Thou Shalt Not

A knock on the door woke me from the doze I had fallen into. I opened my eyes to see my doctor from earlier - the doctor who told me I miscarried a baby I didn’t even know I was carrying. "Miss DiSanta? I'm Dr. Reynolds from earlier. How are you feeling?" She asked with a faint smile. I shrugged, "I guess okay."

I looked over to the empty chair beside me. Colin was gone. Did he leave for good? I understandably could justify his absence. I scolded myself over and over for not telling him sooner about Gunner. I scolded myself for even doing it in the first place with Gunner. This was what put me here. I was sure of it.

And it hurt like hell.

"When can I go home?" I asked, sitting up further in the bed. "We'll need to collect some blood to be sure but I'd say sometime today. We just want to make sure your blood levels are where they need to be. You lost quite a lot." Dr. Reynolds said with a sigh.

"If it was only a miscarriage, why did I lose so much blood?" I asked. "It's hard to say. You weren't very far along and it's quite uncommon for that amount of blood loss. It wasn’t the placental abruption we had initially thought upon first assessment. You weren’t enough far long for that. Every woman is different. The easiest way to explain it would be a violent spontaneous abortion." Dr. Reynolds said and pushed her glasses up into her soft brown hair.

I looked at her. What I wanted was a concrete answer as to why it happened. It was reaching but I hated not knowing exactly why my baby didn't survive. "I know what you must be feeling-" Dr. Reynolds started but I cut her off. "I doubt it." I snapped. Dr. Reynolds frowned. "I'm sorry, Miss DiSanta. These things happen. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, I know." Dr. Reynolds said sympathetically.

Someone appeared in the doorway and even though my heart tried to jump when I saw who it was, it couldn’t. It was in too many pieces.

He wore fresh clothes, nothing with blood on them. "Mr. O'Donoghue. I was just getting ready to tell Miss DiSanta how to care for herself at home when she is released." Dr. Reynolds smiled faintly. "Great." Colin smiled and took a seat beside me. He grabbed my hand and I avoided his eyes.

I felt ashamed, so ashamed.

"We'll be sending you home with some pain medication and an antibiotic to help with any infection you may get. You'll most likely continue to bleed a little but the majority has already been cleaned out with the D&C you had earlier. You won't pass anything other than left over tissue and clots. We cleaned up everything else." Dr. Reynolds. "You mean the baby?" I asked. "The embryo, yes." Dr. Reynolds said.

My breath hitched in my throat and Colin squeezed my hand.

"Okay," I sighed, shaking away the tears. "Any other questions?" Dr. Reynolds asked. I shook my head. She didn't know the answers to what I wanted to know. Like: Where did we, Colin and I, go from here? Was this always going to be something we thought of? Something I was going to dwell on forever? Or was this something we were going to shove into the back of our minds and move on?

"What can I do?" Colin asked concerned. Dr. Reynolds smiled, showing off her perfect white teeth. "I'm so glad you asked." She continued to smile. "This always affects the woman more than a man. While you experienced a loss, too, it doesn't feel like it does to a woman. My best word of advice is don't think you understand how she feels. You don't and you won’t." Dr. Reynolds said, her smile gone from her face.

"Show her extra love and comfort during this time. Make her feel safe. I've seen the way you look at her, I know love won't be an issue." Dr. Reynolds smiled again.

Colin and I exchanged a look and I didn't know what the look was. Was Dr. Reynolds insinuating that we were in love? Was we? Did I love him? Did he love me?

"If there aren't any more questions, I'll send a lab technician in to draw blood and work on getting you home." Dr. Reynolds smiled. I shook my head and Colin thanked her as she stepped out of the room. "I need to call Justin so he can get my room ready." I sighed. "Your room?" Colin asked. "You're coming back to my place so I can take care of you." Colin said, his eyes boring into mine.

"Colin-" I started but he cut me off. "Why are you acting like this? Like this doesn't affect me as much as it does you?" He asked, his eyes wild. "How does it affect you, Colin? You don't even know if the baby was yours." I snapped. "I-" He started but I cut him off. "You already said you were going to believe the baby was Gunner's and not yours." I said and sat up straighter in the bed. "Lacie, I," Colin rubbed his face, unable to finish what he was going to say.

"Look, Gunner is over with, isn't he? I don't want to bring him up anymore. I said what I said because it's easier that way for me, and yes, it is very selfish but I've already lost one kid. I can't lose another." Colin said, his eyes a watery blue.

