to say, I know, but maybe you bled the last time for him." I said and hoped I hadn't crossed the line. I hoped I hadn't gone too far speaking so carelessly about a dead baby. "To move on, you know?" I asked softly.

"It's easy for you to believe that it was another man's baby but it was still half mine. Either way it went - it was half of me. A half of me that will never be because it's dead." Lacie said and I pulled my hands away from her. The black emotion I saw in her eyes startled me. In that moment, she didn't look like the Lacie I knew. And that scared the hell out of me.