Thou Shalt Not

It was no surprise that no one was up when I walked in the door. The house was dark, only a faint light shining from the kitchen, from the stove most likely. My body was trembling and all I wanted to do was squeeze my legs together tightly to try and disintegrate the pulsing tingle between my legs. Colin's kisses were like fire, igniting my entire body. I could have made out with him the entire night out there in the parking lot but I wouldn't have been able to control myself. Things would have went too far too quickly. Being with him was just so exhilarating. It felt right. There wasn't a part about it that felt wrong. I guess that in its self said something about my relationship with Gunner. He hadn't even contacted me all weekend - not that it even mattered to me but it showed the rift between us.

We were over. I had made up my mind. I wanted to be free of him. I didn't want him to pop up unexpectedly in my mind when I was with Colin and not to mention I felt like I was keeping secrets from Colin. I wanted to tell him and I'd like to think he'd understand but I couldn't chance it. I couldn't risk having him think I could and would do the same thing to him I was doing to Gunner. But how was I going to end something I was so afraid of? If it were easy, I would have already done it.

I walked quietly into my room and shut the door behind me. I flipped on the light, tossed my purse onto the floor and unlaced my boots before stripping out of my clothes. I threw on my sleep shirt and grabbed my phone out of my strewn pants before I climbed into bed, immediately falling underneath the heavy blankets. My head fell back into the pillows and brought my phone in my face. Unlocking the screen, I had a few text messages from Crystal.

C: How's it going?
C: You haven't answered so I'm assuming it's going good.
C: You go, girl! Text me tomorrow! I want all the dirty deets! ;)

I didn't even bother with texting her back. It was bound to strike up an hour long conversation and I just wanted to settle into bed, flip on the television and reflect on the evening. Somewhere between flipping through The Walking Dead and The Real Housewives of Atlanta, I fell asleep.

Sunday morning was bittersweet. Crystal and Tom were going back to Los Angeles until American Thanksgiving in a couple weeks and then they'd fly back up. I could go home but it was only for a few days and if I was being honest, I didn't want to go home. I'd tell Gunner I was working.

I quickly dressed in a pair of leggings, boots and a cardigan. I threw my hair up and washed my face, deciding to forego any cosmetics today. I threw my phone into my bag and threw my bag over my arm. "Where are you going so early?" Justin asked as he shuffled in the hall towards his bedroom with two bowls of cereal in his hand. "Are you eating for two?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. He had someone in that bedroom. He blushed slightly and shrugged. "Mhm." I winked. "Crystal and Tom are leaving today so I'm going to go see them off. I'll be back later and then we'll do Sunday dinner." I smiled. I enjoyed Sundays in Vancouver. Justin and I always had Sunday dinner. Whether we stayed in or went out, it was our little tradition. "Sounds good, babe. Tell them goodbye for me." Justin smiled and headed towards his room.

I drove myself over to the hotel, glad to be in my own car for once. I had been driven around too much this weekend. I rode the elevator up to the tenth floor and banged on Crystal and Tom's door. Tom swung the door open and smiled. "Glad to see your still alive, love." He chuckled and I laughed as I stepped inside. "Yes, I'm still alive and well." I smiled. "So, how was it? You didn't text me so I figured you were otherwise distracted." Crystal winked as she finished zipping up her Louis Vuitton luggage.

"He was very polite. We didn't do anything. We had dinner and then he dropped me off at home." I smiled. "You really didn't, did you?" Crystal asked as she took a bite of a granola bar. I shook my head. "Are you going to see him again?" Crystal asked. "I'm sure I will." I chuckled, already counting the minutes until I could see him again.

"Good." Crystal said as she pulled on her coat. "I wish you guys could stay a little longer but I know you're eager to get back home." I frowned as Tom started piling their things onto the hotel cart. "Yes, I am. I think my blood has started to thin." Crystal chuckled. "But I am going to miss you. When do you wrap again?" She asked as she stood up to pull her coat on. "A couple days before Christmas." I said.

"Not too much longer then." She smiled. My phone vibrated inside my coat pocket. Thinking it was Colin, I ripped it from my coat. I frowned once I saw it was Gunner. "I guess I know who that is." Crysal scoffed. "He hasn't called all weekend and now he's mad." I huffed. Crystal rolled her eyes. "Set him straight, Lace, please." Tom said from the door. Crystal nodded in agreement. "After this wonderful weekend, I think it's time and well overdue." Crystal said with a weary voice.

"We need to get going, love. Don't want to miss our flight," Tom said sweetly. "Okay," Crystal smiled and grabbed her handbag. "Well, I love ya. I'll see you in a couple weeks." Crystal pulled me into a hug and we bid goodbye after I made her promise to text as soon as she landed.

Stepping out of the elevator, my phone vibrated again. It was Gunner again only this time he was calling instead of texting. I sighed and answered the phone. I couldn't ignore him and he'd magically disappear from life. It was going to take some work to make that happen.

"Hey," I said as I stepped out of the lobby and out into the cold. "She's alive." Gunner scoffed. "You too, apparently." I scoffed back. "Why haven't I heard from you?" He asked hatefully. "Why haven't I heard from you?" I repeated. "Is there a fucking echo on the line? I asked you a question." Gunner growled. "I heard the fucking question, Gunner." I snapped as I reached my car. "Then answer it. I've been worried about you!" Gunner exclaimed.