And my heart broke all over again. I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my eyes at his confession. "Don't cry, baby." Colin said with a forced smile and pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and I lost complete control of the emotions I did have in check. I cried hard into his shoulder. I was responsible for making him feel this way. It was all my fault.

And I couldn't help but to think of how soon we were dealing with heavy stuff. God. We were still in that "do-nothing-but-have-sex" phase - that "we're-still-new" phase. This shit right here just got too real.

"Oh my God! Lacie!" Crystal busted in through the room and I pulled away from Colin and wiped at my eyes. "Shit. I'm sorry. I should have knocked." Crystal said and dropped a duffel bag at the end of my bed. She came around to my free side.

"What the hell? You were pregnant? And didn't tell me? Lace..." Crystal said. "How did you know?" I asked. "I texted her." Colin shrugged. "I didn't know I was pregnant." I sighed. "Oh, boo. I'm so sorry. How are you feeling, considering?" Crystal asked. "I'll step out." Colin said and stood up. I grabbed at his hand and looked up at him. "Don't go," I said, a confusing feeling of panic rushing through me.

"I'll be back. I have to do a few things and since Crystal is here with you, I can go and do them quickly." Colin smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

Once he left, I turned my attention to Crystal. "Colin texted me earlier and I got here a quick as I could. Are you okay? Jesus... I can't believe this happened." Crystal said bewildered. "I'll be okay. When that will be, I don't know." I shrugged. "Aw, honey. Colin seems to be staying strong." Crystal said. "Yeah but he's in denial." I sighed. "Denial?" Crystal asked.

"He's making himself believe the baby was Gunner's." I said with a shrug. "Why the hell would he do that? And why the hell would he think it would be Gunner's?" Crystal asked suspiciously. "I told him. I told him that Gunner and I had sex." I said. "Why would you do that?" Crystal asked. "I don't want lies between us. He deserved to know." I said with a shake of my head.

“Well what did he say when you told him?” Crystal asked, dropping her purse on the floor and sitting up on the edge of the bed. “Nothing really,” I shrugged. “But I could tell he was upset. That little vein by his eyebrow was about to pop out from his head and if he tensed his jaw any tighter he would have broken his teeth.” I scoffed.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen now or how things are going to be. I feel like I fucked up big time. I told him I was going to call Justin and have him fix up my room and he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. He wants me at his place but I can’t help but to think it’s a bad idea.” I frowned. “What am I going to do? If there was any time I need your advice, it’s now, my friend.” I sighed.

Crystal crossed her legs up onto the bed. “Well,” Crystal scratched at her ponytail. “Something big happened here… Huge in fact. I don’t know if I have the advice, Lace.” Crystal shook her head. I started to tell her I understood and I wouldn’t have known what to say either but she spoke instead.

“Things happen for a reason and I know that you hate that philosophy but it’s true – they do. The baby might have been Gunner’s, we won’t ever know. And if it was, Lace, you know what sort of mess that would have made? You’d be tied to him for life. It would interfere with this good job you have going here. And let’s not forget Colin. How would he feel? Honey, it’d be a lot to deal with.” Crystal said and uncrossed her legs.

“And, Lace, I will be here for you. I’m not going anywhere – it’s you and me until the end. Boyfriends, husbands, babies… it doesn’t matter. You just have to get through this with Colin. Don’t push him away.” Crystal said with an arched eyebrow.

There was a knock at the door. In bopped a cute young lady no older that twenty. “I need to get more blood.” She smiled and bounced over to my free bedside. Her long, blonde braid swung from side-to-side with her movement.

She quickly cleaned the area and I barely even noticed when the needle hit my vein. She took three small vials of blood and put a bandage over the bleeding poke. “Hopefully this is the last time I have to poke you, huh?” She giggled. “Hopefully,” I smiled and she disappeared from the room.

“Colin told me that you’d possibly be going home today.” Crystal said as she stood up from the bed. “I stopped by your rental and packed you a bag.” Crystal said and grabbed the duffel bag from the end of the bed. “Was Justin there? You didn’t tell him, did you?” I asked. “No way. He asked what was going on and I just told him that you were okay and he shouldn’t worry. He hasn’t texted?” Crystal asked as she brought the duffel bag to my side.

