She Screams in Silence

Kiss It Goodbye Until Death Do We Part

“I don’t want you seeing that boy again. Is that understood?” Rachel cried.

“What? Why?!”

“Well, first off, he’s poor and––”

“Poor? Poor?! You don’t want me to associate with him because he’s poor?!”

“He’s of a lower class than you are! He could never give you the life that you deserve.”

“Mom, what the hell?! I’m not marrying the guy! He’s my friend! And incidentally, how dare you judge him for how much money his family has!”

“That’s hardly the only issue, Felicity!” Richard interjected. “The way he behaves and how he looks...why, it’s clear that he’s...”

“Clear that he’s what?”

“He’s...he’s a long-haired dope-addict!”

“Are you insane?!” Felicity stared at him. “The both of you! What is wrong with you?!”

Rather than answer her, Richard strode back into the dining room, Rachel at his heels. He grasped Billie by the arm, hauling him up out of his seat and starting to head towards the foyer.

“Jesus!” Billie ripped from his grasp. “If you would like for me to go somewhere, just ask!”

“I want you to get out,” Richard spat, purposefully marching towards the door and yanking it open. “Get out of my house.”

“Whatever,” Billie threw up his hands, stepping out onto the porch, regarding Richard with disgust.

“Billie! No! Stop!” Felicity rushed forward, following him outside and grabbing his arm.

“Rachel, get her back in the house!” Richard clamped down on his daughter’s wrist, pulling her from Billie and in the direction of her mother.

“Come on, dear, inside,” Rachel tried to herd her in.

“No!” Felicity stepped away. “Dad, you can’t do this! You can’t throw him out like this!”

Richard ignored her, instead leering in Billie’s face, “I don’t want you to see my daughter again. I don’t want you anywhere near her.”

Billie stared him down. “No, you wouldn’t,” he shook his head, his voice quiet. “Because you’re too wrapped up in your arrogant narrow-minded view of things to bother not looking down on other people that don’t fit in your socioeconomic class or box of what you find acceptable or whatever it is you judge people with. You are a condescending bigot who can’t see you’re making your daughter miserable. Or maybe you just don’t care because your head is too far up your own ass.”

Richard stepped towards him in what he found to be a menacing fashion, growling darkly, “Get out of here before I call the authorities on you, you little punk.”

Billie shook his head, taking a step backwards towards his car. “You got it, buddy. You’re not worth the time.”

“Dad, please, stop!” Felicity grabbed her father’s arm, pleading with him.

“Felicity, get back in the house!” he shook her off, pushing her away.

She stared hopelessly at Billie, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t let him leave like this. He looked back at her for a few moments, his expression unreadable. She choked back tears. She couldn’t do one damn thing. This had gone to absolute hell and she was completely powerless.

“I’m sorry,” Billie mouthed at her before turning to his car and opening the door.

She hung her head in shame. She was the one who was sorry. This was all her fault. She had let it all happen. She turned to look at her father at the sound of Billie’s car speeding away in the night. Her voice dropping down to a whisper, she spoke, “You are a jackass.”

“What did you just say to your father?!” Rachel gasped, grabbing her wrist.

“The both of you!” Felicity choked. “What you did was absolutely disgusting! He is my friend! My friend! The first friend I have had in years! You were already determined to hate him and you treated him like garbage! You didn’t even have the decency to even fake being polite! No, you went out of your way to criticize and belittle him just because he didn’t meet your damn standards! I’m sorry if he isn’t some stupid pompous Harvard graduate with a summer home in the fucking Hamptons, but he did not deserve to have the two of you not even give him the courtesy of treating him like a human being! You make me sick, the both of you!”

Fury contorting her features, Rachel let the mask of the perfect wealthy “well-bred” woman drop as she brought her hand back and slapped her daughter across the face. Felicity’s head snapped to the side, her eyes wide, feeling all the blood in her face rushing to that stinging blotch. She put her hand against it, only to draw it away and stare at the small amount of blood that had smeared across the tips of her index and middle fingers from where Rachel’s rings had cut into her skin––in particular that wicked looking six-prong solitaire diamond that had gotten twisted around her finger. She looked up at her mother in shock, Rachel’s expression identical. For what seemed like an eternity, no one spoke––they simply locked gazes, the both of them wearing duplicate looks of astonishment.