I paused as I opened the car door. Worried? About me? "You usually call and text on your weekends off." Gunner said quietly, his voice wavering. "I miss you, L." Gunner said softly. The vulnerability in his voice pulled at my heart a little. I started to feel guilty for having such a wonderful weekend with another man while my boyfriend was back home missing me but then I heard the all to familiar sound of him snorting a line.

I resumed motion and climbed into my car. I quickly started the car, the heat already on and pumping hard from the vents. "You don't miss me. You're high." I scoffed and clicked on my seatbelt. "And here I almost believed that." I shook my head in disbelief. He was never going to change who he was. "I do miss you." Gunner said, sounding as if he had a stuffed up nose.

"Yeah, sure you do." I sighed and watched the traffic on the busy highway. Gunner sniffed another bump. "You might want to take it easy. It's only ten thirty in the morning." I snapped. "You've still got all day yet." I added. "When do you come home? Crystal hasn't been home so I couldn't ask her." Gunner said nasally. "I don't know, Gunner. I really don't." I sighed. I was getting aggravated and I was going to end the call. "I've got to go." I said flatly. "It's Sunday. I know you're not going to work." Gunner scoffed.

"No, but I'm driving and it's distracting." I lied. "Where are you going?" Gunner asked. "To the grocery store. No one else does it in the house." I lied again. "Lazy bastards," Gunner muttered. "Yeah, so, I have to go. Text me later and do me a favor and don't die." I snipped. "I'm invincible, sweets." Gunner chuckled. I rolled my eyes. "Bye, Gunner." I said and ended the call. I let out a deep breath and put the car into drive, heading out to the stoplight that led to the highway.

I let out a laugh. I couldn't believe that I almost fell for the shit Gunner was trying to spew about missing me. I should have known - it was his first bump of the day so that left him feeling excited and giddy. It wasn't because of me. It was because of his drugs. He loved drugs - he didn't love me and I sometimes thought he had the two mixed up.

I did end up stopping at the grocery store. I figured Justin and I could stay in tonight for dinner. I'd cook and we could eat and hang out in the finished basement that was never used by anyone other than Justin or myself.

I was throwing a box of pasta into my basket when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my pocket and unlocked the screen. 'I just woke up and I'm already thinking about you.' I smiled and butterflies consumed my belly from his words. I responded, 'I've been up for awhile and all I've done is think about you. It's distracting. I'm telling you.'

I was up at the checkout, emptying my basket when my phone went off again. I faintly heard the beeping of the scanner as I read the message: 'A good distraction. I'll take it. :-) What are your Sunday plans?' I quickly ran my fingers across the keyboard. 'Sunday dinner with Justin, one of my roommates. You?' "24.67 please," The cashier smiled. I slipped my debit card into the credit machine and then quickly put it back into my wallet. My phone beeped: 'Sunday dinner as well so I guess we'll have to see each other tomorrow then? :-(' I thanked the cashier and grabbed my two grocery bags and started for the exit.

I threw the groceries into the backseat of my car and quickly climbed in before responding to Colin's text. 'I guess so but you know, we don't ever really see each other.' His response was almost immediate: 'I'll stop by in the morning. It doesn't take no time at all for me to get ready for filming.' In the morning? Then that would mean he would stop in while I was doing Robert's makeup. 'Is that a good idea? I mean, Robert will be there...' I stuck the key into the ignition and started the car, flipping the heat on high.

Instead of texting, Colin called. My heart dropped into my stomach as my finger hovered over the accept button. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I answered the call. "Now you call when I'm already out of the store and sitting in my car." I chuckled. "Well I didn't know you were shopping. You could have called me, you know?" He chuckled back. "You're worried about Robert knowing we're seeing each other?" Colin asked, jumping directly to why he called.

"Seeing each other?" I asked. When had we put a label on what this was? "Are we not?" Colin asked. "Yeah, I mean, I guess...technically." I bit my lip. I sounded stupid. "You sound like you want to hide it... Do you? I mean - a few of my friends know and your friends know..." Colin trailed off. "No, no. That's not what it is. I just-" I struggled for the words. "It's going too fast." Colin finished for me. That wasn't what it was. I hadn't ever really cared for time - fast or slow. I agreed anyway. "Yeah, sort of." I said and clipped my seatbelt on.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed. We've seen each other all weekend." Colin said, his demeanor changing only slightly enough that I could detect it. "No, don't be sorry. It's fine. I'm sure we'll see each other in passing, right? If not, you have my number. We can text." I smiled as I put my foot on the brake and pulled the gearshift down into drive. "Sext you mean." Colin laughed. "Yeah - text, sext - whatever." I laughed and pulled out of the parking space, slowly creeping around the parking lot until I was stopped at the entrance and exit stop light.

A car rushing to get through a yellow light that had just turned red, flew by - a rushed, red blur. Someone laid on the horn, putting the driver's ignorance on blast. "Are you driving?" Colin asked. "Yes, I am pulling out onto the highway." I said. "I'll let you go. Text me later after you've had your dinner. I don't want you to get in an accident while on the phone. You did already say I was a distraction enough in your mind. I'm sure hearing my voice as well makes it all that much harder to bear." He said smugly. I could imagine the sly smile he had on his face. "You cocky bastard." I laughed out loud. "Be safe." He smiled and we ended the call.

I threw the phone down onto the passenger seat and let out a deep breath. This man - he had me all razzed up. I wondered if he knew what he was really doing to me. I honestly still couldn't believe this was happening between him and I. You only ever fantasize about a solid, magnetic connection and attraction with someone - you don't get to actually live it out in reality. Well, I didn't think you could anyway but I was proving myself wrong. I already couldn't wait until dinner was done and over with so I could text him again.