She Screams in Silence

“What?” Felicity’s face drained of color. “What do you mean?”

Her mother smiled almost beatifically, “Now, dear, surely you understand what I’m getting at. I hold your future in my hands. Everything you’ve worked for.” She waved the pages above Felicity’s head like dangling a carrot––there, in just a few sheets of paper, encompassed all the effort and hours she had slaved for. There were two goals in mind in all these years she had striven for perfection––winning her parents’ love and college––what she loved and wanted more than anything. “You can have all you’ve ever wanted,” Rachel continued, “right here. Your chance at accomplishing something with your life. Goodness knows the little you’d be able to do with a high school diploma alone. Your dreams of your university education right,” she waved the papers again, “here.”

“I don’t understand,” Felicity shook her head. “Then let me have them, please.”

Rachel held them just a few inches higher, still out her grasp. “Your father and I have been holding these letters for some time now. We have left you with one week before the deadline for sending in your Statement of Intent to Register. Which then, if you send one of them in today, should give you just enough time to get it in. And I’ll let you do so if you make a promise to your father and me. Never see that boy of yours again.”

“What? What are you talking about?! You can’t do that!”

Richard shrugged, smiling, “We do this in your best interest, Felicity. Now, you’ve got a little sense in that head of yours, so this shouldn’t be a difficult decision at all. College or that lowlife.”

“If you continue to see him, we won’t pay for school. Not a dime,” Rachel shook her head. “And you won’t be able to go if we don’t pay. You’ve got some scholarships, but they won’t pay your way, not even by half. Understand?”

“You’re...blackmailing me?”

“Don’t put it in such dreadful terms, dear,” Richard said. “As I said, we’re acting in your best interests. We want you to reach your full potential.”

Rachel smiled, “Your little boyfriend or your education and your future? What will it be, Felicity?”

“How can you say you won’t...I...” Felicity found herself almost at a loss for words. Shaking her head, she cried, “I don’t understand! Why are you doing this? I’d see your point if my grades were suffering, but they’re not! If anything, I’m doing better! I’ve got a 4.0! More than that with my AP courses, actually!”

“You consider dropping classes to be evidence of upstanding academic performance?” Rachel smiled.

“They were two classes I didn’t need! It’s not as though I don’t have any college credits––I’ve got over a semester’s worth even without the classes I dropped!”

“Don’t forget your double-majoring, dear,” Richard reminded her. “You’ll have a great deal of work ahead of you and you’ve only set yourself back. Besides, with as much as you’ll have on your plate, you won’t have time to see that delinquent of yours.”

“No! If I end up double-majoring it will be because I want to! And I’ll major in what I want to! This is my life! I’m the one who’s going to live it! Not you!”

“A life you won’t have unless we foot the bill,” Rachel replied smoothly. “Our money, our rules. You are in no position to make demands on us. It is your education, yes, but we are the ones financing it. You know our terms.”

“You can’t send me to college with a caveat!”

“Don’t be ungrateful. We want to see our money is being put to good use. That surely must make sense to you, Felicity,” Richard responded.

Felicity felt tears welling in her eyes. “I don’t understand either one of you! If my grades were failing, if I was into drugs, if I was getting hammered every night, this would make sense to me, but I have done everything you have ever wanted, save to see Billie! What is he hurting? He hasn’t turned me into a crackwhore! He hasn’t made me fail my classes! Worrying about how you look to a couple of your friends is no reason to dictate my life and threaten to keep me out of college! I have done everything! Everything!” She was almost screaming, those welling tears now streaming down her face. “Everything you have ever asked for, I have done without question! For eighteen years! Everything but him! Why isn’t that good enough for you?!”

“Oh, stop playing the long-suffering little martyr,” Rachel waved her hand in disgust. “You are beholden to us for everything you claim to have done so well! We put all your opportunities right in your lap! You have done nothing we haven’t practically given to you!”

“No! That’s not the way it works! You could give me every opportunity in the world, but that doesn’t mean I succeed at them without doing the work myself! Not to mention you’ve forced half of those opportunities on me that I never would have wanted on my own! And I did them anyway! I did them because that’s what you wanted! I did them to make you happy! I took those horrible ballet lessons all those years even though you knew how I much hated them! You told me to stay thin and I lived on salad! You wanted me to play piano, to sing, so I sat there and performed for you! You wanted me to speak French since I started school, so I learned! You wanted me to be perfect in school on top of it all, so I barely slept for years so I could study to keep my grades up! You wanted me to have only the friends you approved of, so I had no friends at all! All of this, I’ve done because I want to make you proud of me, to be happy with me, to love me, for God’s sakes! But it’s never enough!”

Richard shrugged. “And you wouldn’t have done any of it if it weren’t for us. If we didn’t push you, you would sit on your duff and be a useless, worthless good-for-nothing.”

“No! I have done these things! You can’t take the credit for it!”

“And all this you expect us to be so proud of? You’ve met our expectations; you haven’t surpassed them. And you certainly have given us nothing to be so very proud of since you picked up that...vagrant!” Rachel crossed her arms over herself. “Are you willing to throw that all away on him? Throw away school?”

