Knock Me Down

I don’t know how I ended up here exactly except that one minute Liala was talking non-stop about how I needed to get out and the only way she would stop is if I promised to go to Chellos with her tonight. I felt scared, but once we got inside the fear subsided as I realized that there were tons of people out tonight and the likelihood of someone pulling a gun on me in here was slim to none. I looked around the dimly lit pub, the yellow walls splattered with random bits of black felt like they were closing in on me. I shook off the feeling and kept my head up, determined to let myself feel okay for once.

“You feeling it yet?” Liala spoke, turning her head slightly in my direction as she led the way to a booth at the back. I shook my head even though she was no longer paying attention. “Hi boys.” She cooed, as we reached the booth where Braydon and Matt were sitting. Braydon and I nodded to each other in recognition and Matt pat me on the back before gesturing for me to sit down beside him. I sat down, feeling safer squished between Matt and Liala now.

“How’s my girl been? I haven’t seen you out in eons.” Matt asked as he waved the bar tender down. “Two gin and tonics for these lovely ladies please.” I gave Matt a polite half-smile, flattered that he always remembered my drink, but sad because I wasn’t sure I wanted to drink gin and tonics at all anymore. It was what I was drinking that night before everything went down. It was Matt though, he had sparkling blue eyes you just couldn’t say no to.

“She’s been overwhelmed…” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. He nodded, not really understanding me, but also not mad either. “What about you? Are all the ladies in this town swooning over you still?” He raised his eyebrow at me, a smile dancing on his lips.

“A gentlemen never kisses and tells.” He winked. I shoved him playfully. “For real, I miss you, kid. Don’t be a stranger anymore.” I nodded, not being able to make any verbal promises at the moment.

“Yeah, I miss you too, Matt.” The bar tender came over with our drinks and I stirred mine contemplating whether or not to take a sip. Matt had moved on to whatever conversation Liala and Braydon had been having and so no one noticed my hesitation. It wasn’t that they would force me to drink, it was that they would ask why I was no longer drinking. That was a question I did not have the answer to. I took a sip. I felt okay. I took another.

“Dude, look who just walked in!” Braydon semi-shouted as he stared off in the direction of the door. A tall, beautiful, girl stood there, her burgundy locks flowing nicely over her shoulders and her slim black dress hugging all the right places. Even I was captivated by her and I didn’t cheer for that team.

“No, no, man. That’s Hunter’s girl!” Matt said, crossing his arms into an x quickly to warn him that this girl was off limits. I looked at Liala to ask who Hunter was but she was already shrugging her shoulders in confusion in my direction. I don’t know. I mouthed.

“Deanna and Hunter have been over for like two months, okay. He can’t have dibs forever. Besides, Hunter isn’t even my friend, he’s yours. I’ve met him maybe three times.” Matt rolled his eyes and made a sweeping motion with his arms signalling Braydon to go talk to her. He got up, giving us a wink, and walked over to her. She licked her bottom lip before biting it seductively after he greeted her and I laughed at how easy it was for someone like Braydon.

I looked around the bar, the musician was setting up for his midnight live shift near the front doors where the stage was. People were manoeuvering around him, barely paying him any mind. No one ever really appreciated the live music at pubs the way I did. At least that’s what I concluded in my self-absorbed bubble. Liala and Matt wanted out to grab another drink from the bar so I stood up and let them before sitting back down, my head swaying a little to the music playing through the speakers. I took another sip of my gin and tonic, noticing that in the short while I had been sitting there I had drunk the entire thing.

“Can I buy you another?” Somebody said sliding into the booth. I looked up from my drink to see a gorgeous red-headed male staring at me with wide hopeful eyes. In any other life time I probably would have said yes, but in this one I couldn’t muster up the courage to live life like a normal sexually active human being anymore. He took a sip of his beer and set it on the table before waving down a bar tender.

“Actually, I’m okay.” I said, raising my palm up to him to stop. He flicked his hand to send away whichever bar tender that had started to make their way over and smiled at me. I smiled back, trying to keep my eyes from popping out of my head in a what-the-hell-are-you-still-doing-here way. I nodded my head for no reason because I felt awkward. He nodded his too.

“I just wanted to let you know that you have very pretty eyes.” He stated, I nodded again. “Should I redo my entrance? I feel like I should have approached you differently.” He scratched his head genuinely confused. I laughed, shaking my head.

“I’m sorry, I’m just really not looking to meet anyone right now. Serious or casual.” I explained, hoping he would get up and leave.

“Ashton!” Somebody shouted in our direction. I looked up to see the guy from Chapters making his way over to our table. “I’m sorry if he’s bothering you.”

