She Screams in Silence

Back in a particular apartment, Billie Joe was feeling rather proud of himself for ending his packing procrastination, now haphazardly throwing clothing and belongings in a duffel bag and placing his guitar in its case. But as he carried the latter through the living room to join Tre’s drum set, a knock came at the door. He crossed over to it, pulling the handle to reveal a slightly pale but resolute Felicity.

“Hey, you’re back!” Billie grinned widely. But his smile quickly vanished as a look of confusion took its place, “Um, what’s with the suitcase?”

Rather than answer, Felicity flung herself in his arms, kissing him hard on the mouth.

“Did you miss me?” came the facetious query when she pulled back.

“I want to––”

“Always!” Billie cut her off, jumping to a very friendly conclusion. “Oh, but, uh, Mike and Tre are just down the hall. I think they’d get a little pissed if I asked them to clear out since they’re sort of busy packing, but...oh, fuck it, they’ll get over it. Give me just a minute to get them out of here and then we can––”

“No, that isn’t what I was saying.”

Billie’s face fell. “Are you sure? Because, really, I can get them to leave and...” His gaze fell once again to her suitcase, “So you didn’t say why you have that. Did you think we needed spare luggage? I think we’re all right.”

“It’s not for you. It’s for me.”

He blinked. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I’m coming with you.”

“What?” he asked, convinced he hadn’t heard correctly.

“I’m coming with you,” she repeated. “If you’ll have me, that is.”

“What are you talking about? You can’t come on tour! You said so yourself that school’s going to start before we get back.”

“I know.”

“You’re going to ditch the first month of classes?” he raised an eyebrow. “Now there’s a grand plan in starting the university career.”

“I’m not. I’m going to be with you. That’s what really matters to me.”

“And your parents like this idea?”

“No,” she swallowed. “They said...they said they wouldn’t pay for school unless I broke up with you. And I can’t pay for it myself. So...” she shrugged, “here I am.”

“But what about college? That’s what you want more than anything!”

“No,” she shook her head. “You’re more important. You’re what I want.”

“Are you crazy?” he stared at her. “That’s your dream. I can’t keep you from that. You know how much you’d regret it if you didn’t go.”

“But what about you? Would I regret losing you any less?!”

“Come on, I’d be an asshole if I kept you from what you’ve wanted for so long. I mean, you wouldn’t keep me from my band and everything. Why would you let me turn around and do that to you with school?”

“I already made up my mind! You’re not doing anything! It was my decision and I made it!”

“I don’t understand. Why would you...” he shook his head, looking at her like she had gone insane.

“This. This is what’s important to me,” Felicity said. “You. Forget the rest.”

He stared at her like she had just hit him. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t put me in this position. This isn’t fair to either of us. Do not put me up so high that...” he trailed off. Billie closed his eyes, starting, “Felicity, I am not worth...” He paused. Looking up at her, he said flatly, “You’re going to realize at some point that I’m not smart enough for you.”

Felicity stared at him. “Don’t you dare ever say that again. Don’t you ever think me so shallow that I’d judge you based on what school you went to or how long you went there or...Billie, none of it matters!”

He looked down at the ground, shaking his head, “Go to...law school or something. Maybe you should try to find someone like you...who’s smart and has got some money and a job and...”

“And what? Get married and have 2.5 children and a dog? Do what I’m supposed to? Trap myself in fucking suburbia hell for the rest of my life just because someone told me it was the better choice?!”

“You could be poor with me.”

“I don’t give a damn about the money.”

“Felicity, I won’t let you do this.”

“Don’t you want me?”

He met her bewildered gaze, shaking his head, “Not like this.”

She felt her heart drop. “I could leave anyway,” she whispered.

He only rolled his eyes, “Don’t be so dramatic. Look, go home, straighten things out with your parents, go to school. End of story. This isn’t hard.”

“I’m not joking! I’m not going back there! Take me with you! Please!”

“Felicity, stop this. I’m going, you’re not going with. I’m not going to let you be stupid––which is what you’re doing right now. Goodbye,” he sighed, turning to lug his guitar case to the sofa and checking the latches were all securely shut.