“I haven’t even looked at my phone. It might still be at Colin’s…” I shrugged and unzipped the duffel bag. Inside was a few outfits, pajamas and undergarments. “Why is my sexiest lingerie in here?” I laughed out loud. “I knew you were going to be staying at Colin’s for a little while… Might as well make the stay fun,” Crystal winked and I pulled out a pair of jeans, leopard printed t-shirt and undergarments.

“Makeup and toiletries are in both sides of the bag.” Crystal smiled as she scrolled on her phone. “You didn’t tell Tom, did you?” I asked as I sat up on the side of the bed. I was bound and determined to get out of this fucking hospital today. Maybe if they walked in and seen I was dressed they’d hurry up the process a little bit.

“No. Do you not want me to?” Crystal asked as she continued to scroll on her phone. I shrugged. “If you do, it won’t upset me or anything. I just don’t want him going all over-protective on me.” I chuckled.

Underneath my hospital gown, I had no panties on. They must have been in the way and they were more than likely ruined, anyhow. I pulled on my clean pair and then stepped into my jeans, pulling them up over my hips. I grabbed the black yoga bra and quickly pulled the hospital gown off and pulled on the bra. I yanked my t-shirt over my head and pulled it down over my stomach. I pulled the taped bandage off my arm that had the IV in it and winced when it pulled at the hair on my arms.

I grabbed the hair brush and makeup out of the duffel bag and settled back into bed. I sat cross-legged and worked quickly on giving myself a quick, clean makeover. “Thanks for coming and bringing me a bag.” I smiled as I ripped a brush through my hair before piling it on the top of my head into a rainbow bun.

“You don’t have to thank me.” Crystal smiled and stuffed her phone into her pants pocket. “You’re going home today, aren’t you?” I asked as I checked my reflection in the compact mirror. “Yeah unless you want me to stay another day because I totally can.” Crystal said. “No, no. I know you have plenty of things to do back in L.A.” I said and snapped the compact shut. “When are you coming home again?” Crystal asked and opened the blinds wider in the window, letting the sun filter in.

“I’m not sure, actually. I think towards the middle of March.” I shook my head. I hadn’t had to be on set too much since we got back to Vancouver. My part time was about to be over soon though as I was back on working everyday with Robert next week until we finished wrapping.

“It’ll be a crunch with the wedding, won’t it? Fittings, tastings and such.” Crystal said and stuck out her bottom lip. “Don’t worry. I’ll help you with everything. You may have to carry me with Skype for some of it but I will help.” I smiled. “You have to be there for the dress fittings. You are, of course, going to be my maid of honor.” Crystal smiled. “Shut up!” I smiled. “Really?” I asked.

“Well duh. Did you honestly think I’d choose anyone else?” Crystal laughed. “Aw, thanks. I’d be honored.” I smiled and stood up to pull Crystal into a hug. “You sure you’re feeling okay? You’re not bleeding are you?” Crystal asked, taking a step back from me.

“Oh,” I said and touched my stomach. There wasn’t blood in the bed, was there? “Do you have anything?” I asked. “In the duffel,” Crystal pointed and grabbed a pad out of the bag and stepped into the adjoining bathroom.

Once I finished, I stepped out and Crystal was walking back in the room. “There was a little, um, blood in the bed but don’t worry, I got it taken care of.” Crystal smiled. “You’re such a good friend, you know that?” I laughed. “I’ve cleaned up worse.” Crystal scoffed and laughed at her. That was the God’s honest truth there – it truly was.

“Oh, Miss DiSanta. You’re up. You look much better. How are you feeling?” Dr. Reynolds asked as she stepped into the room. “I’m ready to go home.” I said and sat on the edge of the bed, slipping off the hospital socks and slipping on my black flats. “I can see that. Well, you’re not dressed for no reason because everything came back from the lab and everything looks fine.” Dr. Reynolds smiled.

“That’s great.” Crystal said and nodded her head at me with a smile. “I’ll have my nurse type up your discharge papers and get your medication and you’ll be out the door.” Dr. Reynolds smiled. “I am so sorry for your loss, Miss DiSanta.” Dr. Reynolds smiled faded as she stepped out into the hallway.

I exchanged a look with Crystal. “C’mon. You’re going home. We’ll stop and get you a frozen cappuccino on the way, okay? A little sugar in the blood might do you some good.” Crystal smiled, trying to pull my mind off the baby I just lost. I smiled and nodded my head.