Music and Passion

The last few days have been wonderful and unbelievably relaxing. I spent two days with Dir En Grey and spent the next three days with Buck-Tick. Tonight is actually my last night with them and then I go back to my band in the morning.

Tomorrow night will be my first night on stage in a week. Nikki has been filling in for me. Thankfully the fans understood after we explained that I couldn`t be on stage for a few days per doctors orders. They actually saw Nikki singing as a bit of a treat and asked if he could sing again in the future. And I might just have to make sure that happens.

As much as I`m looking forward to getting back on stage, there`s something I`m looking forward to even more. Saturday is my date with Kyo and it`s currently Tuesday. To say I can`t wait is an understatement. I`m not sure where we`ll be going, being on tour and all doesn`t exactly leave room for a lot of places. But I`m sure we`ll have a good time no matter where we go.

"Sam? Are you alright?"

"Hmm?" I turned my attention to my left to see a worried looking Yutaka sitting next to me.

"Are you alright?" He repeated.

I nodded. "Yeah. I`m fine. Just thinking is all."

"Must be deep thoughts then," he observed.

"Why? Was I spaced out for a while?"

"Ten minutes," Toll answered from the kitchen.

I frowned. That is a long time to be spaced out. "Sorry guys. I just have a lot on my mind right now."

'"Wanna talk about it?" Yutaka asked with an encouraging smile.

I cast a quick glance around, immediately feeling silly for it, and when I saw it was just the three of us I spoke, "I have a date with Kyo on Saturday."

"Finally," Toll grunted.

"Who won the bet?" Yutaka asked while glancing back at his brother.

"What bet?" I questioned. "What were you betting on?"

"The whole band has been better on when you and Kyo would get together," Yutaka replied a bit sheepishly.

"And I think Imai won," Toll added.

I frowned. "And how much were you betting?"

Yutaka shrugged, "Not much. Mostly American sweets."

"You were betting on candy?"

"If we say yes, will you be less angry?"

"I guess candy is better than money," I huffed. "Goodness, you guys are in America for only a few months and you`re already gambling."

Toll and Yutaka began to snicker a little and that soon turned into full blown shaking laughter.

"What? Did I say something wrong?" I asked.

"We`ve been gambling long before we came here," Toll replied after he had finally calmed down from his laughter.

Yutaka however was still giggling beside me. "Gambling is almost as big in Japan as it is here."

I frowned a little. "Well, I guess it`s nice to know we haven`t completely corrupted you."

"Atsushi beat you to that," Yutaka giggled.

"I suppose he did, didn`t he?" I chuckled. It wouldn`t surprise me considering how that man acts on stage. Though it is very entertaining to watch when he gets particularly worked up.

Toll suddenly changed the subject. "Has Kyo been teaching you Japanese?"

I nodded. "Yeah. He kept giving me lesson after lesson while I was on their bus. At one point he only talked to me in Japanese. It was very frustrating. In the end I let my pregnancy hormones get the best of me."

Yutaka titled his head to the side curiously and asked, "In what way?"

My face began to heat up in embarrassment. "I started crying."

Toll almost snorted his drink. "Do what?"

"I started crying," I repeated. "I didn`t mean to. I honestly didn`t. I was just so frustrated and the doctor warned there would be moon swings. Apparently its a fairly normal part of pregnancy."

"And crying is part of it?"

"I guess," I said with a shrug. "I felt really bad though. He looked so panicked and confused."

"I don`t blame him," Yutaka murmured. "I would of been too."

"You should of seen what Shinya did though."

"What happened?"

"He started hitting Kyo with a pillow for making me cry."

This time Toll did snort his drink and Yutaka almost fell over in a fit of giggles.

"I think you found another protector," Imai commented as he walked out of the bunk area.

"I guess," I chuckled. "I didn`t realize one person could have so many."

"Wait till you give birth," Toll snickered. "So many uncles you won`t know what to do with."

"Ain`t that the truth," I muttered. "I always thought it would just be my band. Now its all the Dir En boys and I`m guessing you all will be as well."

"The whole band," Yutaka agreed with a nod.

"Except for Kyo," Imai said while settling on the couch across from me.

"What are you talking about?" I laughed.

"Just you wait. As soon as you have that baby all doubt will be gone between you two," Imai said with a little smirk.

I shook my head. He`s gone crazy. "Kyo has already established that he doesn`t think he`s father material and not only have I accepted that but I have assured him that I don`t expect him to be. I don`t expect anything from him actually."

"So, he won`t be acting as the father?" Yutaka asked slowly.

"No. Not unless he somehow changes his mind," I answered.

"Just wait. I think he`ll surpise you," Imai murmured. "Just you wait."

I began to shake my head. "I really don`t think so. Kyo is convinced his isn`t meant to be a father and regardless of what I may or may not want, I`m not going to make him do anything he doesn`t want to do. Especially when this child has nothing to do with him. And I know family isn`t always blood. If that wasn`t true then I wouldn`t have any family left. And I just..I don`t want.."

"Sam? You`re rambling," Yutaka interrupted gently. "And tearing up."

"Oh hell," I muttered, wiping at my now watery eyes. "I`m sorry. I just...hate that my kid isn`t going to have a father. It kills me, you know? Don`t get me wrong, I appreciate you all wanting to be uncles. I really do. Its just, when I imagined having kids I imagined having a husband to help take care of them."

"Your child may not have a father right now but it will be loved. So, so loved. You will never have to worry about that," Yutaka assured.

"My little brother is right," Toll spoke up. "This child will be so loved that it won`t care it doesn`t have a father."

"And you never know, one of us might have to step up," Imai teased gently. "So stop worrying. You and the baby will be fine."

I let out a watery laugh and repeatedly wiped at my eyes. "Thanks guys. I can`t even begin to explain how much you all mean to me."

"We love you," Yutaka murmured, pressing a quick kiss to cheek.

"And we always will," Imai added.