“I...I’m sorry, Felicity. I never meant to strike you, but...” Rachel blinked, finding her voice and searching her mind for how to salvage the situation. “I am sorry, my dear. Truly, I am. We’ll never think about it again. Never. Never mention it. It will be as though this entire night never even occurred.”

“What about Billie?” Felicity whispered.

“I thought your father and I made ourselves perfectly clear. You are never to see him again. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing about this night will we ever speak of or think about. Is that understood?”

Felicity paused. All her life, she had never come to blows with her parents (metaphorical or otherwise). All her life she would have just nodded and accepted their word as irrevocable law. But now...now, she didn’t think she could forget Billie and act as though he had never come into her life.

“No,” she said almost inaudibly.

“What?” Richard demanded.

“No. I can’t do that,” she shook her head. “I can’t cut him out of my life. Not like that. He is my friend and I love being around him and he hasn’t done anything wrong. Not only does he not deserve that, I don’t want to forget about him.”

“What do you mean you don’t ‘want’ to do that? Since when should that alter our decisions? And as far as doing nothing wrong, he was terribly rude! He insulted us!” Richard cried.

“Only after you spent the entire evening insulting him. Every single word he said was true and it was nothing less than the two of you deserved.”

Richard and Rachel gaped at her in horror. Rachel brought her hands up, looking as though she couldn’t decide what to do with them. She appeared to be contemplating slapping her daughter again, but faltered, her hand mid-air.

“What? Are you going to slap me again and then tell me to forget about it? To pretend it never happened?” Felicity asked quietly, seeing her struggle.

“Felicity!”

“I don’t understand either of you! You can’t go through life like this, erasing the parts you didn’t like and pretending they never existed! That’s not the way it works!”

“Has he done this to you?” Rachel whispered. “Has he changed you like this? You are a good, sweet girl, Felicity, and I cannot believe that you are standing here, saying these awful things and––”

“And what? Thinking for myself? Speaking up for myself or other people I care about? There’s nothing wrong with that, much as the two of you may believe otherwise.”

“Care about?” Richard scoffed. “And you think that boy cares about you? You think he has your best interests at heart like your mother and I? You don’t think he has another corrupt agenda, some sort of ulterior motive for being around you? Don’t be a fool, Felicity.”

“He does care about me,” she said softly.

“You are being naive if you really think that. That little punk doesn’t care about you. You’re a well-to-do, innocent, relatively attractive young girl. Trust me, there’s only one thing that boy wants from you. You’re being stupid if you even think for a moment he had anything else on his mind.”

“Am I? Because God forbid anyone ever value me for anything else! No, no, there’s no way he could see anything remotely likeable about me! Not my mind, not my personality, not one single quality I have is anything worth bothering with!”

“There’s nothing about you he would bother with besides trying to get you into his bed. Believe me, Felicity,” Richard shook his head, “you don’t have any other traits he finds at all appealing or worth wasting his time with you for.”

Richard’s words cut at her far more than her mother’s slap ever could. They hurt worse. Had he physically kicked her in the stomach, it wouldn’t have caused half the pain than what he had said. He and Rachel had spent their entire lives since Felicity’s birth grooming her into a model of perfection, but when it came down to it, they saw nothing about her extraordinary or valuable. Nothing. She had nothing and could do nothing that put her in any special place with them. She had a body like every other girl, and for Billie, being like every other guy, it was the only thing he could possibly want. No one would ever see her for anything else. She had nothing outstanding about her. Not one damn thing.

In Rachel and Richard’s eyes, she was practically worthless. A doll is lovely to look at and to play with, but in the end, the greatest thing it can do is to sit silently and smile. It is for appearances only; it has no other function.

She was a worthless doll to them, and they would pound it into her that she was just as worthless to everyone else.

“Whatever you say,” she muttered, staring at her shoes. She pushed past them, walking around the side of the house to the little porch swing in their backyard––being that there was no fence. Amazingly, they didn’t follow her and order her back in, mostly likely because she at least sounded as though she had returned to being docile and obedient.

Felicity drove the balls of her feet into the ground, pushing off and rocking the swing back and forth, sending up small puffs of dust. She didn’t look up at the sound of the front door closing and her parents returning inside, probably to celebrate their triumph at having disposed of the unpleasing element that was Billie and Felicity not arguing with them any further. Or to go inside and clear the plates away, acting as though they had just had a quiet family dinner, just the three of them, and Billie had never intruded upon their perfect little lives.