Felicity collapsed on the couch, feeling like her legs weren’t going to support her anymore. There was a dreadful emptiness in her chest, making her half-sick. All those years of bending over backwards, acting like a lapdog hoping for a pat on the head amounted to not enough. It wasn’t enough; it would never be enough. And that feeling was positively wretched, gnawing at her, crushing her down to nothing. She had done it all for what? College, happiness, Rachel and Richard to love her––would she ever have any of it?

The voice that had been so desperately screaming at them dropped to a stricken whisper as Felicity asked, “So what happens to me? If I give up Billie, will it be enough for you, then? No, there’ll be something else. There will always be something else to give up for the rest of my life! I give him up for school, I give up my interests to earn the degree you want, I give up my life for the job you dictate for me to have, I give up love to marry someone who meets your standards, and I end up making my children just as miserable as you’ve made me! And it still, still won’t be enough for you, will it? And if that’s all I’m doing, then what’s the fucking point?”

“Language, dear,” Richard murmured, looking almost bored. “If you’re quite through making your little speeches, it still comes down to the fact that you want to go to college. And you know there’s only one way there.”

She shook her head, looking at him sadly, “I really don’t understand. If you didn’t want to pay for school because I was seeing Billie, fine. But then why didn’t you tell me this months before? If you didn’t want to pay, I could have applied for grants! I could have pulled out enough loans in time to pay my own way! I could have done it on my own! Why didn’t you tell me this sooner? Why did you feel it necessary to destroy any chance of me going if I didn’t do things exactly the way you wanted?”

“You know the answer to that. We want what’s best for you, Felicity,” Rachel smiled lightly.

“Alors, ma fille? Tu as pris une décision?” Richard asked her pleasantly.

Rather than answer, Felicity rose from her seat, walking towards the door to the hall. She turned back and spat, “Faites taire avec le français foutu! Vous me rendez un service et foutez le camp!”

“Felicity!”

She stared them both down, “Looks like I learned the bad words, too.” She turned back and stalked up the stairs. Once in the privacy of her own room, she buried her face in one of her pillows and screamed, which halfway through become desperate choking sobs.

Some time later, Felicity sat up, hiccoughing. This was doing her little good. She didn’t have to let everything fall to pieces. If she could pull herself together, certainly she could sort through this mess. They were unflinching in their quest to see she followed the precepts to achieve the life that had been set out for her, but there must be some sort of compromise? What could she give them––or pretend to give––to make them bend, even if only a little? She knew Billie was the final and most blatant nail in the coffin, but she was hardly about to end things with him. But if she didn’t...

But surely she could keep seeing Billie without their knowledge. She had been more or less doing so for the past six months. Yes, that’s what she would do. She would go downstairs and lie, tell them what they wanted to hear, tell them she would break up with him. She could attend a California university, seemingly giving in to her parents’ demands without them knowing she was still with him. Everything would work itself out.

Steeling herself to meet them once more, Felicity wiped her eyes and walked to the door. But as she opened it, she found her parents standing before her, her father holding her letters.

“Just coming to speak with you. We had hoped to find you had tolerably composed yourself after that little display,” Richard said.

“Yes,” Felicity nodded, her voice hollow. “I want to talk to you, too.”

Her parents breezed into the room, Felicity reseating herself on the bed as her mother took the chair by her desk, and her father stood before her, holding out the stack of papers. “We wanted you to really consider these, dear,” he explained as she took them. “Before you go making any hasty decisions, please do us the courtesy of seeing your other options. I have the forms to send in to whichever school you accept down in my office.”

Felicity bit her lip, thumbing through the stack. She had done it. Nearly all the schools she had applied to had accepted her. But looking through them, something suddenly seemed amiss.

She frowned as she paged through the letters, “I...I didn’t get into Stanford or Berkeley? Or any of the colleges down in southern California?”

“No, you did,” Richard nodded.

“Then...where are they?”

“Oh, you won’t be going there. We took care of that already.”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I––”

Richard smiled, cutting her off, “Don’t think us so stupid, Felicity. You actually believe your mother and I would give you an opportunity to keep seeing that boy on the sly?”

“You...you...” she spluttered, hardly able to believe what she was hearing.

“And I recommend you make a decision soon. Your mother and I need to start talking with real estate agents. We’ll keep our home, of course, but we’ll be buying a place for the three of us to live wherever you choose to go. We won’t be suffering a repeat of this whole mess.”

“But...you can’t do this! I’m eighteen years old and legally I am––”

“But you are financially dependent on us. Never forget that.”

Felicity faltered as she gazed at the pages that represented what she had worked so hard to achieve, what she wanted so very badly. How could she not jump at the chance? But on the same token, how could she jump into their threatened chains?

Was it worth it? And yet, how could she give it all up?

Taking all the strength she had, she turned away from that stack of letters she had wanted so desperately. “Well, fine, I won’t go. I’ll just keep going to Vista and I’ll get a job to pay for it myself. Then, when I have enough units to transfer, I can apply for loans and grants. You don’t have to even worry about it.”

