Knock Me Down

It had been two months since my encounter with my attacker. I did what he wanted and kept quiet, telling no one but the empty air when I knew nobody was around to hear me. I had gone to my mother’s grave later that week to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t will myself to say anything at all about it except that I was grateful that she raised me to be strong during hard times. I left her daisies, they were her favourite flowers, but didn’t stay long for fear of being alone outside for too long. That was the only time I left the house that week.

In the weeks that followed I barely left the house at all, and on the rare occasion that I worked up enough courage to leave, I got my driver to bring me where I needed to go. The driver I had my dad hire as the result of a tantrum I had thrown to get him to agree with me. He thought it was because I had become too spoiled over the years but didn’t want to deal with me anyway, even though the last tantrum I had thrown was when I was six and my mother was still alive. Nevertheless, I let him think my efforts were a result of rich-kid-syndrome because that was way better than the alternative.

Up until last week I had cried myself to sleep every night, the fear finding its way to me the most when it was dark. I refused to go out and had Steve, my driver, fetch me some string lights to see if those would help bring me some peace. Hating that I had become that person who treats their help like dogs, but too scared to do anything about it. Steve always smiled politely at me and asked me if I needed anything else, but I suspected that he had grown tired of me after the first day. After all, his job wasn’t to run my errands, it was to be my driver; but he did things for me anyway.

“Charles, I’m meant to be at school next year but I can’t bring myself to write anything down on the application.” I sighed, looking over at my golden retriever, his beautiful long hair freshly brushed. He blinked at me and cocked his head to the side, completely confused with what I was saying to him. I smiled a small smile and looked at the screen of my laptop that was sitting atop my desk. I had decided to take two years off from school to really think about what I wanted to do with my life before dedicating my time to something I could end up hating. My dad had disagreed with me stating that he was wealthy enough to pay for my education as many times as I needed him too. Of course he didn’t understand my point, but he wouldn’t. My grandfather Grant had picked his career path out for him the second he was born. He would take over the family estate and do everything my grandfather dedicated his life too. I’m still not sure what it is they do, but I have a feeling they want to keep it that way.

Liala called then, her delicate voice asking me sweetly if I would go out with her. I agreed, letting her know that Steve would be driving us wherever our hearts desired. She sighed into the phone and I could tell she was over getting driven around everywhere and wanted to drive her own vehicle now. I couldn’t do it though, I had become sexist since the incident, my mind wandering to scary places when I thought about the two of us girls out in the world alone.

“You know, it would be real nice if I could drive my own car now.” Liala shouted from the curb once we pulled up. I unlocked the door for her. “Hi Steve.” He gave a small smile and nodded in her direction in acknowledgment. Steve was not one for many words, which was part of the reason I liked him.

Steve pulled up to our favourite book store and let us out, the sound of our heals clicking against the pavement as we entered Chapters. Liala read a little bit for pleasure but it was mostly I who enjoyed coming here to run my fingers along the spines of all the books I have yet to read and take in the scent of all of the books as I flip through their pages.

“So tell me again why you won’t come out to Braydon’s party this weekend?” Liala asked, picking up a piece of stationary that the store always had for sale at the entrance. I browsed through some of it myself, instantly dazed by their intricate designs and beautiful colours.

“Because, Liala, I don’t like parties anymore.” I was stern when I spoke, hoping she would finally take the hint and stop trying to find ways to get me to agree to go to Braydon Maxwell’s stupid party. I couldn’t handle going to that house again and passing by that alleyway, but I couldn’t tell her why and that was the most frustrating thing of all.

“See that’s what I don’t understand. You keep saying that, but the last time you came out to a party you hooked up with Darren and said it was the best night of your life.” I rubbed my temples, trying to remember a time where being with somebody like Darren was the most exciting part of my life.

“I did not hookup with Darren. We just kissed. And I’m over it now.” She furrowed her brows confused with my change of heart. I glared at her, warning her to drop the subject with my eyes. She raised her hands in the air as a surrender and walked to a nearby bookshelf, abandoning the stationary. I walked in the opposite direction, heading over to the fantasy section to find stories of dark lords and whimsical creatures to take my mind off of the realities of the actual world I live in.

“Hey, Liala!” I shouted over to her, my eyes scanning over a book called, “The Gargoyle.” I carried it with me as I walked back over in her direction. She was engaged in a book of poems when I reached her, completely oblivious to the fact that I had called out to her. I nudged her softly and she looked up, suddenly irritated with me for pulling her out of her trance. She placed the book back on the shelf with the rest of the copies and turned her full attention toward me. “I’m sorry I’m always snapping at you. There’s just a lot going on in my head right now.”

“About your future? I know.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and squeezed, letting me feel safe with the knowledge that she would always be there for me even when I frustrated her. She wasn’t accurate with her information, but I let her believe she was, smiling up at her – her body a few inches taller than mine – and wrapping my arm around her waist. “Let’s pay for that and go get some coffee.” I nodded, letting go of her and backing up a bit so she could lead the way. I liked being able to see her, to know she was safe and still with me wherever I went.

Ooof! I yelped, startled by the sudden contact with the person that had been standing behind me looking at the bookshelf facing the opposite direction. “Sorry,” he mumbled before looking up. I was immediately drawn in to his piercing green eyes, the kind of eyes you know hold stories behind them.

“No, don’t apologize, it was I who bumped into you. I just don’t take well to being startled these days.” I searched his face for something familiar, something about him made me feel like I had met him before. I realized then that his face had gone a shade slightly lighter and he immediately averted his eyes when he realized I was staring at him for too long. I felt my cheeks flush with colour and stepped out of his direct path.

“No worries.” He managed to get out before I was completely out of ear shot. I turned my face slightly in his direction again and smiled politely before walking towards Liala, who had reached one bookshelf ahead of me before she realized I hadn’t been walking with her. When I reached her again she had a smirk on her face.

“Your beauty gave that poor guy a stroke.” She giggled, as we finally got in line. I rolled my eyes, laughing like I really believed he was just mesmerized by my beauty. I could admit I was pretty; my natural blonde hair falling in to perfect waves if I chose not to straighten it, and my blue eyes always brightest when directly under a light. I didn’t consider myself to be the prettiest, but my self-esteem appearance-wise had never wavered growing up. My mother used to tell me that my euclase crystal eyes held a beautiful life within them and that my beauty would bring the male species to their knees. I really doubted that, but my mother loved me and so she told me so.

“Let’s just pay before I let too much of that get to my head.” I mocked, turning back to take one more quick glance at the guy, curious to know why he seemed so familiar to me. He had already been staring at me and looked away quickly, not wanting me to have witnessed his actions. Maybe he did think I was pretty. I shrugged to myself, letting myself feel flattered for just a second, and walked up to the clerk, placing “The Gargoyle” on the counter in front of me.