Their perfect little lies.

Felicity sat out on the swing for the better part of an hour, moodily pushing it back and forth with her feet, listening to the creak of the hinges and the low whoosh sound it made as it rocked. Maybe she could just rock herself into oblivion. It had grown even darker, made everything hazy. She wished for silence, but that was ridiculous––not with the endless stop and go of passing cars in the neighborhood, the usual sounds of voices and televisions coming from the interiors of the homes around her, chirping crickets, and of course, the swing itself.

Suddenly Felicity could hear the crunch of footsteps crossing over her lawn. She didn’t even bother to glance up, assuming it was one of her parents to tell her to come inside and get ready for bed.

“Hey,” the owner of the footsteps spoke up.

Felicity started abruptly, digging her shoes into the ground and bringing the swing to a somewhat screeching halt, gaping up at them. It wasn’t Rachel or Richard.

It was Billie.

“What...what are you doing here?” Felicity’s voice shot up as she stared at him unbelievingly.

He shrugged. “I, uh, didn’t exactly leave. I mean, I started to, but then...well, I turned around. And I’ve been sort of circling around the blocks here, feeling vaguely stalker-ish, but I just couldn’t...go like that, you know? And...and I kind of hoped that maybe you’d be out here...which, um, you are. Because, erm, I wanted to...um...I just...I couldn’t leave it like that,” he finished, looking awkward.

Felicity only nodded. She didn’t know what to say.

“Can I, uh, sit down? I was sort of waiting for you to invite me to, but maybe you’re wanting me to go very far away right now and I shouldn’t––”

“What? No, no! Don’t! I mean, I’m sorry! I don’t want you to go. Sit,” she offered, scooting over to one side of the bench to make room for him. He gave her a quick smile before crossing over and sinking down next to her, his leg and his arm brushing up against her, as the swing was only meant for two...two people being very cozy.

“Look, Felicity,” Billie started, “I just want to apologize. I’m really, really sorry. I mean it. I meant to be so good, and I just fucked things up. I never should have said what I did. Really. I’m so sorry I said that to your dad. I just let something in me snap and I...” He shook his head. “No, I’m not going to make excuses here. I’m just sorry. I fucked up. I was an asshole. I never should have––”

“Billie, stop,” she cut him off, looking at him. “Please, don’t tell me you’re sorry again. Please don’t. Because...because...” she faltered, “you were completely in your right for everything you said. Every word of it was true and––”

“But that doesn’t mean I should have said it!”

“No,” she shook her head, “no, you’re wrong. I can’t even begin to tell you what it was like for someone, anyone to finally say that. To stand up to them when I never could because I’m such a goddamn coward! Everything that I ever longed to say and couldn’t, you did! After what they did to you, if you hadn’t gone and said what you did, I don’t think...I mean...Billie, I really admired you for what you said tonight. Honestly.”

Billie grinned at her. “You serious?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

“So...what happened after I left?”

She almost laughed in spite of herself. “I told my dad he was a jackass and my mom slapped me across the face.”

“She what?!” Billie exploded.

“She wears a lot of rings, that woman does,” Felicity brushed across the small cut on her face.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, staring in horror as he took her chin, tilting her head and studying the mark. “Oh my God, I––”

“Don’t,” she shook her head, pulling away. “Don’t worry about it.”

“But––”

“They’ve never slapped me before.”

“That doesn’t make it okay!”

“No, it’s not okay. But it isn’t exactly a case of domestic abuse either, now is it?”

“But Felicity––”

She looked up at him. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Please.”

He closed his eyes, sighing in exasperation. The both of them fell silent for several minutes, staring off ahead into the darkness and every once in awhile glancing at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

“My parents don’t want me to see you anymore,” she spoke up after a bit.

“I gathered that much.” He studied her. “So...?”

“So?” she twirled her hand. “What are you asking?”

“Well, are you...I mean...if they don’t want you to see me, are you going to...” he trailed off.

“What? Listen to them? That wasn’t my first choice.”

“But is it what you’re going to choose?”

“That depends,” she shrugged.

“On what?”

“On you.”

“On me? What are you talking about?” he shook his head.

“Well, I mean, seeing me when they’ve gone schizo and forbidden it and...well, I mean, sneaking around just to, I don’t know, take me to a game or out to lunch is just...” she fumbled, “...it’s just a lot of shit to deal with, you know?”