“Not if you want to continue living under this roof,” Rachel raised her eyebrows.

“...What?”

“You don’t seem to be understanding what it means to be cut off, my dear,” her mother continued smoothly. “Should you choose against our terms, we shall not pay for you. You said so yourself––you are eighteen years old and legally an adult. We are not bound to pay for anything of yours anymore.”

“But I’m your child! I’m not some eighteen year legal obligation!”

“Of course not. And haven’t we always given you the best? Haven’t we given you more than most children could ever hope of receiving? Aren’t we giving you the opportunity to continue to live with what in any respect would be considered overwhelming generosity?” Richard asked.

“It’s more than just the money,” Felicity shook her head. “It’s––”

“It isn’t,” Rachel interrupted her. “Everyone has their price. What’s yours?”

“My...price?” Felicity echoed. “You can’t just buy me off! Look, that’s what I was coming to say! I won’t see Billie anymore, but at least let me go to school on my terms! You don’t have to throw me out! I said you wouldn’t have to pay! I’ll give you rent, if that’s what it takes!”

Richard shook his head, “No, Felicity. We will not be made fools of any longer.”

“I said I wouldn’t see him! How can I possibly still make you look bad? Why is that all you care about?!”

“Because, my dear,” her father smiled lightly, “you and I both know you are lying. And even if you weren’t, exactly how do you expect your mother and I to hold up our heads when our daughter has scorned some of the finest universities in the country for...community college? Don’t be ridiculous. If we didn’t keep a handle on you, Lord knows how you would embarrass us further! Do you honestly think we would send you to Harvard to major in some silly basket-weaving courses? If it were not for your mother and me, your grades would slip, you would drop out or be thrown out and run off with another hoodlum, you wouldn’t try. You have shown us that you cannot be trusted to manage your own affairs.”

“That’s it, then? It’s all because you don’t want to look bad in front of some pretentious imbecile with their head wedged up their own ass?”

“Must you be so vulgar?” Rachel wrinkled her nose. “Your vocabulary has been absolutely appalling with all these profanities.”

“I am not your showpiece.”

“You are a reflection on us. The opportunities we give you come with a price, my dear,” Rachel replied. “You want them and it’s only natural you behave a certain way. It’s a reciprocal arrangement, you might say.”

Felicity felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. She hadn’t been contradicted. She was their showpiece. A fucking showpiece. No more.

“Now that we’re clear,” Richard said, pulling his checkbook from his jacket, “any ideas as to what institution I might make a check out to?”

Sick with disgust, Felicity looked at them and said flatly, “Keep your goddamn money.”

“And college? Isn’t that what you want?” Richard prodded.

“Not like that, I don’t,” she whispered.

“You won’t have anything if you do this––no decent job, no money, no home, no family, and I can guarantee that boyfriend will only hang around so long,” said Rachel.

Felicity stared down at the ground before bringing her gaze up to them. Her voice still quiet, she answered, “No, that’s not true. I’ll have my pride––I’ll have at least one shred of self-respect. I’ll be able to face myself.”

“You won’t feel so high-and-mighty when you’re almost penniless! When you see you’ll never get any higher than a job at some fast-food joint! When that boyfriend dumps you and you’re all alone! Be reasonable, Felicity––take the money. It’s the only intelligent thing you can possibly do,” her mother replied. A look of genuine pain briefly crossed her mother’s face. It was the first time in years that, outside of flickers of fury, her real emotions were so nakedly on display. But just as quickly, that look of misery that may have made Felicity waver in her resolve had it remained, was subsumed by her smooth, nonchalant mask where the most powerful expression was mere annoyance. Extreme annoyance perhaps, but no more––no more than the look she had worn when she had slapped her daughter.

Felicity shook her head, her voice deadly low, “Take your money and shove it.”

“Don’t be a fool, Felicity! Don’t throw everything away!” Richard cried, letting his own calm exterior fall for a moment before resuming his careless poker face that looked with disdain upon the world.

Somewhere in her parents those barefaced emotions existed, but Felicity would be damned to spend the rest of her life like them, smothering any real feeling, smothering herself. “If that’s everything,” she paused, “then I don’t want it.”

“You realize what you’re doing?” Richard asked her, trying to call her bluff. “Do you realize you will be out of this house? Today?”

Her face expressionless, Felicity turned for her closet and pulled a suitcase from it. She wasn’t folding.

“We won’t help you out when you try to come back. You understand that?” Rachel tried.

“You’ve made that very clear. But I’m not coming back.”

Richard sneered, “You are an idiot to do this.”

Felicity held her ground. “I might be.” She paused. “But I just pray to God I’m never as miserable a human being as the two of you.”

An hour later, with no more than some spare cash and any cartable expensive possession she could pawn, Felicity walked across the foyer, her bag in hand. This could be the worst, most regrettable mistake of her life; it could have killed her to stay. No matter now. Holding her head high and without another backward glance, she stepped across the threshold of the front door and shut it behind her.