“You’re just leaving? You know I’m not going to go back home and you don’t care or you don’t believe me?”

“Yeah, whatever,” he scoffed. “Sure, you’re not going back.” Raising his eyes to the ceiling, he sighed again, “I’ll see you when I get back.” He paused, clearing his throat and adding sarcastically, “With whatever you’re doing.”

“So that’s it, then? You honestly don’t give a damn what I do?”

“Because I know what you’re going to do.”

“No, you don’t! I can’t go back! I don’t have anywhere else to go but with you!”

He took hold of her arm, speaking with finality, “You’re not coming with me.”

“What am I supposed to do?!”

“I told you.”

“And if I don’t do that?”

He shook his head, glancing away.

She stared at him. “Then you don’t care, do you? You really could give a shit.”

“Felicity, live your life like you’re supposed to.”

“Supposed to,” she whispered. “The first day I met you I said I was fucking miserable from always doing what I was supposed to! You were the one who told me not to!”

“That’s not what I mean. You’re supposed to go to school. You’d really be ‘fucking miserable’ if you didn’t do that.”

“But that means I don’t have you.”

“I’ll come back. Three or four months, however long the tour lasts.”

“And I should just wait around in the meantime doing what I’m supposed to, huh? Everything you said to me was a bunch of shit!”

“Be reasonable.” Seeing her ready to launch again, he added, “Look, you’re not thinking this through. I’ll still see you when I get back even if your parents don’t know about it. You don’t have to throw this away on me.”

Pulling a few crumpled papers from her purse, she held them out to him, answering softly, “No, you won’t.”

“What are these?” Billie frowned, taking them and smoothing them out.

“Acceptance letters. All east coast schools. You think my parents didn’t anticipate that I’d just try to see you anyway? They took it upon themselves to send in the forms to all the California schools I was accepted to saying I had decided not to go. They’ll move with me. I won’t be in the dorms or an apartment or anything. I won’t be out of their sight. I’ll do it all just like they want me to.”

Billie exhaled slowly and then looked down at the letters again. “Wow. You got into a couple of those Ivy Leagues.” He glanced back to her, “You...you don’t want to go to one of these? I mean, not putting me in the equation for just a second here.”

“Not like that. I can’t keep doing this, Billie. Even if it weren’t for you. I mean, partially it is because of you, but not just. Anyway, it’s too late now. I walked out. That’s it.”

“That’s not it,” he put the letters back in her hand. “If you go back now, your parents will––”

She stared at him, wide-eyed, “Didn’t you hear anything I just said?! I’m not going back and I wouldn’t even if I could!”

He sighed heavily, “I’m leaving tonight. You’re not going. You’re going to go home, you’re going to talk to your parents, you’re going to go to college. Even with them breathing down your neck, it’s better than not going at all. Trust me, go home.”

“But––”

“I’m not going to argue with you anymore. You’re not going to throw this all away just because you got into some screaming match with Daddy and his checkbook. Yeah, he and your mom can be kind of awful, but they’re what you need right now. Go to college.”

Felicity closed her eyes. He didn’t get it. Or maybe he did and really didn’t give a damn. Looking back at him, her dark eyes blazing, her voice dropped, “Fuck you.”

Billie tried to reach for her arm, “Felicity, come on, don’t––”

She only shrugged him off, stalking out the door and slamming it.

Billie shook his head, watching her go and thinking it useless to go after her while she was so furious. She was, like it or not, probably going to go back home. He’d give it a couple hours and then go over when things had had a chance to cool down. There was something he wanted to say to her before he left, would have said had they not just had that less than pleasant meeting. It would be all right.

• • •

However, good to her word, Felicity hadn’t gone home. She had taken a seat on the stoop, burying her head in her hands. There was nowhere to turn. Billie didn’t want her. He didn’t want her. Had she not been so upset, she would have realized that wasn’t quite what he was saying, but facing the idea of being homeless with no one to help, that he was failing to grasp the gravity of the situation, had her in a bit of a tumult.