“He’s fine.” I said, swallowing, suddenly nervous. I couldn’t stop staring at his eyes; so green and so piercing. He shifted his gaze to his friend. “He’s not bothering me, just misread me perhaps, that’s all.” I got up from the table leaving them behind me. I knew I was behaving slightly rude, but I figured if I was no longer sitting at a table alone then maybe no one would continue to confront me.

The music playing through the speakers paused briefly and then suddenly everything was drowned out by the beautiful acoustics and lovely voice of the live musician. I walked up to the front, sitting down on a bar stool that was right next to one of the big speakers. I figured this way I could enjoy the music and avoid awkward conversation. I noticed Matt and Liala talking to a group of people they more than likely just met at the other side of the bar. They looked happy. All of them were laughing and conversing, there were slight touches on the arm from people who found someone attractive. It looked so normal. I wondered if I would ever feel those same things without that tinge of fear lingering now. I didn’t think it was possible.

I thought back to Braydon’s party before everything changed for me. Liala had just taken off with our friend Elle to take a shot, but I had stayed in the living room where Darren was. He was laughing at a joke I had made, something corny like ‘I’m a lion’ to you,’ his hand was gently touching my arm and I remembered feeling tingly underneath it. I was really happy that night. I figured life was short and kissed him first. It was a short kiss, but enough to tease him. He slid his hand down my arm until it was holding my own hand and guided me up the stairs. I was no stranger to this. I knew where it was going to lead and I could feel the excitement stirring up inside me. He brought me to a spare bedroom, closing the door immediately behind him and trailing kisses down my neck and unbuttoning the blue collared blouse I had been wearing. His hands explored me everywhere, under my bra, under my black laced underwear, the small of my back where he pulled me in closer to him. At some point during our steamy make out session I had remembered that I hadn’t left any food out for Charles and suddenly that was the only thing I could think of. I had to get home. I don’t remember what I said to Darren exactly, but I was pretty sure I told him we would finish this later before buttoning my blouse back up and leaving him in the dark room. I found my coat, it was July but the nights always seemed to cool down, my trench coat was the perfect fit for the weather, and left. I wished I hadn’t.

Now as I sat here thinking about Darren, I felt nothing. Not nothing in the I-don’t-care-about-him-anymore way, but legitimately nothing. I was empty. Darren was just a guy I had kissed, somebody I probably would have slept with eventually, maybe someone I would have dated, but now he was nothing. It was the first time I had felt this feeling, a revelation suddenly looming over me. I wasn’t sad anymore and I didn’t feel angry at the world anymore. I felt numb.

I walked over to Liala, telling her I was leaving despite her protests. I called Steve and told him I needed a ride even though it was midnight and he had clearly been sleeping. I stepped outside alone for the first time in two months and I felt nothing. I guess I wasn’t completely alone, but I was in a sense where I had no idea who anyone was.

I noticed Chapter’s boy standing at the corner outside the pub looking down at a smoke, his sandy brown hair covering half of his eyes. Without processing what I was doing, I walked over to him. “You gonna light that?” I asked, startling him. “My apologies.”

“Never apologise to me.” He looked up, meeting my gaze. This time he didn’t look away quickly, instead he looked at me for a long time. My feet shifted and I shoved my hands in my trench coat pocket. “I’ve never smoked before, well I’ve never smoked cigarettes before.” He looked down quickly and smiled before meeting my gaze again.

“So what makes you contemplate it now?” I was confused. It never bothered me that people smoked, but it often times frustrated me when I heard stories about how people started smoking in the first place. I shoved a piece of hair behind my ear and raised my eyebrow.

“Just lost, I guess.” I nodded, understanding.

“Me too. Maybe you should light it for the both of us.” I laughed, even though I knew it wasn’t funny. It was all I could do now.

“Maybe I should save us the lung cancer.” I smiled, my cheeks flushing as a gust of wind blew in my direction. Steve pulled up beside Chellos and I motioned for him to wait just a second.

“Fair enough. You know, I’ve read that lost is a lovely place to find yourself.*” I remembered he had been holding a book by Michael Faudet earlier and thought it was an appropriate time to quote him. He was one of my favourites.

“Touché.” He threw the cigarette on the ground and mashed it with his foot. “I guess that’s your ride?” I nodded, looking over at Steve who was waiting patiently inside the car.

“It is. I must get going now. It was nice to meet you…” I paused, not knowing his name.

“Hunter.” He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets.

“Ivy.” I responded, even though he hadn’t asked. “Have a good night.” I made my way over to Steve and opened the car door. I turned back. “Hunter?” I shouted, he looked over in my direction. “I’m sorry about Braydon.” He gave me a small smile even though I wasn’t sure if he knew yet what I was talking about. I wondered if that girl, Deanna, was why he felt so lost. Did he miss her? I wished my problems were that simple. I waved and got in the car, saying nothing else the entire way home.