“What’s your point? What are you getting at?”

“I’m saying I would understand if you didn’t want to see me...to keep being friends and everything.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “How’s that, exactly?”

She sighed. “Look, I understand if you don’t want to bother. I know, this is just really awful and you shouldn’t have to put it up with it, and I doubt you want to. I mean, of course you don’t. You wouldn’t. I understand. I know. Don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m not worth the fuss and I know that––”

“Felicity,” he cut her off, “stop. You’re wrong. You are worth it.”

Felicity stared at him, wide-eyed. “What?” she whispered.

He gave her a bit of a crooked smile, nodding, “You are worth it.”

She gaped. He really meant it. He really did think it. And it wasn’t for what she could be or what she could fix about herself. It was for who she was. Good and bad. He liked her for herself. He wanted to spend time with her and wanted her to be who she was.

That’s all.

Without hardly realizing it, Felicity leaned forward, bringing her lips against his. She kissed him softly, not able to think at all, as her mind had decided to temporarily shut down once she had brought her lips in contact with his. He seemed a bit surprised, for it took him a few moments before he reacted, but suddenly he was kissing her back. It wasn’t anything terribly fierce or drawn out, but in the space of that one kiss, time seemed to have frozen. For Felicity, there was nothing else on the entire planet––only Billie’s lips on hers.

When they broke away, Felicity felt reality slam back down around her as he regarded her with raised eyebrows, looking mildly floored at what she had just done.

Oh dear God in heaven, what the fuck did I just do?!

She felt the blood drain out of her face. What had possessed her to do that?! Had she just gone and destroyed their friendship by allowing one stupid little hormone-driven impulse to take control?! He wasn’t saying anything. She cringed inwardly. What had she done?!

“Oh...oh my God! I’m so sorry! I don’t know what came over me!” Felicity cried in mortification. “I don’t know why I did that! I’m really, really sorry! I didn’t think! I––”

Before she could continue in her ramblings, Billie cut her off, his lips meeting hers once more. She gave a bit of a startled cry in his mouth, for this was nothing like the soft kiss they had just shared. Not only was it the reaction she was least expecting, but it was...suddenly intense. His hand slid up her arm, over her shoulder and up across her jaw, going to run his fingers through her hair. Automatically, her arms went around his neck, pulling him closer as he explored her mouth, sending an insane electric shot careening through her system. He was kissing her passionately and she was losing herself in it. Even as he ran his tongue across her bottom lip, she involuntarily parted her lips, letting him go in and french her, sending her mind spinning into orbit. Every single odd tension filled moment they had shared seemed to have compiled and released their energy into this one kiss, like a violent inexpressible jolt.

When they finally came up for air, Billie closed his eyes, his forehead leaning against hers and his breath hot against her lips, “I think if I had gone any longer without doing that, I just might have killed somebody.”

“Why didn’t you before?” she whispered.

He gave a light smile, murmuring back against her mouth, “It took me awhile to realize it...and I didn’t think you’d let me, anyway.”

“You were mistaken,” she breathed before leaning in and bringing their mouths in contact once more.

“So, wait,” Billie broke away for a moment, “you really called your dad a jackass?”

“Among other things,” she smiled. “Now just shut up and kiss me again.”

“Won’t argue with that,” Billie murmured, the words partially lost as he had claimed her lips with his again.

“Felicity, are you still out there?” Rachel’s voice cut into the night about five minutes later. “Come inside! It’s cold!”

Felicity broke away from Billie, her breath ragged and her face flushed with color. The last thing she would have described feeling was “cold.” Billie was breathing hard as well, his bright green eyes looking almost glazed. “I...I should probably go in,” she whispered.

“Uh-huh.”

She forced herself to stand, beginning to walk towards the back door. Billie rose as well, though making to walk in the other direction.

“Billie,” she paused, turning to him. She struggled for what to say next, but nothing came. Rather, she just kept staring at him, lifting her hands up in a confused shrug.

He took a step towards her. “Hey, look, this is...I mean, we’re...the only thing I can...what happened was...” He hesitated, before shaking his head, “Fuck it.” Before Felicity could ask what he meant, he crossed over to her, catching her up in his arms and kissing her again, Felicity gripping onto his shoulders to keep her knees from buckling.

Eventually, they parted ways, absolutely nothing said on where they now stood. But somehow, that kiss said far more than any words could.