He was going to leave. He knew she had nowhere to go and he was still going to leave her. That’s what it amounted to. Billie had never once said he loved her, and this was making it very clear to her that he didn’t. He didn’t love her, didn’t care. No one cared.

So what was the point of staying? She couldn’t take Berkeley anymore. There was nothing and no one to hold her there. There was only misery. This wasn’t just leaving her parents’ home––she had to leave it all.

Some minutes later, as Felicity was making to get up, Cat’s old clunker Toyota pulled up alongside the curb. “Hey!!” the girl cried, bounding over to her. “What are you doing out here?”

“I’m going to leave,” Felicity answered, her voice remarkably calm. So calm that Cat thought nothing of it.

“Oh, really? You coming back later before the guys go? Hey, why do you look so glum? I mean, yeah, it sucks that they’re going, but they’ll be back soon enough. As much as I love Tre, can you imagine pretty much living out of the bookmobile with him for three months straight? I think I’d shoot somebody––possibly him.” Cat went on chatting, asking questions she didn’t give room for Felicity to answer. Eventually, her gaze fell upon the item in Felicity’s hand. “What’s with the suitcase?”

“Would you give this to Billie?” she answered with a non sequitur, holding out a folded piece of paper towards her. “Not right now though. In a couple hours.”

“...Sure. Why?” Cat raised an eyebrow, taking it.

“I can’t explain it. Just promise me you’ll give it to him?”

“Of course,” Cat frowned, “but––”

“And, also, could you not read it? Please?”

Cat shrugged, “I wouldn’t. It’s none of my business. Why would you think I might?”

“I’m sorry. I just...” Felicity trailed off. “I have to go.”

“You going back home?”

Felicity only shrugged. Suddenly, biting on her lip, she stepped forward and hugged her, “Bye, Cat.”

Cat looked a little startled. “Um, okay, but geez, I’m going to see you in a little bit when the guys take off so you don’t have to give me a going-off-to-war goodbye. You are coming back later, right?”

Felicity pulled back, not answering. Before Cat could say anything more, she gave her a faint smile and turned to leave, sprinting over to the bus-stop just as the #51 was pulling up.

Cat shook her head as she watched the bus pull away. Something seemed off here. She looked down at the paper in her hand. She had promised she wouldn’t read it, but what if something was really wrong? No, it wasn’t right to read someone else’s note. As she had said, it wasn’t her business.

So why did the crawling sensation of having made a horrible mistake persist?

Cat sat down on the stoop Felicity had just occupied, her chin in her hand. What was the matter? Why was she having this feeling that she should have stopped Felicity or should break her promise and read the note?

Cat sighed, scoffing at herself. She was over-thinking this. She was being ridiculous, wasn’t she? She turned over the piece of paper. Whatever Felicity had written was on the back of a typed letter. She blinked, realizing what the letter was. It wasn’t the sort one would use for scrap. Something was definitely wrong with this picture. And Felicity hadn’t answered her question as to why she had a suitcase. Maybe there were times when it was appropriate to pay attention to that sick feeling of intuition.

Felicity’s mail was for the second time read by eyes not intended to see it. Cat’s hand flew to her mouth. What had she done by letting her go? Springing from her seat, Cat raced up the stairs to the guys’ apartment, bursting in.

“Cat! You came to give your lover-boy a proper send-off!” Tre cried happily, holding his arms out to her.

“Where’s Billie Joe?!”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No, seriously! Billie Joe, where the fuck are you?!” she screamed.

“Jesus, what’s your problem?” Billie entered from the hallway, staring at her. “Tre singing about oral sex again?”

“No! Felicity! She’s gone!”

“Uh, yeah, I know. I saw her go. And yes, I know she’s pissed off. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine.”

“No, you idiot! She left! Not the apartment! She left Berkeley!”

“Come on, she wasn’t really going to––”

“Billie, she’s gone. I mean, really gone. She didn’t go home.”

“Did she say where she was going?” Billie frowned.

“No, she wouldn’t. But she got on the #51 and...she had her suitcase! She left a note! I promised I wouldn’t read it, but I just got this really bad feeling when she didn’t...Billie, for God’s sakes, I’m serious!”

“She...left a note?” Billie’s voice cracked, his face paling. “I mean, you’re absolute sure she...really left?”

She handed him the small scrap of paper, the note hastily scratched onto it in Felicity’s nevertheless practiced handwriting. Billie stared at it blankly, hardly able to read it but for random phrases jumping out to taunt him: “I’m leaving...I’m not coming back...I’m sorry.” She had signed it “Felicity” in case there was any doubt as to the author. Billie knew her writing too well. He turned the paper over, a bold face type meeting him and reading, “Miss Felicity Bennet, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have been accepted to Princet––”

This couldn’t be real. He had never thought she had been serious.

“Well...do you...do you have any idea where she might...?” he trailed off.

Cat only shook her head. “I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t know if she was taking the bus all the way to the Amtrak station or going to the Greyhound in Oakland or she’s got the money for the airport or what, but...I’m sorry! If I had just...” she hesitated, feeling helpless and not knowing what else to say, “I’m sorry, Billie.”

“Fuck, I got to go find her,” Billie looked around wildly for his keys, feeling sick.

“Billie!” Cat stared at him. “You guys are leaving in less than two hours! Where are you even going to look? Even if by some chance you go the right way, you’re still going to miss her!”

“I have to try, don’t I?”

“Billie, man, Cat’s right,” Mike spoke up, “you’re not going to catch up with her.”

“I’m just supposed to let her go?!”

“She’ll come back,” Tre offered, the promise feeling hollow and uncertain.

“No, she won’t!” Billie cried. “She’s got nothing to come back to! Her parents threw her out and we’re leaving and...” he stopped, his face white. “Oh God, why didn’t I...” He didn’t finish his sentence, instead dashing out the door, Mike, Tre, and Cat hot on his heels.

• • •

Three hours later, Green Day had still not left Berkeley. The trio and Cat had returned to the apartment, the search for Felicity as futile as they had predicted. Mike and Tre had finally gotten Billie to call off his desperate attempts and now as they tried to tell him they had to leave, he seemed more content with retiring to his bedroom with an enormous bottle of rum, the closest alcohol on hand. Some time later, they could hear it smash against the wall, leaving them to assume he had thrown it.

“Billie, come on, man, open up,” Mike jiggled the door handle. “We have to go. Sitting around like this isn’t going to bring her back.”

Billie did not answer.

“Please, Bill, do this for me,” Mike tried again. “Don’t let us down like this. Please. I know this fucking sucks, but you can’t let us––” He stopped as the lock was undone and the door opened. Mike exhaled in relief, but then winced at the sight of his friend. “You don’t look so hot, man.” Beyond Billie was a room littered with broken glass and cigarette butts.

Billie only stared up at him flatly, his eyes bloodshot. It wasn’t so much that he was drunk––Mike had seen him beyond wasted on numerous occasions. Rather, he looked so absolutely miserable, so wretchedly unhappy. It was awful. Mike never wanted to see him or anyone look like that again.

“Billie!” Tre appeared, smiling uncertainly at him. “You came out of your room!”

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” Billie sighed, walking down the hall, his voice flat and lifeless. He looked and sounded dead. Intoxicated though he must have been, he wasn’t showing it. He was only showing cold, empty misery.

“Billie, I––” Cat tried as she watched him pick up his guitar case.

“Don’t.”

“You couldn’t have known that Felicity––” Cat stopped, cringing at the look on his face. She shouldn’t have said anything.

“Oh my God, she’s gone.” He exhaled slowly, sinking onto the couch like his knees had buckled. Putting his head in his hands, he grabbed fistfuls of his hair, pulling so hard it looked like he had half a mind to wrench it right out.

“This is my fault. I let her...it’s too late. I was too late,” he whispered. “She’s gone.”

“What do you mean? What are you too late for?”

“I...there was something...something I wanted to tell her, but I never...” his knuckles were white, “...nevermind now.”